Wednesday, February 23, 2011

My Confession

The kids are happily coloring.

I am listening to Mumford & Sons.

Quinoa is cooked on the stove waiting for me to make this for dinner tonight.

Baby clothes are washed, folded and put away.

New pajamas for the kids, shirts for Amelia and rompers for the baby are in the wash.

I need to vacuum and dust.

The sun is shining.  It is warm.

All signs point to the fact that I should be so happy.  And I am.


I am not excited about this baby being born.

There I said it.

I feel terrible about it.  I am just not excited to add to the chaos of my life.  I am not excited to have this baby and not have any family here to lend support.

I have always had some kind of family nearby.  And this time, the closest family I have is 12 hours away.  I don't know who will help with my older kids when I am in labor.  They want to see the baby be born, and I want that for them.  But, I need someone to help with them in the mean time.  I don't know who I will call when I go into labor, besides my midwife, to have them come up.  Really, I am missing my sister, Stephanie.  She has been there when all of my babies (minus Amelia as she had an 11 day old babe herself) were born.  I really don't want to do this without her here.

I have a new midwife that I have never used before, and there are unknown variables there too.  It is more expensive here (by a lot) to have a homebirth, so that is stressing me out.

I know how incredibly lucky I am that I am pregnant again.  I know that there are SO many people who would give anything to have this "problem".  To those of you who would give anything to be pregnant, I am so sorry you are not.  I wish I could lend my fertility to each of you.  I really do.

I know what it is like to want with all your heart to want a baby and not have one.  That is how I felt after Emma died.

It's just that right now, at 30 weeks, I desperately want to feel something for this baby.  I want to feel some kind of connection to him.  I want to be excited and I'm not.

I've never felt this way before.  This baby was is SO wanted.  We tried to get pregnant and wanted this.  But, two days after we found out I was pregnant, our lives were turned upside down.

I haven't had a chance to breathe yet.  I haven't had a chance to actually think much about this child who is growing within me.

We went from securely employed and imagining our future in Logan to moving to Austin all within 4 months.  That is a lot to adjust to.

Also, if I am being completely honest, I am scared of having another boy.  Seth was not an easy baby.  He was downright hard.  I never want to relive those early months with him.  He screamed for 8 straight months.  I am scared that because this is another boy, he will be like his brother.

And it wouldn't be bad to be like his brother in some ways, but in others....well, it scares me.

I have had 3 girls, all very different from eachother, so I shouldn't be so worried about this.  I know that every child is different.

This is my last baby too.  I really want to end on a good note, you know?  And, I can't believe I actually just wrote that - it's my last baby.  I really thought I had 2 boys left, but Jeremy is pretty adamant about this being the last one.  So, this is it.

*sigh* pregnancy hormones, lonely feelings, and impending birth will do a lot for ones psyche.  Maybe I'm just doing some mental nesting instead of nesting in my home.  Trying to make sense of it all, trying to adjust my thinking, trying to emotionally prepare for this sweet child.

I just pray in the next 10ish weeks, I can do this.  Because this baby deserves all the love the other 4 have gotten, and I don't want to short change him for one second.

**Comments are closed because this was more an exercise for me.  Also, I had some negative comments on twitter when I mentioned my feelings and I don't need to surround myself with any negativity right now.  Thanks for understanding.