Today we hung around the house most of the day. I didn't want to talk to anyone, so I didn't. I guess that it is my perogative. Then we went and got our ladybugs, orange and pink roses and some balloons. Jeremy, the kids, Marge and I went to the cemetary and fixed up Emma's spot. The flowers looked perfect and the ladybugs were flying everywhere. We got some great pictures of the ladybugs on all of us (including Amelia's head!). Seth loved the ladybugs. He loves going to visit his sister. He climbs all over her headstone, and I really don't mind.
Anyway, back to Emma. Man sakes I miss that girl. One of Seth's best friends, Aurora, is just weeks older than Emma. I love watching them play together. They laugh and play and fight and make up...they are just like siblings I think. It gives me a good idea of what my life would be like when I am with the two of them. They are true partners in crime. Sometimes I think that God brought this sweet little girl into our lives to help heal my heart.
When I think about what Emma would be like now, well I often romanticize it. I like to think that she would be perfect and that I would never be upset with her, never have to discipline her, never have to tell her to be nice to her brother. I know, all unrealistic. But, I do it.
If I were to be completely honest with myself, I would know that Emma would be in trouble at times...she had a mischevious gleam in her eye...she would bug her brother and tease him. She wouldn't be the most helpful little girl all the time either. I know that in my head (somewhere), but mostly, I think she'd be the perfect angel that she was when I held her in my arms.
I have lots of conflicting emotions too when I think about Emma. I wish that she were here. I wish that she had never died (obviously). But, then I start thinking how my life would be different. Would Seth and Amelia be here? How old would they be? I don't think I would have gotten pregnant with Seth when I did if Emma had lived. And if I didn't get pregnant with Seth when I did, when would I have gotten pregnant with Amelia? I want Emma here, but I also want Seth and Amelia here. I want my cake and to eat it too. I want all 3 of my children here and healthy and happy.
I will now talk about Emma after she died, if you are at all squeamish or in a fragile emotional state, do not read this. Scroll down to the next set of astriks.
I have also been thinking about the last time I held Emma today. I wish I could have held her longer when she was still warm. When she was in the hospital after she died, I got to hold her. However, they couldn't remove the intubation tube until after the coroner was able to do the autopsy. So, I held her, but I had to hold her with tubes and things in her. I wish I could have held her longer. I wish that when I heard them doing suction on her in the ambulance, and it sounded like she was going to cry, that she really was going to cry. I wish that when I moved her and heard the air come out of her lungs past her vocal chords that it wouldn't have been the last time I heard the sound of her voice. I wish that the last time I wiped off her face, it wouldn't have been the blood on her face. I wish I could have given her a bath on the night of Saturday, August 23 and then clipped her nails and taken her to church the next day with me. I wish her first haircut hadn't happened in the ER room where I held her lifeless body. I wish that the last time I sang to her was tonight when she went to bed, not as I rocked her in the chair in the room where the doctors worked so hard to bring her back to life.
If wishes were pennies...
***Ok, I am done with the more vivid things, but it may still be sad to read**
I often wonder what Emma would look like at 3 years 8 months 8 days. That is how old she would be today. Would her hair have stayed so dark? Would she look more like her Daddy or me now? I want to find some age progression software and see what she'd look like, maybe. I keep praying that God will give me a glimpse of what she'd look like, but it doesn't happen. I guess I'm just not ready.
I am tired. I am really tired of grieving, it is tough work. I am really tired of being so angry. I just want to be able to accept 100% that Emma is gone and that it truly is God's will. I just don't know how to let go of all this anger. I am so angry that Emma doesn't get to grow up with her siblings. That they don't get to make memories together like siblings should. That they don't know her. That when we pass cemetaries, Seth says he wants to go see Emma. That they think she lives there. I hate that there is one person in our family that most everyone will only know through stories, pictures and videos. I hate that Amelia doesn't have an older sister to teach her about makeup and boys. I hate that Seth doesn't have an older sister to teach him how to treat girls, how to dance, and to laugh and play with. I hate it for my children. It makes me so damn mad.
What else am I angry about?? I am so sick of people assuming that I just have 2 children. I have 3 beautiful children. One was just too good for this sick world. Doesn't make it any easier to know that though. I still think of all the days I've missed with her. All the birthdays and Christmases. She never got to have a Halloween, Thanksgiving or Birthday. She missed all of those things. They've all been celebrated with her spirit in Heaven and her sweet body in the cold earth. I am so angry that she was ripped from me. From my breast. From my bed. From my life.
I am also so angry that I know more than any 29 year old should know; and I knew it at 26. I know what to do when a baby dies. I am the person people come to for help when they know someone who has lost a child. I am always glad to help, but I hate that I know how to. I listen to songs about people who have died and I listen to them over and over and over and just cry. I wonder who the people who wrote those songs lost. Who was it that caused them so much pain in missing them? Who was it that gave them the inspiration to write these hauntingly beautiful, and true, songs? I always pray it wasn't their child.
I am so angry that I hurt so bad still. But mostly, I am angry that I am still so MAD. I just want to be ok. I want to let go, but there is so much anger. I didn't even scratch the surface of my anger in this blog tonight. I would get carpal tunnel if I tried.
I miss her. I miss her so much it hurts. I wonder everyday what she'd be like. There is a song by Kenny Chesney, Who You'd Be Today -- it says, "sometimes I wonder who you'd be today". I sing it, "I always wonder who you'd be today". Not a day goes by that I don't think of Emma. Not a day goes by that I don't miss her. I cry inside several times everyday. My heart breaks more everyday. I didn't think it was possible; I thought that my heart had already been broken into a zillion pieces, but there are more pieces to break. I learn that everyday.
I realized today that I have nursed a baby for the last 3 years on this day (and many others), but tomorrow I can't say that. Three years ago tomorrow, I would have given anything to nurse my baby. I prayed that the coroner would call and tell me to come get my baby. That she was alive, that it was all a big mistake. I thought if I had enough faith, that would happen. I know now that faith had nothing to do with it...
You know, as much as I hurt and as angry as I am, I am SO glad that I know I'll see Emma again. I think of people who have no faith in God and how much harder it must be for them. I can't even imagine.
I have a headache, I need to finish up here. Amelia is going to nurse soon and I want to just hold her so tight. She is looking more like Emma everyday. I slip and call her Emma a lot too. I want to change her name so it isn't so close to Emma. Oh well, too late now. I just want to hold my babies and let them know how much I love them. I want them to know how glad I am that they are here. I never want them to think I don't love them or need them or want them. I want them to know that they are EACH my favorites.
Emma ~ Goodnight my Angel, I love you, I miss you more than you know. My heart aches to hold you, my eyes want to see you, my hands want to touch you. Our time was cut too short. There are so many things I wanted to teach you, show you, and do with you. Someday my angel, someday. Until then, I will do all I can to be worthy of being your Mama. I will see you again my darling daughter...