grief is sneaky.
typically i am so busy that i don't have time to grieve. i don't have time to dwell. i don't have time to remember. it's not like it was in those first days, weeks, months and years. it's not like it was when there was just me and my very little son (both inutero and out). these days i go go go...i try to run hard enough that the grief can't sneak up on me. i go go go trying to outrun the grief, trying to get ahead of it. trying to outsmart it.
i like it this way. i like to stay busy so i don't have to think about the 3rd grader i don't get to pick up today.
emma's angel day was busy this year. i didn't cry. at all. i didn't have time.
it was the kids' first day of school, my friend michelle and i went to lunch, the kids came home, we skyped with my folks in the philippines, jeremy's sister and her kids came from kansas. it was insane.
i felt guilty about not crying the next day and the next and the next.
but you know what? i don't think emma cares if i cry or not. i don't think she thinks i love her any less and i know she wouldn't want me to abandon all else that needed to be done just because it was the day she died.
but then, just when i say it's ok that i didn't cry, i see a picture of someone from my past. someone with a child a few weeks younger than emma. someone whose child got to live and grow up. and then it hits. and it is unfair and it hurts. i get mad, i get jealous, i lash out at everyone around me, i eat and then i surrender and i cry.
it has happened so many times. a song, an outfit i think she would have looked cute in, a smell, a picture, a thought. something so simple can bring me to my knees and extract sobs from the deepest part of my soul.
when my soul becomes as parched as the texas desert, grief comes and is a rain storm for my heart. it cleans, refreshes, renews. it knows what i need before i do.
i feel it coming. i am harder on my kids, on myself, on others around me. i snap more. i eat more. i am more easily frustrated. i know this cycle. i know what to expect. i can feel it coming so i run harder trying to escape it. and just when i think i have...
i will break down.
like i said, grief is sneaky. it gets me every time.