Every season it happens. As I pack up the seasons clothing and get ready for a new season I think to myself "next time I put this on it is not going to fit, I will have lost so much weight and I will look amazing".
Then I do the same thing I always do. I eat. I eat sugar and sweets and carbs and nothing changes.
I am in desperate need of change. I am tired of being the same old same old. I know I can look and feel better, so why don't I? I can see in my head what I want and can look like. I know what it takes so why don't I just do it?
I am tired of beating myself up about this. I am tired of thinking of food as my constant enemy. I am tired of telling myself everyday, "Today is going to be the day I start this. Today I will eat only healthy foods, things that are good for my body, today is the day". I say this everyday and within HOURS people, HOURS I have shot myself in the foot and once I eat that piece of bread or oreo or whatever it is there is no turning back.
I need to make a change. I need to change the way my mind works about food. I want to be healthy and strong. I want that for my children. But the thing is, I am not afraid of death. I am not scared of dying. It doesn't matter that I have 3 beautiful children here and an awesome husband. I love them so much and want to be with them, but I know they'd be ok if anything happened to me. I am not afraid of dying...it feels like I'm more afraid of living.
I have failed at so many things in my life and feel that I am just failing at this. At this humongous thing that is in my thoughts all.the.time. I don't talk about it around my children, I don't want them to grow up with the food issues I have. But, what am I teaching them without saying a word? What am I teaching them by making cookies, brownies, zucchini bread, chocolate chip pancakes, buying oreos, ice cream, etc. etc. etc. What am I teaching them???
I am really tired of this battle and I just don't know what to do about it. I know I want to change. I joined a gym 2 weeks ago even. I just want to lose this weight. I want to feel better and have more energy for my children. I want to look better and feel more attractive. I look at so many Moms, at the park or at school, who are SO THIN and I want to run up to them and ask, HOW?!?! How did you get this way? How can I? Who will teach me?
This has really turned out to be diarrhea of the mouth, er fingers, but I needed to get it all out. I needed to tell you all that I am struggling. It's not in a way that I typically talk about. You're used to reading my struggles with missing Emma, or with my crazy children...but this is a struggle that is so deep inside of me and one that I battle every day of my life.
It's time for change, I just don't know how to do it. Any suggestions? Have you ever been in this situation? What did you do? What works and what doesn't?