He loves me, but I don't.
I wonder how long he will put up with me and my negativity towards myself.
My gut tells me it won't be much longer.
Look at her, she has had 4 kids, her stomach is flat and her boobs are perfect. What is your excuse?
Look at her, she talks so kindly to her children even when they make her crazy. Why can't you?
Look there, your neighbor's house is perfectly clean. She gets things done. What is wrong with you?
They have classes at 6:30 am at the gym because people GO. What is your deal?
Why are you so loud? Why are you so fat? Why are you so embarrassing to everyone around you? Why do you keep eating things that will just make you fatter? Why won't you change?
This is the constant dialogue happening in my head. I am always comparing myself to others, knowing I am not good enough.
When we were in New York, Jeremy mentioned that he hadn't heard me say a nice thing about myself the entire time we were there. I told him it was because I was surrounded by beautiful thin people in New York. He laughed and asked if I was in the same place he was. He started pointing out all the overweight, not so beautiful people (because there were some very beautiful overweight people too). I didn't want to see them. I wanted to know I was right, that I was the big slob who was ugly and fat and so undesirable.
Then this week, it was as if Brittany crawled into my mind. She voiced what I feel. She brought my innermost feelings to life and gave me the courage to really look at myself.
Although, truth be told, I still think she is smokin' hot and I am just a fat slob.
I have never had a super great self-esteem. I always felt too fat, too ugly, my nose was too flat, my breasts were too small, my hips were too big, my thighs were too big, my hair wasn't straight enough, my hair wasn't curly enough, I wasn't pretty enough, I wasn't smart enough, I just wasn't enough.
I had this misconception that I would become an adult and all these insecurities would magically disappear. I would find a man who loved me and it would be like a movie, I would get swept off my feet and be happy forever.
It didn't happen like that. I found a man who loved me (he still does by the way), he loves all my curves, stretch marks, crows feet, everything. But I found that it doesn't matter how much he loves me, if I can't love myself.
He tells me something needs to change NOW. I have 3 children who watch me and listen to me. I don't want my girls to grow up with body issues. I don't want it to hurt my feelings when my children tell me I am fat because it's true. The truth hurts.
I want to walk down the street confident and know that my body is mine. I am unique and special and there are so many great things about me. I don't want to struggle for words when someone asks me what my favorite part of my body is, because I can't think of anything.
I want to know that I am trying to improve and be a better person. I want to know that just because I am not 100% organized right now, my house isn't clean right now, or my children are making me crazy right now, I am not any less of a woman/wife/mother. I want to know that I am trying, right along with everyone else.
Today I am embarking on a journey of Self Love. I have joined the 40 Day Inner Mean Girl Cleanse. For six weeks I am going to be a Self-Love Ambassador and do exercises to help put a muzzle on the mean girl inside of me. I picture her as that bratty girl I knew (and we all knew at least one!) in Jr. High and she is finally going away.
I am just so.tired. I am tired of feeling so terrible all the time. I am tired of putting on a happy face for others when I am dying on the inside. I am tired of being embarrassed of myself and my children and not being able to just enjoy my life, my family, my home.
Who wants to join me? Come on this adventure with me. I am starting to change, love myself, and I know when that happens, I will start to appreciate my body, my family, my life.
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