Thursday, March 17, 2011

Time to Stop Running.

Amelia and Libby were asleep and I was having some alone time with Seth.  We talked about him starting school next week and what he was most excited about, and most nervous about.  He is most excited about lunch and recess.  Those are his favorites.  He is most nervous about being the new kid and having everyone stare at him.  Me too.

I hated being the new kid.  We moved the summer before my 6th grade year, and when I was in 10th grade.  It was not easy either time.  And, both times I was scared out of my mind that first day of school.  I remember that uncomfortable feeling as people are trying to figure you out, where you fit, and if they want to be your friend.

I hated lunch both times. Who do I sit with? I don't know anyone and don't have friends yet. It was so awkward and uncomfortable.

I want to shield him and protect him from that.  And I have for 2 months.  I can't anymore and it is killing me.

During our conversation he let me know that I am "on the computer way too much".  So, I am making a conscious effort to scale way back.  I will check my email and blogs during breakfast and lunch and again after the kids are in bed.  But that is it, starting today.  I am their Mom first and foremost, I need to remember that.

******

I am really having a hard time being the new kid here.  I completely broke down to Jeremy because I don't know what I will do with these kids when I have the baby.

If this labor and delivery are like my others, it will happen in the middle of the night.  That really is great except...Libby doesn't sleep all night.  In fact, some nights, she wakes up crying and screaming several times.  What will we do then?  I need Jeremy when I am in labor, I am selfish and can't have him running off to help her every 30 minutes.

Also, even if everyone sleeps all night, we won't and we will be exhausted the next day.  But, the kids will still need to eat and play and want to do things that involve parents who are awake.

It is really hard not having my support system here this time.

I know that we will do what we have to do....but I am scared.

I really wonder what the Lord was thinking when Jeremy lost his job 2 days after I found out I was pregnant.  We felt so certain that now was the time to have another baby.  I wasn't ready physically, but I am not one to ignore the promptings of the Holy Ghost when they are that strong.  And because I know that God has sent this baby to us at this time, in this place, I am sure everything will be ok.

But...I am also human, and very pregnant and feeling very alone.  So I doubt and I wonder and I cry. A lot.

******

These are the things that weigh heavily on my mind and drive me to eat Oreo's at 11:15 pm.  These are the things that keep me awake at night and keep me from relaxing and thinking good positive thoughts about the impending birth of this child.

These are the thoughts that swirl around and around and around in my head.

These are the reasons I use the internet as my form of escapism...all too often.

It is time I stop hiding, stop escaping and stop running.  It is time I start figuring out how to deal with these feelings.  Because Seth is starting school next week whether I am ready for him to or not.  And, this baby is coming in about 6 weeks whether I have worked through my feelings of anxiety or not.

So, here I go, into the depths of my soul to try to gain some peace.  Your prayers, thoughts, and light are much appreciated right now.  I really need it.

14 comments:

Linn said...

I love you Kim. You are being prayed for my friend and because our Heavenly Father knew you needed this baby right now, He will also make everything else work out. I promise.

"Be still and know that I am God." (I have to remind myself of this way too often. You are not alone sweet friend.)

Pocklock said...

Sending you love and hugs. How I wish I could escape my own life for a bit and jump on a plane and help you. Isn't it strange that we all feel that need every now and then?

You will be okay. You're right in that God sent you this baby. Now. And you are strong enough to make it through the hardest part.

Lots of love.
xo

Thinktink said...

Well I think you're a super hero - moving to a new place, being a stay at home mom, preparing for another baby, etc.
I'd love to come meet you sooner than later, especially so I can meet your kiddos. I'm quite serious that if you need help with them during labor and delivery you can call me anytime - day or night.

Kristen {RAGE against the MINIVAN} said...

(((hugs)))

Kylee said...

I felt sort of the same way 6 years ago when I had my twins. But looking back now, it makes sense. Praying for you and your family.

Christina said...

I know that i do not know you all that well.
I just read your post and the fact that you are worried means you are doing the right thing.

Best of luck to you and your family.
You will be just fine and look back in a couple of yrs and smile :)

Kirsten said...

Hang in there, girl. As you said, you will take whatever is to happen. But you've got the prayers for the strength you will need throughout the process. ((hugs))

heather of the eo said...

I love you, my friend.
Please call me anytime. I know what this is like. Not all of it, of course, but...parts. And I'd love to be there for you. I wish I could come right over. I really do.
xoxo

Tender Heart Bear said...

I have had the same problem with my youngest daughter starting a new school. This is her last year of high school and I moved down with my boyfriend and she didn't like that. She also has real low self esteem about herself and that didn't help me any with her starting a new school. But we worked through this and did it together.

We are here to help you through what ever you need to talk about on here. Being pregnant with my last child I felt alone too. My ex husband didn't help me with any of the kids. He went to work and then sat in front of the t.v. the rest of the time. I know how you feel about being alone. I am here for you to help you through this.

Megan@TrueDaughter said...

I know what you mean about family support. I wish there were something I could do for you, I know how important that is. Are you part of a church yet? Maybe try reaching out to the ladies there?
Any that baby? You are so right to do what the Holy Spirit moves you to do - He'll make sure you have what you need. God Bless you - be brave! Love from Ohio -

Mommy Mo said...

Oh Kimmy, Kimmy, Kimmy. I feel for you, I really do. If it is at all possible, then I will help with your kids during L&D. I know I won't have a place to take them to, but I can come over to your house, load them up with my kids and take them to the park for a few hours. Or whatever. It will work out, you just have to trust that it will....and it will. Maybe not the way you want or envision or hope for, but it will. Promise.

It really sucks that my life has exploded so exponentially these last few weeks, just when you need someone most. While I can't be everything you need right now, I can be your friend.

Morgan -Ing said...

I don't know your financial situation at all, but may I suggest finding a doula? I know people usually think of doulas for birth, but a post-partum doula who is willing to be "on call" and come as soon as you need her might be a good option. You might be able to find one who'd come before the birth to get to know your children and then come during the birth so if she can help Libby if she wakes.

I've been in your shoes. I had a baby in Vegas when we knew NO ONE and I prayed and prayed. I went into labor at 1am, baby was out by 5am, and the kids slept all night. It was a miracle. Seriously.

I hope you can find someone to help!

Beth said...

Awwww....*HUGS*

I hate that you're feeling this way, but totally get why you do. I can't imagine moving mid-pregnancy, with little time before baby comes to test your surroundings and meet new people to form a support group for yourself. I'm sure there are others nearby who need a friend, but how to find them when you have so much going on? I'll keep you in my prayers that you have some good, unexpected "stuff" come your way soon to help ease your anxieties. You know you'll be okay...but those pre-baby panic moments aren't fun, are they? Been there and done that 4 times and everything worked out fine. It will for you, too. I KNOW it! ;)

BTW...I thought of you yesterday while shopping at Kohl's. Saw some of those vinyl wall clings...they were the cutest little owls (tree included)! Reminded me of the adorable car seat you recovered and I thought how much I'd love to send them to you. But then realized you might not be decorating baby's room in owls so thought twice! And, I thought you might think I'm strange. Oh yeah, AND I have no idea what your address is! Anyway...maybe it was God's way of putting you in my thoughts so I could say a prayer for you and your family during this transitional period you're going through... ;)

Tauni said...

I read this and cried. I wish I had some of your trials but feel so sorry you are having to go through them.

I would love to have the adventure to move back to the mid-west all pregnant...although I know I would MAKE my mom and sisters come out to help whether they could or wanted to or not...so that is different!

This last week my family was ALL out of town. I was hospitalized and they thought it was leukemia or lymphoma. HORRIBLE time that ended beautifully but was WAY HARD. I physically could not be there for my kids, I didn't know who would. I think I understand just a taste of what you are feeling and I am sorry! Maybe I can figure out a way to fly Loralee out to you ;)