Thursday, October 21, 2010

Someone to Take Care of Her

We sat in a small room in the hospital trying desperately to digest the news that our baby was gone when the Social Worker came in, introduced herself and asked us "Where do you want to bury her?".

Huh? Bury her? What?

I had no clue.  I wanted to scream, "I don't want to bury her.  I want to take her home and have my life back!!"  But, even in that very illogical state, I knew it wasn't an option.

What about cremation?  No, I couldn't bear the thought of her little body being burned.  Her body that was so perfect, I couldn't think about it.

I looked at Jeremy, "Kaysville?" I said.  "Yes" he replied.

We were living in Shawnee Mission, Kansas.  Jeremy had just finished his undergraduate degree at The University of Kansas, and hadn't found a job yet.  We had no idea where in the country we would end up, but my folks, sister, and 2 brothers all lived in Utah.  That is where Jeremy's folks are from and we knew there would always be someone there to take care of her.

Two weeks after Emma died we returned home.  It felt so familiar yet so strange.  It was so quiet, yet she was everywhere and no where at the same time.  I told Jeremy that I couldn't do it.  I couldn't stay there without her.

Two weeks later we found ourselves driving a Penske Truck with all of our belongings in it.  My Mom and Brother caravaning with us, we made our way across the plains and into the mountains of Utah.  My first stop was to see my girl, my baby, my Emma.

Emma's first Halloween
Introducing Seth to his big sister
Since that day, I have visited her thousands of times.  I have changed her flowers, wiped clean her picture and headstone, brought my babies there to "meet" their sister, and taken care of her the only way I can.

Now I am facing the reality that I will not get to do this anymore.  We are moving 1400 miles away.  I can't drive up here for her Angel Day and her Birthday anymore.  I can't go wipe her picture clean after the mowers have been there.  I can't make sure that I take her flowers down at Spring Cleanup so they don't throw everything away.

After December 15th this year, I won't be able to do anything for her anymore.

I knew this was a possibility when she died.  I knew it was a possibility when Jeremy finished Graduate school and we were possibly moving to Indiana.  But when he got a job in Utah I was relieved.  I wouldn't have to leave her behind.

We received a 7 year grace period.  7 years to be near her, to have all of our children in 1 State.  7 years...

I woke up early this morning and realized that I had to leave her.  That this birthday is my last one with my baby.  Who would take care of her?  I thought of my sisters, they are all so busy, I am sure they would forget.  No one loves her as much as I do.  No one else will take the time to remember all the important dates.

In tears, I sent out a plea today to my sisters.  Who will take care of her?  Who will love her?  Who will make sure that she isn't forgotten?

Almost immediately after sending the email, my sister Cristin replied telling me that she and my niece would be happy to do it and I could stop worrying.

I am so grateful that I have people who not only love me, but love my baby and will take care of her while I am gone.

I am so grateful that God gave me a family full of people who love me and will help with whatever is needed.  I am so very blessed.

Tender mercies indeed.

* I just want to add that although my other 2 sisters didn't respond to the email as quickly as Cristin, I know that they too would have taken care of her.  I have an amazing family and I am sure they will all be pitching in.

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