I am not from Utah. I never will be. I live there, 3 of my 4 children were born there, one of them is buried there, but it is not where I am from.
I lived in Omaha, Nebraska until I was 11, Coffeyville, Kansas until I was 16 and Kaysville, UT until I graduated from high school. In the last 14 years since I graduated High School, I have lived in Kansas and Utah. I only claim one of those states as where I am from.
I am from Kansas. Sure, I didn't live there for very long as a child, but that is where I met my husband, where we had our first home together, our first child and so many memories.
Every time we come back I want to move here. I miss it. I miss the green, the humidity, the rolling hills, the open landscape, I just miss it.
Every time we are here my heart aches for this place. For good Kansas City BBQ, great radio stations, hanging out with my friends here and sister-in-law, and the slew of memories that I have here.
Every time we visit, my heart aches a little (ok a lot) for this place that I call home.
Shortly into this visit, I realized why I want to live here again so badly. It's not the BBQ, the familiararity of this place, it's not even friends and family. It is this simple. I want my life back. I know that Emma is gone. I know that she is not coming back. I know that no matter where I live, this will always be my life. I will always have one more child than you see. I will always have this hole in my heart. There will always be a part missing.
Despite knowing that, I just feel like my life would be complete if I lived here again. If I were in this place, this place where she was conceived, was born, lived and died. If I were here then maybe, just maybe she would somehow be here also.
While I know it's not true, that she is not here and won't be again, this will always be my home, it is where my heart is after all.