I am in a foul mood tonight. I am not sure why. Everything and everyone is rubbing me the wrong way. I just want to scream and sadly I have done a lot of that.
I was ready to run away and it was bedtime, so I did what I do every night, nursed Libby. It is amazing the hormones that are released and how they are so very calming. By the time I was done and she was ready for Daddy, I was feeling much more centered and ready to be a Mama again. I went and finished brushing teeth, tucked in some kiddos and apologized for my rotten behavior tonight. Sweet as they are, they forgave me, gave me a kiss and a squeeze. All is right in their worlds again.
The problem is this though....they shouldn't have to forgive me. I am their Mom. I am their example. I am their world. My foul mood should not make them cry or run from me, or point a colored pencil at me to make me stop being mean (that was Amelia's one and it actually made me laugh). They shouldn't have to walk on egg shells, and sadly they do.
I apologize to them. I apologize to my darling, who has to pick up the pieces when I am on the rampage. I apologize to Heavenly Father for treating these sweet spirits this way.
I am tired. It is cold out. I have been inside all day working on one project or another. This doesn't excuse my actions...just trying to make sense of it.
So, in addition to the great calming hormones that come from breastfeeding, I am going to call on a couple of other helpers tonight. Knitting, Dr. Pepper, peppermint ice cream with hot fudge, a movie and snuggling with my Man.
Luckily, tomorrow is another day. Tomorrow I will snuggle my kids, talk to them about Christmas, wrap some gifts, make some goodies, sing a solo in Church and try try try to make it a better day.