Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Running Scared.

I had a bad day.  I eat.

I had a good day.  I eat.

I have friends or family visiting.  We eat.

You want to know what there is to do in my town?  I'll take you to my favorite places...to eat.

See a pattern here?  Me too.

I eat and I feel terrible after.  I eat cookies, brownies, coconut milk ice cream (YUM!), chocolate chips, nut balls (disguised as healthy, but I know they aren't), granola bars, pie, cupcakes...whatever I can get my hands on that contain sugar...and chocolate.

I have struggled with my weight for as long as I can remember.

I read her words this morning and with heavy heart, realize that my eating isn't much different than her drinking.

It consumes me.  What am I going to eat?  When am I going to eat?  Who am I going to eat with, or how can I hide it from Jeremy?

I know it's not healthy, but I don't know that I am strong enough to do what I need to to change it.

I justify in my brain that it's not like drinking, because you can avoid alcohol, you can't avoid food.

My friends say it's not healthy to deprive yourself of sugar.  Chocolate makes everything better.  You just had a baby, give yourself time.

Maybe if I could stop at one bite...but I'll eat the whole thing and still want more.

Bigger than I've ever been, more uncomfortable in my skin than I've ever been and I am scared.  I am scared of changing.  I am scared of making that commitment.

More than anything though, I am scared of failing. I am scared of failing...again.

I am linking up with my dear friend Heather, and her Just Write Challenge.  Join us, won't you?


Lori said...

I'm at my heaviest weight I have ever been. This is exactly how I feel. You wrote this beautifully. Thanks for being honest and thanks for the reminder that I need to be honest with myself.

simplicity said...

Being honest with yourself is the first step.

Thanks for writing something many struggle with but don't want to admit.

Heather said...

I've struggled with food for a really LONG time. I was diagnosed with EDNOS. Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified because my eating habits were so messed up. My relationship with food has always been strained. I loved/hated eating. I would starve myself, I would binge/purge, I would just binge. I loved food. I hated food. I mostly hated that I loved food.

There is light and that you can get a healthy relationship with food. I'm there right now.

Just know that you're not alone and you can make it.

<3 Heather

Jo said...

Oh Kim. I have tears in my eyes. I wonder if I too have food issues. I tell myself that this weight isn't bad. It's not the heaviest I've been...but I too run for food at every opportunity.

You are not alone.

Much love.

Megan@TrueDaughter said...

Wow, you just bared MY soul. This is me...exactly. It is scary, isn't it? Now pregnant with twins, I find it all that much more frightening.

Food is a hard one, it is a relationship - for sure. It fuels us, keeps us alive. At the same time, it can be slowly killing us.

If I were to have any advice to give, I would say start with cutting out as much sugar as you can. Best first step. Healthiest first step. Sugar is addictive. Sugar is actually poison. What it does to your blood sugar/ body is amazing.
Start small, and just cut out actual sugar - work your way up to the whole carb thing. Then, when you are ready, cut out the white stuff. White sugar, white pasta, white bread (you are already gluten free, right? - this might be easier for you than some), white potatoes, white rice. Switch to brown. After a week, you don't really notice that much anymore, and you are SO much better off. Just start with small changes, and you will start to feel really good. It is amazing what getting rid of the sugar can do for you!

Thank you for this post, it gave me energy this morning to continue to fight for my health, and the health of my two little unborn babies. (Why am I so willing to do this for them, when I don't do it for myself - another question for another day.)
If you would like some recipes for some sugar free yummy treats that I use to keep myself same (chocolate and sugar addict!), email me and I would be happy to share!

Michelle G said...

somehow I always knew if I started something (like smoking cigarettes or doing drugs) I'd become addicted to it. As a small girl (many years ago) my mom would tell me - don't ever become fat! People will say "she's so pretty she has beautiful eyes too bad she's fat" I now imagine people saying that all the time. I know that by saying "I could give it up anytime I want to" but dont...much like my drug-addicted brother...that it IS an addiction. sigh.

Cheri said...

I hear you loud and clear sweetie-wish I had done so many things differently as a mom and that is #1 on my list-not to have rewarded, consoled or deprived my children with food-I used it as a tool and that was wrong and I am sorry. You are in my prayers every day. You can do this!!

Ivey League Mama said...

So, so true for so many of us. I've certainly not mastered it, but I'm trying. The best thing I did for me (and the kids) is get rid of the junk food in the house. We still occasionally go out and get a treat - usually once a week - but if it's not in the house, we don't eat it. *And* our "treat time" is a fun family event that everyone looks forward to. Double win! It's hard, but you can do it!

kimsueellen said...

Your words are strong. They were my words a year ago. They are still my words. I am down 35lbs and I have 35 more to go. I am stuck and it hurts and I just want to eat through it also. Hugs dear Kim. I will help you on this journey in any way possible. You can do it! <3 you.

~Tahirih~ said...


That is not a fun place to be. I had a really messed up relationship with food that sounds a lot like the EDNOS dx that Heather got. I have worked through many of those issues, but they still rear their ugly head from time to time. I had to do some really long, hard, and difficult looking into myself to figure out why I was eating the way I was... what I was seeking from food that was missing in real life. For me it was control- I felt very stuck, that I was disliked for who I was and since I couldn't change THAT, I tried to make myself thinner, as if that would magically make people like me. (and when it didn't I would binge) It was also a self-esteem issue, I hated myself on a certain level, and would sabotage myself, make my body feel the pain that my mind felt. I would eat until it hurt, vomit until it hurt, or starve until it hurt. But that never hurt more than the lack of love for myself and my body. I had to learn to love and accept myself, and when I finally had a good relationship with ME, my relationship to food got much easier.

Best wishes.

Tom and Juli said...

I have always loved sweets so much! I can't get enough of them!

What I do is make myself a deal: if I can work out 5 days a week, and not eat any sweets on weekdays, then I can have some on the weekends. I'm not a fan of giving up on any kind of food completely, I feel like I just get frustrated and discouraged when I do that... so a compromise works best for me. I find that I can manage my weight pretty well that way. Win-win! :)


~Mendie~ said...

I have found myself turning to sweets, in particular double stuffed oreos since I've been back to work. I thought its only been 2 months since you had a baby, its ok. Give yourself three months. Now its been three months and I can easily say just give yourself six months, you need to get used to this demanding new schedule....but then what? six months can turn into 9 then a year has gone by with me slowly inching up the scale still in maternity pants.

i'm glad i'm not alone in this battle/fear...but i wish neither of us were here. hang in there friend!

Galit Breen said...

I relate to this. At my very core, I do. Just know that you're not alone in ANY way and that when you're ready, you'll figure out this relationship with food that so many people struggle with.

Heather EO said...

I get it. I love you and I want you to remember this: progress, not perfection.


e-e baby said...

I've always been an emotional eater -- what woman hasn't?? But never more so than I have since becoming a mom. Being a parent is A HARD JOB, and in this country, it is one we get no credit for other than occasional pats on the back from friends. No wonder we drink and eat our stress and frustration away! I do both!

Give yourself a break, as soon as you can, if you can try. And do try changing the self-talk you have about food. You don't need to hide anything (we are all on this nudist beach together! Jeremy does it too!)

But can you find a way to talk about food+you differently? Positively! The negative begets the emotional which begets the eating. Natch.

I salute you. Find a support group or a knitting group and everytime you do something great in the arena of eating, shout it out loud!

you are beautiful and you are working hard. Don't forget that.

Tauni said...

Been there, done that - had surgery to HELP (not fix) it.

Now I have to watch what I eat. I am currently up almost 18 lbs from my lowest weigh and definitely 12 lbs higher than my "comfortable" weight.

Tonight, I made chocolate peanut butter cookies after complaining to my hubby that I was too fat and needed to get my food in check.

I have had HORRIBLE anxiety lately and when it gets really bad - I eat :(

Back to my square one. Back to everything that goes in must be accounted for. One of my FAVORITE ways to help is www.myfitnesspal.com It is completely FREE and it is an amazing tool to have with you to help you track what you are eating and what your calories are left for the day. In the end it is just calorie counting; however, it is easier because you enter in the food and the portion you ate and it calculates it for you! You can even do it from your phone!!! It has restaurants and fast food as well as favorite homemade dishes (you can also input your favorite food recipes and have it help calculate the calories so you know). One of the best tools!

In the end - weight loss comes down to consuming less than you burn. Controlling the food intake is the first huge leap into the world of weight loss. I know your struggles and my heart breaks. It isn't easy. It is however nice to know that after several days of being good, those cookies suddenly don't look as appealing! Hang in there and I am sorry!!

Elaine A. said...

One day at a time my friend. I've struggled so hard too, so I totally understand. I love you and know you can do anything you set your mind to... I'm her if you need. xoxo

Adventures In Babywearing said...

Oh my goodness Kim you've written what a LOT of us think and feel 24/7. You are definitely not alone.


Jana said...

I know exactly what you mean. You are so brave to actually voice it! I always tell myself someday I will have the strength to do to something about it, someday I will have the motivation and self control but honestly can't imagine when I will?

LutherLiz said...

I am so there. Daily there. Moment by moment, I am there. But you and I are not alone, and we can do it. Somehow. (If you figure it out let me know!)