Thursday, January 27, 2011

Leaving Them

It is never easy for me to leave my children.

There, I said it.  It is hard for me to leave them.

I have anxiety.  It is particularly bad when I am not in control of a situation.

So, you can imagine what it does to me when I board an airplane and leave my 3 small children for days at a time.

I have no control over what is going to happen to them in my absence.  I have to completely trust someone else to love them, take care of them, and be everything to them that I am while I am gone.

I have always felt this way, but when Emma died, it just became that much worse.  When she died, I realized that I really had no control over anything when it comes to parenting.  It didn't matter what I did because if they are going to die, they are going to die.  The best I can do is give my children all the love, protection and guidance I can while I have them.

This is a really hard concept to learn and grasp.  It is something I struggle with daily and probably will my entire life.

On Tuesday morning I got up and did school with Seth and Amelia.  I also finished packing my bag to go to Blissdom.

I was filled with anxiety.  Even though I knew they would be fine, I was still so very worried and anxious about leaving them.

They are my babies.  I love them more than anything in the world.

My mind filled with what ifs....what if my airplane goes down? What if I get in a terrible car accident?  What if I never come home to them?  What will they remember about me?  Will they remember the day before when we had a terrible morning?  Or will they remember the thousands upon thousands of kisses, hugs, giggles and laughs?

When it was time, I choked back the tears, put on my sunglasses, kissed and hugged them and left.

After I arrived at the airport I called Jeremy.  I was feeling a bit choked up as I told him how much I missed him and Libby.  I told him how I was remembering the last time I was in the Austin airport, Libby was running in front of me dragging her little suitcase.  I started to get teary.  He laughed and said, "you are SO pregnant!"

It's true.  I have the pregnancy hormones.  But on top of that, I just really hate leaving my babies.

I love to be away and be with my friends, have time to recharge my batteries and be me.  But, at the same time, so much of me is wrapped up in being a Mama to my kiddos that sometimes I forget there is someone else in there.

I know this is the last time I will be leaving them for a while.  With the baby coming in a few short months, I won't be attending any more conferences for a while.  So, while it is hard to leave my babies behind, I am going to relish this bit of time for just me.

No comments: