Sometimes it overwhelms me. The fact that I have 4 children, but only 3 are here. When I think about all that has happened in the last 6 years, I can not believe this is my life.
Yet, it is. In the last 6 years I have had the opportunity to help so many Moms. I've been amazed at how many women come into my life, women that I cherish, and then lose children.
Did Emma die so I could help others? Do these fabulous friends keep coming into my life because I lost Emma and I will be able to help them? Is it just coincidence?
I found out today that one of my very dear friends has a very sick little girl. Her daughter is 7 months older than Seth. She just turned 5. She has an inoperable brain tumor. She is dying. This sweet, sassy, full of life little girl, is dying. It is just so unfair. This friend and I go back to before we were married. We were pregnant at the same time with our oldest children. She lived down the street when I had Emma and actually came and helped Jeremy get things ready when my water broke. She is just such an amazing Mom to these 4 sweet children. Now, she is facing what no parent should ever have to face, watching her child die. She and her husband explained to this sweet girl what was happening the other night. I just can't imagine. I have cried for her, and am sure I will continue to do so.
I am in the club that no one wants to join, but I find that more and more of my friends are in this club. I am scared of making new friends. Scared that this, death, will rub off on them. That somehow by just being my friend, the big black ugly thing we call death will rob them of one of their sweet children.
While I say death is big and ugly, and it is, I also know that through the Gospel of Jesus Christ, we will be forever families. We will continue to live and will see our sweet ones again one day. I know that these babies that die are so perfect, too perfect for this world. And, while that gives some comfort, it is still so hard. So hard to live it and to watch my dear friends live it.
I guess maybe it's not that by being my friend people lose their children, but more likely, we stick together. Birds of a feather really. We (this awful club) know what it is to lose a child and others know we've been through it. So, when it happens to someone else, we are sought out to help.
If I can help other parents, well, then that's ok. Like I said, birds of a feather, we stick together.