Today two of my fellow Mamas in Grief are struggling a lot. They are at big milestones and those milestone days are so very hard. If you have a minute (which I am sure you do since you are here visiting me) go over and lend a bit of support for them.
Sometimes there are things that happen that make me think that Emma is close by. She is our Emmabug, there is even a ladybug on the back of her headstone. So, when a ladybug lands on me or is somewhere that I know it shouldn't be, I just know that Emma is sending it to tell me she loves me.
On the morning of the 29th, I woke up to find two ladybugs on the outside of my kitchen window. There are no aphids on my kitchen window, so there really was no reason for them to be there. Except they were and it made me feel a little bit better.
Sometimes she does that. When I just feel like I can't go on one more second, one of her songs will come on the radio, Seth or Amelia will say something about her, Libby will say what sounds like Emma...always something to help me remember that she is still part of our family, despite the fact that she isn't here right now.
So, while it hurts -- A LOT -- I look for those ladybug moments. The ones where I swear if I turned around I would see her standing there, or playing with her siblings. Those moments where I feel her so close I feel like I can touch her.
It's those moments that makes my grief bearable. It's those moments that make the milestone days, the ones I dread and hate when they come, it makes those days feel like I won't die and that I won't be swallowed up in this grief.
And those ladybug moments are the ones I live for. They are the ones that keep me here, sane and alive.