Monday, December 7, 2009

Ready or Not...

Here it's that time of year again.  It's December.  I love this month, but it is also so very hard.  Seven years ago this month I became a Mother.  I got the title I had always wanted.  I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl.  I held her in my arms, nursed her, loved her.  Seven years ago my dreams came true.  Never did I think that seven years later I would be without her, that she would never have a birthday.

It is so hard, I miss her so deep and so much.  I ache for her.  I look for her in my other children...I want to see a part of her.  I want to see some of her somewhere in my life.  I want something to fill this immense hole that has been left in me.  I want something besides pictures.  I want when Libby says, "M'ah!" for it to be to her sister, not her sister's picture.

I want to have more patience with my children that are here.  I want to be the Mother that they deserve.  I want to not have so much pain and grief inside of me that I just can not function at the level that they need.  I want to be able to give them everything of myself.  I want to have the energy to play, the ability to let go of my sorrow and just love them fully.  I do love them, don't get me wrong, it's just so hard to give so much and know how easily it can be taken away.  I want to be the Mother to them that I was to her.  I want to not have such a short fuse right now because I am trying so hard to hold it all together.  I want for Seth to stop yelling at me, he does it because he sees it and that kills me.  I want to be better.  But I miss her and it hurts and I just don't know how to do it.  I don't know how to put this hurt aside and be the Mom I always wanted to be, the one I want to be now.

I miss her so much.  I miss what could have should have been.  My heart is heavy right now.

My sweet girl would be in 1st grade, probably have a loose tooth or two, would be riding bikes, playing with her brother and sisters, learning to change diapers (if I was lucky), learning to knit and sew with much, just so much I don't know about her.

So, if there is unusual silence around here for a bit, you'll understand why.  My heart is aching for my baby, my baby girl who would be seven in 8 days.

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