I feel empty. I can't open my eyes much less get up and out of bed. I don't want to do anything but just lay there and maybe watch tv...but even that is too taxing. I want to cry, but there are no tears, just emptiness.
My family flitters about me, everyone with their own story to tell. They chat, eat, laugh...all things I can't find the strength to do.
I am not even writing music right now. My piano and guitar sit, untouched. I am failing in school and I don't know what is wrong with me.
That is how it began. I was 21 and had hit bottom. I just didn't want to do anything. My Mom took me to our family practice doc and he put me on Prozac. I have been on a variety of anti-depressants for 11 years now. I have been in and out of therapist offices. I have struggled, some days more than others.
Looking back, I see that I have suffered from depression for as long as I can remember. As a kid I was told to "get off the stage" when I was upset about something. I am passionate and I felt things passionately. If my feelings got hurt it could send me into a tailspin of self loathing and pity parties like you've never seen. I thought that was normal. It wasn't until I was in college that I realized it wasn't.
I am in the midst of a full on depressive episode right now. It usually hits me this time of year. Even if I try to say everything is fine, my mind and body knows that it has been almost 6 years since it held Emma and that that is not okay. As much as I try to push it away and be the person everyone needs and expects me to be, it is not ok.
So forgive me if my posts are dark and raw and oh so very real. This is who I am and what I am feeling. I am going to go medicate with food, cause that is what I do and why I weigh what I weigh, but until I am ready to find a good therapist (which I'm not yet) I will continue to self-medicate with chocolate. Who will join me?