Play is the Childs Work

She is a puppy and licks my arm.  He is Harry Potter and speaks in his English accent whenever he can.  She is a Princess and draws out her stories every chance she gets.

My kids have great imaginations.  They live in their imaginations and play make believe every chance they get.

They are best friends.  They have inside jokes, secret languages, and games where only they know the rules.

 

 They laugh, they cry, they fight, they make up.  They are never angry at each other for long.  They can't be.

They are each other's best playmates and play is what they do. I once heard that play is the child's work.

 We take that very seriously around these parts.  They live in their imaginations, and I am so glad. When they come home from school, we do homework and then PLAY.  There are no extra curricular activities to get in the way.  They have the whole world in front of them to explore.

Because someday, I won't be around and they will have only each other.  The memories they make while playing are what will help to form these relationships that last forever.

They play together, they play alone, we play as a family.  These are the moments that bond us like cement.  These are the moments that we will always remember. 

These are the moments that I know I will never forget.

This post is part of the GoGo Squeez and Story Bleed Day of Play Blog Carnival.  They are encouraging families to get out and play together this Saturday.  I am planning on it, are you?

To Be Surrounded with Beauty

I want to surround myself with beauty.

To dive into a picture and live in that house.  The one with the perfectly placed furniture, art on the walls, the impossibly clean kitchen...I want to bury myself in those couch pillows and drink hot cider while watching the rain pelt the window.

Photo Credit House of Turquoise

I want to surround myself with beauty.

To feel so close to Heaven that I could just reach out my hand and touch it.  To feel once again so close to God and be reminded this is all part of His plan.

I want to be better, to do better.

Today I surround myself with imperfections.  My imperfect, beautiful life.  The holes in the walls waiting to be patched, the LEGO's scattered to and fro, the papers love notes that have been drawn and written by my children littering every surface available.

The dirty floors, dirty dishes, laundry waiting to be folded, yelling children, yelling Mama.  Happy squeals, makeshift tree swings, sweaty stinky children playing.

I want to surround myself with beauty. And I do.

Linking up with Heather and her Just Write challenge.  Join us, won't you?

sneaky grief

grief is sneaky.

typically i am so busy that i don't have time to grieve. i don't have time to dwell. i don't have time to remember. it's not like it was in those first days, weeks, months and years. it's not like it was when there was just me and my very little son (both inutero and out). these days i go go go...i try to run hard enough that the grief can't sneak up on me. i go go go trying to outrun the grief, trying to get ahead of it. trying to outsmart it.

i like it this way. i like to stay busy so i don't have to think about the 3rd grader i don't get to pick up today.

emma's angel day was busy this year. i didn't cry. at all. i didn't have time.

it was the kids' first day of school, my friend michelle and i went to lunch, the kids came home, we skyped with my folks in the philippines, jeremy's sister and her kids came from kansas. it was insane.

i felt guilty about not crying the next day and the next and the next.

but you know what? i don't think emma cares if i cry or not. i don't think she thinks i love her any less and i know she wouldn't want me to abandon all else that needed to be done just because it was the day she died.

but then, just when i say it's ok that i didn't cry, i see a picture of someone from my past. someone with a child a few weeks younger than emma. someone whose child got to live and grow up. and then it hits. and it is unfair and it hurts. i get mad, i get jealous, i lash out at everyone around me, i eat and then i surrender and i cry.

it has happened so many times. a song, an outfit i think she would have looked cute in, a smell, a picture, a thought. something so simple can bring me to my knees and extract sobs from the deepest part of my soul.

when my soul becomes as parched as the texas desert, grief comes and is a rain storm for my heart. it cleans, refreshes, renews. it knows what i need before i do.

i feel it coming. i am harder on my kids, on myself, on others around me. i snap more. i eat more. i am more easily frustrated. i know this cycle. i know what to expect. i can feel it coming so i run harder trying to escape it. and just when i think i have...

i will break down.

like i said, grief is sneaky. it gets me every time.

Work Work Work.

I don't believe in allowance.

I used to, but don't anymore.  A couple years ago we started giving our children allowance of 10 cents per year of age (5 = 50 cents).  It was working great...for a while.  But we found that when our children didn't have to do anything to get that money, they became really demanding.  They started to have the attitude that we owed them money just for them being in our family.

Yeah, that's not okay.

So, Jeremy and I got rid of allowance.  No longer do you get paid just for gracing us with your presence dear children!  I have to work for my money, so why shouldn't they?

This weekend, we instituted the Job Jar.  This magnificent little jar has stopped the "give me money" syndrome that was taking over our house. The children love going and picking a color and a job and then getting to work!

Here are the rules - you can not earn more than $3.00 a week.  You can not earn any money from the Job Jar until your chores that you have to do are done.  Once a chore is done, that stick is taken from the job jar until Mom needs it done again.

The jobs are broken into payment categories.  Orange is the easiest and therefore worth the least amount (10 cents).  Blue is the hardest and worth the most (50 cents).

Our children have to put 10% of their earnings into savings and 10% to charity.  We want them to learn not only to work hard for their money, but to be smart with it and give to others.


My hope is that this is something we can do for as long as our children are in the house.  I want to inspire them to do their best and to give them opportunities to earn money by working hard.

Do you do allowance in your house?  If not, what do you do when your kids want money? How do you inspire your children to work and do a good job?


This post is part of the Hallmark Life is a Special Occasion Campaign.  I am lucky enough to be blogging for Hallmark the rest of this year about different topics.  This month's theme is inspiration, and I want to know how you inspire your kids to work hard!
Be sure to head over to Hallmark's site and sign up for their newsletters. Who knows, I might even pop up in one of the newsletters!  Also, at the bottom of the page, you can see all the Hallmark Bloggers and read what everyone has to say.  It is truly inspiring reading!
While I am compensated to write this post, as always the words are all mine and can not be bought.

Running Scared.

I had a bad day.  I eat.

I had a good day.  I eat.

I have friends or family visiting.  We eat.

You want to know what there is to do in my town?  I'll take you to my favorite places...to eat.

See a pattern here?  Me too.

I eat and I feel terrible after.  I eat cookies, brownies, coconut milk ice cream (YUM!), chocolate chips, nut balls (disguised as healthy, but I know they aren't), granola bars, pie, cupcakes...whatever I can get my hands on that contain sugar...and chocolate.

I have struggled with my weight for as long as I can remember.

I read her words this morning and with heavy heart, realize that my eating isn't much different than her drinking.

It consumes me.  What am I going to eat?  When am I going to eat?  Who am I going to eat with, or how can I hide it from Jeremy?

I know it's not healthy, but I don't know that I am strong enough to do what I need to to change it.

I justify in my brain that it's not like drinking, because you can avoid alcohol, you can't avoid food.

My friends say it's not healthy to deprive yourself of sugar.  Chocolate makes everything better.  You just had a baby, give yourself time.

Maybe if I could stop at one bite...but I'll eat the whole thing and still want more.

Bigger than I've ever been, more uncomfortable in my skin than I've ever been and I am scared.  I am scared of changing.  I am scared of making that commitment.

More than anything though, I am scared of failing. I am scared of failing...again.

I am linking up with my dear friend Heather, and her Just Write Challenge.  Join us, won't you?

Liberty Jane is Three

She is Three.

 

How is this possible?

When did this baby girl

fall in love with pink,

spaghetti,

cookies,

and clementines?

When did she 

learn how to spin,

dance,

sing,

and melt my heart?

Where has the time gone?

A few bits and bobs about my Liberty.

Her favorite song is "Hourglass" by Mindy Gledhill.  When she sings, "don't turn around and grow up way too fast" I think to myself that she is doing just that.
She LOOOVES her baby brother more than anything in the world and is such a fantastic big sister.
She would eat clementines and crackers all day long if I let her. (and sometimes I do)
She loves to play family (fa-mil-y) and it is the biggest treat in the world if you ask to play it with her.
Libby is my snuggle puppy. She loves to snuggle and so do I...so we're pretty good with that one.
However, with that sweetness comes SASS! She has an attitude as big as Texas...the apple doesn't fall far from the tree I guess!
She just had her first haircut ever, we cut off about 2 inches and it breaks my heart to see how long it was and how short it is now.
Libby has the most beautiful eyes.  Such a light color blue and the shape is like her Daddy's.  She is just a beauty.
She loves to swim, ride her bike, play any ball game (especially basketball which consists of throwing the basketball to me), and really anything else that her brother and sister do.
And when she is tired (which she frequently is since she wakes with the birds) she plays with her belly button and sucks her thumb.  This started when Elliott was born and she couldn't kiss her brother (my belly button) anymore.

Happy Birthday to my Liberty Jane.  You are an amazing little person and I can't wait to see who you become.

Make a video - it's fun, easy and free!
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Love for Arianne

There are people you meet in your life who you feel like you've known forever.  People who you meet online, then in real life and think, "haven't I always known you?"

I have a handful of these friends that I have met online.  One of them is throwing a virtual shower for another one!

Waiting for Wicked in New York.  Yep, I'm a hot sweaty mess. Aren't they gorgeous though?

Arianne is one of my favorite people in the world.  She and I have similar parenting styles, philosophies about life, and Angel daughters waiting for us up above.

Ari is pregnant and due any minute now.  I found out she was pregnant at Blissdom this year.  She pulled me aside and said with giddy anticipation, "I'm pregnant! but SHHHH don't tell anyone, ok? I'm only about 6 weeks".  I squealed and hugged her tight.  The babe in my womb jumped for joy.

I knew she would have an emotionally rough road.  Just 18 months ago she gave birth to her sweet Mabel Love.  Pregnancy + Grief = crazy emotions and lots of crying. LOTS OF CRYING.

But, I knew she could do it.  And she has.

Ari and Sara on our way to a NYC apartment where we sang  Newsies all night long.

So, to celebrate this amazing woman, who so many adore, our dear friend (and Ari's twin (not really, but OH MAN, you should SEE the two of them together. They really are twins)) Sara Sophia, has organized an amazing online baby shower!

 Sara Sophia has contacted some of the most amazing companies to give Arianne fabulous gifts.  And, those great companies are giving them to Sara Sophia's readers also!

But that is not all.  Even though free stuff is amazing, there is another aspect to this shower that I especially adore.  The writing.  Arianne and Sara Sophia are writers at heart.  Their words resonate with so many, and just flow off their fingertips.  They appreciate good writing, and not so great writing (like mine, ha!).

So, Sara Sophia has contacted many of Arianne's friends to have us write a little something for her.  My words come straight from my heart and my experience. I read them again and I cry every time because they are so so true.

Please join with me in showering Arianne with love as she prepares for the birth of her new beautiful baby. 

Prairie Mama, Unplugged

You are out with your family having a great time.  You are playing at the park, swimming at the pool, or having a picnic.  Something happens and immediately, you tell your husband,(who is the one with the fancy schmancy phone that allows you to do fun things) "Give me your phone so I can tweet this!".  He does, you tweet it, and then get sucked into the lives of all your friends...and miss parts of yours.

Or...

After said event (or anytime you are out of the house) you get home get people settled (or if you are being totally honest, rely on your husband to get them settled) and you sit down to nurse the baby and check email.  Although checking email quickly turns into reading Twitter feed, updating Facebook status, reading blogs and before you know it an hour has passed.

One more...

The kids are getting restless.  There is fighting, you are stressed and don't want to deal with anything anymore.  You walk over to the computer desk sit down and escape.

Sound familiar?  It does to me.

My life was becoming fuzzy around the edges.  I was feeling bad about myself, about my life, about...everything.  I was worried if people weren't responding to me on Twitter.  I was worried about the responses I was getting on Facebook.  I was looking at my numbers far too frequently, and playing with my children far too little.

My kids were competing for my attention with my iPod and the computer.  The baby was starting to cry when he saw me headed to the computer.

I knew something had to change, and quickly.  No baby should be afraid of the computer!

For the last 2 days, I have been offline.

This wasn't easy.  First, there were the logistics of it. With my new job, I had to research and write my posts for the next 2 days.

Also, I had to anticipate anything I might need online (hello maps!) and try to get it taken care of before I shut down.

Tuesday morning dawned and I didn't sit down at the computer.  I got the kids off to school and when I would normally let Libby watch Sesame Street and I would catch up on what happened in the night online, I didn't.

I ate breakfast with my daughter.  I played "family" with her. We read books, played Strawberry Shortcake, snuggled and giggled together.  When the baby woke up, we went up together and played with him, changed his diaper, got him dressed and played some more.

My sister-in-law and her little girls are here visiting with us, so we were able to spend a great day together.  I turned off the computer and tuned in to my little ones.

When the kids were tired and ready to rest, it was hard for me not to sit down and check my email.  Instead, I sat and talked to my sister-in-law.  I read an article in a magazine.  I exercised different parts of my brain. OH! And I folded some laundry and did a few dishes.

When I got the big kids from school, I told my son what I was doing.  He was SO excited.  This is the boy who has always been able to articulate his feelings well.  So there have been several times when he has asked me to stop being on the computer so much.  During the Summer, he and I had a deal that I would only be on the computer when the kids were eating breakfast and lunch.  This worked well...when I did it. 

You see, this is my escape.  This is where I hide when things get too overwhelming in my life.  This is where I run to when I don't want to deal with whatever is going on in my world.  I know this.  I have talked to many a therapist about this at length.  It is something I am cognizant of and something I work hard at changing.

This isn't the first time I have stepped away from the computer.  I have done it when we have gone on vacations and I haven't had access to the internet.  But, it is the first time I have done it when my computer was sitting right there on my desk beckoning me to "come, take a load off and let your mind wander..."

I didn't do it though.  It is Wednesday night now, and all the kids (except the baby who is being  stinker right now) are in bed.

It was hard.  I found that my fingers got itchy to tell you all about the cute things my kids said or did.  I would be lying if I didn't tell you that I wanted to ask Dr. Twitter about my 4 month old's insane amount of spit up.  And if I said that I didn't want to tell you all how cute it was when, right after Libby threw up, she said, "Your yelling made me sick"...well, that would just not be true.

It was hard.  But it was WORTH IT.  The time I had with my family, is time I treasure.  And this will not be the last time I go silent.

I don't have it in me to go silent for weeks or months.  I like to talk too much.  Writing is my therapy and I have many real and virtual friends in this space.  To say I would walk away for an extended amount of time would be unrealisitic.

However, I have been inspired by this time, to take 1 day a week and sign off.  This will be Sundays.  Sunday is our family day.  We don't have friends over to play, we don't watch TV or movies, so it makes sense that Mama doesn't get online.

I am going to play more board games, have more tickle fights, read more books, and be more present.  My kids deserve it and so do I.

Are you inspired by my unplugging?  If so, I want to urge you to take a day or two (or more if you're really brave) and turn off your computer.  I would love to know how it works for you!

 
This post is part of the Hallmark Life is a Special Occasion Campaign.  I am lucky enough to be blogging for Hallmark the rest of this year about different topics.  This month's theme is inspiration, and I hope to inspire one (or more) of you to unplug from your online world and plug into your real one!
Be sure to head over to Hallmark's site and sign up for their newsletters. Who knows, I might even pop up in one of the newsletters!  Also, at the bottom of the page, you can see all the Hallmark Bloggers and read what everyone has to say.  It is truly inspiring reading!
While I am compensated to write this post, as always the words are all mine and can not be bought.

Beware Of Piano Benches

It was an average morning in my household.  We were getting the children ready for school.  Packing up bags, fixing hair, and filling stomachs to ensure a great day of learning.

When out of nowhere, the Piano bench my daughter was sitting on shoved a piece of it's self into my leg.

Exhibit A:

A 1/2 inch piece of Piano Bench freshly torn off

Exhibit B:

Half of the Splinter that was extracted from my leg

 Exhibit C:

My leg after the splinter was removed using needles and a coring device.

 Exhibit D:

Injury to scale

So, I tell you this as your friend.  Beware of old piano benches.  You never know when they are going to get an attitude and want to hitch a ride in your leg.

This Public Service Announcement was brought to you by the hole in my leg and the limp in my walk.

First Day

I always loved the first day of school.  The smell of glue and markers and fresh crayons in the morning.  Finding out who was in my class, making new friends, doing new things.

It is no different for these two.

Best Friends

With 10 Kindergarten classes and 9 First Grade classes, this was about 1/3 of all the students in the Cafeteria for the K/1st morning assembly.  This school is HUGE!

 

They both went in without so much as a goodbye to their Mama and sister.  Libby asked, "Where is Melia? We need to go get her! She will be too sad and will miss us too much!"

Oh no baby girl, it is not she who will miss us, it is US who will miss her and your brother.

When we went to pick up the kids, Amelia was so tired, but had a fabulous day.  She didn't play with anyone at recess, still trying to figure out friends and where she fits - I know this because she is so much like me.  She loves her Teacher and even picked her flowers on the way home.

Seth, well, Seth had a Seth day at school.  This boy thrives on structure and routine.  Anyone who has ever had a first week of school knows that structure and routine are not what happen right away.  He is feeling pretty lousy right now, but he has a FABULOUS Teacher this year, she even called him tonight to chat with him after I shared some of my concerns with her in an email.

It is Teachers like this that will make this year so great for my kids.

How about you guys?  Have your kids started school?  What was the first day like for them?  I want to hear from everyone; public and homeschool Mamas, tell me your experiences!

August 23.

We were up at 6:30 this morning.  A buzz of excitement ran through the house like electricity.  Amelia got up easier than she ever has, as she is my girl who loves to sleep.  She was dressed and in my room to do her hair before I even had to ask.

They both looked so good...dressed in their favorite duds, ready for a new year for Seth and a first year for Amelia of school.

As we braved the traffic, the hoards of students (and parents) and made our way to the school, I couldn't help wondering how different my life could have, should have, would have been.

Today I should have been taking my 3 big kids to school.  I should have had to get up just a little bit earlier because I'd have 2 girls who needed their hair done. I should have had to stop at the stairs in the school to kiss Emma goodbye and wish her a great first day of 3rd grade.  Then I should have kissed Seth and Amelia and told them to watch for their big sister after school.

Instead, I kissed Seth goodbye, watched Amelia's Kindergarten parade, kissed her goodbye and wiped tears from Libby's eyes as she realized Amelia wasn't coming home with us.

Instead of waiting to hear about the first day of school from my 3 big kids, I will only hear about it from 2.

Instead of having an 8 year 8 month 8day old who is in 3rd grade, I have this.

I have a baby who stopped growing.  I have a daughter who I remember with all my heart and soul, but whose voice I have forgotten.

I have a piece of my soul that left me 8 years ago today.  I have a hole in my heart that will never be filled.  I have an ache in my arms that can not be cured.  My body feels a thirst for her that can not be quenched.

Emma has 4 siblings who don't get to play with her.  She has 2 brothers and 2 sisters who don't know what it is like to have an older sister here on this Earth.  She has 2 sisters who want nothing more than to play dolls, barbies, family and dressups with her.  She has a brother who wants to play Legos, Ninjas and Pirates with her.  She has a baby brother who wants her to hold him, make him giggle, and play with him.

She has a Mama and a Daddy who lost a part of themselves the day she died.  She has 2 Parents who would give the world to have her back in their arms again.

Today should have been much different than it was.  My picture files of her shouldn't have stopped on August 22, 2003.  My world should have kept going on August 23, 2003.  I should know what it's like to have her here.

I should know what she would look like.  I should know how dark and long her hair would be.  Would it be unruly like mine and Amelia's?  Would it be curly like her Aunt's?  Would she look as much like Jeremy's sister now as she did then?  Would she want to do dance or karate or swim?  Would she tan easily in the summer like her siblings?  Would she have Bieber Fever?  Would I be okay with it?  What kind of music would she like?  What would her taste in fashion be?  Who would be her best friend?  What kinds of secrets would they tell?  What games would she like?

I have these and a million other questions.  I think of these questions and then push them back down into the dark recesses of my heart.  It hurts too much to think about it.  It hurts too much to remember what is gone.  It hurts too much.  It hurts too much.  It hurts too much.

My daughter should have started 3rd grade today.  Instead, I am remembering the 8th anniversary of her death.

And I hate every moment of it.

Torn

It is amazing to me how so much of my heart can be stuck in one place

August 22, 2003...our last picture

And still be so present in another.

 

 

 Oh my heart. I love these people so much and they make tomorrow just a little bit easier.