Today, the girls and I had to run some errands. When we got in the van, I plugged in my iPod, and turned on Billy Joel. I hit shuffle, and the first song to come on was Lullaby. If you don't know, this is my song for Emma. It is the song I listened to non-stop for a month after she died. It is my Emma song.
I haven't heard it in a while and today while driving, it played twice.
I miss her. I miss having her here. I miss being able to take care of her grave. I miss visiting her.
But, today I feel her so close. I know that she is here when my babies are born. I know that she is close and helps to usher in her brothers and sisters as they come to the world. I know that she is my special angel who lifts me up and gives me the strength I need when I am in labor.
I love feeling her Spirit so near, but I miss her so much it just hurts. It is bittersweet for certain.
I wish when I told people that I have an 8 year old daughter that it was true. I wish that when people looked at my family they knew that this was my 5th baby, not my 4th as it seems to the outside world. I wish I didn't have to add the disclaimer to people who will see us a lot, that this is my 5th baby, but my 4th living.
I am just missing my girl so much.
Sweet Angel ~ be with me while I labor. Be with your baby brother while he works hard to come into this world. Give him a kiss and tell him it's time to come to Earth. I promise I will love him just as I love you and your brother and sisters. I promise to teach him all about his big sister who loves him so much. I promise to raise your brothers and sisters to know you, to know Jesus and to know of the miracle of Easter that lets us be a forever family.
I promise these things. Just don't leave me. Stay close while I work to bring your baby brother into the world. Stay close, let me feel you, and know that I love you more than I have words to express.