Fame

When I was a little girl I wanted to be famous. Not just a little famous, but famous. I just knew if I entered the contest in Bop or Tiger Beat Magazines, I would win, go to Hollywood, meet Alyssa Milano, become her best friend, and get discovered. I knew this. There was no doubt in my head. I was going to be big. I was going to be famous.

When I didn't win the contests (did anyone really?) I realized that maybe that wasn't the right famous for me. Maybe I wasn't supposed to be an actress. Despite my natural inclination for drama (don't believe me? Ask anyone who knows me, they'll tell you), maybe that wasn't the right path for me.

My sister could sing. She could sing like no other. I figured that since we were sisters I could sing too. And I can. Just not like her. I thought I was a soprano because she was. So I tried to sing like her. I tried to have the high crystal-clear voice that my sister had. But I couldn't because I didn't. So maybe I wasn't supposed to sing.

Except I really loved drama and I really loved to sing. I had to find a way to make it work for me.

I was in drama in Jr. High and High School. I participated in debate and forensics in High School and actually took 7th place in the state my freshman year -- my event was dramatic interpretation -- shocking, I know. I was acting and it was fun. Sure I wasn't hobnobbing with Alyssa Milano, but that was ok. I was having FUN!

Then there was singing. You have to understand, my whole family sings. My folks both have really nice voices and would sing duets in church. My Mom and my Sister would sing in church. I would watch. I would try, but I would always watch. Then in 7th grade, I had a music teacher, Mrs. Morris, who put me in her choir as an alto. An ALTO?!?! I was appauled. Everyone knows that the really great singers are sopranos. I mean come on, WHO wants to listen to an alto? Well, she was right and I flourished! My Mom re-introduced me to Karen Carpenter, and my whole world changed. I had a new confidence I didn't have before. I realized that just because I wasn't just like my sister, my voice was good in its own right.

But, I still wanted to be famous. I thought for sure that my life would be complete if I were on Mickey Mouse Club (yeah, we all know how that turns out) and dating one or all of the New Kids on the Block (thank you Jr. High fantasies!). The people in my fantasies changed, but the core of the fantasy remained the same. I wanted to be known.

Maybe it's growing up in a large family, having 3 older siblings that very often (in one way or another) were in the limelight. I just wanted to be seen, to be given more attention. I don't know. All I know that it was all my heart craved and desired.

In College I made a C.D. I had the talents of writing lyrics and music. I thought that this was to be my destiny. So sent it to numerous record agencies in Nashville, but the only people who really loved it were my family.

Then I met the most amazing man. He wasn't perfect, but was perfect for me. He gave me attention, I was famous to him. We got married, had 4 kids and are still really happy.

So...what is all of this rambling about? Well, fame. It doesn't matter that I am almost 32 years old. I find I still want it.

Now though, it's about blogging. I want to be a better blogger. I have been blogging since right after Amelia was born, 2.5 years ago. It has been causing quite the struggle in my heart over the last few months. I started blogging because I thought I had something cool to offer the world. I was knitting and showing off my great knitting and my cute kids and their antics and still my biggest (and only) fans were my family. Through the last 2 years, I have found many amazing blogs. And I have loved reading all of them. I get a little, ahem, jealous of blogs that have a lot of readers. I don't know what the secret is. I have wanted to have followings like Stephanie, Steph, Amanda , Courtney or Gabrielle. It has been eating me up inside.

I can't let it do that anymore. Just like my drama and music, I have found a place for it in my life. Sure, I am not famous by any stretch of the imagination, but when I tell my kids stories and act them out -- they think I am. When I sing them songs, they think I am the best singer in the world.

So, what does that mean for this here little blog? Well, I might not be famous but I am going to take advice from younger me and just have fun with it. That is why I started, to have fun. I wanted a place to talk about my kids and what they're doing. If the only people who read this blog are my family and few friends, that's ok with me. If that means I don't get money for blogging, or have opportunities to go to conferences with others sponsoring me, that's ok too. I'm famous to my kids and that is all that matters.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a diaper to change and a battle with Mace Windu to pursue.