Tuesday, August 23, 2011

August 23.

We were up at 6:30 this morning.  A buzz of excitement ran through the house like electricity.  Amelia got up easier than she ever has, as she is my girl who loves to sleep.  She was dressed and in my room to do her hair before I even had to ask.

They both looked so good...dressed in their favorite duds, ready for a new year for Seth and a first year for Amelia of school.

As we braved the traffic, the hoards of students (and parents) and made our way to the school, I couldn't help wondering how different my life could have, should have, would have been.

Today I should have been taking my 3 big kids to school.  I should have had to get up just a little bit earlier because I'd have 2 girls who needed their hair done. I should have had to stop at the stairs in the school to kiss Emma goodbye and wish her a great first day of 3rd grade.  Then I should have kissed Seth and Amelia and told them to watch for their big sister after school.

Instead, I kissed Seth goodbye, watched Amelia's Kindergarten parade, kissed her goodbye and wiped tears from Libby's eyes as she realized Amelia wasn't coming home with us.

Instead of waiting to hear about the first day of school from my 3 big kids, I will only hear about it from 2.

Instead of having an 8 year 8 month 8day old who is in 3rd grade, I have this.


I have a baby who stopped growing.  I have a daughter who I remember with all my heart and soul, but whose voice I have forgotten.

I have a piece of my soul that left me 8 years ago today.  I have a hole in my heart that will never be filled.  I have an ache in my arms that can not be cured.  My body feels a thirst for her that can not be quenched.


Emma has 4 siblings who don't get to play with her.  She has 2 brothers and 2 sisters who don't know what it is like to have an older sister here on this Earth.  She has 2 sisters who want nothing more than to play dolls, barbies, family and dressups with her.  She has a brother who wants to play Legos, Ninjas and Pirates with her.  She has a baby brother who wants her to hold him, make him giggle, and play with him.

She has a Mama and a Daddy who lost a part of themselves the day she died.  She has 2 Parents who would give the world to have her back in their arms again.


Today should have been much different than it was.  My picture files of her shouldn't have stopped on August 22, 2003.  My world should have kept going on August 23, 2003.  I should know what it's like to have her here.

I should know what she would look like.  I should know how dark and long her hair would be.  Would it be unruly like mine and Amelia's?  Would it be curly like her Aunt's?  Would she look as much like Jeremy's sister now as she did then?  Would she want to do dance or karate or swim?  Would she tan easily in the summer like her siblings?  Would she have Bieber Fever?  Would I be okay with it?  What kind of music would she like?  What would her taste in fashion be?  Who would be her best friend?  What kinds of secrets would they tell?  What games would she like?


I have these and a million other questions.  I think of these questions and then push them back down into the dark recesses of my heart.  It hurts too much to think about it.  It hurts too much to remember what is gone.  It hurts too much.  It hurts too much.  It hurts too much.


My daughter should have started 3rd grade today.  Instead, I am remembering the 8th anniversary of her death.



And I hate every moment of it.


32 comments:

Pgoodness said...

Sending you lots of love and hugs today.

Kalli said...

beautiful girl, hang in there, I'm sure she misses you every bit as much as you miss her

*Lissa* said...

Lots and lots of love, girl. xo

Kirsten said...

Hugs and prayers.

Morgan -Ing said...

Prayers for your family today. I'm so so sorry you have to have today be what it is.

partyof5 said...

Thinking of you today and always. ♥

Mommy Mo said...

I am bawling Kim. I hate that your Emma left this Earth way too soon. I hate that you and J lost your baby girl. I hate that your other 4 awesome kids don't get to know their big sister. I hate every moment of this for you, too.

Marty said...

You have been in my prayers for days now. I will keep you there.

Erin said...

My heart is broken for you today.
I wish I had something magical to say, but I know there is nothing. Just know you are in my heart, always.

Elaine A. said...

This makes me cry and ache for you and J and your other babies. I wish she were here with you. I SO do. I'm so sorry...

Love you...

Kylee said...

Keeping you and your family in my prayers. I'm sorry. Love & hugs.

designHER Momma said...

oh kim,
I am SO SO SO SO sorry for you. Thanks for sharing your heart with us.

Megan@TrueDaughter said...

My heart and prayers are with you today!

Maggy said...

She misses you too, Kim. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

nicole said...

So sorry. Prayers for peace in the midst of unimaginable grief.

tawnya said...

Lots and lots and lots of love.

mommabird2345 said...

Thinking of you and your family.

Lisa @ Crazy Adventures in Parenting said...

Tears and so so much love to you, honey.

Heather said...

Love you Kim. I wish it was different. so, so different.

Ashleigh (Heart and Home) said...

I love you. Holding you close to my heart today. I ache for your ache.

Stephanie said...

I am hurting today for you. She is sorely missed by all her cousins who knew her on earth and her Aunt Nannie and Uncle Chip:(

I'll text after going to cemetery.

Love you sister.

Holly said...

Oh what an impossibly difficult thing to remember every year.... Hugs and prayers for you and your family.

swonderful said...

oh kim. my heart aches for you. i'm sending love.

love said...

i hate it for you. hate it.

shedding tears and sending prayers for you now.

and promising to hold my little ones all tighter and love them even harder in honor of emma.

Stacy said...

Oh sweet Kim. Love to you and your family today.

Emily said...

Hugs, love and prayers... I'm so sorry..

Judi said...

Beautifully written. So sorry.
Love and Hugs♥

Arianne said...

I was quiet for you and for Emma yesterday. It was a hard day here too as I had to go through some things with the OB that only reminded me of Mabel. It was a day that ended with such emotional exhaustion that I could hardly breath. I didn't like yesterday. I wanted us to be in another life somewhere, where these things haven't happened.

But today, I woke with new mercies. With some tired and some slow moving, but ready to take on today. Just today. Each day churns forward, and today I'll go with it. Love you. <3

OSMA said...

I met you in the serenity suite last year while you were knitting. We chatted for a bit and I kept your card tucked in the front of my wallet with the others I planned on checking out bc I liked them in real life. I've visited your site periodically but have never commented. Until now. I cannot keep quiet as I think about you and your precious baby girl. My heart aches for you and the absolute hole in your and your family's heart. I wish I could bring you peace and comfort while absolving some of your sadness. Sending many virtual hugs from many miles away from a fellow blogger girl who never forgot your warm smile.

Sarah@EmergingMummy said...

Thinking of you and praying for you this morning, Kim. Deep soul prayers for you. xo

HaB said...

Sending you thoughts of peace, love and tons of Hugs. xoxo

Rowan Mayfaire said...

My daughter's angel-versary was June 22nd, but I still feel especially saddened in September too -- it was the first year her brother went to school, and she was so excited to be the one to pick him up after classes. I remember that every year (and probably will for life). The last day she was on Earth, she visited her new school (as we'd just moved) and was so happy to start there in the fall. I wanted to start a school butterfly garden for her (although probably too late now anyways) but which school would I do it for? The last one she attended? No one there would remember her now most likely. I understand your random thoughts about her, my daughter would be 16 this year. I wonder if she would have wanted a car, what kind, if she'd be dating boys now, would she wear too much makeup, would she be scholarly? Somehow, I know we'll both muddle through it, somehow.