Thursday, January 22, 2009

Failure

I am afraid. yes, of spiders and fish and birds, but not just that. I am afraid of failure. This morning, Jeremy and I were talking about my weight loss and how things are going. I am not feeling so great about it. Granted I've lost 10 lbs. in 3 weeks, but it's not enough. It's gotten me thinking today about my weight and why it is such a big issue with me.

When I was a little girl, I remember my Grama saying, "I wish I had your figure and you had a feather". I never understood what that meant, but I think it was her way of telling me that I looked good. I never felt it though.

The first time I really thought much about how I looked was when I was 5 or 6. I was in dance class and all the other girls were really long and I was round. It was the only way I knew how to describe it. I felt weird and that I didn't fit with them.

As I got older, my weight was always an issue. Now, you have to understand something, I was never fat. Not at all. I just thought I was. I have an older sister and a Mother who were struggling with their weight so I of course, thought I should be struggling with mine. I have never been tiny, so I felt huge.

When I was in Jr. High I was a cheerleader (don't laugh...ok, laugh, it's fine. Maybe someday I'll share pictures!) and I was always a base. No big whoop, right? To be the girl that the little girls stand on? Well, it is a big deal when you're 13 and 14. It sucks. They tell the boys, the boys tease you about your weight and you decide that you don't like this whole cheerleading biz anyway so you make up some lame excuse as to why you're not trying out in High School. Didn't happen to you? Uh, ok...purely hypothetical anyway.

Anyway, so back to weight and body image and all that jazz. When I graduated from High School I weighed 135 lbs, wore a size 10 jeans and looked H-O-T. Except, I didn't think so. And I thought if I did think so it would mean that I was concieted. I didn't know that a person could be humble and still comfortable in their skin.

Fast forward to today. I am not the heaviest I've been -- that was after Emma died and I got pregnant with Seth. But, I am also not the thinnest. I am trying really hard not to fail at getting healthy and being in shape. I want to be comfortable in my skin. I want to feel good about myself.

I am afraid of failure though. And I'll tell you something, the failure I think I'm afraid of most, is the failure that will come from not teaching my girls about body image and that it is ok to be comfortable in your skin. Because while I work so hard at changing my mindset, I don't want my girls to have to. I want it to be second nature for them. I want them to be happy and confident women. I can not fail at this.

So my plan of action is to change myself now, while they are young. I will be healthy for their whole lives and help them to realize that however God makes them, they are beautiful, they are Daughters of God, and they are perfect. Just like me.

8 comments:

Lori said...

beautiful post. i will share one thing that i have learned. it's really all about which path you are on. you know which path that is. if you are on a path where you never move your body, where you are stressed, where you are eating wrong, that path is taking you somewhere you don't want to go. if you are on the good path, it doesn't mean you magically weigh what you want to weigh, it just means that you are doing the right things .. the things that take care of you .. and when you are on that path, those things are easier. there is an upward spiral -- if you eat right, suddenly you feel better and you actually want to move around. if you move more, suddenly you feel better and your body asks for healthy food instead of the candy bar and soda it wants when it is stressed and depressed. you sleep better at night. and so on, and so on.

after many years i have finally figured out that instead of piling up a lot of goals that then look unachievable, if i can just focus on one small, positive change, it topples over some other things in my favor .. and then i'm on the right path .. and i'm in the upward spiral.

i think your goal to be happy with yourself for your children is a wonderful one! :^)

Lolli said...

I completely agree with the value of giving your daughters a good body image. I somehow was blessed to feel comfortable about my body. It's not perfect by any means, but it's me. As long as I'm healthy and I feel good about myself, it shouldn't matter what I look like....how much my stomach sticks out...how much I need a hair style....LOL!

Nicole said...

You know I live this same struggle everyday. For me, I think it is about not putting my struggle on my kids. I will never be tiny, but I can be healthy. That is my goal to be healthy, and that is a goal I would hope my kids would have to. So rather make it about appearance (which is SO hard for me) I try to make it about something bigger. I am not trying to get thinner (though that might be a positive side affect) I am trying to make myself healthier. And really, as long as I am healthy and have the energy to be the mom I want to be, I don't really care about my jean size.

Lori said...

Hang in there. Focus on your health and happiness. Besides, count your blessings that you don't weigh as much as I do. ;P

kate said...

Kim, you are doing such a great job! I know that it is frustrating to make so many changes (and using so much will-power to not eat too many sweets) and then to have the weight come off so slowly. That is a great sign that you are doing it correctly and in a healthy way! Good Job! I still have my whole pilates studio set up in my basement, so sometime if you want a pilates session you can come over. We could put a movie on for the kids and see how far we can get before we get interrupted. Also, Sandra and I go to the rec center Tuesday nights at 5:30. it is $2 and the instructor is amazing! You should totally come with!!!!

aprilshowrs78 said...

A little over a year ago when I started my weight loss journey, I was afraid of failure, too. I mean I had failed at this before, so who's to say I won't fail again. But then, I was listening to one of my fitness heroes, and she talked about just this. Basically what she said is our opportunity for growth and success comes from failures. And it isn't important if we fail. What is important is that we learn from it, pick ourselves up, and try again. And something inside me just clicked.

So now I know that there are going to be days when I look at a bag of chips, and I'm going to eat chips. Or there may be a day when I am scheduled to work out, and I skip it. But now, rather than worry with it, I know I have it in me to start over the very next day. You just tell yourself that I can do this, I will do this, and I'm going to rock it. If I can have success at this, anyone can, and I know you will!

Christy M. said...

Kim,
This is post is so beautifully written. I almost feel like you stole the words out of my head. We've been down the same road with our weight, girl, and have the same feelings about instilling a healthy mindset in our children.

I'm working on it too. Some days it is so hard, and others it's kind of easy. One day soon, I know I'll be where I want to be, but in the meantime I try to not draw too much attention to my struggles around my children. I don't want to plant that seed in their sweet little heads just yet. For now, we talk about eating right and being active as a way to live a long, healthy life.

You'll get there. I know you will!

*Lissa* said...

Beautiful post, Kim. I can totally relate. The other night, my tiny 9-year-old daughter said, "I think I should be on the Biggest Loser." I was like, "What?" That really opened up my eyes.

You are doing fantastic, and I know you can do it!