Monday, February 22, 2010

Looking Fear in the Eye

What are you so afraid of?  Why are you so hesitant to make a commitment and stick with it?  Why do you do this to yourself over and over and over and over?  Why can't you make the change and stick with it?

These are questions I ask myself daily.  Whether it is when I am eating a cookie (or 10), on the bike at the gym, going to get yet another Dr. Pepper from the drive-thru gas station (those should be outlawed, seriously), or when looking at pictures of myself.  These questions plague me.

I have been on this roller coaster for as long as I can remember.  I have never been satisfied with how I look.  I remember being in dance class and feeling like the big girl because my stomach was not flat like the other girls.  Then when I was a cheerleader in Jr. High and I was a base because I was "bigger" (5'6" and 120 lbs).  It never ended.  In College, I would compare myself to my roommates, friends, whoever was around and happened to have a better body, or body image than me, I would compare myself to them.

What is it about me that I find so unlovable that I can't make a commitment to myself to change?  Why do I put the needs of everyone else before mine?  When did I decide that it is okay to look like this?

 Jeremy insisted I smile in this picture even though I absolutely did not want to.

It is not okay.  I am tired of it.  I am tired of excuses. I am tired of all the reasons why it is okay for me to look this way and feel this way.  I am not doing it anymore.

On Saturday morning I was up and at the gym at 6:50 for a 7:00 cycling class.  Yes, I was awake at 6:30 on a Saturday.  As I was on the bike, and feeling amazing I might add, I had an epiphany.  I realized that I am so afraid of failure that I am not even willing to try.  Let that sink in for a minute.  This is huge for me.  A huge realization.  I am so afraid of failing that I am not even willing to try to succeed.  

And while I am not trying, I see people all around me excelling and looking and feeling amazing.  My sister is a single Mom to 5 kids, almost 40 and is the smallest she has ever been.  She exercises, is training for a sprint triathalon this summer, and feels amazing. My sister-in-law is the mom to 8 kids, 40 and is training for a triathalon this summer.  She looks amazing and is loving it.  They can do it.  They find the time.  They don't let the excuses bring them down.

I realized that I don't have to sit on the side lines anymore.  I don't have to sit back and watch everyone else get what I want so badly.  I can be healthy.  I can lose this weight.  I can feel better about myself.  I can be happy.

I am going to 2, possibly 3, blogger conferences this summer.  The first in May and the second in New York in August.  I want to not only look good, but feel good.  I want to have the confidence that I am a strong woman and that I am worth it.  I want for my friends who haven't seen me since last year to be amazed at the changes I have made.

Most of all, I want to be proud of myself.  I want to set a good example for my children and help them set good healthy habits in their lives.  I want to be around for them for a long long time.

It seems that this is a constant theme in my life.  I want to change, I know I have to change, I feel it in my bones...but I just don't do it.  I am paralyzed by the fear.

I am ready to look that fear straight in the eye and show it that I am strong.  I am stronger than the fear.  I am strong.

1 comment:

Cathy said...

Wow. I know how you feel. I also know that you can do it.