I am afraid. yes, of spiders and fish and birds, but not just that. I am afraid of failure. This morning, Jeremy and I were talking about my weight loss and how things are going. I am not feeling so great about it. Granted I've lost 10 lbs. in 3 weeks, but it's not enough. It's gotten me thinking today about my weight and why it is such a big issue with me.
When I was a little girl, I remember my Grama saying, "I wish I had your figure and you had a feather". I never understood what that meant, but I think it was her way of telling me that I looked good. I never felt it though.
The first time I really thought much about how I looked was when I was 5 or 6. I was in dance class and all the other girls were really long and I was round. It was the only way I knew how to describe it. I felt weird and that I didn't fit with them.
As I got older, my weight was always an issue. Now, you have to understand something, I was never fat. Not at all. I just thought I was. I have an older sister and a Mother who were struggling with their weight so I of course, thought I should be struggling with mine. I have never been tiny, so I felt huge.
When I was in Jr. High I was a cheerleader (don't laugh...ok, laugh, it's fine. Maybe someday I'll share pictures!) and I was always a base. No big whoop, right? To be the girl that the little girls stand on? Well, it is a big deal when you're 13 and 14. It sucks. They tell the boys, the boys tease you about your weight and you decide that you don't like this whole cheerleading biz anyway so you make up some lame excuse as to why you're not trying out in High School. Didn't happen to you? Uh, ok...purely hypothetical anyway.
Anyway, so back to weight and body image and all that jazz. When I graduated from High School I weighed 135 lbs, wore a size 10 jeans and looked H-O-T. Except, I didn't think so. And I thought if I did think so it would mean that I was concieted. I didn't know that a person could be humble and still comfortable in their skin.
Fast forward to today. I am not the heaviest I've been -- that was after Emma died and I got pregnant with Seth. But, I am also not the thinnest. I am trying really hard not to fail at getting healthy and being in shape. I want to be comfortable in my skin. I want to feel good about myself.
I am afraid of failure though. And I'll tell you something, the failure I think I'm afraid of most, is the failure that will come from not teaching my girls about body image and that it is ok to be comfortable in your skin. Because while I work so hard at changing my mindset, I don't want my girls to have to. I want it to be second nature for them. I want them to be happy and confident women. I can not fail at this.
So my plan of action is to change myself now, while they are young. I will be healthy for their whole lives and help them to realize that however God makes them, they are beautiful, they are Daughters of God, and they are perfect. Just like me.