This time of year causes me to think a lot. Really important moments in Emma's life I remember. I remember the day I had my baby shower (November 23), the day I found out she was breech (November 22) and how many weeks pregnant I was (34...she dropped at 33 weeks). I can tell you what I did the day before she was born and the day she was born. I can tell you that 4 years ago today I was still in the hospital, we went home on the 18th. When we got home from the hospital there was a big banner on my garage door, from my old roommates, welcoming Emma home. I remember things that I did with Emma, just every day things...I am glad for that. However, sometimes it is hard. I remember what I did on my birthday, the one birthday I had with her alive. I think it's because when she died my everyday life was not so everyday. I had to search my memory and burn those memories. I don't want to forget anything.
So, here are some things I miss about Emma. I miss the way she smelled. I haven't used the same baby wash on my other kiddos that I used on her...I just can't. I miss smelling her and kissing her neck. I miss the way she would smile so easily. I miss that she had my eyes. Of my 3 children she is the only one that looked like me. I miss that she would crawl up to me in the morning and whisper and play with my face to wake me. I miss that I could calm her by singing to her. I miss watching her crawl and try to find me. I miss her squeal of joy when she saw her Daddy. I miss her little voice saying, "dadadadadada". I miss those eyes. I miss the way she..oh I just miss her.
I often wonder if I will forever have this hole in my soul? This hole that only Emma can fill? Will every wonderful moment be overshadowed for me by the fact that it would be better if Emma were there? If she were there with me? That is how it is right now. Every time something wonderful happens, I grieve for my Emma. When Seth and Amelia were born, I was thrilled...but shortly after, I cried that their sister didn't get to be here in the flesh with them. I know she was there when they were born, I felt her. But, I really do wish they could all grow up together.
Ugh..it's late, the kids will wake early, I better go to bed...I am just missing Emma.