Friday, August 19, 2011

4 More Days.

Mom? How many more days until school starts?
I don't know sweetie.
Can you count?
PLEASE MOM! I can't wait for school to start, PLEASE count the days! PLEASE!

This dialogue has been on repeat all Summer.  My answer has been the same everyday until August 1. I wouldn't count the days.  It's not because I am morally opposed to counting down the days to school.  It is not because I don't want my kids to start school.  It is not because I am lazy, or mean, or anything else.

It is because school starts on August 23 and I don't want to know how many more days until August 23.

I don't want to know how many more days until the day I dread more than any other has come and smacked me in the face.  I don't want to know how many more days until another year has gone by since my daughter died.

And yet, here it is.

Tuesday is August 23.  The day my kids can't wait for, and the day I dread.  Three of my five children will be gone from me on that day.  The one day I want all my family close to me and I can't have them.  The day that my heart breaks into a million pieces all over again.  And it will just be me, Libby and Elliott. 

I will put on a smile for my children as they go to school.  I will encourage their excitement of the day, and pray that they have a wonderful first day of school.

And then I will come home, eat brownies for breakfast and cry.