Thursday, August 20, 2009

Random Emma Thoughts...


I can't remember. I can't remember what her skin felt like next to mine. I can't remember how it felt to hold her. I can't remember the sound of her voice. I can't remember exactly what color her eyes were. I can't remember why I was so frustrated with her that one day. I can't remember a thousand little things.

So many of my memories of Emma now are from video or pictures. I look at the pictures and remember what was happening on that day, or when I took that picture. I only remember her voice when I watch videos, or sometimes when I hear Liberty.

As I write this though, my memories are coming back. I am not just remembering what it was like when she died, because I remember that more than anything. But, I am remembering how she liked to suck on my nose, the way she would smile so big but not laugh, the way she would try to catch sunbeams on the floor, how she loved the wind in her hair and the rain on her face. She was so so very happy. I remember that. I remember the feel of her soft skin on her neck, and how it felt to bury my face in her hair.

I remember the last week of her life. She wouldn't sleep, not at all. Jeremy took her out for a drive a couple nights. She and I played and luckily I took a lot of video of her that week.

Oh I miss her. I search for her in my other children. I search for bits of her...Amelia has her nose, Libby has her smile, eyes and hair, Seth loved to nurse like she did...

She would be starting 1st grade on Monday. What would she have looked like? What would she have wanted to wear on Monday? What would she be doing? It never goes away, that wondering, wondering what she would be like?

If I didn't know that I would see her again someday, if I didn't know it without a doubt, I think I would go crazy. I will continue to search for her in my other kids, my home will feel empty without her here, but I will see her again and that gives me so much comfort.

12 comments:

Jen said...

Obviously loosing my father last year can't compare with you loosing Emma, but I totally related to this post. I feel I'm forgetting the sound of his voice and little things about him. I don't cry every day like my mom and I wonder when/if her memories of dad will make her smile instead of cry like they do me. Thank goodness for our knowledge of eternity!

twohig's said...

awe Kim...tear tear.
I'm thinking of you!
hugs

heather... said...

It's just not fair Kim!

Momza said...

The hardest part of losing someone we love so much is that our broken hearts don't let us die with them.
They say one day we'll all be together again forever. That's what makes living worth it.
Bless you.

Mommy Mo said...

Big hugs Kim. Please keep writing about Emma for us. Through your words, we get to "know" her and love her. Smooches.

Heather of the EO said...

I'm so sorry, friend.

You spoke your heart in a beautiful way, but I so wish you didn't have to say this.

Love you,
Heather

Elaine A. said...

She's so beautiful, as are your memories of her. Thank you so much for sharing this part of your heart with us.

Midwest Mommy said...

Tears for you today. Beautiful.

Marie {Make and Takes} said...

So so sweet! I definitely see Libby in her!

Erin said...

I have so much love for you and admire your strength. I can't even imagine.

The Motherboard said...

You keep her alive with your words. Keep writing them.

~mb

karenmed409 said...

I agree with The Motherboard comment, Keep writing about your memories.