Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Sometimes it just hurts.
Liberty is so small that she can wear most of Emma's clothes. This is bittersweet. Sometimes it makes my heart ache so much that I think it will burst. Other times, I just smile as I remember the times that my other sweet baby girl wore it. I took these pictures of Libby on Thursday. I can not believe how much she looks like her big sissy.
I think that Seth can sense when I am really missing Emma. I didn't say anything about it the other day, was just thinking it and he came up, gave me a hug, and said, "Mama, I really miss Emma". Somedays it is just so hard. Others, I can breathe a lot easier. Just goes to show it never ends. People who told me that I just needed to get over it, or give it time it won't hurt anymore, they just don't understand the magnitude of the grief of losing a child. It doesn't matter what happens in your life...there is always something missing.
We are having family pictures taken next month. Typically this is something that is hard for me as my whole family is never there. We have 2 different family pictures; ones with Emma and ones without. Kind of hard. Ok, really hard.
However, we are having our pictures done by Shelly Geller. What makes her so special is that she understands the loss we feel. Her sweet boy, James, died 3 years ago this month. He was 22 months old. He is the same age as Seth. I hold Seth a lot tighter when I think about Shelly wishing she could be holding James. He was also their oldest. She tries to incorporate the child that has died into the pictures in some way. Check out this photo session she did for an expectant Mom who had just lost her daughter 9 months previous. If you look carefully, you will see Lucy's name in the photos. Just lovely.
I know it could be worse. I heard a story of a woman in World War II Prussia whose husband died. She had to travel with her 7, 5, 3 year olds and new born baby to Germany for safety, as she was German. They left in late summer and by the time she reached Germany, she had buried all 4 of her children. To dig 3 of the graves, she had to use a tablespoon. For the last grave, that of her infant, she had no spoon so she dug through the frozen ground with her hands. When she arrived in Germany she was severely emaciated and close to starvation.
When burying her baby girl, she had thoughts of killing herself. She had nothing left. She felt the Lord telling her to pray. And she did. She prayed with all of her might. Her faith led her through this most difficult challenge.
My faith does the same. It keeps me here. It gives me hope. It helps me when I think my heart will literally break in two. My faith. So, while sometimes it just hurts so much, I pause to reflect on all that I do have, all the blessings I have, and I know I can make it through one more day. One day closer to being with all of my children and my husband. One day closer to Heaven.