I Love Pregnancy :: Million Moms Challenge

When I was a teenager, I knew that I would want drugs when I had a baby.  My favorite thing to say was, "God gave man the smarts to invent drugs for a reason.  Stick that needle in my back and give me relief!"

When I found myself pregnant with my first child however, I my tune was different.  My sister had two homebirths, and while I knew I would NEVER do that (never say never) she had really good experiences both times.  My sister-in-law had just had a baby two years earlier in a birth center, and I thought that was such a great alternative.

I had researched and knew exactly how I wanted birth to be.  I knew that I would have a natural, drug-free birth with a Certified Nurse Midwife in the hospital.  I knew my baby would be born gently, peacefully and would nurse right away.

Continue reading at ABC News.

He is HERE!

Elliott Joseph Borchert

April 28, 2011

11:52 pm

8 lbs. 2 oz.

Birth story to come soon...it's a good one :)

Never Say Never

I've never been this pregnant.
I've never felt this full. 
I've never felt this ready.
I've never felt this awkward.
I never thought I'd make it this far.

Just goes to show, never say never.

Difference 9 Weeks Makes

I have been lucky to do 2 belly casts with my pregnancies. 

The first one I did was when I was 28 weeks pregnant with Amelia.  This one has been displayed proudly in my home for the last 4 years.

I wanted to do one with Seth and Libby, but they were both born before I had the chance to do it.

Right before we moved to Texas, my dear friend, Heidi, gave me a belly casting kit making me promise I would use it.

So, at 37 weeks, Jeremy and I did the belly cast.

I was shocked to look at the two casts next to each other and see the difference 9 weeks makes in a pregnancy.

Our bodies are amazing aren't they?  I am so grateful that my body can and does grow and change to have these sweet babies.  So blessed indeed.

My Angel

Today, the girls and I had to run some errands.  When we got in the van, I plugged in my iPod, and turned on Billy Joel.  I hit shuffle, and the first song to come on was Lullaby.  If you don't know, this is my song for Emma.  It is the song I listened to non-stop for a month after she died.  It is my Emma song.

I haven't heard it in a while and today while driving, it played twice.

I miss her.  I miss having her here.  I miss being able to take care of her grave.  I miss visiting her.

But, today I feel her so close.  I know that she is here when my babies are born.  I know that she is close and helps to usher in her brothers and sisters as they come to the world.  I know that she is my special angel who lifts me up and gives me the strength I need when I am in labor.

I love feeling her Spirit so near, but I miss her so much it just hurts.  It is bittersweet for certain.

I wish when I told people that I have an 8 year old daughter that it was true. I wish that when people looked at my family they knew that this was my 5th baby, not my 4th as it seems to the outside world.  I wish I didn't have to add the disclaimer to people who will see us a lot, that this is my 5th baby, but my 4th living.

I am just missing my girl so much.

Sweet Angel ~ be with me while I labor.  Be with your baby brother while he works hard to come into this world. Give him a kiss and tell him it's time to come to Earth.  I promise I will love him just as I love you and your brother and sisters. I promise to teach him all about his big sister who loves him so much.  I promise to raise your brothers and sisters to know you, to know Jesus and to know of the miracle of Easter that lets us be a forever family.
I promise these things.  Just don't leave me. Stay close while I work to bring your baby brother into the world. Stay close, let me feel you, and know that I love you more than I have words to express.

Love, Mama

My Weekend Plans

A lot of my friends are in New Orleans this weekend.

I am a little bit jealous...but not too much. 

I would LOVE to go to Mom 2.0, it is a conference that sounds like it is right up my alley.

BUT, I think I might have more fun this weekend at home than they will in NOLA.

Maybe I'll have a baby.

Maybe I won't.

But, I am going to have fun with my 3 hooligans and enjoy them as much as I can before this last hooligan comes to our home.

I am going to enjoy every kick, move, hiccup and contraction (yes, contraction) of this, my last pregnancy.

I am going to go to a baby shower (for ME!) and laugh and giggle with my new friends.

I am going to enjoy this weekend, knowing that it may be (and hopefully is) the last weekend before I have a baby.

So, I may not be at Mom 2.0 with LOTS of my friends eating great Cajun food....

But, I am going to have fun anyway.

37 weeks.

Here I am. 37 weeks. This babe could come any day now and just might. Jeremy figured out that my average birth date is 38 weeks, 2 days.  That would be next week people!

Seth wants the baby to be born RIGHT NOW and he tells me this daily.  He doesn't understand how very little control I have over the whole thing :)

So, let's play a little game, shall we?

You guess when the baby will be born.  Give me dates, times and weights.  Whoever is closest will get a prize sometime this year.

I can't promise anything for at least a couple of months you know, I'm going to be busy with a newborn ;)

Me and my boys

So....here are some stats to help you out.

Emma: 37 weeks 3 days, 7 lbs 8 oz., 10:35pm
Seth: 38 weeks 2 days, 9 lbs. 3 oz., 4:59 am
Amelia: 39 weeks 1 day, 7 lbs. 15 oz., 12:06 am
Liberty: 38 weeks 2 days, 8 lbs. 2 oz., 5:25 am

 So, what do you think?  When will our newest little man make his grand appearance???

Also, due to overwhelming love of my skirt on Facebook, I thought I would give you a heads up about where I got it.

I made it.  I know, shocking.  When I was pregnant with Libby, I had a brilliant idea, to make myself some skirts with shirred or smocked fabric at the top.  I went to Joann fabric and found a few prints I liked.  I wrapped it around my belly to figure out how much I needed and had it cut.  Then I went home, sewed up the seam and hemmed it to the length I wanted.  That was it.  Really simple.

I haven't been able to find a great selection at Joann this year, but I found some I love at Hancocks.  If you order it online, just measure your belly and go from there.  Super easy and OH so comfy!

Letters to my Family

My Dearest Babies,

First off, I am sorry.  I am sorry that I am not the nicest person to be around right now.  I know that I have been yelling way more than usual and don't have any patience with any of you.

I know that I am not any fun to be with and can't get down on the ground to play games with you.  I am sorry.

Mama is really uncomfortable.  It is really hard to be pregnant and to navigate my way around all your JUNK all over the house.

I also hurt.  It doesn't help that I tripped and fell over all the toys in the girls' room this week, that kind of made it worse.

But, here is the good news.  With this bad mood of Mamas, comes her craving for all things junk.  That is why the pantry is now stocked with Doritos, Cheetos, Pop Tarts, Oreos and Popcorn.  You are welcome.

Please have patience with Mama because she doesn't have patience with anyone and I am sorry.

This will all be over soon, I promise.  This baby will be born and then I will be in an Oxytocin induced state of bliss.

I love you all.  Even when I am crying and being cranky and just not very nice.

I promise, I love you more than you will ever know.

Love,
Mama

Dear Jeremy,

Just wait. This baby will be here soon and I won't be the raging hormonal mess that you have to put up with right now.  I will be a different raging hormonal mess, one that has a baby next to her, not inside of her.  You know it gets better.

Thanks for hanging in there with me and enduring the end of my pregnancy well.  Because at least one of us should.

I love, love, love you.
Me

Time to Stop Running.

Amelia and Libby were asleep and I was having some alone time with Seth.  We talked about him starting school next week and what he was most excited about, and most nervous about.  He is most excited about lunch and recess.  Those are his favorites.  He is most nervous about being the new kid and having everyone stare at him.  Me too.

I hated being the new kid.  We moved the summer before my 6th grade year, and when I was in 10th grade.  It was not easy either time.  And, both times I was scared out of my mind that first day of school.  I remember that uncomfortable feeling as people are trying to figure you out, where you fit, and if they want to be your friend.

I hated lunch both times. Who do I sit with? I don't know anyone and don't have friends yet. It was so awkward and uncomfortable.

I want to shield him and protect him from that.  And I have for 2 months.  I can't anymore and it is killing me.

During our conversation he let me know that I am "on the computer way too much".  So, I am making a conscious effort to scale way back.  I will check my email and blogs during breakfast and lunch and again after the kids are in bed.  But that is it, starting today.  I am their Mom first and foremost, I need to remember that.

******

I am really having a hard time being the new kid here.  I completely broke down to Jeremy because I don't know what I will do with these kids when I have the baby.

If this labor and delivery are like my others, it will happen in the middle of the night.  That really is great except...Libby doesn't sleep all night.  In fact, some nights, she wakes up crying and screaming several times.  What will we do then?  I need Jeremy when I am in labor, I am selfish and can't have him running off to help her every 30 minutes.

Also, even if everyone sleeps all night, we won't and we will be exhausted the next day.  But, the kids will still need to eat and play and want to do things that involve parents who are awake.

It is really hard not having my support system here this time.

I know that we will do what we have to do....but I am scared.

I really wonder what the Lord was thinking when Jeremy lost his job 2 days after I found out I was pregnant.  We felt so certain that now was the time to have another baby.  I wasn't ready physically, but I am not one to ignore the promptings of the Holy Ghost when they are that strong.  And because I know that God has sent this baby to us at this time, in this place, I am sure everything will be ok.

But...I am also human, and very pregnant and feeling very alone.  So I doubt and I wonder and I cry. A lot.

******

These are the things that weigh heavily on my mind and drive me to eat Oreo's at 11:15 pm.  These are the things that keep me awake at night and keep me from relaxing and thinking good positive thoughts about the impending birth of this child.

These are the thoughts that swirl around and around and around in my head.

These are the reasons I use the internet as my form of escapism...all too often.

It is time I stop hiding, stop escaping and stop running.  It is time I start figuring out how to deal with these feelings.  Because Seth is starting school next week whether I am ready for him to or not.  And, this baby is coming in about 6 weeks whether I have worked through my feelings of anxiety or not.

So, here I go, into the depths of my soul to try to gain some peace.  Your prayers, thoughts, and light are much appreciated right now.  I really need it.

33 Weeks and a Big Fat Bruise

*Update* Zappos came to the rescue and completely took care of the shoe situation.  They are issuing a full refund and letting me exchange my shoes for others.  I have opted for some great looking Danskos, a shoe with a great reputation.  So I feel good about it.  YAY for Zappos!

How do you like that shadow?  It's the best I can do as far as belly shot right now.  That is me in all my 33 week glory.  I feel like a whale, I waddle a lot, my back hurts and I am exhausted.  But I am so blessed to be able to carry this sweet little person inside of me.  To have another human being growing and living and depending on me.  I am blessed.

*****

Remember how Amelia just learned to ride a two wheeler?  Well, this little girl will ride that bike anytime I let her.  Yesterday, she and Seth were out riding and I was doing something inside.  I heard her scream and immediately waddled out to see what was wrong.  She came in holding her elbow and told me she fell.  She had a small scrape on her elbow and a nice big goose egg on her chin (is it still a goose egg if it's on the chin?).  In typical Amelia fashion, I got her cleaned up and she went right back out to ride.  But, not before posing for a few photos for me.  My little ham.

My Confession

The kids are happily coloring.

I am listening to Mumford & Sons.

Quinoa is cooked on the stove waiting for me to make this for dinner tonight.

Baby clothes are washed, folded and put away.

New pajamas for the kids, shirts for Amelia and rompers for the baby are in the wash.

I need to vacuum and dust.

The sun is shining.  It is warm.

All signs point to the fact that I should be so happy.  And I am.

But...

I am not excited about this baby being born.

There I said it.

I feel terrible about it.  I am just not excited to add to the chaos of my life.  I am not excited to have this baby and not have any family here to lend support.

I have always had some kind of family nearby.  And this time, the closest family I have is 12 hours away.  I don't know who will help with my older kids when I am in labor.  They want to see the baby be born, and I want that for them.  But, I need someone to help with them in the mean time.  I don't know who I will call when I go into labor, besides my midwife, to have them come up.  Really, I am missing my sister, Stephanie.  She has been there when all of my babies (minus Amelia as she had an 11 day old babe herself) were born.  I really don't want to do this without her here.

I have a new midwife that I have never used before, and there are unknown variables there too.  It is more expensive here (by a lot) to have a homebirth, so that is stressing me out.

I know how incredibly lucky I am that I am pregnant again.  I know that there are SO many people who would give anything to have this "problem".  To those of you who would give anything to be pregnant, I am so sorry you are not.  I wish I could lend my fertility to each of you.  I really do.

I know what it is like to want with all your heart to want a baby and not have one.  That is how I felt after Emma died.

It's just that right now, at 30 weeks, I desperately want to feel something for this baby.  I want to feel some kind of connection to him.  I want to be excited and I'm not.

I've never felt this way before.  This baby was is SO wanted.  We tried to get pregnant and wanted this.  But, two days after we found out I was pregnant, our lives were turned upside down.

I haven't had a chance to breathe yet.  I haven't had a chance to actually think much about this child who is growing within me.

We went from securely employed and imagining our future in Logan to moving to Austin all within 4 months.  That is a lot to adjust to.

Also, if I am being completely honest, I am scared of having another boy.  Seth was not an easy baby.  He was downright hard.  I never want to relive those early months with him.  He screamed for 8 straight months.  I am scared that because this is another boy, he will be like his brother.

And it wouldn't be bad to be like his brother in some ways, but in others....well, it scares me.

I have had 3 girls, all very different from eachother, so I shouldn't be so worried about this.  I know that every child is different.

This is my last baby too.  I really want to end on a good note, you know?  And, I can't believe I actually just wrote that - it's my last baby.  I really thought I had 2 boys left, but Jeremy is pretty adamant about this being the last one.  So, this is it.

*sigh* pregnancy hormones, lonely feelings, and impending birth will do a lot for ones psyche.  Maybe I'm just doing some mental nesting instead of nesting in my home.  Trying to make sense of it all, trying to adjust my thinking, trying to emotionally prepare for this sweet child.

I just pray in the next 10ish weeks, I can do this.  Because this baby deserves all the love the other 4 have gotten, and I don't want to short change him for one second.

**Comments are closed because this was more an exercise for me.  Also, I had some negative comments on twitter when I mentioned my feelings and I don't need to surround myself with any negativity right now.  Thanks for understanding.

Shalom!

Shortly before we moved, I knew that I was going to need a good knitting project for the car.

Three days in the car with 3 small people, a husband and a cat was sure to drive me batty and I needed something to keep me sane.

Knitting in the car

So, I went to Blazing Needles (an amazing yarn shop in Salt Lake City) and picked up 2 skeins of Cascade Ecological Yarn.  I love this stuff.  It is soft, durable and BEAUTIFUL.

I knew that we were moving somewhere that never saw the cold temperatures I was used to, so I needed to find a pattern that would work for "Winter" in Texas.

After searching and searching and searching on Ravelry, I decided on Shalom.  I love this pattern.  I am going to make myself another one for next year.  It is that great of a pattern.

I wear is sweater everywhere I go.  I wear it with long sleeve shirts and it is just perfect.

I have enough yarn left over that I think I will either make some longies for the baby for next winter, or a sweater for one of the kids.  I haven't decided yet.  I am still not sure I ever want to knit sweaters for my children again...not after last time.

So, here are the specifics:

Yarn: Cascade Eco+
Colorway: 2453
Needles: Knit Picks US 10
Pattern: Shalom

You can find me on Ravelry too, I am PrairieMama (go figure!)
If you make one for you, please let me know, it is such a fun, quick and easy knit.  Great for beginners!!

Oh and by the way....that's my 25 week belly.  First belly picture.  I am huge, I know. :)

Roller Coaster

I am currently 19 weeks pregnant.  With each of my children, I have felt kicks, back flips and sommersaults by this point.  This baby has been different.  Every time I thought I had felt something it turned out to be gas.  How do I know?  Because I would toot right after said "movement".  Yes, I just said toot.

Anyway, to say this 5th pregnancy has been different would be putting it lightly.

Yesterday I called my midwife because I was really worried that I hadn't felt the baby move yet.  That is right, 4 weeks after I'd felt the other babies move, I still hadn't felt this one.

She wisely suggested I drink some juice and lie down and have some quiet time to try to feel the baby.  Well, that would work if I weren't a single Mama right now.  There is NO quiet time around here.  I tried, but I felt nothing.

This morning she called and said she wanted to see what was going on and wanted me to come up to her office in Idaho for an ultrasound.  This office is an hour and a half away.  Yes an hour and a half.

I made arrangements for Seth for after school, packed up my girls and started driving.  I called my Mom, who in turn called my sisters.  Jeremy's sister called me and I told her what was going on.  I called Loralee, who just happens to be in NYC right now (we were both dying).  I was a sobbing mess for about 30 minutes of my drive and then felt peace.

I felt the prayers of my sweet husband, my parents, my sisters, my friends.  I felt their love and the love of God encircling me, and I was at peace.  I enjoyed the rest of my drive.

We arrived and my midwife pulled me into her office.  First things first, she found a heart beat.  Never was a sound more beautiful than that.

Shortly after that, the ultrasound tech was ready for me.  I was measuring 25 cm and am 19 weeks.  They were thinking twins, I was thinking another boy.  I measured 7 weeks ahead with Seth from 20 weeks on.  So that was my first thought.

Still feeling very at peace, I called Jeremy, put him on speaker phone and let the tech do her thing.  The first thing I saw was a little something between the legs.  But, since I'd never seen one of those in an ultrasound, I wasn't sure.

She measured, checked the heart and told me that the placenta was in front.  This is why I haven't felt any movement.  The baby is using it as a punching bag, but I can't feel a thing!  Little stinker ;)

Then came the moment of truth.  Boy or girl?  Of my 5 pregnancies, I have only wanted to know twice. I found out 3 times, but that is another story for another day.

I wanted to know with Amelia and wouldn't you know it, she was SO modest with her little legs crossed, it took a lot of coercing her to show us the goods.

This baby is much the same.  I had to move my belly and talk to the baby to open up the legs.

Then we saw it, the money shot...a PENIS!!!!!!!!!!!!  Amelia started screaming and yelling with excitement.  Jeremy and I were both pretty excited too.

I couldn't wait to rush home and tell my little boy he was FINALLY going to have a brother.  He has been praying for a brother for years now.  He even told me if this baby was a girl that he would never talk to her.

Amelia really wanted to tell Seth about the baby, so I let her.  Jeremy said he wished he could have been here when I told Seth.

Lucky for him, I have a Flip.  So babe, this is for you...and everyone else too ;)

Maternity Skirt 101

My favorite jeans to wear are the Secret Fit Belly jeans from Motherhood.  I love the spandex top that gives me full coverage and sucks me in at the same time.

I really wanted a skirt (or 5) that did the same thing.  However, despite my searching, I couldn't find any.  So, I took matters into my own hands and produced this

Cute, no?  I loved making it so much, and it really was so easy, that when I made my next skirt, I took loads of pictures so you all could make this skirt too.

So, here it is, my first tutorial (which means when you have loads of questions because my instructions were clear as mud you better ask).

To make any of the pictures bigger, just click on them.

Super Cute and Sassy Maternity Skirt

Materials
2ish yards of skirt fabric - anything that has a nice drape
1/4 yard swimsuit fabric - you want something with good stretch.

First thing you want to do is either find a skirt pattern you love, or a skirt you love.  This is going to be the template for your pattern.

I took my jeans that I love so much, folded them in half and laid them out.  I then put the skirt I love, again folded in half,  on top of the jeans so I could make my pattern.

Next I got a piece of wrapping paper (my favorite thing to make patterns with) and traced the top so I could have something to pin to the fabric.

This shows my layout.  Now I knew what shape to cut the skirt part in, and how much of the stretchy fabric I would need.

Next, I pinned the top of the skirt down so that I would be cutting where the skirt hits my hips.

Now with your fabric folded in half, lay out your pattern with the front of the skirt on the fold.

Now for the back.

I did the same thing I did for the front, except I turned my jeans around to make my back pattern piece.

After cutting it out, I laid the front that I had already cut out, on top of this.

Now here is something very important.  You see how the pattern piece I cut out curves on the front?  Don't cut that curve.  DO NOT  CUT THAT CURVE!!!  I did the first time and I had a great little V in the front of my skirt.  Just make it square as you can see I did in the picture.

Now that you have both sides cut out, serge or sew them together, right sides facing together.

Now it is time for the waistband.

As you can see when looking at the jeans and my drawing of what I wanted the top to look like, the front was going to be longer than the back.  With two little ones running around my sewing room and asking to listen to Jingle Bells, I couldn't concentrate enough to do that.  So, I just made my waistband all one size.  It works and I love it.

For my waistband measurement, I took the fabric and measured it against my jeans to get the right width.  I cut two of these and serged right sides together.

If you don't have a pair of jeans that you love like I do, just take the stretchy fabric and put it around your waist until it is comfortable.  You don't want it so tight that it cuts off the circulation, but you want it tight enough to stay in place.

After I had my right sides serged together, I folded it like I would fold the top of a sock down, wrong sides together.  This makes it two layers thick.  Now you don't have to do this, but if you don't, you will want to make a small hem at the top.

You can see that the waistband is much smaller than the skirt.  This is good, you want it this way.

Pin the waistband to the skirt, right sides together.  I pin at each side, matching up seams and the center front and center back.

 Now baste this together.  Basting is using a long stitch, I set my machine at a 4, so that it is easy to rip out if I need to.

Try on your skirt and be sure it fits how you like.  If it doesn't, then take out the stitches you just did and redo the waistband.  Lucky for me, it was perfect, so I was ready to serge.

 When you start to serge it (or do a zigzag stitch on your sewing machine) you will see that it is a bit bunched up.  Stretch it out while you sew, being sure that the fabric lays flat.

Now it's time to hem this baby up.  Try it on again and check the length.  Mine was a lot longer than I wanted, so I actually ended up cutting off about 4 inches.   Pin it where you want it and make a nice hem.

This next step is extremely important.  Try it on and have your 4 year old take a picture so you can share it with the world.  Be sure that your undies are cutting into your belly so it looks like you have two.  I can't stress the importance of this step enough.

Now, find the perfect sassy maternity shirt and show off your Sassy Self for all the world to see!

You just made a skirt and it wasn't too painful, now was it??

Questions??  Please ask.  I will answer all questions in the comments, so everyone can see.  Share what you made with me, I can't wait to see!!!

*With the first skirt I made, I used a different skirt as my pattern than the second.  So, the first one is a bit more full than the second.  The skirt pattern I used for the red and gray skirt is adapted from the Amy Butler Barcelona skirt pattern.

Keepsakes

Don't I look young????  EEK!

I will never forget the moment I found out I was going to be a Mom for the first time.  I was 25, just came home from work and realized I hadn't started my period.  I took out the test, peed and was SHOCKED when I saw those two lines show up.

I hollered at Jeremy, he came in and we cried.  We were so excited, so thrilled.

I still have the tests I used when I was pregnant with Emma.

18 months later, I took another test.  This time it was on our 2nd Anniversary.  After having our hearts broken just a short month and a half earlier, we found out it we going to start healing with another baby.  I still have those tests too.

Two more babies came, and more tests.  And since I can't take just one (because what if it is a fluke, what if it is a false positive?  Yeah, I know those don't happen very often...but....and really, who doesn't like peeing on a stick and watching magic happen?)

So, 4 babies* later, I have a lot of pregnancy tests in my bathroom cupboard.  When we moved Jeremy asked me if he could throw them away.  I almost throttled him.  I fought the urge however and just said, "NO WAY!"

Obviously those are not the only keepsakes I have from those magical times.  I have sonogram pictures, sonogram videos, lots of stretch marks and pictures.  These are all things that mark a magical time in my life.  But I think that the pregnancy tests are the most meaningful because they represent the moment I really knew.  The second I found out that there was a little life growing inside of me.  They represent me becoming a Mother over and over (and over and over) again.

So I guess the folks at EPT have caught wind of my crazy pregnancy test keeping (and maybe a few other Moms do it too) because they are making a keepsake case for those wonderful little urine soaked sticks.

Pretty cool huh?  I am so glad that someone has finally made a nice way to keep these instead of in a box under the bathroom sink!

When was the moment you knew?  What keepsakes do you have from your pregnancies? And more importantly, did you keep your tests???

*4 babies...and I am definitely planning on using this case for baby #5 as soon as it happens!

"I wrote this review while participating in a blog tour campaign by Mom Central on behalf of e.p.t and received an e.p.t. keepsake case and a $20 gift card to JustGive.org to facilitate my review.”

My Path to Homebirth :: Part 1

**Be sure to go on over to my Review Blog and learn about my new sponsor, Artistic Sensations. We are hosting a great giveaway you won't want to miss!


Some people describe me as a "hippie" Mom.  I cloth diaper, I let my kids self-wean from breastfeeding, I co-sleep, I wear my babies, I do delayed vaccinations, I homebirth.

I am often asked why I would choose to have my baby at home.  What reason could I have for being so crazy?  I totally understand those questions.

When I was in college, my sister had a homebirth.  I could not believe she would be so irresponsible.  I couldn't believe that she would put her baby's life at risk just because she didn't like the hospital.  I couldn't believe she would want to do it without drugs.  I was often heard saying, "God gave man the smarts to invent drugs, stick that needle in my back thank you very much".  In fact, just 7 months before my sister had her homebirth, I had witnessed the birth of my best friend's baby.  She had her baby in the hospital and had an epidural.  It was great, no complications, everything went swimmingly.  Why wouldn't I want that?

Jeremy and I had been married 6 months when I found I was pregnant with Emma.  I was 26 and was a bit wiser at this point.  I was learning I had options.  My sister had had 2 homebirths, my sister-in-law had a baby at the Birth Center and those births were great.

I was starting to believe that I wasn't a wuss and that my body could do this.  I started reading about the Bradley Method of childbirth.  Jeremy and I read and researched and decided on having our baby with a Certified Nurse Midwife in the Hospital.  This way I could have my natural birth with a midwife, but still have the comforts of the hospital.

During my pregnancy we took Bradley Method classes.  I completely ignored the part where we learned about C-Sections because there was no way I was going to have one.  I wasn't going to cave and get an epidural, so the snowball effect of epidural=relaxing of uterus=contractions slowing down=increased interventions=possibility baby goes into distress=C-Section.  That wasn't going to happen to me.

When I was 34 weeks pregnant I went to see my midwife.  I was measuring about 3 1/2 weeks ahead, so she sent me back for an ultrasound.  We found out that Emma was footling breech.  I cried.  She assured me that there was plenty of time for her to turn, but in my heart I didn't believe her.  I went home and began researching how to turn a breech baby.  I swam everyday and did handstands in the water, I put ice on her head and heat down low (along with lights and music...trying to make it really inviting for her head down there!), I lay inverted on an ironing board and then on my reclining chair.  I saw a Chiropractor and had the Webster Technique done 3 times a week.  I burned Moxibustion by my little toe (on Thanksgiving in my in-laws garage.  Good times).  I did everything I could think of.  I wasn't a candidate for an external version because my blood pressure shot up and I was swelling up like a balloon.

At my 37 week appointment I had a Non Stress Test done.  When it was done, the midwife came in and asked if I had scheduled my C-Section yet.  I was floored.  I told her that no I hadn't and didn't plan on scheduling it.  I wanted her to turn and was still trying to get her to turn.  She told me that a c-section wasn't that bad and that I would be okay.  I informed her that a few years prior I had my gallbladder out, major abdominal surgery, and this would be similar.  There was no way I wanted to go through that recovery again with a newborn to take care of.

I left the office in tears.  I called my sister-in-law, who gave me the confidence I needed to fire my midwife.  I called the practice and requested a different midwife for my next appointment and to make her my primary midwife.

It didn't matter.  Sunday night my water broke.  It was 8pm and I was sitting down to watch Alias.  I heard a POP and felt a gush and knew that my baby was coming.

We called the midwife on call (someone I didn't know) and were told to go to the hospital to get ready for my c-section.  An hour later we arrived at the hospital and had a really horrific experience.  I was admitted to a room and told to put on this gown.  I did and then I had to pee.  So, I went to the bathroom.  A nurse came in and yelled at me because I was getting amniotic fluid all over the floor.  She made me walk on towels back to the bed.

I was hooked up to monitors and was being asked a million and one questions.  When I would ask for a minute because I was having a contraction they would look at the monitor and tell me that I wasn't.  Yeah, it was great.

Soon enough Jeremy and I were taken to the Operating Room.  A cold, sterile room.  I couldn't believe my baby would be born here.  This was not at all what I had wanted or anticipated.  As she was being born, I got sick and was throwing up.  I remember hearing her cry and they lifted her up over the drape to show her to me.  I went to touch her and immediately they whisked her away.  I had to hear all about her from the anesthesiologist.  It broke my heart.

My first real looks of Emma were from a bed where I was watching her be bathed by a Nurse that I didn't like.  Everyone else got to hold her, touch her, smell her before I did.  She didn't get to be with me until she was about an hour old.  Nothing about this felt right.

I couldn't sit up for 12 hours after she was born.  Because I was flat on my back, it was difficult to nurse and I couldn't get a good look at her.  When I could sit up, the nurses would come in and ask me constantly if she'd pooped, peed, eaten, wanting to check my vitals, her vitals, etc. etc. etc.

After 3 days I was so happy to be released from the prison of the hospital. When we got home, I started digesting her birth.  So many things I wished I could have changed.  So many things I felt so cheated on.  Emma's birth was a catalyst for change in my life.  I knew that I would never give birth like that again.  I knew I would never let someone else tell me what I could and couldn't do with my body and my baby.  It was the beginning of my journey.

To be continued...

Positive/Negative/HUH??

I have taken a lot of pregnancy tests...a lot.  There is something about peeing on a stick and watching it do something that is just so fun!  Every time I have peed on said stick, I have wanted the same thing, to be pregnant. 

Only a few times have I gotten a response I didn't want.  But it never took long and I got the two lines, or the plus sign, or whatever the almight test deemed a positive answer.

This week, however, I got an answer I didn't really want.  Not yet at least.  I am tired, I have mentioned this before.  And, while I know I am not done having babies, I also know that I just can't handle another right now (or in 9 months).

So, when I took the Equate (Walmart brand) pregnancy test yesterday and it came back positive (faint line, but still positive) I cried.  I cried because I just didn't think I could handle this.  I told my husband, 3 good friends and my Mom.  My folks were ready to move out here to help me, one friend came over with cupcakes and Dr. Pepper.  I started to feel ok about it.

This morning I went to the doctor.  I had an appointment for my yearly exam and to get an IUD.  The irony was not lost on me at all.  I told her that I had taken 2 tests yesterday and they both came back positive, so they did another test.  This one was negative. HUH?  She then had blood drawn to check my hCG levels.  The lab was super fast and the results came back within 2 hours.  Negative.  My hCG levels were at like a 2 and to have a positive pregnancy test they have to be at 100.  HUH???

I have always thought that you could get a false negative, but not a false positive.  I have taken another test, this time a fancy schmancy digital one that says, "NOT PREGNANT".  Ok, starting to believe it...but what if???  To say this has been an emotional roller coaster is an understatement. 

So, it looks like I'm not and really I am happy.  I want to get in shape, I want to be healthier, I want to get some sleep before having another baby.  I want need to be in a better place, emotionally/mentally/physically/spiritually, before I get pregnant again.  So really, this is a good thing, really.

But there is a part of me, a small part, that is a little disappointed.  Because really, who doesn't love a baby?