Knowing

I woke up to him shaking my shoulders. 

I was crying, sobbing really. 

Tears soaked my pillow.

It was so real.  And then, relief.

It was a nightmare.

Amelia wasn't dead.  I wasn't sitting down writing her obituary.  I was in my bed sobbing for the daughter I love so much.

The tears then started again.  This time tears of relief.  Then replaced with tears of sorrow again for the nightmare I didn't get to wake up from.

The problem with knowing what a living nightmare feels like is that when the boogie man comes knocking on your door in the middle of the night, you don't know if it is real or not.

The problem with knowing the devastation of what it really feels like to have a dead child, is that those feelings can resurface at any moment, even in your dreams nightmares.

The problem with knowing...is that you know and can't ever forget what those gut wrenching sobs feel like. 

You may wake in the middle of the night sobbing like you did the day your child died, just sure another one has left you.

There are so many problems with knowing...and those are just a few.