Thursday, October 29, 2009
I have been putting this off for some time now. I know you're curious, but I really don't want to get into it. I know that you care and so you want to know. I know that when I hear of something similar, I want to know also.
I know you want to know about Emma. I see what people search for on my site. The most popular searches are "Emma Death" and "How did Emma die?". I won't lie to you, it stings. I don't like seeing that that is what people want to read about here.
I understand you're curious. Really, I do. It is not often that a baby dies and when it happens we want to have answers, reasons why. We want to have comfort in knowing that it won't happen to us because of xyz.
I'm going to tell you a story. This story starts shortly after August 23, 2003. When Emma died I, like many grieving parents, needed to find some way to honor her memory, her life. Jeremy and I decided to start a website for grieving parents. It was specific to the LDS faith, but had visitors from all religions. We had a blog, we had a forum. I was helping others, and getting help back. It was good.
I wrote about Emma's life. I shared pictures of each month and wrote what she'd been doing that month. Lucky for me, I had it all written in her baby book, so I was able to copy it. In August it was no different...except it was.
I wrote about what happened to Emma. I wrote all of the details. It was there, on the internet, for the whole world to see. I never imagined anyone would judge me. I judged myself enough so I thought it didn't matter what anyone said. If I helped one person, it would be worth it.
About a year or so after I put this website up, I had an experience. I was at church talking to this woman. She then started to recount this "story" she'd read on the internet. It was a story of a baby dying. As she is telling me this story, I told her "that was me". She kept saying "no, no, no, this and that happened" I continued to tell her that it was me. This went on about 5 or 6 times at which point I looked at her with tears in my eyes and said, "That is ME that is my baby, that is my story". She gave me the most judgemental look and said, "oh." She then walked away.
I was so hurt, so ripped to shreds that I went home and took Emma's story down. When the time came to renew the website, I didn't. I just couldn't do it. I couldn't face that again. Like I said before, I hurt enough, felt guilty enough, and judged myself enough, I really didn't need anyone else doing it.
That is when I stopped telling everyone Emma's story. Because you see, it is not just her story, but it is mine.
So, I understand your curiosity, but please give me this. Let me have this one thing that I don't share. I don't share how she died with people in real life unless I know them very well. I am guarded. I will tell you this, Emma was perfect. She was happy with blue eyes that lit up when she saw her Mom and Dad. Emma loved to nurse, crawled so fast, and was ready to laugh. She had thick brown hair, creamy skin and a heart shaped strawberry mark between her eyes. She was born with a freckle on her low back and when I saw it for the first time, I told Jeremy that her husband would love it someday. She is my first baby and helped me learn how to be a Mother. She is my baby and I will continue to protect her and her memory.
I hope you understand. So please, please stop searching for Emma death and How Emma died. It kills me every time I see it.