Sunday, July 19, 2009

Home

I am not from Utah. I never will be. I live there, 3 of my 4 children were born there, one of them is buried there, but it is not where I am from.

I lived in Omaha, Nebraska until I was 11, Coffeyville, Kansas until I was 16 and Kaysville, UT until I graduated from high school. In the last 14 years since I graduated High School, I have lived in Kansas and Utah. I only claim one of those states as where I am from.

I am from Kansas. Sure, I didn't live there for very long as a child, but that is where I met my husband, where we had our first home together, our first child and so many memories.

Every time we come back I want to move here. I miss it. I miss the green, the humidity, the rolling hills, the open landscape, I just miss it.

Every time we are here my heart aches for this place. For good Kansas City BBQ, great radio stations, hanging out with my friends here and sister-in-law, and the slew of memories that I have here.

Every time we visit, my heart aches a little (ok a lot) for this place that I call home.

Shortly into this visit, I realized why I want to live here again so badly. It's not the BBQ, the familiararity of this place, it's not even friends and family. It is this simple. I want my life back. I know that Emma is gone. I know that she is not coming back. I know that no matter where I live, this will always be my life. I will always have one more child than you see. I will always have this hole in my heart. There will always be a part missing.

Despite knowing that, I just feel like my life would be complete if I lived here again. If I were in this place, this place where she was conceived, was born, lived and died. If I were here then maybe, just maybe she would somehow be here also.

While I know it's not true, that she is not here and won't be again, this will always be my home, it is where my heart is after all.

12 comments:

Adventures In Babywearing said...

That makes so much sense.

Steph

Manic Mother said...

I feel the same way about my home town , and fully intend to move back there, after Ezra's chemo. I think you have to do what you feel in your heart is right, life is too short.

Terresa said...

This is beautiful. I love your thoughts and how boldly you share them.

Mommy Mo said...

Bawling in Texas. And I so wish very badly that Emma was physically here with you now.

Lolli said...

You have a way with words, Kim. Very heart felt. Even though I have lived in MD for 12 years, and have been in this house for 11, MD will never feel like home to me. My kids, on the other hand, are Marylanders. They have been born and raised here. I ache for the West Coast, but my kids would miss the only home they've known.

Tina E. said...

Thank you for sharing this. I do wonder, if God did take you back to Kansas, would it be hard knowing that Emma was still (in a small sense) in Utah? I had a dream this very afternoon, dealing with a house and no matter how hard I tried in the dream I couldn't make it feel like 'my home'. I know it's because I'm dealing with some heart issues over a certain very important part of my life right now, and what you said at the end is true. Home is where your heart is and when you come to realize your heart isn't where you have thought your home has been for years, it really hurts.

Mom's Sewing Vault said...

((hugs))

AbeSaves said...

That makes perfect sense to me. Soak it up while you can. :) Have a fun and safe trip. Thanks again for sharing.

BeautifulWreck said...

I think what you have written and what you have said makes perfect sense.

Stef said...

I'd give you a hug right now if I could. So well written.

a Tonggu Momma said...

This makes perfect sense to me. And it helps me to understand why our neighbor (who recently lost his wife) seemed so horrified when a mutual acquaintance suggested he move so that his commute to work was easier.

makinzee said...

I love that saying "home is where your heart is" Love you, thinking of you this August!