It is so hard, I miss her so deep and so much. I ache for her. I look for her in my other children...I want to see a part of her. I want to see some of her somewhere in my life. I want something to fill this immense hole that has been left in me. I want something besides pictures. I want when Libby says, "M'ah!" for it to be to her sister, not her sister's picture.
I want to have more patience with my children that are here. I want to be the Mother that they deserve. I want to not have so much pain and grief inside of me that I just can not function at the level that they need. I want to be able to give them everything of myself. I want to have the energy to play, the ability to let go of my sorrow and just love them fully. I do love them, don't get me wrong, it's just so hard to give so much and know how easily it can be taken away. I want to be the Mother to them that I was to her. I want to not have such a short fuse right now because I am trying so hard to hold it all together. I want for Seth to stop yelling at me, he does it because he sees it and that kills me. I want to be better. But I miss her and it hurts and I just don't know how to do it. I don't know how to put this hurt aside and be the Mom I always wanted to be, the one I want to be now.
I miss her so much. I miss what
My sweet girl would be in 1st grade, probably have a loose tooth or two, would be riding bikes, playing with her brother and sisters, learning to change diapers (if I was lucky), learning to knit and sew with me...so much, just so much I don't know about her.
So, if there is unusual silence around here for a bit, you'll understand why. My heart is aching for my baby, my baby girl who would be seven in 8 days.