I had a moment in my life that was perfect. I had a time when I was completely happy. I had a time when I held everything I ever wanted in my hands.
My family was whole and complete. Those I loved so deeply were close. I held my baby in my arms, nursed her at my breast, slept with her by my side. I envisioned her growing up, becoming a big sister and adding more babies to our family.
I made her a stocking on her 2nd birthday. She had been gone for over a year.
Seth asked me the other day why Santa brings her gifts if she is dead. I told him she doesn't get gifts from Santa. "So why does she have a stocking then?".
I teared up. Jeremy answered, "because she is part of our family".
I miss that moment when my life was perfect. When I had everything I ever wanted. When I had the most important thing of all...hope.
I miss that time when I held everything in my hands. Now, no matter what I hold, it will never be enough. It will never be her.