Redemption

On Monday I completely lost it.  I melted down.  I was a weeping, sobbing, yelling, cursing mess.  It was because I lost my keys.

Ok, not entirely because I lost my keys.

This tends to happen to me every so often.  I get so stressed out and just bottle everything up.  I pretend like everything is fine and then I just explode because there is no place to bottle it up anymore.

Seth has been fighting with me when it's time for school.  My Mom was visiting and, while I know she's not judging me, I felt like I was on display for the terrible homeschool Mom that I feel like I am.

I was stressed about helping him learn about ancient Egypt and subtraction and language and trying to keep the girls occupied and out of the way so he doesn't get distracted, and trying to be everything to everyone.

Finally, we were done with school.  I was exhausted and ready for a break.  We were going to go to the store.  Not a huge outing, but an outing none the less.

I couldn't find my keys.

They were no where to be found.

My frustration over the lost keys was compounded by the fact that we are still living out of boxes and there were boxes everywhere and kids toys scattered and books, and I couldn't walk two feet without my jeans I was wearing giving me a wedgie and tripping over a lego or sword or barbie.

I lost it.

I took away every single toy I could find.

All 3 kids were screaming and crying.

I huffed and puffed up the stairs and dropped it all in my closet to the chorus of, "No Mommy!!  NO!!!"

Then I changed into my yoga pants.

I sat down and started to sob.

I am tired.  I am pregnant (did you know that??) and I am overwhelmed with life.

It was one of the worst parenting moments of my life.  I did not hit anyone (I don't do that), but I was not nice.  I yelled, I screamed, I cried.

Then, I hugged each of them and told them they could earn back their toys if they cleaned their rooms.  We all started to calm down.

They went outside to play.  I sat down to calm myself.

My keys were found.

We went to the store and my Mom bought the kids new books.

I got some new items for homeschool and we all decided that we would try harder tomorrow.

And, lucky for me, I got a tomorrow to try again.

Someone to Take Care of Her

We sat in a small room in the hospital trying desperately to digest the news that our baby was gone when the Social Worker came in, introduced herself and asked us "Where do you want to bury her?".

Huh? Bury her? What?

I had no clue.  I wanted to scream, "I don't want to bury her.  I want to take her home and have my life back!!"  But, even in that very illogical state, I knew it wasn't an option.

What about cremation?  No, I couldn't bear the thought of her little body being burned.  Her body that was so perfect, I couldn't think about it.

I looked at Jeremy, "Kaysville?" I said.  "Yes" he replied.

We were living in Shawnee Mission, Kansas.  Jeremy had just finished his undergraduate degree at The University of Kansas, and hadn't found a job yet.  We had no idea where in the country we would end up, but my folks, sister, and 2 brothers all lived in Utah.  That is where Jeremy's folks are from and we knew there would always be someone there to take care of her.

Two weeks after Emma died we returned home.  It felt so familiar yet so strange.  It was so quiet, yet she was everywhere and no where at the same time.  I told Jeremy that I couldn't do it.  I couldn't stay there without her.

Two weeks later we found ourselves driving a Penske Truck with all of our belongings in it.  My Mom and Brother caravaning with us, we made our way across the plains and into the mountains of Utah.  My first stop was to see my girl, my baby, my Emma.

Emma's first Halloween

Introducing Seth to his big sister

Since that day, I have visited her thousands of times.  I have changed her flowers, wiped clean her picture and headstone, brought my babies there to "meet" their sister, and taken care of her the only way I can.

Now I am facing the reality that I will not get to do this anymore.  We are moving 1400 miles away.  I can't drive up here for her Angel Day and her Birthday anymore.  I can't go wipe her picture clean after the mowers have been there.  I can't make sure that I take her flowers down at Spring Cleanup so they don't throw everything away.

After December 15th this year, I won't be able to do anything for her anymore.

I knew this was a possibility when she died.  I knew it was a possibility when Jeremy finished Graduate school and we were possibly moving to Indiana.  But when he got a job in Utah I was relieved.  I wouldn't have to leave her behind.

We received a 7 year grace period.  7 years to be near her, to have all of our children in 1 State.  7 years...

I woke up early this morning and realized that I had to leave her.  That this birthday is my last one with my baby.  Who would take care of her?  I thought of my sisters, they are all so busy, I am sure they would forget.  No one loves her as much as I do.  No one else will take the time to remember all the important dates.

In tears, I sent out a plea today to my sisters.  Who will take care of her?  Who will love her?  Who will make sure that she isn't forgotten?

Almost immediately after sending the email, my sister Cristin replied telling me that she and my niece would be happy to do it and I could stop worrying.

I am so grateful that I have people who not only love me, but love my baby and will take care of her while I am gone.

I am so grateful that God gave me a family full of people who love me and will help with whatever is needed.  I am so very blessed.

Tender mercies indeed.

 

* I just want to add that although my other 2 sisters didn't respond to the email as quickly as Cristin, I know that they too would have taken care of her.  I have an amazing family and I am sure they will all be pitching in.

Tender Mercies

"I need to freeze my gym membership.  My husband lost his job and I just can't afford it right now"

"Ok, it will cost $20 to freeze and then when you unfreeze it you will be at whatever the current rate is".

"oh. ok. i guess i'll just cancel it then. i don't have $20 right now. and if i can't keep my same rate, then it's not worth it to freeze".

"Ok, let me go get the Manager"

"You want to cancel? Why, you've been doing so good!"

"I know, my husband lost his job and I can't afford an extra $20 right now and if I am going to lose my great rate then I may as well just cancel my membership"

"Sometimes we make exeptions.  Let me talk to the gym Owner and call you later, ok?"

"Ok. Thanks".

Later.....

"Hello?"

"Hi Kim, it's ______ from the Gym"

"Oh, hi."

"I spoke with the owner and we decided to go ahead and freeze your  membership, but we want you to still come in.  It is really important you don't stop exercising, so come in and you won't be charged anything."

"Seriously??  Oh my gosh, thank you so much."

"No problem.  See you soon."
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It's not a job for Jeremy, it is not even money in our pockets, but it is big - to me.  It is the ability to continue working on myself.  It is Tender Mercies of the Lord.  He knows our struggles and helps provide a way when we really need it.  And I am oh so grateful.

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Piper shared this video and it really touched me.  The little girl reminds me so much of my Amelia and the words to the song...just beautiful.  Oh how I love Mindy Gledhill.  As soon as I have extra cash, I am buying this CD.  I bet you will want to also.

Picture Week

Yesterday a dear friend called and asked if I could watch her kids this week.  She was willing to pay me what they were planning on paying the daycare.  It was exactly the amount of money Jeremy and I needed to finish funding our trip to New York.  Talk about tender mercies huh?

So, since I won't have time to sit down and blog with a 6, 4, 3, 2 and 1 year old in the house, I am declaring this Picture Week!!!

I have had so many photos lately that I have taken and just haven't had the time to post here.  So, now you will get to see some of my favorites.

Will you join me?  I would love to see lots of photos of what you've been doing this summer.