Wednesday, April 20, 2011

My Angel

Today, the girls and I had to run some errands.  When we got in the van, I plugged in my iPod, and turned on Billy Joel.  I hit shuffle, and the first song to come on was Lullaby.  If you don't know, this is my song for Emma.  It is the song I listened to non-stop for a month after she died.  It is my Emma song.


I haven't heard it in a while and today while driving, it played twice.

I miss her.  I miss having her here.  I miss being able to take care of her grave.  I miss visiting her.


But, today I feel her so close.  I know that she is here when my babies are born.  I know that she is close and helps to usher in her brothers and sisters as they come to the world.  I know that she is my special angel who lifts me up and gives me the strength I need when I am in labor.

I love feeling her Spirit so near, but I miss her so much it just hurts.  It is bittersweet for certain.

I wish when I told people that I have an 8 year old daughter that it was true. I wish that when people looked at my family they knew that this was my 5th baby, not my 4th as it seems to the outside world.  I wish I didn't have to add the disclaimer to people who will see us a lot, that this is my 5th baby, but my 4th living.

I am just missing my girl so much.


Sweet Angel ~ be with me while I labor.  Be with your baby brother while he works hard to come into this world. Give him a kiss and tell him it's time to come to Earth.  I promise I will love him just as I love you and your brother and sisters. I promise to teach him all about his big sister who loves him so much.  I promise to raise your brothers and sisters to know you, to know Jesus and to know of the miracle of Easter that lets us be a forever family.
I promise these things.  Just don't leave me. Stay close while I work to bring your baby brother into the world. Stay close, let me feel you, and know that I love you more than I have words to express.

Love, Mama

12 comments:

Katherine @ Postpartum Progress said...

Sending you hugs and love Kim.

mommabird2345 said...

Thinking of you today. Hugs.

Audrey said...

Emma's not here in Lawrence, right? If she is, I would be honored to help take care of her.

Ashleigh Baker said...

Tears. Love you, Kim.

Beth said...

Crying for your aching heart...hoping you find peace in knowing she is so near and that she is held in the arms of God every single moment...*HUGS*

~Mendie~ said...

thinking of you and wishing you smooth labor with your beautiful baby boy. Emma will be giving you both strength from above, I pray these little signs of her will continue for you so you can feel it just a little bit more.
hugs momma.

Jessica said...

Wow! Your words about Emma always blow me away! Thank you for this sweet post.

Elizabeth said...

It's beautiful to imagine her giving you peace, strength and love when you most need it. I'll be thinking of you and her and your newest little one.

Abe Saves said...

As always, your words about your sweet angel touch me when I need to hear them. Thanks for being an inspiration. Best wishes to you during this amazing time in your family's life. oxo

Megan@TrueDaughter said...

This is a post where I have no words to offer, accept that I am thankful you know she is near, always with you, and that she can run into the loving arms of Our Lord Jesus whenever she wants. God Bless you, and may you have a happy and healthy birth.

Mommy Mo said...

My heart is heavy with sadness and my eyes shed tears for you and your precious Emma. Love oyu girl and big hugs.

Cheri said...

sniff, sniff...loveyou