It's Not For Everyone

When someone says that I am Super Mom (stop laughing, it happens!) because I homebirth, cloth diaper, breastfeed for a looooong time, etc.  I tell them that the choices I make are the right choices for my family and they may not be right for every family.

If  a Mama tells me that she is resenting breastfeeding her 1 year old, I remind her that when it isn't good for both Mom and Baby, it's time to stop and that it is ok.

If a woman tells me that there is no way she could have a homebirth, I remind her that it is fine, no one is asking her to. 

I am all about empowering with education.  I want women, families, to make informed choices.  To know their options, know their limitations, and follow their heart-gut to make the best choice for their family.

So why is it so hard for me to take my own advice?

Why, when I know in my heart that homeschooling isn't working, is it so hard for me to give up?

Why do I feel like such a failure, when I feel that I need to follow my own advice?

Why is it so hard for me to say that homeschooling isn't right for my family right now?

I don't know why, but it is. 

Seth is going to be starting public school in 3 weeks.  We will finish up this week of school, next week we are going to Kansas City for our Spring Break and the next week is the public school's spring break.  After that, he will be going to 1st grade with the rest of the neighborhood and be in 1 of 7 classes.

I have loved having him home.  I have loved teaching him and watching him learn.  But right now, at this season in my life, I can't do it all day everyday.  I have to get ready for this baby and I can't do it when I have 3 very active hooligans at my feet non-stop.

He needs friends.  He needs to get out of the house (even though he will be the first to tell you that he isn't ready to go to public school yet).

It's not for everyone...but I thought it was for me...and that makes me very sad.

Homeschool...it's not so bad. (at least this week)

Here are some things I love about Homeschool:

Doing his reading work in the fort

Teaching Amelia to read "ot" words

I love the freedom it provides.  I love that we get our work done, but on our own schedule.  I love that Seth is teaching Amelia the things he is learning.  I love that he is LEARNING and having so much fun doing it.

I love that this week, it is working.  I know next week it might not, but this week, I am loving it.

:::

Thank you so much for all of your comments and emails about my lonely post.  It always amazes me how many of us feel the same way.  How often we feel so isolated, yet if we just look around and vocalize our feelings, we find others who are in the same boat.

Thank you all for loving me and reminding me that I am SO not alone.


*Remember to go enter to win a pampering package from Kleenex!!

Redemption

On Monday I completely lost it.  I melted down.  I was a weeping, sobbing, yelling, cursing mess.  It was because I lost my keys.

Ok, not entirely because I lost my keys.

This tends to happen to me every so often.  I get so stressed out and just bottle everything up.  I pretend like everything is fine and then I just explode because there is no place to bottle it up anymore.

Seth has been fighting with me when it's time for school.  My Mom was visiting and, while I know she's not judging me, I felt like I was on display for the terrible homeschool Mom that I feel like I am.

I was stressed about helping him learn about ancient Egypt and subtraction and language and trying to keep the girls occupied and out of the way so he doesn't get distracted, and trying to be everything to everyone.

Finally, we were done with school.  I was exhausted and ready for a break.  We were going to go to the store.  Not a huge outing, but an outing none the less.

I couldn't find my keys.

They were no where to be found.

My frustration over the lost keys was compounded by the fact that we are still living out of boxes and there were boxes everywhere and kids toys scattered and books, and I couldn't walk two feet without my jeans I was wearing giving me a wedgie and tripping over a lego or sword or barbie.

I lost it.

I took away every single toy I could find.

All 3 kids were screaming and crying.

I huffed and puffed up the stairs and dropped it all in my closet to the chorus of, "No Mommy!!  NO!!!"

Then I changed into my yoga pants.

I sat down and started to sob.

I am tired.  I am pregnant (did you know that??) and I am overwhelmed with life.

It was one of the worst parenting moments of my life.  I did not hit anyone (I don't do that), but I was not nice.  I yelled, I screamed, I cried.

Then, I hugged each of them and told them they could earn back their toys if they cleaned their rooms.  We all started to calm down.

They went outside to play.  I sat down to calm myself.

My keys were found.

We went to the store and my Mom bought the kids new books.

I got some new items for homeschool and we all decided that we would try harder tomorrow.

And, lucky for me, I got a tomorrow to try again.

Homeschool, First Two Days

Two days.

Is that all it's been? 

Really?? 

Are you sure it's only Tuesday?

No, surely it is Friday because I am really ready for the week to be done.

Going into homeschooling I thought it was going to be sunshine and roses.  Ok, not really, but  I didn't think it would be this physically taxing.

Maybe it's the growing a human in my uterus part that is taxing also, but MAN ALIVE I am pooped!

I am trying to keep things really structured because I know that is what Seth needs.  Also, that way we are not doing "school" all day.

I am trying to keep Seth on track with his learning because, unlike many other homeschoolers, I was not unhappy with public school.  The only reason I am homeschooling right now is because we will (hopefully) be moving to a new house this summer, and I didn't want for Seth to have to bounce from school to school.   I don't know if he'll go to 2nd grade in a public school, or if we'll do it at home.

I just don't know that I have it in me to be an all the time homeschooler.  I am good at a lot of things, but I also need to know my limits.  While I can teach my children, and do it well, is it what is best for all of us?  I don't know.

I keep telling people we will take homeschooling 1 semester at a time.  Right now my goal is to get through everything before the baby is born.  Right now, I want for Seth to improve his math skills, reading, writing and comprehension.  So that is what I am focusing on with him.

Two days. 

People keep telling me it will get easier.

We will get in our groove.

I sure hope so, because I am exhausted.