These are questions I ask myself daily. Whether it is when I am eating a cookie (or 10), on the bike at the gym, going to get yet another Dr. Pepper from the drive-thru gas station (those should be outlawed, seriously), or when looking at pictures of myself. These questions plague me.
I have been on this roller coaster for as long as I can remember. I have never been satisfied with how I look. I remember being in dance class and feeling like the big girl because my stomach was not flat like the other girls. Then when I was a cheerleader in Jr. High and I was a base because I was "bigger" (5'6" and 120 lbs). It never ended. In College, I would compare myself to my roommates, friends, whoever was around and happened to have a better body, or body image than me, I would compare myself to them.
What is it about me that I find so unlovable that I can't make a commitment to myself to change? Why do I put the needs of everyone else before mine? When did I decide that it is okay to look like this?
Jeremy insisted I smile in this picture even though I absolutely did not want to.
It is not okay. I am tired of it. I am tired of excuses. I am tired of all the reasons why it is okay for me to look this way and feel this way. I am not doing it anymore.
On Saturday morning I was up and at the gym at 6:50 for a 7:00 cycling class. Yes, I was awake at 6:30 on a Saturday. As I was on the bike, and feeling amazing I might add, I had an epiphany. I realized that I am so afraid of failure that I am not even willing to try. Let that sink in for a minute. This is huge for me. A huge realization. I am so afraid of failing that I am not even willing to try to succeed.
And while I am not trying, I see people all around me excelling and looking and feeling amazing. My sister is a single Mom to 5 kids, almost 40 and is the smallest she has ever been. She exercises, is training for a sprint triathalon this summer, and feels amazing. My sister-in-law is the mom to 8 kids, 40 and is training for a triathalon this summer. She looks amazing and is loving it. They can do it. They find the time. They don't let the excuses bring them down.
I realized that I don't have to sit on the side lines anymore. I don't have to sit back and watch everyone else get what I want so badly. I can be healthy. I can lose this weight. I can feel better about myself. I can be happy.
I am going to 2, possibly 3, blogger conferences this summer. The first in May and the second in New York in August. I want to not only look good, but feel good. I want to have the confidence that I am a strong woman and that I am worth it. I want for my friends who haven't seen me since last year to be amazed at the changes I have made.
Most of all, I want to be proud of myself. I want to set a good example for my children and help them set good healthy habits in their lives. I want to be around for them for a long long time.
It seems that this is a constant theme in my life. I want to change, I know I have to change, I feel it in my bones...but I just don't do it. I am paralyzed by the fear.
I am ready to look that fear straight in the eye and show it that I am strong. I am stronger than the fear. I am strong.