My Path to Homebirth :: Part 3

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This could also be titled, Why I Love Homebirth in Photos.

 

 

 

Now, I know that many of you have questions.  So, I want to open up the comments to your homebirth questions.  I know that when my sister had her first homebirth I had TONS of questions.  So, lay it on me.  I'll take questions for 2 days and then will do a big question and answer post on Wednesday.

My Path to Homebirth :: Part 2

I am branded.  Branded for birth.  This is something that I come to realize more and more everyday.  I am learning so much about what I want for the next time I have a baby. I am also learning how easily I could be back on that operating table if I don't have the right circumstances.  I never want that again. I need to change this, I need to do this differently.

*****

These were the thoughts I had after Emma was born.  I dove head first into all the information about birth that I could find.  She and I grew together.  She grew physically and I grew emotionally and mentally.  I was active in the ICAN (International Cesarean Network) Yahoo Group and was learning more and more about how I could avoid a repeat c-section.  As I listened to the stories of these amazing women, I came to realize how many of these c-sections were completely avoidable.  How many of these births happened the way they did because the Mom's either didn't have the knowledge on how to avoid the c-section, or didn't have anyone there to advocate for them.

I read everything I could get my hands on; Ina May's Guide to Childbirth by Ina May Gaskin, The VBAC Companion by Diana Korte, The Thinking Woman's Guide to a Better Birth by Henci Goer,& Spiritual Midwifery by Ina May Gaskin just to name a few. 

All of this reading and talking and thinking really got me, well, thinking.  Maybe I could not only change my next birth, but maybe I could help other women to change their births.

I decided I wanted to become a doula and a childbirth educator.  I wanted to help other women.  I wanted to empower and educate women about their bodies and how amazing they are.  I wanted to help women make the decisions that were going to best for their families.

An idea was forming, a new life, a calling, a passion.  Then it happened.  The day that my world stopped, the day Emma died.

****
I am often asked if we were trying to get pregnant with Seth after Emma died.  No, we weren't.  We had decided that we wanted to try to get pregnant that Winter.  I hadn't had a period yet, so I didn't even know if I was fertile.  When she died though, we knew we wanted more children, we knew we couldn't have empty arms and a silent house for long.  We weren't trying, but we weren't preventing.  We were just surviving.

My milk dried up and a couple of weeks later, I became pregnant.

****
We moved to Utah to be closer to Emma and for Jeremy to go to Graduate School.  Because I'd had a C-Section I was finding it was very difficult to find anyone to assist me in delivering this baby.  The Birth Center, which was my first choice, couldn't take me because I was a VBAC (Vaginal Birth After Cesarean).  I thought about hospitals, but I just couldn't take the risk that I would end up with another c-section.

Jeremy researched and I talked to the baby.  We decided on homebirth.  We decided that it would be the best option for us and our baby.

I interviewed Midwives and found one that was perfect for us.  She understood my fears.  She too had lost children.  Yes, you read that right, children, many of them.  She understood the pain I was in and held my  hand every step of the way.

At this time, homebirth was illegal in the state of Utah.  Any Midwives attending a homebirth were breaking the law.  In March, my Midwife called to tell me that she couldn't attend me anymore.  She couldn't, with a clear conscience, break the law anymore.  I understood.  I was disappointed, but I understood.  Her partner was another fantastic Midwife and the switch went seamlessly. 

****
In April, we started taking Hypnobirthing classes. I had a lot of junk in my mind.  A lot of issues that I needed to deal with if I was going to have a successful homebirth.  I was terrified of having another breech baby and did a lot of visualizations of this baby head down.  I talked to the baby multiple times a day.  We talked about birth and how we would have to work together.  I told him that I didn't know what I was going to do, I didn't know what to expect, but I promised that I would make it as easy for him as possible.  I promised this everyday.  I was scared that I would have this baby, love this baby, and again lose this baby.  I had so much fear, but learned to deal with it and not let it overtake me.

****
June 8, 2004.  I was 38 weeks 2 days pregnant, more pregnant than I had been with Emma.  I swam all day long.  I lifted up my swimsuit top to let the sun shine on my belly as I was floating in the pool at our Apartment Complex.  I was huge.  At this point I was measuring about 45 cm. from my pubic bone to the top of my uterus.  This was huge.

I talked to the baby more.  I knew that the time was coming soon.  That afternoon I started to have bloody show and some contractions.  My sister and sister-in-law both knew I was in labor, but I didn't want to believe it.  Jeremy and I did a Hypnobirthing script that night and as I kissed him goodnight, I told him to get some sleep because he was going to work the next day.

Midnight. My water breaks in bed.  We called the Midwife and she and her apprentice came within an hour.  My sister-in-law, who was also my doula, was there within 45 minutes. 

I labored peacefully in the beginning.  I continued to talk to my baby.  I vocalized, I pictured my baby coming down with each surge, I worked with my body.

At one point, when I was in the birth tub, I was trying so desperately to get comfortable and just couldn't.  I really was struggling.  I said that I wanted to go to the hospital and get a c-section.  This hurt too much and I was tired and I didn't want to do it anymore.  My Midwives apprentice, a woman who has since become a very good friend and was my Midwife when I had Amelia, looked me in the eye and said, "Kim, you are trying to go over this or around this.  You have to go through it.  You can do this."  When she said that, I knew she was right.  I also knew that if I was ready to give up, that meant I was in transition and I was almost done. How little I knew, but it kept me going.

****
Seth's personality is very much one of wanting to do things his own way and in his own time.  This doesn't surprise me at all because that is how he was at birth. 

I had heard about this "overwhelming urge to push" but never understood it.  Then, I understood it. I pushed and he fought.  He fought me every push and I paid for it.  But, 55 minutes after that first urge to push, my baby was here.  My arms were filled.  I'd done it.  I had my VBAC.  I had my homebirth.  I was strong, I was empowered, I was a Mother, again.

To be continued...

My Path to Homebirth :: Part 1

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Some people describe me as a "hippie" Mom.  I cloth diaper, I let my kids self-wean from breastfeeding, I co-sleep, I wear my babies, I do delayed vaccinations, I homebirth.

I am often asked why I would choose to have my baby at home.  What reason could I have for being so crazy?  I totally understand those questions.

When I was in college, my sister had a homebirth.  I could not believe she would be so irresponsible.  I couldn't believe that she would put her baby's life at risk just because she didn't like the hospital.  I couldn't believe she would want to do it without drugs.  I was often heard saying, "God gave man the smarts to invent drugs, stick that needle in my back thank you very much".  In fact, just 7 months before my sister had her homebirth, I had witnessed the birth of my best friend's baby.  She had her baby in the hospital and had an epidural.  It was great, no complications, everything went swimmingly.  Why wouldn't I want that?

Jeremy and I had been married 6 months when I found I was pregnant with Emma.  I was 26 and was a bit wiser at this point.  I was learning I had options.  My sister had had 2 homebirths, my sister-in-law had a baby at the Birth Center and those births were great.

I was starting to believe that I wasn't a wuss and that my body could do this.  I started reading about the Bradley Method of childbirth.  Jeremy and I read and researched and decided on having our baby with a Certified Nurse Midwife in the Hospital.  This way I could have my natural birth with a midwife, but still have the comforts of the hospital.

During my pregnancy we took Bradley Method classes.  I completely ignored the part where we learned about C-Sections because there was no way I was going to have one.  I wasn't going to cave and get an epidural, so the snowball effect of epidural=relaxing of uterus=contractions slowing down=increased interventions=possibility baby goes into distress=C-Section.  That wasn't going to happen to me.

When I was 34 weeks pregnant I went to see my midwife.  I was measuring about 3 1/2 weeks ahead, so she sent me back for an ultrasound.  We found out that Emma was footling breech.  I cried.  She assured me that there was plenty of time for her to turn, but in my heart I didn't believe her.  I went home and began researching how to turn a breech baby.  I swam everyday and did handstands in the water, I put ice on her head and heat down low (along with lights and music...trying to make it really inviting for her head down there!), I lay inverted on an ironing board and then on my reclining chair.  I saw a Chiropractor and had the Webster Technique done 3 times a week.  I burned Moxibustion by my little toe (on Thanksgiving in my in-laws garage.  Good times).  I did everything I could think of.  I wasn't a candidate for an external version because my blood pressure shot up and I was swelling up like a balloon.

At my 37 week appointment I had a Non Stress Test done.  When it was done, the midwife came in and asked if I had scheduled my C-Section yet.  I was floored.  I told her that no I hadn't and didn't plan on scheduling it.  I wanted her to turn and was still trying to get her to turn.  She told me that a c-section wasn't that bad and that I would be okay.  I informed her that a few years prior I had my gallbladder out, major abdominal surgery, and this would be similar.  There was no way I wanted to go through that recovery again with a newborn to take care of.

I left the office in tears.  I called my sister-in-law, who gave me the confidence I needed to fire my midwife.  I called the practice and requested a different midwife for my next appointment and to make her my primary midwife.

It didn't matter.  Sunday night my water broke.  It was 8pm and I was sitting down to watch Alias.  I heard a POP and felt a gush and knew that my baby was coming.

We called the midwife on call (someone I didn't know) and were told to go to the hospital to get ready for my c-section.  An hour later we arrived at the hospital and had a really horrific experience.  I was admitted to a room and told to put on this gown.  I did and then I had to pee.  So, I went to the bathroom.  A nurse came in and yelled at me because I was getting amniotic fluid all over the floor.  She made me walk on towels back to the bed.

I was hooked up to monitors and was being asked a million and one questions.  When I would ask for a minute because I was having a contraction they would look at the monitor and tell me that I wasn't.  Yeah, it was great.

Soon enough Jeremy and I were taken to the Operating Room.  A cold, sterile room.  I couldn't believe my baby would be born here.  This was not at all what I had wanted or anticipated.  As she was being born, I got sick and was throwing up.  I remember hearing her cry and they lifted her up over the drape to show her to me.  I went to touch her and immediately they whisked her away.  I had to hear all about her from the anesthesiologist.  It broke my heart.

My first real looks of Emma were from a bed where I was watching her be bathed by a Nurse that I didn't like.  Everyone else got to hold her, touch her, smell her before I did.  She didn't get to be with me until she was about an hour old.  Nothing about this felt right.

I couldn't sit up for 12 hours after she was born.  Because I was flat on my back, it was difficult to nurse and I couldn't get a good look at her.  When I could sit up, the nurses would come in and ask me constantly if she'd pooped, peed, eaten, wanting to check my vitals, her vitals, etc. etc. etc.

After 3 days I was so happy to be released from the prison of the hospital. When we got home, I started digesting her birth.  So many things I wished I could have changed.  So many things I felt so cheated on.  Emma's birth was a catalyst for change in my life.  I knew that I would never give birth like that again.  I knew I would never let someone else tell me what I could and couldn't do with my body and my baby.  It was the beginning of my journey.

To be continued...

Best Laid Plans...

I had such grand plans for this week.  Yoga on Monday, Spinning on Wednesday, Zumba on Thursday, weight training everyday.  Big plans.  With the return of the light to my soul, I am ready to get my body fit and smokin'.

6:00 pm came and I was headed out the door.  Going to the gym to work out on the elliptical for 30 minutes and then to yoga.

I hopped down the porch stairs, happy to be free of the 3 children I love so much.  So excited for this small break to work on me.

Then it happened.  My right foot went down and immediately started slipping.  My first thought was, I am NOT going to fall.  Then BOOM! I fell.  I fell with my left knee at an angle to the side and I fell right on that knee.

I was in my front yard, so I yelled for Jeremy.  Luckily he was in the kitchen and could hear me.  He came out, in his socks, holding a baby, and realized that I was hurt.  Quickly he came down the steps and helped me inside.

I was then confined to the couch for the night.  Pillows propping up my knee, ice making me even colder than I already was, and children wanting to be sure Mama was alright.

For those who don't know, my husband works for a company that develops medical devices.  He is an engineer there, so he knows a bit about orthopaedics.  He drew on his skills and helped to figure out what he thought was wrong, sprained MCL -- his unofficial diagnosis.

Tuesday morning we decided I should go to the doctor.  So off we went to see a knee specialist in town.  The official diagnosis, Sprained MCL with a bone bruise.  What does that mean?  I sprained my knee and am now the proud owner of this new accessory.

Pretty hot right?  Yeah, I get to wear this bad boy for the next 4 weeks.  Plus I get to go to Physical Therapy and let them move my knee a lot and make me cry.  Yay Me!

On the upside, it has given me lots of time to do this

And this

Looking for the bright side.  Hopefully I will have a pair of socks done by the time my knee is healed!!

Return of the Light

 

View from my front window at 5:45 pm

Slowly, oh so slowly I feel the light coming back.  The days are staying light longer and so is my soul.  The heavy darkness that seemed to be swallowing everything in it's path is starting to receed.

February brings hope with it.  This is the month of my birth and the birth of my Love.  There is much celebrating to be done in February.

This month also marks one more month until Spring.

The days are growing lighter, brighter and just the tiniest bit warmer. 

Yes, the light is coming back.  Back into my life and warming my soul.

Escalating

It's funny how quickly it can escalate from this...

to this...

I love how much these two love playing together.  It's times like this where I think this Parenting gig ROCKS.

Times are Tough

Mom: Seth? Why is your name written on Amelia's apron?
Seth: Oh it's because I used to have a restaurant named "Seth" and that was her worker apron
Dad: Used to have a restaurant?
Seth: Yeah, it ran out of money and people didn't come there anymore so I quit.

Yep, times are so tough that my 5 year old's play restaurant went out of business.

Positive/Negative/HUH??

I have taken a lot of pregnancy tests...a lot.  There is something about peeing on a stick and watching it do something that is just so fun!  Every time I have peed on said stick, I have wanted the same thing, to be pregnant. 

Only a few times have I gotten a response I didn't want.  But it never took long and I got the two lines, or the plus sign, or whatever the almight test deemed a positive answer.

This week, however, I got an answer I didn't really want.  Not yet at least.  I am tired, I have mentioned this before.  And, while I know I am not done having babies, I also know that I just can't handle another right now (or in 9 months).

So, when I took the Equate (Walmart brand) pregnancy test yesterday and it came back positive (faint line, but still positive) I cried.  I cried because I just didn't think I could handle this.  I told my husband, 3 good friends and my Mom.  My folks were ready to move out here to help me, one friend came over with cupcakes and Dr. Pepper.  I started to feel ok about it.

This morning I went to the doctor.  I had an appointment for my yearly exam and to get an IUD.  The irony was not lost on me at all.  I told her that I had taken 2 tests yesterday and they both came back positive, so they did another test.  This one was negative. HUH?  She then had blood drawn to check my hCG levels.  The lab was super fast and the results came back within 2 hours.  Negative.  My hCG levels were at like a 2 and to have a positive pregnancy test they have to be at 100.  HUH???

I have always thought that you could get a false negative, but not a false positive.  I have taken another test, this time a fancy schmancy digital one that says, "NOT PREGNANT".  Ok, starting to believe it...but what if???  To say this has been an emotional roller coaster is an understatement. 

So, it looks like I'm not and really I am happy.  I want to get in shape, I want to be healthier, I want to get some sleep before having another baby.  I want need to be in a better place, emotionally/mentally/physically/spiritually, before I get pregnant again.  So really, this is a good thing, really.

But there is a part of me, a small part, that is a little disappointed.  Because really, who doesn't love a baby?

The Boardin' Boys

Last night my boys went snowboarding.  They did this last year and had such a fabulous time.  It is great for the girls because we get to have our "girls night" and the boys get to go and have fun with each other.

My "fierce" little man

They are ready man.

Jeremy and Seth went to dinner at Fredrico's, a local pizza place, then up to Beaver for snowboarding.  They got home at 10 pm and had a FANTASTIC time!!!  Seth was so tired, but just couldn't stop talking about all the fun he had.

Amelia, Libby and I went to Pier 49 Pizza and got a veggie gluten-free pizza.  Pretty yummy, but way too small for the cost.  Anyway, we then went home and ate brownies and ice cream and watched a Strawberry Shortcake movie.  Oh, and we can't forget the painting of Amelia's fingernails and toes.  It is the highlight of girls night for Amelia!

 

It was a great night and I can't wait to do it again.  My kids love it and so do Jeremy and I.  Next up, Mom and Seth time and Daddy and girls time.  Love this parenting gig.

These Children

I wanted to share this email I got this week.  This is from my friend, Shelley, who works with the children in our church.

Kim,
I have to tell you what your 2 cuties said during Sharing Time yesterday. I was talking about Jesus blessing the Nephite children and how he held them on his lap. I said that Jesus had probably given each of the children a hug, then I asked the Primary kids, "If you had been there and Jesus had given you a hug, what would you want to give him?" Some of the kids said they would give Jesus a hug. Amelia said, "I would draw a picture of myself and give it to Jesus." Seth (being Seth) said, "i would give him a light saber!" They crack me up! Thanks for sharing them with me!

Oh man, my kids are just the funniest.  I have tears rolling down my cheeks from laughing.  I am so very blessed.