Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Depression Hurts

I feel empty. I can't open my eyes much less get up and out of bed. I don't want to do anything but just lay there and maybe watch tv...but even that is too taxing. I want to cry, but there are no tears, just emptiness.

My family flitters about me, everyone with their own story to tell. They chat, eat, laugh...all things I can't find the strength to do.

I am not even writing music right now. My piano and guitar sit, untouched. I am failing in school and I don't know what is wrong with me.

That is how it began. I was 21 and had hit bottom. I just didn't want to do anything. My Mom took me to our family practice doc and he put me on Prozac. I have been on a variety of anti-depressants for 11 years now. I have been in and out of therapist offices. I have struggled, some days more than others.

Looking back, I see that I have suffered from depression for as long as I can remember. As a kid I was told to "get off the stage" when I was upset about something. I am passionate and I felt things passionately. If my feelings got hurt it could send me into a tailspin of self loathing and pity parties like you've never seen. I thought that was normal. It wasn't until I was in college that I realized it wasn't.

I am in the midst of a full on depressive episode right now. It usually hits me this time of year. Even if I try to say everything is fine, my mind and body knows that it has been almost 6 years since it held Emma and that that is not okay. As much as I try to push it away and be the person everyone needs and expects me to be, it is not ok.

So forgive me if my posts are dark and raw and oh so very real. This is who I am and what I am feeling. I am going to go medicate with food, cause that is what I do and why I weigh what I weigh, but until I am ready to find a good therapist (which I'm not yet) I will continue to self-medicate with chocolate. Who will join me?

25 comments:

Midwest Mommy said...

Hugs.

Lolli said...

I will join you.

I am so sorry that this is something that you have to suffer with. Depression is so real and so consuming and it just plain stinks. Strangely, even though I don't have problems with depression (my weakness is horrible anxiety) August is always a tough time for me. It's always the time of year when I think I just can't take it any more. When the stress is too much for me to handle. When I feel empty spiritually and emotionally. And that's why Education week with my mom has been such a blessing and something that I will do every year for myself while I can. It boosts me in ways that nothing else can. I hope that you can start feeling yourself soon. But until then, lean on us!

I look forward to eating some chocolate with you next week. :)

Manic Mother said...

Aw, hang in there. If you ever need someone to talk to about it, I am here. Who cares if your blog is dark, as long as it represents you! I stopped writing and creating things to please my readers, and I now just write for me...it feels much better! I indulge in chocolate every day!

Deb said...

i'm in!

if it is any small comfort at all, i am here for you.

Pocklock said...

Hugs. Thinking of you.

Kelly said...

Dear friend, you know that chocolate is my thing too. Salt Lake has a vchocolates store that makes a fantastic chocolate covered caramel sprinkled with organic sea salt. Big hugs.

Stef said...

Thinking of you. I know this hurts.

Becky said...

I'm so sorry to hear that you're struggling right now. I think it takes tremendous courage to talk about it though and even acknowledge that you are having a difficult time. Hang in there!

Mama bee said...

Thinking of you Kim.

Tina E said...

Me! With a box or two of Little Debbie Swiss Rolls to boot. Do you think you could come to knit night just to get some female adult contact?

Erin said...

Please don't ever apologize for being real and human and hurting. It's okay. It's more than okay, and we'll be here for you. I have so much love in my heart you, Kim.

Carrie @ Who Knew? said...

I'm so sorry. I very much relate to this post. I suffer from depression and was 25 before I realized what the hell was wrong with me. Looking back it seems ridiculous: how did I miss it? I know that pain and vast emptiness.

And don't worry about your posts being dark. I am actually (thank the Lord) just coming out of my own depression and my blog definitely showed it.

As far as your daughter, I can only say how deeply sorry I am.

Take care.

AbeSaves said...

I will join you too. Don't ever worry about your posts being dark. If they are honest, that's what we want. I am right there with you my friend. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself right now. If that's chocolate, so be it. Sending you lots of love. xoxo

Motherboard said...

I can relate. Boy howdy, can I relate.

~motherboard

makinzee said...

I never understood a persons need to meditate with chocolate, until I had Jack. Now I understand and it got even better or worse of an addiction with Lexi. Love you Kim. Reachin' out an huggin' you right now.

makinzee said...

PS maybe you can make a quiche kanze?

Adventures In Babywearing said...

I'm thinking of you, wishing you could come for a visit and we could just sit and talk and hang out. Be real and raw. It will help.

Love,
Steph

Christy M. said...

Hugs and love, Kim. So much love. Let me know if there's anything I can do to make you smile. Would it make you feel better if you knew you were one of my very best hookers? Cuz you are.

Mommy Mo said...

Oh Kim. How my heart hurts for you, how my heart hurts that it has been 6 years since you held Emma. Big hugs sweet friend, and yes, I will join you in the chocolate fest.

april said...

You don't have to ask for forgiveness! This is your blog! Hugs, Kim.

AFarCryFromNormal said...

So sorry your heart is aching! I have it too but for other reasons. Be real, tell it like it is, honor is, embrace it, share it and you will be ok. Lean on those around you to lift you up! Sending your virtual hugs and chocolate. I didn't lose a daughter as you did but I had 2 very sad miscarriages that have definantly changed me. Every Jan 5 and April 12 my heart stops for just a moment and I wish that it didn't have to happen. GOD bless you during this time! Keep sharing. Let it out! We will all bear you up!

fireworks.sparkle.rainbow said...

Hi Prairie Mama! I just wanted you to know, that I too, suffer with severe depression. Its just nice to know that I'm not the only one who goes through the same thing. I'm here to support you! I think you're an awesome person (based on your blog of course) and your parenting skills seem to be spectacular! I'm sending good vibes your way in hopes that the depression will lift a little.

Would you mind visiting my blog? I'm a little more dark, in the sense that I feel that my depression controls my every move. But I write to get it out!

The Golden Star said...

Beloved sweet friend, your openness and pain is inviting. Inviting to be real. To let things out. Sure do love you!

Sweetpea said...

Oh Kim,
I can empathize with some of your feelings of depression. I have struggled with depression most of my life, as well. Maybe that is why I was always drawn to you! Finding a good therapist is such an important part of of healing. I'm not currently in therapy right now, but should be. Anyhow, I am sending love your way. I don't have any amazing insights, just know that someone out here may understand some of how you feel (I know I can't understand it all, because I'm not you and I've never lost a child.) I just wanted you to know that I care about you.

And chocolate is one of the best things that ever happened to the world.

Jen said...

I'm sorry that your struggling right now. I can only imagine what you must be feeling. I'm sure that you're helping others by blogging honestly about it. I pray you'll feel better soon.