Just a Scratch

For as long as I can remember, I've had this...thing on my eyelid.

It made it VERY difficult to have even eyeliner in Jr. High.  And I couldn't NOT wear eyeliner cause all the other girls were doing it and if I wanted the boys to think I was cute I had to look like everyone else, right?? 

Anyhoo, I digress.

It has been there for as long as I can remember.  My Mom said it showed up when I was about 2 and every doctor she asked about it told her it was a mole.

Well, this "mole" has been getting bigger.  And, had a baby "mole" growing on it.  So, I went to see a dermatologist.

She said something about possible skin cancer and sent me to see an Oculoplastic Surgeon.  Did you know those existed?  Me either.

He examined it, said a lot of mmhmm's and uh-huhs then gave me the diagnosis.  It is a papiloma.  Anywhere else on my body and they'd call it a wart.

Oh my gross.  I have a HUGE wart cluster on my eyelid and it has been there for 32 years!!!!!!!!!

It is growing, so they are chopping it off.  Today.  Maybe even as you read this.

The doc gave me a handout with pictures of what he is going to do, but I couldn't find it, so you get this.  My own drawing.

First, he will cut a hole in my eyelid and remove the offender.

 

then cut my lid open to allow more skin to be brought over to close the gaping hole in my eyelid

 

stitch it up and i'm as good as new.

So, I'll get a local just below my lower lid and some Valium.  I will be awake the whole time he is cutting a hole in my eyelid. Oh, but he assures me my eyes will be closed.  Uh, yeah, I'm not opening my eyes to see a scalpel coming right at me.  EEK!

Just wish I could get him to wax my eyebrows while I'm in there.  Now that is a scary sight.

5 Months

Each of my babies has hit this age.  They all look so much alike and yet so different.  

Today my Elliott is 5 months old. 

5 months of snuggles and kisses.  

5 months of no sleep and nursing marathons.  

5 months of figuring him out and being perpetually perplexed. 

5 months of love.

I love this boy ohsomuch.

Me Time

Is there really such thing as Me Time when you have small children?  I don't think so, at least not in the way that it once was.

When I was single and newly married (i.e. before I got pregnant!), "me time" consisted of going for a pedicure, out to lunch or dinner, going to a movie, hanging out with my friends or just doing something by myself - whatever I wanted.

The big kids have been dressed, fed, combed, kissed and sent out the door to school.  The T.V. is playing Sesame Street for Libby and Elliott is hanging out in his bouncy seat, happy as a clam.

I have a bit of quiet, so I sneak to the computer, sit down with my green smoothie in hand, and start to process what I've been feeling.

What do I want to write about?  What has been weighing on my heart and mind recently.  I start to write, then see that I have a new message in my inbox, so I go check it.  Then I remember I needed to check my editorial calendar to see what else I need to get written and for whom.  Ooh, another email, this time telling me about a great sale on fabric.  I need some new skirts, something that fits me and will keep me cool and looking chic in this unrelenting hot weather.  I click the link, go drool over fabric, then come back to write more.

And just as quickly as it comes, my "me time" is gone.  Libby is asking for a vitamin, I give it to her.  Then I sit again and she is moving my chair and wants something to eat, wants a kiss on her finger, wants my attention.

Now my children want "Me Time" too.  They win.

Forget Me Not

Last night I had the opportunity to attend the General Relief Society Meeting for my Church.  While all the talks were fabulous and uplifting, these words spoke to my heart.

Regardless of what religion you are, please watch this.  These words give me comfort and peace. I need to listen to them again and again and again, and know that someone here needs to hear them today.

Play is the Childs Work

She is a puppy and licks my arm.  He is Harry Potter and speaks in his English accent whenever he can.  She is a Princess and draws out her stories every chance she gets.

My kids have great imaginations.  They live in their imaginations and play make believe every chance they get.

They are best friends.  They have inside jokes, secret languages, and games where only they know the rules.

 

 They laugh, they cry, they fight, they make up.  They are never angry at each other for long.  They can't be.

They are each other's best playmates and play is what they do. I once heard that play is the child's work.

 We take that very seriously around these parts.  They live in their imaginations, and I am so glad. When they come home from school, we do homework and then PLAY.  There are no extra curricular activities to get in the way.  They have the whole world in front of them to explore.

Because someday, I won't be around and they will have only each other.  The memories they make while playing are what will help to form these relationships that last forever.

They play together, they play alone, we play as a family.  These are the moments that bond us like cement.  These are the moments that we will always remember. 

These are the moments that I know I will never forget.

This post is part of the GoGo Squeez and Story Bleed Day of Play Blog Carnival.  They are encouraging families to get out and play together this Saturday.  I am planning on it, are you?

I Love Pregnancy :: Million Moms Challenge

When I was a teenager, I knew that I would want drugs when I had a baby.  My favorite thing to say was, "God gave man the smarts to invent drugs for a reason.  Stick that needle in my back and give me relief!"

When I found myself pregnant with my first child however, I my tune was different.  My sister had two homebirths, and while I knew I would NEVER do that (never say never) she had really good experiences both times.  My sister-in-law had just had a baby two years earlier in a birth center, and I thought that was such a great alternative.

I had researched and knew exactly how I wanted birth to be.  I knew that I would have a natural, drug-free birth with a Certified Nurse Midwife in the hospital.  I knew my baby would be born gently, peacefully and would nurse right away.

Continue reading at ABC News.

To Be Surrounded with Beauty

I want to surround myself with beauty.

To dive into a picture and live in that house.  The one with the perfectly placed furniture, art on the walls, the impossibly clean kitchen...I want to bury myself in those couch pillows and drink hot cider while watching the rain pelt the window.

Photo Credit House of Turquoise

I want to surround myself with beauty.

To feel so close to Heaven that I could just reach out my hand and touch it.  To feel once again so close to God and be reminded this is all part of His plan.

I want to be better, to do better.

Today I surround myself with imperfections.  My imperfect, beautiful life.  The holes in the walls waiting to be patched, the LEGO's scattered to and fro, the papers love notes that have been drawn and written by my children littering every surface available.

The dirty floors, dirty dishes, laundry waiting to be folded, yelling children, yelling Mama.  Happy squeals, makeshift tree swings, sweaty stinky children playing.

I want to surround myself with beauty. And I do.

Linking up with Heather and her Just Write challenge.  Join us, won't you?

sneaky grief

grief is sneaky.

typically i am so busy that i don't have time to grieve. i don't have time to dwell. i don't have time to remember. it's not like it was in those first days, weeks, months and years. it's not like it was when there was just me and my very little son (both inutero and out). these days i go go go...i try to run hard enough that the grief can't sneak up on me. i go go go trying to outrun the grief, trying to get ahead of it. trying to outsmart it.

i like it this way. i like to stay busy so i don't have to think about the 3rd grader i don't get to pick up today.

emma's angel day was busy this year. i didn't cry. at all. i didn't have time.

it was the kids' first day of school, my friend michelle and i went to lunch, the kids came home, we skyped with my folks in the philippines, jeremy's sister and her kids came from kansas. it was insane.

i felt guilty about not crying the next day and the next and the next.

but you know what? i don't think emma cares if i cry or not. i don't think she thinks i love her any less and i know she wouldn't want me to abandon all else that needed to be done just because it was the day she died.

but then, just when i say it's ok that i didn't cry, i see a picture of someone from my past. someone with a child a few weeks younger than emma. someone whose child got to live and grow up. and then it hits. and it is unfair and it hurts. i get mad, i get jealous, i lash out at everyone around me, i eat and then i surrender and i cry.

it has happened so many times. a song, an outfit i think she would have looked cute in, a smell, a picture, a thought. something so simple can bring me to my knees and extract sobs from the deepest part of my soul.

when my soul becomes as parched as the texas desert, grief comes and is a rain storm for my heart. it cleans, refreshes, renews. it knows what i need before i do.

i feel it coming. i am harder on my kids, on myself, on others around me. i snap more. i eat more. i am more easily frustrated. i know this cycle. i know what to expect. i can feel it coming so i run harder trying to escape it. and just when i think i have...

i will break down.

like i said, grief is sneaky. it gets me every time.

Work Work Work.

I don't believe in allowance.

I used to, but don't anymore.  A couple years ago we started giving our children allowance of 10 cents per year of age (5 = 50 cents).  It was working great...for a while.  But we found that when our children didn't have to do anything to get that money, they became really demanding.  They started to have the attitude that we owed them money just for them being in our family.

Yeah, that's not okay.

So, Jeremy and I got rid of allowance.  No longer do you get paid just for gracing us with your presence dear children!  I have to work for my money, so why shouldn't they?

This weekend, we instituted the Job Jar.  This magnificent little jar has stopped the "give me money" syndrome that was taking over our house. The children love going and picking a color and a job and then getting to work!

Here are the rules - you can not earn more than $3.00 a week.  You can not earn any money from the Job Jar until your chores that you have to do are done.  Once a chore is done, that stick is taken from the job jar until Mom needs it done again.

The jobs are broken into payment categories.  Orange is the easiest and therefore worth the least amount (10 cents).  Blue is the hardest and worth the most (50 cents).

Our children have to put 10% of their earnings into savings and 10% to charity.  We want them to learn not only to work hard for their money, but to be smart with it and give to others.


My hope is that this is something we can do for as long as our children are in the house.  I want to inspire them to do their best and to give them opportunities to earn money by working hard.

Do you do allowance in your house?  If not, what do you do when your kids want money? How do you inspire your children to work and do a good job?


This post is part of the Hallmark Life is a Special Occasion Campaign.  I am lucky enough to be blogging for Hallmark the rest of this year about different topics.  This month's theme is inspiration, and I want to know how you inspire your kids to work hard!
Be sure to head over to Hallmark's site and sign up for their newsletters. Who knows, I might even pop up in one of the newsletters!  Also, at the bottom of the page, you can see all the Hallmark Bloggers and read what everyone has to say.  It is truly inspiring reading!
While I am compensated to write this post, as always the words are all mine and can not be bought.

DIY Dollhouse

A certain little someone had a birthday last week.  I know, you had no idea, did you? ;)

We are pretty frugal around these parts, and birthdays are not a big present day.  I like to make things for my kids for their big days whenever I can and this year was no different.

Libby has a family she loves to play with.  It is a Mom, Dad, baby and sister.  Her barbies and other dolls become part of the family often also.  This poor family was living in the barn with the animals.  I decided that is no way to live, so we did something about it.

Yep, it's as easy as it looks.  All we used was a 3 shelf bookshelf and I put some fun scrapbook paper on each of the "floors".  I had some wall vinyls from a project I did for the girls' room in Logan, so I used that for the upstairs room.  Jeremy didn't have time to make a real roof, so this cardboard one will work for now :)  She loves it so so so much.  And I am so so so glad.

 

**Update** The furniture is here!!!  The family now has a place to cook, lounge, and sleep.  I got Ryan's Room Toys from Amazon and we LOVE them.  The quality and detail are amazing.  I highly recommend this furniture and think we will be buying a bathroom to go in the attic ;)

What do you do for your kids' birthdays?  Do you like to make things for them?

Running Scared.

I had a bad day.  I eat.

I had a good day.  I eat.

I have friends or family visiting.  We eat.

You want to know what there is to do in my town?  I'll take you to my favorite places...to eat.

See a pattern here?  Me too.

I eat and I feel terrible after.  I eat cookies, brownies, coconut milk ice cream (YUM!), chocolate chips, nut balls (disguised as healthy, but I know they aren't), granola bars, pie, cupcakes...whatever I can get my hands on that contain sugar...and chocolate.

I have struggled with my weight for as long as I can remember.

I read her words this morning and with heavy heart, realize that my eating isn't much different than her drinking.

It consumes me.  What am I going to eat?  When am I going to eat?  Who am I going to eat with, or how can I hide it from Jeremy?

I know it's not healthy, but I don't know that I am strong enough to do what I need to to change it.

I justify in my brain that it's not like drinking, because you can avoid alcohol, you can't avoid food.

My friends say it's not healthy to deprive yourself of sugar.  Chocolate makes everything better.  You just had a baby, give yourself time.

Maybe if I could stop at one bite...but I'll eat the whole thing and still want more.

Bigger than I've ever been, more uncomfortable in my skin than I've ever been and I am scared.  I am scared of changing.  I am scared of making that commitment.

More than anything though, I am scared of failing. I am scared of failing...again.

I am linking up with my dear friend Heather, and her Just Write Challenge.  Join us, won't you?

Flee

How old are you?

Um, flee.  But Mama? This is not the best day ever. I do not want to be flee. I like being two.

Why baby?

Betuse 2's can have binkies still and I just want a binkie in my mouth.

Liberty Jane is Three

She is Three.

 

How is this possible?

When did this baby girl

fall in love with pink,

spaghetti,

cookies,

and clementines?

When did she 

learn how to spin,

dance,

sing,

and melt my heart?

Where has the time gone?

A few bits and bobs about my Liberty.

Her favorite song is "Hourglass" by Mindy Gledhill.  When she sings, "don't turn around and grow up way too fast" I think to myself that she is doing just that.
She LOOOVES her baby brother more than anything in the world and is such a fantastic big sister.
She would eat clementines and crackers all day long if I let her. (and sometimes I do)
She loves to play family (fa-mil-y) and it is the biggest treat in the world if you ask to play it with her.
Libby is my snuggle puppy. She loves to snuggle and so do I...so we're pretty good with that one.
However, with that sweetness comes SASS! She has an attitude as big as Texas...the apple doesn't fall far from the tree I guess!
She just had her first haircut ever, we cut off about 2 inches and it breaks my heart to see how long it was and how short it is now.
Libby has the most beautiful eyes.  Such a light color blue and the shape is like her Daddy's.  She is just a beauty.
She loves to swim, ride her bike, play any ball game (especially basketball which consists of throwing the basketball to me), and really anything else that her brother and sister do.
And when she is tired (which she frequently is since she wakes with the birds) she plays with her belly button and sucks her thumb.  This started when Elliott was born and she couldn't kiss her brother (my belly button) anymore.

Happy Birthday to my Liberty Jane.  You are an amazing little person and I can't wait to see who you become.

Make a video - it's fun, easy and free!
www.onetruemedia.com

When She's The Oldest at Home...

"Mama? Tan we go to Tat Holly Part? Please Mama?"

Normally my response would be "No baby, it's too hot today".  But today it was not.

We went to the park.  I pushed her on the Merry Go Round and in the swings.  She flew like Superman (or girl) and went down the slides "1 more time, otay Mama?" over and over and over.

And it was perfect.

Love for Arianne

There are people you meet in your life who you feel like you've known forever.  People who you meet online, then in real life and think, "haven't I always known you?"

I have a handful of these friends that I have met online.  One of them is throwing a virtual shower for another one!

Waiting for Wicked in New York.  Yep, I'm a hot sweaty mess. Aren't they gorgeous though?

Arianne is one of my favorite people in the world.  She and I have similar parenting styles, philosophies about life, and Angel daughters waiting for us up above.

Ari is pregnant and due any minute now.  I found out she was pregnant at Blissdom this year.  She pulled me aside and said with giddy anticipation, "I'm pregnant! but SHHHH don't tell anyone, ok? I'm only about 6 weeks".  I squealed and hugged her tight.  The babe in my womb jumped for joy.

I knew she would have an emotionally rough road.  Just 18 months ago she gave birth to her sweet Mabel Love.  Pregnancy + Grief = crazy emotions and lots of crying. LOTS OF CRYING.

But, I knew she could do it.  And she has.

Ari and Sara on our way to a NYC apartment where we sang  Newsies all night long.

So, to celebrate this amazing woman, who so many adore, our dear friend (and Ari's twin (not really, but OH MAN, you should SEE the two of them together. They really are twins)) Sara Sophia, has organized an amazing online baby shower!

 Sara Sophia has contacted some of the most amazing companies to give Arianne fabulous gifts.  And, those great companies are giving them to Sara Sophia's readers also!

But that is not all.  Even though free stuff is amazing, there is another aspect to this shower that I especially adore.  The writing.  Arianne and Sara Sophia are writers at heart.  Their words resonate with so many, and just flow off their fingertips.  They appreciate good writing, and not so great writing (like mine, ha!).

So, Sara Sophia has contacted many of Arianne's friends to have us write a little something for her.  My words come straight from my heart and my experience. I read them again and I cry every time because they are so so true.

Please join with me in showering Arianne with love as she prepares for the birth of her new beautiful baby. 

Small Style :: A Style Her Own

She has always had her own sense of style.  No matter what I said, did, or encouraged, as soon as she could talk, she knew what she wanted.

Her style has blossomed and changed through the years, but has always been so very adventurous.

Mixing accessories, patterns and colors in ways I never would have thought of.

The brighter the colors, the bolder the look, the more she liked it.

I never said no.  I never told her it didn't match, or it didn't look good.  I let her do it hoping that one day, her sense of style would really come into it's own.  

I think it has.

Last two photos:
Shirt - Target

Skirt - Target

Shoes - Target

Necklace - Allora Handmade

Sass - all hers :)

Linking up (a day late) with Mama Loves Papa Small Style.