First Day

I always loved the first day of school.  The smell of glue and markers and fresh crayons in the morning.  Finding out who was in my class, making new friends, doing new things.

It is no different for these two.

Best Friends

With 10 Kindergarten classes and 9 First Grade classes, this was about 1/3 of all the students in the Cafeteria for the K/1st morning assembly.  This school is HUGE!

 

They both went in without so much as a goodbye to their Mama and sister.  Libby asked, "Where is Melia? We need to go get her! She will be too sad and will miss us too much!"

Oh no baby girl, it is not she who will miss us, it is US who will miss her and your brother.

When we went to pick up the kids, Amelia was so tired, but had a fabulous day.  She didn't play with anyone at recess, still trying to figure out friends and where she fits - I know this because she is so much like me.  She loves her Teacher and even picked her flowers on the way home.

Seth, well, Seth had a Seth day at school.  This boy thrives on structure and routine.  Anyone who has ever had a first week of school knows that structure and routine are not what happen right away.  He is feeling pretty lousy right now, but he has a FABULOUS Teacher this year, she even called him tonight to chat with him after I shared some of my concerns with her in an email.

It is Teachers like this that will make this year so great for my kids.

How about you guys?  Have your kids started school?  What was the first day like for them?  I want to hear from everyone; public and homeschool Mamas, tell me your experiences!

Torn

It is amazing to me how so much of my heart can be stuck in one place

August 22, 2003...our last picture

And still be so present in another.

 

 

 Oh my heart. I love these people so much and they make tomorrow just a little bit easier.

He

I watch him, all legs and arms.  He is tan and blonde.  He speaks big words, is inherently bossy, and carries his brother around.  He is loud and active.  He is a bundle of emotions that sometimes are just too big for him to know what to do with.  He is sensitive and caring, sweet and loving, daring and brave.

With an imagination bigger than the sky, he builds worlds, battles Vikings, and brings peace and justice to all.

He is too young for social anxiety, yet old enough to understand the pecking order.  He senses my moods and does his best to adapt to them.  He knows what buttons to push, how to make me angry, how to make me sad, but mostly, how to make me laugh.

He lives, breathes and dreams Legos.  He loves his sisters and brother fiercely, they are, without a doubt, his best friends.

He no longer has that baby smell, but that of a big boy who needs to bathe everyday.  He is growing up before my eyes and I want to stop it.  But I don't.

I watch him comb his hair.  It is like mine, standing up no matter how hard he tries to get it to stay down.  While he is only 7, I envision him as a young man, getting ready for a date or a night out with his friends.

I wonder who he will be then?  What will he be like?  What will his dreams be then?  What will he love?  Who will he love?  My heart swells as I know I will get to find out the answers to these questions.

I sit and watch and wonder while nursing his baby brother and it feels like just yesterday it was him I was nursing.

Time flies on wings of lightning.  This is the truth.

Letters to my Babies

Dear Elliott,

Oh boy how I love you.  You are such a sweet baby 

(but really, aren't all babies sweet? Wait, no. Your brother wasn't).

I am so grateful to be your Mama.  Your smiles, your laid back personality,

your patience with your brother and sisters...

You are a wonderful baby.

 

But kiddo, you really need to start sleeping somewhere other than the swing.  Because as cute as you are all bundled up in that swing, it is killing me a bit that you will only sleep there.

I love you baby boy...

Mama

*****

Dear Libby,

Oh my darling girl.  You are growing up so fast and are SO hilarious these days.  Just today you helped me make cookies, and it was so much fun.

You love to swim and will "dive" (belly flop) into the water over and over and over.  

You love to sing and dance and do so quite frequently.

You are more in love with your binkie everyday, and I find this quite interesting since you never took one as a baby.  Also, what is up with you playing with your bellybutton when you're tired?

You are so cute that it almost makes up for the fact that you come into my bed every single night and then wail and scream and cry when Daddy takes you back to your bed.

Will you stop doing that please?

Also, please, please, please, please stop pooping in your underwear. You were doing SO good wearing undies, and now not so much.

Also, thanks for being such a great big sister to Elliott.  You pretty much rock his little world.

I love you baby girl...

Mama

*****

My darling dearest Amelia Bedilia,

I love your freckles.  

You hate when I tell you that and then tell me that you don't have any freckles, but you do and they are darling.  It is the one thing you got from me, so I really like that.

You are such a great singer and I love that you have enough confidence to think you 

could go on America's Got Talent and win!  Never lose that ambition sweetie.

You are starting Kindergarten in about a month and I can't imagine what my life is going to be like when you are gone all day long.  Libby and I will be so lonely for you.

But you are so excited. 

So I pretend to be excited too.

I love that you are so creative and talented and have a flair for the dramatics.

This will serve you well in life.

Trust me.

I know.

BUT, right now, you make me a little crazy with your crying over every single little thing.

Makes me not look forward to your teenage years at all.

Regardless, you are my sweet princess and I love you.

Mama.

*****

Bubs,

I am going to call you that for the rest of your life, you know that don't you?

You are such an amazing big brother to your siblings.

I know it is hard being the biggest kid, but you do it so well and really like responsibility.

You are such a huge helper, with laundry, cleaning, playing with the kids, and dinner clean up.

I love how you love your Lego's, putting posters up in your room, and swimming.

You are so competitive and someday that is really going to come in handy.

But right now, when you are in swim lessons and you beat another kid in a race,

it is not so nice to say "I WON I WON I WON!!!!"

No one likes that kid.

You are starting 2nd grade so soon.

Kid, I remember 2nd grade.  I met my 1st real best friend in 2nd grade.  We're still friends.

I can't believe you are that old.

I bet some boy crazy girl is going to fall head over heels for you.

When she does, please be nice and not growl at her.

I love you to the moon and back,

Mama

And He Is 7

At 4:59 this morning he turned 7.

My sweet snuggle buggy is 7.

The boy whose birth started the healing of my heart...

He will start 2nd grade this year.  I remember 2nd grade.  I met my oldest friend in 2nd grade.

He is so independent, but still loves to crawl on my lap and snuggle.

He could spend the whole day playing Lego's with his sisters and be happy.

He holds his brother whenever I ask and has made this transition from 3 to 4 so much easier.

He is so sensitive and caring. He will do anything for anyone...unless you ask him to do it while he is playing Legos!

He is my Bubs.

And he is 7.

Happy Birthday Bubs.  I love you to the Moon and back.

I Will Not Say Bad Words

On Monday Seth came home and very proudly told me,

"Mom! I know what the bad word is that you and Dad don't want me to know".

"Oh really? What is it?"

"A-S-S"

"Oh buddy, that is a bad word, but not the one Daddy and I were talking about"

"A-S-E?"

"That isn't a word.  How did you learn that word anyway?"

"Me and some other boys were saying all the bad words we knew at lunch today".

Cue inward groan...why am I sending him to public school again? Oh yeah, because I am about ready to POP with his baby brother.  Ok, Kim, stay calm, talk to him or he won't ever tell you anything again.

"So, what words did you tell?"

"The sh one, the one that starts with sh and ends with it, and the d word"

"Yeah, I know what the sh word is, you don't have to tell me all of it. What words did you learn?"

"Well, that one I already told you and dick."

"Ew. Do you know what that is? It is a mean word for a penis"

"Yeah, my friend told me that it meant penis at recess".

"Bub, you really shouldn't be talking like this, you know that right?"

"yeah"

"I am going to have to punish you for this.  It is not okay to say bad words and I don't ever want you to do it again".

"I am ALWAYS the one that gets punished.  If I am being punished then the girls need to be punished too.  It is not fair!"

Then the weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth began, followed by stomping off to his room telling me I am the meanest Mom ever and that he is never coming out again.

So, I called Jeremy.  What do I do?  What kind of punishment is good for this?  I can't wash his mouth out with soap because it will just make ME puke.

Have him write sentences, Jeremy suggested.  YES!  Bart Simpson will write sentences!

He had to write "I will not say bad words" 20 times.  My favorite part is that he turned it into a song at the beginning.

This kid...he is giving me a run for my money.

**Disclaimer** I know that he did not learn bad words in school.  This has nothing to do with him going to public school.  That was just my first thought, that is all.  I know where he learned the words...from me ;)

Summertime

It is hot here.

Like going to be 93 this weekend hot.  That is July weather in Logan and it is only April here.  We are in for it.

Everyday on the way home from school, Seth begs me to let him take off his shirt.

I am the mean Mom who tells him no, you have to stay dressed until we get home.

Tired of listening to his whining, we did something about the heat and this boy.

He is not as unhappy about this as he would have us think

We told him he could have a buzz.  He said he wanted his hair to look just like Daddy's.  I think we accomplished that, don't you?

My handsome boy

Daddy trying to make himself a "rug" of Seth's discarded hair.

Like Father, Like Son

Plus, now he will stop complaining about being so hot, and I can call him Pedro.

This and That

**Remember to go enter to win $25 from Fluffy Cheeks Diapers!!!**

You all are so good to me. I am so grateful for all the comments, emails and love I have gotten over the last couple of weeks.  To say this transition from home to public school has been difficult would be putting it mildly.

Just this morning, I had to negotiate extra Wii time if he would go to school without fighting me about it.  Turns out his teacher isn't the nicest.  At least he only has to deal with her for 2 months instead of 9!

I am tired of talking about this particular struggle...so I am done.  For now. Promise.

In other news...I am growing a baby, did I tell you that?  Well, I am.

Pay no attention to my dirty mirror.

He is really high and in my ribs most of the time....and hitting his head on my pubic bone.  It is fun.

If this kiddo follows the pattern of the other 4, he will be here within the next 4 weeks.

FOUR WEEKS PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!!!!

Four weeks...but with my luck it will be 6 or 7. Just seems to be the way things have been going lately.

Again...pay no attention to the dirty mirror. I can't clean it in my current condition

I can't wait to start exercising again. Taking cycling classes and weight lifting classes again.  I miss working my body in that way.  I just can't do much more than walk right now, and I am tired of it.

But most of all, I can't wait to smell a new baby, feel his soft skin, listen to his sweet baby noises, and kiss his sweet cheeks.

Even if I have to wait 6 weeks, it will be worth it.  He will be worth it, and I can't wait!

This is Killing Me

Seth loved Kindergarten.  He loved his teacher, his friends, the things he was learning.  He did fabulous and had fun.

First grade came and he was thrilled, so were we.  He got into the new charter school right around the corner from our house.  He could walk everyday and excelled beyond all of our expectations.

Then the curve ball came for our whole family.  Our future was uncertain, we had no idea where we would end up.

When Jeremy got the job offer in Austin, Seth begged me not to make him move.  He begged me not to take him out of his school.  He begged us not to make him leave his very best friend, Holden.  He cried, he bargained, he threatened and finally, he accepted.

After much prayer, we decided to homeschool him to help with the transition.

What I didn't realize was that it was only going to be the right answer for a while.  It got beyond difficult.  I couldn't keep up anymore.  I struggled, I prayed, I bargained, I cried, and finally, I accepted.  He was to go to Public School.

To say this transition has been difficult would be an understatement.

He begs me every morning to please not make him go.

After school he tells me he had a good day.  But after dinner, it is a different story.

Last night he came to me in tears telling me that he just doesn't think this school is the right place for him.  He doesn't have any friends in his class (yet), he doesn't understand the Math and when he asked his teacher about it, he said she just "blew up" at him.

Now, I know he is very vulnerable and sensitive right now.  She could have been frustrated about anything, or just a little irritated and spoken to him with not the nicest voice in the world and he would think it was blowing up.

BUT, she could have also been really frustrated with him and really blew up at him.  I don't know.

I emailed her and we are meeting next week, that will be good.

But for now, I am hurting for my baby boy.  It is so hard to tell him that sometimes we have to do hard things and that is just part of life.

While I tell him he has to stick it out for 2 months, I am also telling myself the same thing.  Two months and then he is mine again, and I can have him home to play and help me all day long.

What do you do when your kids are really struggling with something like this?  Something that you know is the right decision, but is so hard.  How do you do it?  I need help please.

Little Lies

I lost my camera.
again.

I swear my pregnant brain gets worse with each baby.

The first time I lost it I offered a $5 reward to whoever found it.

Jeremy found it.  In the trash can next to the computer desk.

Seth was not happy that Jeremy found it.

I told him I would give him some opportunities to do extra work around the house (i.e. helping me get this place cleaned up for giving birth), and he could earn $5.  He was happy with that.

This was on Saturday.

On Monday, I couldn't find my camera, again.

For 2 days I searched and searched and searched my house for my camera.  It was nowhere to be found.

In an act of sheer desperation, I told Seth that I would offer another $5 reward to whoever could find my camera.  I told him the last place I remember seeing it was in the sewing room.

Five minutes later, he brought me my camera.

I was thrilled!  Where did you find it????

In the little bird door, he said.

Really?  I would never have thought to look there.  Here is why...

I was suspicious.  Can you see why?

I decided to let it go though, and gave him the option to get a new Lego set that I had bought (worth $5) or the $5.  He chose the Legos.

When Jeremy came home, I told him about Seth's mad detective skills.  Daddy isn't nearly as lenient as Mama, so he started questioning Seth a bit.

Seth finally looked at me and said, "Mom, I'm sorry.  I lied.  I put the camera there because I knew you would offer $5 again to find it".

Stinker.

Moral of the story?  Never offer money to a child who wants to buy Legos more than anything.  Also, make him do the work you were going to pay him for, but this time he has to do it for free.

Also? Keep your camera in the bag so you don't lose it again.

Time to Stop Running.

Amelia and Libby were asleep and I was having some alone time with Seth.  We talked about him starting school next week and what he was most excited about, and most nervous about.  He is most excited about lunch and recess.  Those are his favorites.  He is most nervous about being the new kid and having everyone stare at him.  Me too.

I hated being the new kid.  We moved the summer before my 6th grade year, and when I was in 10th grade.  It was not easy either time.  And, both times I was scared out of my mind that first day of school.  I remember that uncomfortable feeling as people are trying to figure you out, where you fit, and if they want to be your friend.

I hated lunch both times. Who do I sit with? I don't know anyone and don't have friends yet. It was so awkward and uncomfortable.

I want to shield him and protect him from that.  And I have for 2 months.  I can't anymore and it is killing me.

During our conversation he let me know that I am "on the computer way too much".  So, I am making a conscious effort to scale way back.  I will check my email and blogs during breakfast and lunch and again after the kids are in bed.  But that is it, starting today.  I am their Mom first and foremost, I need to remember that.

******

I am really having a hard time being the new kid here.  I completely broke down to Jeremy because I don't know what I will do with these kids when I have the baby.

If this labor and delivery are like my others, it will happen in the middle of the night.  That really is great except...Libby doesn't sleep all night.  In fact, some nights, she wakes up crying and screaming several times.  What will we do then?  I need Jeremy when I am in labor, I am selfish and can't have him running off to help her every 30 minutes.

Also, even if everyone sleeps all night, we won't and we will be exhausted the next day.  But, the kids will still need to eat and play and want to do things that involve parents who are awake.

It is really hard not having my support system here this time.

I know that we will do what we have to do....but I am scared.

I really wonder what the Lord was thinking when Jeremy lost his job 2 days after I found out I was pregnant.  We felt so certain that now was the time to have another baby.  I wasn't ready physically, but I am not one to ignore the promptings of the Holy Ghost when they are that strong.  And because I know that God has sent this baby to us at this time, in this place, I am sure everything will be ok.

But...I am also human, and very pregnant and feeling very alone.  So I doubt and I wonder and I cry. A lot.

******

These are the things that weigh heavily on my mind and drive me to eat Oreo's at 11:15 pm.  These are the things that keep me awake at night and keep me from relaxing and thinking good positive thoughts about the impending birth of this child.

These are the thoughts that swirl around and around and around in my head.

These are the reasons I use the internet as my form of escapism...all too often.

It is time I stop hiding, stop escaping and stop running.  It is time I start figuring out how to deal with these feelings.  Because Seth is starting school next week whether I am ready for him to or not.  And, this baby is coming in about 6 weeks whether I have worked through my feelings of anxiety or not.

So, here I go, into the depths of my soul to try to gain some peace.  Your prayers, thoughts, and light are much appreciated right now.  I really need it.

It's Not For Everyone

When someone says that I am Super Mom (stop laughing, it happens!) because I homebirth, cloth diaper, breastfeed for a looooong time, etc.  I tell them that the choices I make are the right choices for my family and they may not be right for every family.

If  a Mama tells me that she is resenting breastfeeding her 1 year old, I remind her that when it isn't good for both Mom and Baby, it's time to stop and that it is ok.

If a woman tells me that there is no way she could have a homebirth, I remind her that it is fine, no one is asking her to. 

I am all about empowering with education.  I want women, families, to make informed choices.  To know their options, know their limitations, and follow their heart-gut to make the best choice for their family.

So why is it so hard for me to take my own advice?

Why, when I know in my heart that homeschooling isn't working, is it so hard for me to give up?

Why do I feel like such a failure, when I feel that I need to follow my own advice?

Why is it so hard for me to say that homeschooling isn't right for my family right now?

I don't know why, but it is. 

Seth is going to be starting public school in 3 weeks.  We will finish up this week of school, next week we are going to Kansas City for our Spring Break and the next week is the public school's spring break.  After that, he will be going to 1st grade with the rest of the neighborhood and be in 1 of 7 classes.

I have loved having him home.  I have loved teaching him and watching him learn.  But right now, at this season in my life, I can't do it all day everyday.  I have to get ready for this baby and I can't do it when I have 3 very active hooligans at my feet non-stop.

He needs friends.  He needs to get out of the house (even though he will be the first to tell you that he isn't ready to go to public school yet).

It's not for everyone...but I thought it was for me...and that makes me very sad.

Brothers and Sisters

Dear Miles and Asher,

My Mom told me you're having a baby sister.  I thought, since I have 2 little sisters, I would give you some advice.

When your baby sister is born, she will be very tiny.  You have to watch out for her, so you don't step on her.  She will poop and cry and sleep a lot.  Her first poops will be gross and sticky and you will NOT want to look at them.  They might make you throw up.

As she gets older, she will become funny when she is 2.  She might drag you around the house to where she wants you.  And, my littlest sister always wants to play legos.  And one of my Lego guys she says is HER lego guy.  I don't like that because she also says my Woody and Buzz are also hers.

Until she gets funny, you'll just have to look at how cute she is.

Once she's 4...well, *gulp*, she will be still funny, but still not that funny.  Sometimes 4 year old sisters yell at you like umpteenth times.  My 4 year old sister, Amelia, loves Noah's Ark.  She also loves to watch Veggie Tales with me.  Lord of the Beans and Larry Boy are our favorites.

Some really awesome things about having sisters is that they are crazy.  Amelia is so crazy that she makes her Lego Ninja guy, Kai, love soap.  And, he made a big mess of soap in the lego house once.

Little sisters are really awesome too because they will play legos and star wars with you (only if they like them).

BEWARE!!!  Sisters really like pink and sparkles and Princesses and Ponies.  But, you can play with your transformers and their ponies and barbies at the same time.

Sisters are hilarious.

I know you'll love having a baby sister, even though playing the girlie stuff isn't very fun.

Good luck and if there is too much girlie stuff going on in your house, tell your Mom to help you write me a letter.  I know how to handle girls.

Your Friend,

Seth

And...Amelia's response

Dear Miles and Asher,

Since my big brother wrote about little sisters, I thought I would tell you how to be a good big brother.

Brothers can't yell at their sisters, it makes them cry.

Sometimes your sisters will love Noah's Ark, like me.

Big brothers should be funny and he should tell funny jokes.

Big brothers should always protect their little sisters from mean people.

Big brothers teach you math and how to read.

And they let you have sleep overs in their room.

Sisters like hearts and sparkles and rainbows, get used to it.

Big brothers should always be nice to their little sisters.

Your Friend,

Amelia