Monday, September 21, 2009

Change, it's Time.

Every season it happens. As I pack up the seasons clothing and get ready for a new season I think to myself "next time I put this on it is not going to fit, I will have lost so much weight and I will look amazing".

Then I do the same thing I always do. I eat. I eat sugar and sweets and carbs and nothing changes.

I am in desperate need of change. I am tired of being the same old same old. I know I can look and feel better, so why don't I? I can see in my head what I want and can look like. I know what it takes so why don't I just do it?

I am tired of beating myself up about this. I am tired of thinking of food as my constant enemy. I am tired of telling myself everyday, "Today is going to be the day I start this. Today I will eat only healthy foods, things that are good for my body, today is the day". I say this everyday and within HOURS people, HOURS I have shot myself in the foot and once I eat that piece of bread or oreo or whatever it is there is no turning back.

I need to make a change. I need to change the way my mind works about food. I want to be healthy and strong. I want that for my children. But the thing is, I am not afraid of death. I am not scared of dying. It doesn't matter that I have 3 beautiful children here and an awesome husband. I love them so much and want to be with them, but I know they'd be ok if anything happened to me. I am not afraid of feels like I'm more afraid of living.

I have failed at so many things in my life and feel that I am just failing at this. At this humongous thing that is in my thoughts all.the.time. I don't talk about it around my children, I don't want them to grow up with the food issues I have. But, what am I teaching them without saying a word? What am I teaching them by making cookies, brownies, zucchini bread, chocolate chip pancakes, buying oreos, ice cream, etc. etc. etc. What am I teaching them???

I am really tired of this battle and I just don't know what to do about it. I know I want to change. I joined a gym 2 weeks ago even. I just want to lose this weight. I want to feel better and have more energy for my children. I want to look better and feel more attractive. I look at so many Moms, at the park or at school, who are SO THIN and I want to run up to them and ask, HOW?!?! How did you get this way? How can I? Who will teach me?

This has really turned out to be diarrhea of the mouth, er fingers, but I needed to get it all out. I needed to tell you all that I am struggling. It's not in a way that I typically talk about. You're used to reading my struggles with missing Emma, or with my crazy children...but this is a struggle that is so deep inside of me and one that I battle every day of my life.

It's time for change, I just don't know how to do it. Any suggestions? Have you ever been in this situation? What did you do? What works and what doesn't?


Haley said...

The thing that really brought me to terms with eating better was a very blunt, but helpful book called Skinny B!tch.

Yes, she does cuss, but she changed the way I thought about eating totally, and even with just little changes I've lost 15 lbs and kept it off.

Good luck girly.

I struggle with this too, everyday. Hopefully we can both beat our food demons.

You can do it!

Sharon said...

I could have written this post (in fact, I wrote something similar in my blog ( I think I need someone to help hold me accountable. My husband can't do I posted, he is an enabler. If I ask him to go get junk, the words are no sooner out of my mouth than he is out of the house on his way to get whatever I mentioned. It is NOT his fault..but mine. I just need someone who can help me say NO when I want to say EAT JUNK!

Midwest Mommy said...

The husband and I just started a program called P90X to try and lower my cholesterol. It is a 90 day program and for some reason seeing an end in sight made it easier for me to do it. We are following the diet and exercise plan and it is working after only two weeks. The first couple of days were really hard but I just kept that end in sight. The exercise plan is 12? dvds you rotate between. You will need a couple free weights (it's easier than the bands) and a pull up bar that cost about $35. I swear this is the only thing that is working for me. I feel stronger, healthier and I have lost 7 pounds in 2 weeks. Oh and we just bought it on ebay to save like half the cost.
Good luck. I hope you find a program that works for you.

kyslp said...

I have no sage advice - just empathy and hugs. I've been up and down and up and up and down and up up up...., It never gets any easier for me. The gym is a great start though. Good luck!

Kalli Ko said...

Blurgh, I have empathy. I've never really struggled with my weight and then after the Nub was born it was like what the crap is going on? I thought that since I'd been active and worked out the entire pregnancy it would just melt off. But it didn't. big surprise.

Anyway, what helped me shed a good 30 lbs was Weight Watchers. Tried and true. I went to meetings at first (they have ones you can bring your kids to) and then online (cheaper if you can do it without the support). Seriously saved my life.

TopHat said...

I know this struggle, too. It's like every woman in the ward has been training for a marathon. Earlier this month I decided to stop being a couch potato and get up and exercise. I did Tae Bo 3 days straight! Then I came down with mastitis. I felt like a failure because my body can't handle 45 minutes of cardio without me being put on bedrest! While I don't desire to run a marathon, I'd like for it to be an option, but it would just make me sick again. I've started trying to walk with my daughter in the Mei Tai. That's a little helpful. Walking is still technically cardio and I get out of the house in the evenings for 45 minutes, but I know I won't get the same results as the marathoners in the ward. Sigh.

twohig's said...

of course you are always welcome to come to me for advice on nutrition and exercise. If I can't remember stuff from training clients or from school, I am happy to look it up in some of my books. Your friend is right Weight Watchers is the ONLY program that is healthy and PROVEN to change eating patterns. It teaches healthy eating for life. I would highly recommend giving it a try.
I also took a training on Healthy Body Image. The class came with a workbook. I am happy to lend it to you.
I know the struggles....I am sorry you have to deal with it all on a daily basis.
hugs to you

Marly said...

For me its finding a friend to walk with. I just can't do it myself and right now I can't pay someone to make me exercise or teach me how to eat better. Also, when I exercise, I start not wanting all the junk. I have a treadmill and bike but am not always very good at doing it. But, if I have a friend I have to be accountable to, every morning, I can do it.
I totally could have written your post and if I don't start doing something soon, I know I'm going to get more depressed. I can see myself quitting pretty soon.

Kelly said...

Does it really need to be all or nothing? If failure is one cookie....I think you're setting yourself up for failure. What gets me in trouble isn't a's the third cookie that I have in a day. For me, success will come when I choose to have one cookie, and am satisfied physically and emotionally by that experience.

I will never be a stick thin person, even if I live only on diet coke like my MIL (who is skinny but NOT healthy). My genes just don't play out that way. I just want to have the energy and ability to run with my kids and do the activities that we want to do.

I would redefine success....and then set yourself up for success. Set a goal of being active for 15 minutes 3x a week...and then be consistent about that for two months. Then set a different goal.... Find something realistic and as you have little successes, the bigger goal of being healthier will come.

Elaine A. said...

If you are really struggling you need support. That is key. At least at first. Once you get going maybe not at much, but at first. Even if it's just an on-line community or omething like that.

A few years back I lost weight with Weight Watchers and the support was phenomenal. I lost 28 pounds (by working out as well). And it's not just the food, you will feel so much better if you get into a routine of some sort of physical activity too and you'll see your body change.

Anyway, I could blab on forever, especially since I'm going to need to get it together myself after this baby is born!

Good luck Kim, I know you can do it! : )

Sharon said...

Like the comments above show, most of us deal with this. I am in the same boat.
I tell myself that starting today I will not eat the junk the rest of the family eats. It does not work out that way.
My husband lays around all day reading and watching tv and eating chips and other junk and is skinny. I do ALL the chores and am usually always doing something around here and I can not lose a single pound. It is so unfair it is ridiculous!

BeautifulWreck said...

I could have written this post. Still looking for what works?

~Mendie~ said...

You just voiced what so many of us are going thru. I just wrote a post yesterday about struggling on my journey and feeling like I'm going nowhere. I need to incorporate some kind of physical exercise along with watching what I eat to see any results.

Don't be afraid to reach out and ask for support from any of us when you need it...sometimes the honesty and help from "strangers" is what helps us move on to a better self.

Hugs...stay strong and focus on all the things you are doing great and that might flow into areas you are struggling with.

Tiffany said...

Hi Love,
I am strugling with the same thing. I was actually thinking about it tonight on my way home as Trenton asked me when we get to go back to the gym. Why can't going to the gym be as exciting for me as it is for him? Why can't I just say no to the ice cream every night...and why in the world do I continue to make this stupid friendship bread every 10 days? It just has to click in the head. How to get it to click and really get the motivation?? I dont know. When I finally have a little "me" time, I figure I have to study or clean the house. Maybe we should just take one step at a time. Maybe try no sweet bread for a week, and only eat carbs if it is somehow included in our meal. Maybe pull out the stroller and go for a little walk why the boys are in school. What ever the little steps are we need to congratulate ourselves for them and stay positive. And remeber, we have born children and will never have the body we once had, and that is OK. It is all worth it, but yes, we can help ourselves and our children in being just a little more healthy. One step at a time and maybe we can do it together!

Nicole said...

I love you. I wish you were closer. You know me, I live this everyday.......I just want to stop the yoyo, down 10, up 15, down 30, up 10, up 20, down 5 *sigh*

Al_Pal said...

I highly recommend belly dancing, and dancing in general. WAY more fun than forced exercise, and totally effective cardio and strength if you do it long enough! Put on your favorite music & move your hips! Plus, it is a totally good core/abs workout! A friend taught me the basics years ago and it has made me much healthier, I think. Try circles in each direction, then try combining that for figure-8s. Do it in private if you're embarrassed, at first.
Granted, I have a hormonal advantage of not being a mom, so I'm a semi-fit size 12/14. BUT, I think this can be inspirational, in the sense that it doesn't make sense to be *skinny*, but instead to be on the small end of "plus"-sized. You can do the figure-8s with your shoulders, too.
I'm also really fortunate to be a SLOW eater, which 'they' all say is super-healthy. I also sometimes tell myself that if I really want cookies, I should bake them myself. I'm usually too lazy to! LOL. So, I only buy cookies on special occasions... like at the corner store when I'm drunk. Heh.

I can totally identify with being afraid of living, afraid of success. I think part of it is a fear that if I actually became REALLY successful, some of the meanies from school would come out of the woodwork to sh!t-talk me. Heh.

Good Luck!

Jen said...

Deciding to make the change is the first step! About 10 months ago, I was right there with you. I was nine months pregnant and weighed in at 210 pounds. Even after the six weeks post-partum I still weighed 192 lbs. I made a goal to lose the weight. I didn't want to spend much money and I had my kids all day, so I started jogging in my non-jogger style double stroller. Well, if you could call it jogging. It was pretty slow, but I was consistent and after a few weeks, it really was jogging. I also had little 5 lb. hand weights so I tried to do some strength training and did some crunches too.
I started keeping track of my calories on That way I had the flexibility for a treat, but wanted to choose mostly filling foods with protein and fiber.
I started watching The Biggest Loser and that really motivated me and gave me great tips.
Anyway, by August I was down to 152 which is 40 pounds down (58 since pregnancy high).
I kept a blog to keep myself motivated and write down tips and encouragement for others. I hope it helps:
Remember that every time you make a good choice to exercise or eat better, you are proving your strength. Focus on the positive.
Good luck reaching your goals!

Heather of the EO said...

You've gotten such great support and ideas here. I love blogging. I love your honesty. I love YOU.

Heather said...

You are SO not alone in this. I have struggled with this so much. A few years ago, I was seriously struggling with food addiction bordering on bulimia. It was a dark place. I mentioned it to a BIL and he asked if I was praying for help with it. He could have hit me over the head and I wouldn't have been more surprised. What? Pray about it? I was thinking I should just be able to fix this myself. I understood the principles of calories and physical activity....
My BIL gave me a book called "He Did Deliver Me From Bondage" that made a huge, life-changing impact for me and helped me change from the inside out, to make real, deep spiritual changes regarding how I felt about food, my body, etc.
From there I was led to Geneen Roth's books (she also has a website at I'd start with "Breaking Free From Emotional Eating." Her philosophy has made a HUGE impact on me.
Then, I ended up going to Weight Watchers and it was a fantastic tool to help with the physical realities of losing weight. But I don't think it would have been nearly as helpful if I hadn't gone through the process of changing attitudes and beliefs from the inside out. Basically, I would have lost weight but would have just been an unhappy skinny woman who still had major issues about loving herself instead of an unhappy fat woman.
I still have issues and now (after having a baby) I'm right back to having to deal with losing weight again. But I'm happier. I feel like I have a stronger core to turn to and a better body image and better food and eating related attitudes.
Wow that was long! I hope it helps. :)
I love ya and think you're wonderful and beautiful.

Sweetpea said...

Kim, oh how I understand what you are talking about! I have been overweight since I was about 6 or 7 years old and have tried SO many times to lose the weight and get healthy. I've just never stuck with anything, or the second I "mess up", I say forget it, I can't do this anymore.

About 4 years ago (!), Wesley was about 8 months old and I was the heaviest I had ever been. The combo of just having had a baby, being at home with the baby and inside most of the time (since he was a winter baby), and massive postpartum depression made it really easy to keep on almost all of my baby weight. I was miserable and uncomfortable. So, I decided to make a change. Looking back, I don't know exactly how I did it. I think the main thing is that I MADE A DECISION and I didn't give myself excuses. If I ate a few cookies, oh well. I didn't say, "I suck, I can't stick with this," I just said to myself, next time I'll have fruit, and I did. I didn't do all or nothing. I planned in treats, made sure I would not feel deprived at parties by choosing one or two desserts, instead of five. I cut out a lot of the processed foods that I was used to eating and starting incorporating more whole grains, fruits and veggies. And we starting eating meat only 3 times a week at dinner instead of every night. I worked out starting with 2 days a week, and moved to 5 times a week over the course of a few months. My workouts consisted of walking while pushing the stroller (with friends) for an hour and on the off days, doing yoga or pilates on DVD at home, before my baby woke up in the morning. I managed to lose about 45 pounds in one year this way. It was pretty awesome.

Of course, after that I got pregnant, had a baby, and kept some baby weight, and then gained a bit more. I didn't get all the way back up to my heaviest, but I was only 20 pounds below my heaviest. So, in January I decided I couldn't do it alone and I needed help. I joined Weight Watchers. I LOVE IT! It has really helped me address my emotions towards food and some of the reasons behind bad eating habits. Again, it really comes down to the decision. I have to think about it all the time, and rededicate myself every time I "slip up". But, I am also really loose with some things, and make sure I don't feel deprived or then I binge. I do work out a lot, which I have come to love. It's my me time. I workout for at least an hour 5-6 times a week. One way that helped me with this was having a jogging stroller to run or walk when I have my kids with me. (Yeah, I bought it from you and it has been my LIFE SAVER!) And I went to a class called Fit 4 Mamas (Stroller Strides) where you have your kids in stroller while you work out. These changes have been gradual, and have been hard. But so worth it. And I didn't just wake up and start working out 5 times a week, I did it little by little. I've learned so many tricks at Weight Watchers that have helped me so much. I've lost 37.4 pounds since January, and have another 15-20 to go. The main thing for me has been making my own health a priority. I don't let ANYTHING (okay, hardly anything) get in the way of my workouts. And I think about my decisions every day. When you get to the point where you are really done feeling unhappy about your body, you will make the decision, and you WILL be able to stick to it. You can, I know you can. I will be your cheerleader! So, that is my journey, sorry it's a novel. I would be happy to talk to you about it anytime, and share some tricks I've learned.

Sweetpea said...

I know I already wrote a book, but here are a few concrete tips I've learned that have made a world of difference:
-serve dinner from the stove, don't bring food to the table
-if you are doing to bake, give at least half away THAT DAY, like neighbors, ward members, family, whatever. Or freeze half of the dough. I make a batch of cookies and only bake 1 or 2 dozen and freeze the rest in 1 dozen batches so I can bake them when I need them. Then we still have homebaked treats once a week for family home evening, but only one day, and I only eat 2 and don't eat them all week.
-chew gum or eat mints when you start to feel full so you won't keep eating what is on your plate.
-measure your food so you are eating correct food portions
-get support, someone to talk to, someone to cheer you on (like me!) or someone to be a gym buddy or walking buddy
-when you crave a certain food, try to drink water first. Or try eating a fruit or veggie first. If you still want it after water and a healthy snack, go ahead and eat a small portion of the food you crave, then put it away. Where you won't be tempted to eat it again. Eat a mint after you have it.
-at a party or potluck, fill your plate with half veggies or fruit, one quarter lean protein, and then you only have a tiny room on your plate for a dessert or more high-calorie dish. Still have it, just a little bit.
-have your kids put their plates in the sink as soon as they are done, then spray it with water so you aren't tempted to eat it.
-plan in times to have treats, and enjoy them. Just make sure you have an actual serving size, then put them away. If you can't eat only a serving size of something, don't buy it.

Okay, seriously, I have tons of ideas, so call me or email me. And join Weight Watchers.

nicole said...

So I'm lucky and have not really struggled with this too much. Well, I should say I haven't struggled with weight too much. I gain weight with pregnancy, but then lose it pretty easily. I finally got into fitness last year, and that has made a huge difference in how I feel. But, I still eat crap. I am just not one of those people that naturally craves healthy food. I want to be that person, but I'm not. I just take it one day at a time. So if you eat something bad for you, recognize it, vow to make a better choice, and move on. It is not and never will be an all or nothing situation. One poor choice does not have to mean continuing poor choices. That is what I tell myself, whether it is about food or my prayer life or how I interact with my kids or whatever. Being honest and recognizing your struggle is certainly a step in the right direction. As for baking, if you enjoy the process, bake and then give it away!

Anonymous said...

Wow. I hope that you all feel beautiful. I think the pressure people give each other to be "perfect," women especially, doesn't help at all. What if you were already healthy for your age and beautiful?

I'm a husband and know that my wife is so beautiful. I try to tell her but it seems like she doesn't hear me. I think she tries too hard to please someone that doesn't exist. Women's bodies change. I love my wife. I just want her to be happy and it hurts to hear when she feels bad about being "overweight." I hope that other women see how beautiful they really are already--especially to someone that loves them.

I agree with needing support for something like this, but I also think that women put being truly healthy on "the backburner" instead of making it a priority. Cleaning, cooking, taking care of children, and so many other things are all put above being healthy. Pick a few top priorities, make sure they are being taken care of, be happy. If your priorities are out of sinc with your actions, then get help. Call a friend and schedule when you will walk or go to the gym. Talk to a personal coach or personal trainer. Can't afford it? Barter loaves of bread! My guess is that your friends would love to help. Knowledge is useless unless you add action--finding someone to be accountable to really helps. I had a friend that for a few months on a certain day I called him and told him what I was going to accomplish in the next 2-3 hours. If I got stuck, I could call him once. But I usually didn't have to call him again. At the end of the time period, I would call him to tell him what I had accomplished. This alone kept me on track--I am a big believer in getting support. I offer my support, too.

Last thing: I try to tell my wife "Taking care of yourself is not selfish." Take Care.