Monday, December 28, 2009

Moving On...

I have this outfit, perfect for the holidays.  Black pants with sparkles, a red sweater with a black fur's not mine.  I bought it on August 23, 2003.  My Mother-in-law and I went to Children's Orchard that day because they were bringing out all of their winter gear.  We bought a coat and several outfits.  I just finished showing my father-in-law those outfits when my nightmare began, when Jeremy's Mom came down the stairs  holding my lifeless baby in her arms.

I have given the coat away, just couldn't bear to keep it.  Some of the outfits have been worn.  But this one, this holiday one still has the tags on it.

It never fit Amelia during the holidays, and I was always a little relieved for that.  However, it is Liberty's size.  She would look so cute in it this week as we go out and play as a family.

I just don't know if I can do it.  If I can take this last bit of that day and put it out there for me to see, to hold, to touch.  I bought it for my baby girl, I bought it for her to wear on Christmas.  I never would have dreamed when I was shopping and she was dreaming at home she would be gone so quickly.  I thought it would be fun to dress her up, and then let her sisters wear it as they got older.

So many plans that never were.  So many wishes and hopes for her that I don't get to see...

Now though, I have these other girls. These wonderful, happy, loud, ALIVE girls.  I love them, I love them so much, so fiercely. 

I guess it's just another part of moving on, of moving past the pain that pain that never really ends, just grows different with each passing year.

I think I'll wash it and let her wear it.  I will let her wear it and imagine what Emma would have looked like in it.  I will wonder if she would have been walking at a year, what she would have eaten in it, what she would have played with while wearing it, maybe she had a blow-out diaper in it and made a big mess.  I will dress my Liberty in it and smile and hold her just a little bit tighter.

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