She is 9.

Finishing up my trip at Target I heard a Mother say, "Greta, Emma, come over here".  As I always do, I turned to see how old this Emma was.  My eyes met those of a little girl, brown hair, blue eyes.  I asked how old she was. Her Mom responded she just turned 9.  My heart sunk a little.  I put on the smile I always do.  The one that is intended to be sure no one feels bad by what I am about to say.  I have an Emma also.  She would be 9 tomorrow but passed away as a baby.  Her Mother tears up.  I look into these beautiful blue eyes and tell her she is very special.  She has a very special name.  Thank you, her Mother mouths to me.

I walk away and cry.

I miss her so much it hurts. I miss her so much I want to punch things and cry, and eat away my pain.  I want to write over and over how desperately I wish she were here, as if my words could bring her back.  As if my tears and words could erase the last 8 years I have lived without her.  I don't want her here as a baby. I want her here as an almost 9 year old.

I want to know what a sassy 3 year old Emma would have been like.  I want to know what she would have worn her first day of Kindergarten.  I want to know if she would be as boy crazy as her little sister.  I want to know what music she would like, what movies, what sports, what toys.

I wandered the aisles of Walmart recently searching for something a 9 year old girl would like.  Up to this point I have felt pretty confident in buying her gifts.  First baby toys, then toddler, then preschool.  Next we entered the school age phase; dolls, barbies, books, board games.  Now though she is entering the tweens.  What to buy for this little girl who is not a little girl and not a teenager yet?  I called my dear friend Nicole to ask what her daughter (who is 3 weeks older than Emma and is Seth's best friend) would like.  She didn't answer so I was left to my own devices.

As I searched the aisles, I came upon the craft section.  Make your own jewelry kit, make your own cards and stamp kit.  Yes. Yes, that is what she would like.

I wish I knew. I wish she were here. I wish I could have the struggle of separating Christmas and her birthday.  I wish I had the challenge of making sure her day was so special and not just another day in the hubub before Christmas.  I wish, i wish, i wish.

My darling Emma....

Happy birthday baby girl.  9 years ago today you made your entrance into the world.  You were so determined to come feet first and have given me my Emma tattoo - my c-section scar.  You taught me so much about being a Mother, balancing Motherhood and being a wife, about myself.  You helped me to realize I am stronger than I ever thought possible.  I credit you for me finding my voice in writing.  It is through your life and death that I have learned to love your siblings so fiercely and intensely.

I miss you so much.  I wish you could blow out the candles today.  I wish I could know your mischievous side, your sweet side, your not so nice side...I wish I could know you.

You are my first, you are always in my heart, you are my special Angel and I love you more than anyone could ever understand.

I love you a million times over. You are my special Angel.

Love,
Mama