Le Sigh

I have lots of thoughts weighing on my mind.  Thoughts about public breastfeeding and the heat that it takes in the media.  Thoughts about comments (or lack thereof), thoughts about my children and how they will adjust to school life...many heavy, heavy thoughts.

I sat down to write about 1 or all of them, but the words aren't coming out the way I want.  They are not flowing off my fingertips in the fashion I want.

So instead, I will share these pictures of my darlings.  These little people make everything else seem so unimportant and silly.
 

Who cares if I don't get any comments on a post?  That isn't what is important.  That doesn't declare my worth.  How well I love, care for and raise these little people is what matters.

If You Can't Say Something Nice...

*Hallmark winners are announced!! If you were one of the first 10 commenters on this post, please email me your info at kimborchert (at) gmail (dot) com.  And for the random giftie from me....#13 Mama Bee!!! Shoot me an email Kristal! And thanks for all your comments everyone! Get writing!

I have been blogging for 5 years.  I have been reading blogs for about 7 and an active part of online forums since I was in College 15 years ago (oh the chat rooms...those were good times).  People voice opinions, what they like/dislike, whatever is on their minds and other people either agree or disagree.  This is how life is offline and on.

Where the big difference between online and offline lies, is in the comments.  Haters are out there.  There are entire blogs dedicated to hating people.  Being online gives people a sense of security.  They can say things they think without repercussion.  They can post as "anonymous", not leave an email address and be completely untrackable (except by their IP address, but if you're anything like me, you wouldn't know what to do with said IP address anyway!).  These folks can forget everything their Mama's taught them about manners, doing unto others, and other such basic playground behaviors, and do and say whatever they want.

This is a behavior that has long bothered me.  I think of my blog as my home.  I am essentially inviting you into my living room.  Asking you to step over the Legos, ignore the cereal on the floor, dishes in the sink and spit up stains on my shirt.  I am opening my home to you and while I may not show every single aspect of what goes on in my home, I am authentic and real.

So, when someone comes into my home and attacks me or attacks my family, that hurts.  And it is something I don't understand.

I have certain blogs I love to read because of the way life is portrayed, the photos, the words.  These blogs inspire me to be a better Wife, Mother and Woman.  SouleMama, NieNie, CJane, Angry Chicken, Becoming Sarah, Mommy Coddle, Adventures in Babywearing...the list goes on and on and on.

I know that their portrayal of life isn't complete.  I know that the things they share aren't everything that go on in their homes.  I know that they are human, make mistakes, cry, laugh, scream, lose their tempers, etc.  I know that things aren't always perfect and sunny in their worlds.  I don't need to have them tell me these things in order for them to be authentic.

I have read comments on blogs that made my heart break, my blood boil, and have caused me to wonder, "Where has common decency gone?"

I understand jealousy.  I have felt it.  I have wanted to have the things that others have.  I would love to have higher traffic on my blog, to have people wanting to meet me or buy a book I wrote.  I would love to be able to support my family with my passion.  And I admit, there have been times when I have read a blog where I thought, "Oh yeah, that is easy for you to say because of x,y, or z".

But here is the difference between me and the haters.  I think these things and that is it.  I don't write it.  I don't go into someone elses home and show them disrespect.  If I find that I am continually being rubbed the wrong way by a blogger, I stop reading their blog.  I do not invest anymore time or energy into them, because it is not worth it.

Bloggers have become targets for hatred just like celebrities.  And, since we are more accessible, we are easier targets.  And "blog celebrities" take the brunt of it.  There are sites dedicated to bringing down bloggers.  I am not going to link to any of them because I don't want to give them any extra traffic.  But the fact that there are entire sites full of people who are full of HATRED, just makes me sick.

I guess I just I don't understand what the draw is to bring other people down just because their life seems better than yours in some way.  I don't understand when and why it became socially acceptable to hide behind your computer to bring someone else down.

To me, it just seems so very childish and is very easily fixed.  If you don't like the blog, don't read it.  If you don't agree with me, don't like the way I write, don't like how I parent or cook or take pictures or WHATEVER, don't read it. 

For me, I guess I have taken the lessons I learned as a little girl very seriously.  If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all.  Seems to me if we all listened to that advice, we would all be a lot happier.

Thoughts

Swirling Swirling, my thoughts go round.  There is so much to say, so much to write, so much to tell you, but I just can't do it yet.

I am still processing, sleeping, recovering, thinking, and loving on the people who I left at home. 

I am sorting through memories because I took ZERO pictures.  I am reveling on the weird high that people actually knew me and were excited to meet me!

I am praying that I will sell lots of slings and skirts so that I can completely pay for this trip and the next two to come.

I am spending time with my favorite people and remembering why I have this little space at all.

Be patient with me while I decompress and know that I will be back soon, and that I am so grateful for each and every one of you.

I Am What I Am.

I am tired.  I know, this is a recurring theme here on the blog, my sheer exhaustion.  But this time it is not from lack of sleep.  The babe is starting to sleep better and therefore so am I! yay!

No, I am tired of what I have become in the last year.  It was about a year ago that I realized people can and do make money on their blogs.  I started doing reviews, making contacts and turning my blog into a business.

I became concerned with my stats, how many people were reading my blog, who had more readers than me, why did they have more readers, what could I do to get more readers?  I started to post everyday, just to post, just to say I had a post this day so that people would hopefully come back.

I started stressing out about my blog.  Stressing out about my blog people.  I am not Dooce or Pioneer Woman or Soule Mama or NieNie or any of the other highly successful women who blog for their jobs.  This is not my job, it is my hobby.

I am Kim.
I am Prairie Mama. 
I am a Mom who writes about grief and joy and struggles and triumphs.  I am a Mama that is a little bit crunchy and loves homebirth, cloth diapering, babywearing and gentle parenting.  I am a Woman that is strong in her faith, lives it and is not ashamed of it.  I am a Woman who loves her husband and has a great marriage.  I am a person who lives in a small town and really isn't any different from any of the other thousands of Mommy blogs out there.

I thought about shutting down my blog.  Megan from Velveteen Mind said that might happen.  At Blogher last year, she predicted that hundreds of women would leave the conference last year and shut down their blogs.  I thought about it, I really did.  I had become a little cynical about this whole blogging thing and wasn't enjoying it as much anymore.

For the last 6 months I have been talking myself out of shutting down the blog.  I have added ads, changed my layout, continued to network and try to make a name for myself in the Blogging World.

This is why I am tired.  I am sick of trying so hard.  It is a BLOG people.  It is not like I am curing cancer or doing anything extremely meaningful.  I am writing about my life, and while that is meaningful to me and my family, I am not under the illusion that anyone else really cares.   I am keeping a record of my life for my posterity. 

I write as an outlet for me, and if it happens to help other people, awesome.  If not though, I am not going to stress about it.

So what if no one wants to sponsor  me and send me to multiple (or one) conferences?  So what if no one wants to give me a new kitchen, car, or a house?  So what if I make $20 a month (if I'm lucky) on my blog?  So what if I don't know who all the "big" bloggers are?  They're people like me, I am guessing, and are just lucky to have such success.

What I think I am trying to say is...I am scaling back.  I will still have ads here and will still do reviews of products or services that are relevant to me and my life.  I will still write when I feel the need.

I am content with the fact that I may never be a blogger with hundreds of subscribers and followers.  I may never be a blogger that gets paid a lot of money to blog or gets to do really swanky reviews.  I may never run in the inner circles of the cool kids or sit at the cool table and guess what?  I am okay with that.

I am who I am and I am sick of trying to be something that I am not.

Why I Blog

“Do you blog every day?” my husband asked. When I replied with an enthused “YES!” he said, looking a wee bit concerned,“You do know you don't have to, right? I mean, the blogging world won't implode if you don't post daily.” Duh.

He doesn't get it. He doesn't understand why I blog. I have been asked recently by a few people why I blog. I have to admit this answer hasn't come easily. It is not just a simple answer like, “I like it.” There is so much more to it.

When I started blogging, I had just given birth to my third child. I was learning how to be a Mother of a 2 year old and new baby while still reeling with the grief of losing my oldest child just three years earlier. I was living in a basement apartment in Utah and getting ready for yet another long, cold, dark winter. I was reaching out – searching for something I didn't know I needed – friendship, belonging, community.

I really had little to no idea about blogs and what was involved with them. I had been active in online forums for years and had made some amazing friends. We chatted daily and really enjoyed each other's company. But life got busy and crazy and I didn't always have the time necessary to devote to forums. I watched many of my dear friends retreat from our forums to their blogs and followed them there. I enjoyed seeing pictures of their children, reading about what they've been doing, and catching up in a new way. We could still have conversations like always, it was just a different form of communication. I liked this blogging thing!

My sister-in-law and I are knitters. She introduced me to a few pretty famous knitting blogs and I was completely and totally hooked. I started reading those blogs and meeting people from all over the globe. I learned new knitting techniques, got new ideas and had adult interaction.

That last part – adult interaction – that was the most important I think. You must remember, I was alone in a small dark apartment with two small children all day long. It was crucial that I had adults to “talk” to whenever I needed to.

Later that year, we moved to a new town where I knew only one person – someone I had met through blogs. She and I hit it off immediately. It wasn't really very surprising since I wouldn't have read the blog of someone I didn't think I'd like. She helped me adjust to this new town and showed me around a bit. She helped me find the local knitting groups and I started to make friends.

About this time, I started branching out in my blog reading. I started to read craft blogs and slowly they turned into, GASP, Mommy Blogs. I had always had a negative connotation of the Mommy Blogs in my head. I thought that they were places where parents would just gush about their kids who can do no wrong and talk about what great Moms they are. Either that or they would complain all the time about their kids and their life. I couldn't handle either extreme.

What I found though was so surprising and refreshing. There were the extremes and everything in between. I found women who loved being Moms, but admit that it's hard. I found women who would talk about poop and puke in one sentence and in the next about how there was nowhere they would rather be. I found that I understood these women and, more than that, they were encouraging me to be better. I found women being real.

I also found a community. And what a community it is. We have worked together, shared hopes and dreams and when one of our own fell from the sky, we all came together. There were auctions, benefit concerts, and Etsy sales. Bloggers made quilts, hats, and toys for her sweet children. The most important things offered though were prayers, hope, and love.

These women have become my friends. My attitude about mothering has changed because of them. There are homeschoolers, pubic schoolers, cloth diaperers, disposable users, sewers, knitters, crocheters, crafters & non-crafters. All of us combine to make a very unique group. We offer perspective, hope and challenge. We offer encouragement, love and gratitude. When there is a problem or question, we don't hesitate to ask about it on our blogs, knowing we will get a variety of ideas and answers. We find that all-important adult interaction that so many of us desperately need.

It gets lonely being the Mom sometimes. Sometimes it is frustrating and you feel as if you are the only one who is fighting with your toddler to eat, potty training your stubborn one, or crying in the night when you just don't know how best to help your child. You feel like you are the only one who has walked this toy strewn path. Knowing that there are others there who are doing it too gives strength. Reading about their challenges and laughing with them is more than a band-aid, it is a cure for your heart.

Blogging has been compared to inviting someone into your home and having a conversation with them. You get to have someone over for tea and you don't have to worry about the Legos and books all over the floor. You can have a meaningful interaction amidst peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and sticky hands. You can get ideas of activities to do with your children and inspiration of what to do with those long rainy/snowy/hot days when you can't go outside. You find out what works for other families and learn about new products that you might not have otherwise known about.

Does this mean that we no longer need flesh and blood friends? Not at all. I need both. It spurs dialogue for when we do get together. We talk about different ideas of things to blog and it strengthens those already existing relationships. I will often be talking with my girlfriends and something happens and we laugh about it being sure to “blog it”.

So why do I blog? I blog because I love to write. I blog to stay sane. I blog for friendship. I have found such an amazing community and I blog to be a part of that community – to make new friends and keep up with the old. I blog to document my life, to share my feelings hopes, fears, strengths and weaknesses. I blog because I love people. I love their stories and love to tell mine. I blog to remember the past and share my hopes for the future. I blog because I live.