Perfect

I had a moment in my life that was perfect.  I had a time when I was completely happy.  I had a time when I held everything I ever wanted in my hands.

My family was whole and complete.  Those I loved so deeply were close.  I held my baby in my arms, nursed her at my breast, slept with her by my side.  I envisioned her growing up, becoming a big sister and adding more babies to our family.

I made her a stocking on her 2nd birthday.  She had been gone for over a year.

Seth asked me the other day why Santa brings her gifts if she is dead.  I told him she doesn't get gifts from Santa.  "So why does she have a stocking then?".

I teared up.  Jeremy answered, "because she is part of our family".

I miss that moment when my life was perfect. When I had everything I ever wanted.  When I had the most important thing of all...hope.

I miss that time when I held everything in my hands.  Now, no matter what I hold, it will never be enough.  It will never be her.