Amelia and Libby were asleep and I was having some alone time with Seth. We talked about him starting school next week and what he was most excited about, and most nervous about. He is most excited about lunch and recess. Those are his favorites. He is most nervous about being the new kid and having everyone stare at him. Me too.
I hated being the new kid. We moved the summer before my 6th grade year, and when I was in 10th grade. It was not easy either time. And, both times I was scared out of my mind that first day of school. I remember that uncomfortable feeling as people are trying to figure you out, where you fit, and if they want to be your friend.
I hated lunch both times. Who do I sit with? I don't know anyone and don't have friends yet. It was so awkward and uncomfortable.
I want to shield him and protect him from that. And I have for 2 months. I can't anymore and it is killing me.
During our conversation he let me know that I am "on the computer way too much". So, I am making a conscious effort to scale way back. I will check my email and blogs during breakfast and lunch and again after the kids are in bed. But that is it, starting today. I am their Mom first and foremost, I need to remember that.
I am really having a hard time being the new kid here. I completely broke down to Jeremy because I don't know what I will do with these kids when I have the baby.
If this labor and delivery are like my others, it will happen in the middle of the night. That really is great except...Libby doesn't sleep all night. In fact, some nights, she wakes up crying and screaming several times. What will we do then? I need Jeremy when I am in labor, I am selfish and can't have him running off to help her every 30 minutes.
Also, even if everyone sleeps all night, we won't and we will be exhausted the next day. But, the kids will still need to eat and play and want to do things that involve parents who are awake.
It is really hard not having my support system here this time.
I know that we will do what we have to do....but I am scared.
I really wonder what the Lord was thinking when Jeremy lost his job 2 days after I found out I was pregnant. We felt so certain that now was the time to have another baby. I wasn't ready physically, but I am not one to ignore the promptings of the Holy Ghost when they are that strong. And because I know that God has sent this baby to us at this time, in this place, I am sure everything will be ok.
But...I am also human, and very pregnant and feeling very alone. So I doubt and I wonder and I cry. A lot.
These are the things that weigh heavily on my mind and drive me to eat Oreo's at 11:15 pm. These are the things that keep me awake at night and keep me from relaxing and thinking good positive thoughts about the impending birth of this child.
These are the thoughts that swirl around and around and around in my head.
These are the reasons I use the internet as my form of escapism...all too often.
It is time I stop hiding, stop escaping and stop running. It is time I start figuring out how to deal with these feelings. Because Seth is starting school next week whether I am ready for him to or not. And, this baby is coming in about 6 weeks whether I have worked through my feelings of anxiety or not.
So, here I go, into the depths of my soul to try to gain some peace. Your prayers, thoughts, and light are much appreciated right now. I really need it.