Saturday, August 1, 2009

i don't understand.

I don't understand this child,
the one that came from my body,
the one that saved me by coming into my womb
at just the right time.

I don't understand this child,
the one whose Spirit I knew,
Noble, Valiant, Kind
the one I recognized when he was born.
Where is that Spirit? What have I done to him?

I don't understand this child,
the one who fought me at birth,
cried for 4 months,
then was so happy.

I don't understand this child,
the one who fights me about everything,
makes me feel like a terrible Mother,
challenges me daily
my patience, my strength, my faith.

I just don't understand this child.
How could he be so full of rage
when all I do is give him love?

I really just don't understand.

13 comments:

Allie said...

Beautiful.

Big huge " you are anything but a terrible mother" hugs! Terrible moms aren't so in tune, so sensitive and so troubled by thier childs behaviour.

I have felt the same way many times.

Mara said...

I always remember the Darius Rucker song, "It won't be like this for long" and that usually helps me get through the tough times.

Stef said...

I'm curious to hear about your relationship with your son. As a new mother of an almost one-year-old I want to read more about moms and how they raise boys.

I think you've expressed a sentiment that a lot of parents feel. Thank you for sharing.

Deb said...

oh little mama...little prairie mama... here's what i have to say to you today: boys are a challenge. boys have feelings, impulses, instincts that are strange, and sometimes scary. my oldest was my handful. he still is, but, at 15, he is finally learning some impulse control and may actually be "growing up". i'm here, if you need me. you are an awesome mom, so full of love. don't beat yourself up (anymore than the rest of us beat ourselves up!).

Me said...

Will we ever understand...I dont know...We just love,care and teach them...And try to understand.

Desiree Fawn said...

I think you're not alone in feeling this way. My best wishes to your and your little one -- you'll make it through!

Pocklock said...

Sending you hugs.

Lolli said...

You know what--I don't understand either. I have had the same feelings about my children, and yet they (the stressful, crazy times that make me question everything) almost always end up being a stage, and before you know it, they've moved on. Just continue to give him your love, and soon you will realize that all is right again. Or else another kid will be going through a rough time and you start all over again with another one. ;) Hang in there, Mama!

Tina E said...

You have my heart. I remember crying and begging my son (who turns 12 this year) 1st grade teacher to help me before he did something horrible to himself out of his rage and his sadness. I didn't know what I was doing wrong, but he'd tell me that he was going to stab himself in the tummy with a knife etc etc. He grew out of that phase of severe sadness, but it has always been like walking on egg shells around him. I can say one thing and it won't affect him, say the same thing later and he's banging the table and running to his room slamming things in anger. Why?
It wasn't until one of his teachers told me that he is a special child who wears his heart on his sleeves. His emotions are close to the surface and while this is difficult it can make him into a compassionate person someday. He feels very strongly and just wasn't able to express it in good ways. We've worked on it, though not intentionally and now it's better. But I can still see when I say something in jest and it hurts him terribly or he takes it wrong. This past year he's finally starting to understand sacrcasm and the way we normally joke around here and he's caught us off guard a few times ourselves. You are a good mom, because you care. He is able to have such rage and strong emotions because he feels safe to express them with you. There is a fine line between having strong emotions and being out of control though and needing disapline to bring them back into control. It's a line I hope you find clearly when you need to and find the strength to give the disapline you need when needed. Praying and hugging.

Kelly said...

I am new to your blog this morning. From the Blog Frog. This touched me because I can too relate. I didn't lurk long enough to figure out if your child is a teenager, but I am guessing yes. I am in the middle of that myself and have no sound advise except to keep loving and waiting for the stage to pass. We were all miserable teens once too.

KJ said...

ditto

*Lissa* said...

I can SO relate to this! Although, my problems are with my 12-year-old stepson, I have so many of the same feelings. It's rough. And frustrating. *sigh*

Jen said...

I have issues with my 3 yr old, not my 5 yr old. He's so sweet and loving, telling us he loves us, kissing us...lots of great stuff. But he "won't" sit still for a prayer, doesn't have the spirituality of his 5 yr old brother and will fight anyone just to fight them. He annoys his brother because he can and drives me crazy.

But then again, this too shall pass...I pray!