{this moment}

Inspired by SouleMama, this is something new I am starting to do on Fridays. 

{this moment} - A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

Fall Fun

One of our favorite fall activities is going to the Pumpkin Walk near our home.  There is a theme every year and each scene reflects that theme.

It is so fun to go and see what people can come up with using pumpkins, squashes, gourds and other goods out of the garden!

This year, the Young Women I work with at Church made a scene.  They chose the Smurfs, which is funny since none of them have ever even seen it! (I KNOW!)

I think they did a great job though...

If you can't tell, Gargamel is in the back, and we have Brainy, Hefty (kind of leaning forward between Seth and Amelia), Azreal, Smurfette and Papa Smurf.  Oh, and we can't forget the mushroom house! 

The kids liked this scene...but it wasn't their favorite.

How can I compete with How to Train Your Dragon?  Yeah, I can't.

We had such a good time and will miss this tradition.  We're excited to see what kinds of traditions we will start in Austin!

I am positive if it includes pumpkins and cutouts in which to put your face....they will be as thrilled as can be!

Someone to Take Care of Her

We sat in a small room in the hospital trying desperately to digest the news that our baby was gone when the Social Worker came in, introduced herself and asked us "Where do you want to bury her?".

Huh? Bury her? What?

I had no clue.  I wanted to scream, "I don't want to bury her.  I want to take her home and have my life back!!"  But, even in that very illogical state, I knew it wasn't an option.

What about cremation?  No, I couldn't bear the thought of her little body being burned.  Her body that was so perfect, I couldn't think about it.

I looked at Jeremy, "Kaysville?" I said.  "Yes" he replied.

We were living in Shawnee Mission, Kansas.  Jeremy had just finished his undergraduate degree at The University of Kansas, and hadn't found a job yet.  We had no idea where in the country we would end up, but my folks, sister, and 2 brothers all lived in Utah.  That is where Jeremy's folks are from and we knew there would always be someone there to take care of her.

Two weeks after Emma died we returned home.  It felt so familiar yet so strange.  It was so quiet, yet she was everywhere and no where at the same time.  I told Jeremy that I couldn't do it.  I couldn't stay there without her.

Two weeks later we found ourselves driving a Penske Truck with all of our belongings in it.  My Mom and Brother caravaning with us, we made our way across the plains and into the mountains of Utah.  My first stop was to see my girl, my baby, my Emma.

Emma's first Halloween

Introducing Seth to his big sister

Since that day, I have visited her thousands of times.  I have changed her flowers, wiped clean her picture and headstone, brought my babies there to "meet" their sister, and taken care of her the only way I can.

Now I am facing the reality that I will not get to do this anymore.  We are moving 1400 miles away.  I can't drive up here for her Angel Day and her Birthday anymore.  I can't go wipe her picture clean after the mowers have been there.  I can't make sure that I take her flowers down at Spring Cleanup so they don't throw everything away.

After December 15th this year, I won't be able to do anything for her anymore.

I knew this was a possibility when she died.  I knew it was a possibility when Jeremy finished Graduate school and we were possibly moving to Indiana.  But when he got a job in Utah I was relieved.  I wouldn't have to leave her behind.

We received a 7 year grace period.  7 years to be near her, to have all of our children in 1 State.  7 years...

I woke up early this morning and realized that I had to leave her.  That this birthday is my last one with my baby.  Who would take care of her?  I thought of my sisters, they are all so busy, I am sure they would forget.  No one loves her as much as I do.  No one else will take the time to remember all the important dates.

In tears, I sent out a plea today to my sisters.  Who will take care of her?  Who will love her?  Who will make sure that she isn't forgotten?

Almost immediately after sending the email, my sister Cristin replied telling me that she and my niece would be happy to do it and I could stop worrying.

I am so grateful that I have people who not only love me, but love my baby and will take care of her while I am gone.

I am so grateful that God gave me a family full of people who love me and will help with whatever is needed.  I am so very blessed.

Tender mercies indeed.

 

* I just want to add that although my other 2 sisters didn't respond to the email as quickly as Cristin, I know that they too would have taken care of her.  I have an amazing family and I am sure they will all be pitching in.

My Home

Last summer, I wrote a post about home.  It has always been something I've struggled with, "Where are you from?".  This is something that I have to stop and think about.  I have lived in many different places and always lamented that I wasn't from anywhere.

I always wanted to live in the same town for all of my children's lives.  I wanted them to graduate from High School with the same people they went to Kindergarten with.  I wanted them to feel like they belonged to a community.  I wanted them to be from somewhere.

As we are anticipating our move my heart breaks a bit for my children.  They won't grow up with the same people that they have known their entire lives.  They won't have memories of just 1 house, but many houses.  They won't be from anywhere either.

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Nine years ago today I married my sweetheart.  I wore a beautiful dress, he wore a handsome suit, we promised forever and it was done.  We laughed, we celebrated, we loved.

He is my constant, he is my rock, he is my best friend, he is my everything.

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As I have been contemplating my feelings about this move, I have realized that really it doesn't matter where we live, as long as we are together.  My family is my home.  Wherever they are, I am home.

I hope to teach my children this so that they don't go through their lives feeling as if they don't belong because they will always belong in the most important place of all - H O M E.

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I love you Jeremy Dirk.  I would do it again in a heartbeat.  You are my favorite.  You are my home.

A New Adventure

Last weekend Jeremy, Libby and I made a jaunt to Austin, TX.  Jeremy had an interview on Monday and the company offered to bring me (and Libby!) out also.

We had such a great time.  I was shocked at the heat, even though Lisa kept telling me it really was cool (um, at 85??? I don't think so) and this was Fall!  I still think she is crazy, but getting to hang out with her crazy made the heat worth it.

We ate good food, looked at great houses and started to fall in love with the city.

It's a good thing we started to fall in love because Jeremy got the job.

We are moving to Texas right after Christmas.  I will tell my girls that just because we live in Texas doesn't mean they need to have big hair.  And Seth will not own any Wranglers (or the girls for that matter) either.  Some things just won't fly.

There will be no Fall.  No leaves changing colors, no piles to rake up and jump in, no crisp Autumn weather.  But that also means there will be no snow.  And for those of you who are new here...I loathe snow.  I have lived in the wrong place for not loving snow.  I will miss it on Christmas, but that is it!

So we are headed out on a new adventure.  I am going to miss this place that I have called home for the last 3 1/2 years.  This place where I have watched my children grow, Libby be born, and Seth start school.

Oh and speaking of school. *sigh*  Just the other day I was mercilessly mocking Loralee about her decision to homeschool.  Not that I have anything against homeschooling, I just know her and I know me and I know how difficult it would be for either of us.  Well....looks like I am going to be homeschooling, only for 1 semester*, but STILL.  Be careful what you say, you never know when it is going to come back and bite you in the bum.

So, that is what is going on.  In the next two weeks we are going to be working our rear ends off getting this house ready to put on the market.  Jeremy will leave right after Thanksgiving and the rest of us will follow a month later.  It still seems so surreal.  When we were in New York I never would have guessed that by Christmas our lives would have changed so much.

But, here we go.  I'll put my hand in Jer's and know that everything is going to be alright as long as we are together.

*in response to those who have asked and who will be wondering, I am homeschooling for one semester because we don't want to be rushed into buying a house, so we are going to rent.  My little man has been to two different schools already and I don't want for him to start 2nd grade in his 4th school since Kindergarten.  He has a hard enough time with change, so there we are.  Any ideas or resources you have to share for 1st grade curriculum would be greatly appreciated!!

Help for Another

When Emma died, I was very blessed to be surrounded by some amazing women.  They were not women I had ever met in person, but were like sisters to me.  They were my sisters on an about.com due date forum - the January 2003 Mommies.

These women were amazing and lifted me up through a very difficult time in my life.  They sent food, bracelets with Emma's name, monetary donations (enough that they paid for her headstone!), phone calls, cards, letters and prayers.

One thing I cherish to this day is a book they made for me.  They took every post, every comment, everything they could find about Emma and printed it off and put it together in a book for me.  It was  is so comforting to go back and read these words, the words of hope and peace and love from my sisters.

My dear friend Loralee has brought an awful situation to my attention.  There is another grieving Mama, her name is Jill.  She just buried her sweet son and now there are those on the internet who are attacking her.  They are attacking her decisions as a Mother and blaming her for the death of her child.

I have had people do that to me.  It is not fun and it hurts.  It makes me so angry to see another Mama who is going through unspeakable pain to have to defend her decisions to people she doesn't even know.

Loralee has started a Letters of Love campaign to show this Mama just how great the internet can be.  All you need to do is write Jill a note.  Let her know she is not alone, let her know she is loved, send her love through an email.  Loralee and Jill's friend, Kristine, will then print the emails off and bind them into a book for Jill. 

This small act of kindness can bring more love and light into Jill's life than you know.

I am closing comments on this post.  Instead of writing to me, go write to Jill.  Send your email to loraleechoate@gmail.com subject Letters of Love before Sunday evening.


I know I can count on each of you to show her the same love and support you have shown me.

Thank you each so much.

I never thought I'd say I am going to miss Utah but...

I'm really going to miss this.

 

 

To The Moon and Back

My boy and I were in desperate need of some alone time. This time of year, the Mountains beckon to us, and we can't deny their call.

We headed up to the Wind Caves, a popular hike in Logan Canyon.  This is a hike I have done many times, but never with my own child.  I loved watching him as he found a field mouse, as he realized how high we were getting, and just talking to him.

The cave from down below.

The Canyon put on quite a show with her beautiful colors and crisp Autumn air.  We were both in awe of the beauty.

When we reached the cave, I realized that I hadn't prepared him fully for this actual cave.  We had talked about how it wasn't dark so there would be no bats or bears.  We talked about how it had been formed, through years and years and years of the elements beating on it.  But I didn't prepare him sufficiently for this experience.

You see, the cave is quite steep and there is a drop off that if you lose your footing, you are down the side of the mountain.  I knew about this drop off and how slippery the rocks could be.  But I forgot to tell him.  Immediately after I took these pictures, he started to go to another part of the cave.  He lost his footing and went careening into a cave wall and hit straight on with his cute little nose.

I was grateful that the wall stopped him, but then he bounced off and as he was trying to get to me, fell on his stomach and started to slide toward the edge of the cave.  I know that the Lord was watching out for us that day and stopped my sweet little man.  He was scared and so was I.

After the initial shock had subsided, we decided to trek up to the top of the cave and sit and have some trail mix and juice boxes. 

We talked about how scared he was and how he blamed the Wind Caves for making him fall.  We talked about how scared I was.  We then decided to head home.  He was traumatized, and honestly, so was I.

We had a pretty uneventful walk down the mountain, with a few falls (him) and a few almost heart attacks (me) and made it home in one peace.

As I have been contemplating this experience over the last 24 or so hours, I have realized how truly blessed I am.  I am so grateful to the Lord for protecting my son and sparing his life.  I know had he fallen out of the cave, he would not be here and I would be writing a very different post today.

It is easy to see the hand of the Lord in our lives when it is something big like this.  And I will admit that I often don't recognize it in the small things.  But, I know that in every aspect of my life, He is there to help and protect me.

Just as I love my boy to the moon and back, God loves me even more.

And I am so glad.

Babywearing; I Promise It's Safe!

Oh my dear friends, you know I love to wear my babies, right?  I mean come on, I not only wear them but make slings and encourage everyone I know to wear their babes!

It makes me so sad when I see babywearing being attacked in the news.  It is tragic that some parents don't know how to safely wear their babies.  It breaks my heart that babies have died while being worn by their loving parents.

It really makes me crazy though that the CPSC is going after all babywearing devices.  We need to do something.

Steph, of Adventures in Babywearing, has declared this to be International Babywearing Month!  And since she is Adventures in Babywearing, I think she can do that :)

From the BCIA: "Truly, it [babywearing] does not require special skill. There is no "if done properly." We are working to ensure that babies are kept safe all the time, and babies in slings are safe. They are in the safest space besides a mother's arms.

"That said, we will continue to educated [sic] the public about best practice -- correct positioning, and also keeping the baby's face visible to mother or caregiver in the first three months of life."


Please join with us and the Baby Carrier Industry Alliance, and share your love of all things babywearing. 

We can make a difference, let's stand together and let the world know that not only is wearing your baby safe, but it is as natural as holding your baby in your arms.

Go over to Steph's site and leave a link to your post about babywearing.  Let the folks at BCIA know that you appreciate what they are doing.  And finally, keep on wearing those babes!

This and That

Things are looking up.  I can't give details yet, but a move might be on the horizon sooner than later, YAY! and boo :(

I am keeping busy sewing Halloween costumes for my kidlets.  Seth is going to be Hiccup Horrendous Haddock the Third from How to Train Your Dragon (the books, not the movie), Amelia is Dorothy and Libby will be Little Red Riding Hood.  Luckily that makes it one less costume I have to sew since Amelia wore that two years ago.

Oh she was SO small!!!

My good friend, Elaine, is been hosting some great giveaways on her blog for her daughter's 1st birthday.  I donated a dress to the giveaway, so you should go check it out today!!!

The leaves are changing colors in my Mountains, so we are going to go take pictures this weekend and enjoy them.

Have a beautiful weekend!