Monday, September 19, 2011

sneaky grief

grief is sneaky.

typically i am so busy that i don't have time to grieve. i don't have time to dwell. i don't have time to remember. it's not like it was in those first days, weeks, months and years. it's not like it was when there was just me and my very little son (both inutero and out). these days i go go go...i try to run hard enough that the grief can't sneak up on me. i go go go trying to outrun the grief, trying to get ahead of it. trying to outsmart it.

i like it this way. i like to stay busy so i don't have to think about the 3rd grader i don't get to pick up today.

emma's angel day was busy this year. i didn't cry. at all. i didn't have time.

it was the kids' first day of school, my friend michelle and i went to lunch, the kids came home, we skyped with my folks in the philippines, jeremy's sister and her kids came from kansas. it was insane.

i felt guilty about not crying the next day and the next and the next.

but you know what? i don't think emma cares if i cry or not. i don't think she thinks i love her any less and i know she wouldn't want me to abandon all else that needed to be done just because it was the day she died.

but then, just when i say it's ok that i didn't cry, i see a picture of someone from my past. someone with a child a few weeks younger than emma. someone whose child got to live and grow up. and then it hits. and it is unfair and it hurts. i get mad, i get jealous, i lash out at everyone around me, i eat and then i surrender and i cry.

it has happened so many times. a song, an outfit i think she would have looked cute in, a smell, a picture, a thought. something so simple can bring me to my knees and extract sobs from the deepest part of my soul.

when my soul becomes as parched as the texas desert, grief comes and is a rain storm for my heart. it cleans, refreshes, renews. it knows what i need before i do.

i feel it coming. i am harder on my kids, on myself, on others around me. i snap more. i eat more. i am more easily frustrated. i know this cycle. i know what to expect. i can feel it coming so i run harder trying to escape it. and just when i think i have...

i will break down.

like i said, grief is sneaky. it gets me every time.


Whit said...

Oh Kim, my heart grieves for you my dear. I can't even begin to imagine.
I do understand running from grief and pretending like it's not there and then it all catching up with you and breaking you down to nothing but your soul in that moment.
We moms are amazing creatures of this world!

Courtney said...

not crying on a certain day is totally normal..crying at a child who is around the same age as your sweet girl is also normal and I think the hardest thing to get through with loss of a child.

Sarah@EmergingMummy said...

No wisdom from me, Kim, but my heart is with you today.

mommabird2345 said...

Grief is sneaky and it sucks. Thinking of you.

Tauni said...

I will pray for you cause honestly that is all I have!

Hyacynth said...

Thinking of you, praying for you ... and totally with on grief being sneaky. It always sneaks up on me, too.

Jessica said...

Thank you for putting my thoughts into words each time I read your blog! It really helps me heal too.

The King's Daughter said...

You write it so well. It is good to have that cry. We just passed my son's birthday. He would have been 12. His brother turned 16 the day before. I was a mess this year.

Love to you.