Your brother and sisters and I watched this video today. They were full of questions about you. They tell me they miss you, but they really have no idea.
They wanted to know if I took any videos of you when you died. Was that the day you died? Was that before you died? Did I know you were going to die?
No, yes, no. Those were my answers.
Amelia wanted to know what you ate. I told her you nursed a lot. "Where are the videos or pictures of that?", she asked. I don't have any.
The pictures end way too soon. I look at these videos and pictures and barely recognize myself. I wonder what kind of a Mama I would have been had you lived. I wonder a lot about what my life would be like if you were still here.
You should be starting 2nd grade today with your brother. You two should be walking to school together, being excited to see each other on the playground and in the lunch room. You should be telling me what you want to eat in your lunch tomorrow and playing with your sisters right now.
There are so many shoulds. You should be here. You should be here. You should be here.
I miss you. I love you.