She is 9.

Finishing up my trip at Target I heard a Mother say, "Greta, Emma, come over here".  As I always do, I turned to see how old this Emma was.  My eyes met those of a little girl, brown hair, blue eyes.  I asked how old she was. Her Mom responded she just turned 9.  My heart sunk a little.  I put on the smile I always do.  The one that is intended to be sure no one feels bad by what I am about to say.  I have an Emma also.  She would be 9 tomorrow but passed away as a baby.  Her Mother tears up.  I look into these beautiful blue eyes and tell her she is very special.  She has a very special name.  Thank you, her Mother mouths to me.

I walk away and cry.

I miss her so much it hurts. I miss her so much I want to punch things and cry, and eat away my pain.  I want to write over and over how desperately I wish she were here, as if my words could bring her back.  As if my tears and words could erase the last 8 years I have lived without her.  I don't want her here as a baby. I want her here as an almost 9 year old.

I want to know what a sassy 3 year old Emma would have been like.  I want to know what she would have worn her first day of Kindergarten.  I want to know if she would be as boy crazy as her little sister.  I want to know what music she would like, what movies, what sports, what toys.

I wandered the aisles of Walmart recently searching for something a 9 year old girl would like.  Up to this point I have felt pretty confident in buying her gifts.  First baby toys, then toddler, then preschool.  Next we entered the school age phase; dolls, barbies, books, board games.  Now though she is entering the tweens.  What to buy for this little girl who is not a little girl and not a teenager yet?  I called my dear friend Nicole to ask what her daughter (who is 3 weeks older than Emma and is Seth's best friend) would like.  She didn't answer so I was left to my own devices.

As I searched the aisles, I came upon the craft section.  Make your own jewelry kit, make your own cards and stamp kit.  Yes. Yes, that is what she would like.

I wish I knew. I wish she were here. I wish I could have the struggle of separating Christmas and her birthday.  I wish I had the challenge of making sure her day was so special and not just another day in the hubub before Christmas.  I wish, i wish, i wish.

My darling Emma....

Happy birthday baby girl.  9 years ago today you made your entrance into the world.  You were so determined to come feet first and have given me my Emma tattoo - my c-section scar.  You taught me so much about being a Mother, balancing Motherhood and being a wife, about myself.  You helped me to realize I am stronger than I ever thought possible.  I credit you for me finding my voice in writing.  It is through your life and death that I have learned to love your siblings so fiercely and intensely.

I miss you so much.  I wish you could blow out the candles today.  I wish I could know your mischievous side, your sweet side, your not so nice side...I wish I could know you.

You are my first, you are always in my heart, you are my special Angel and I love you more than anyone could ever understand.

I love you a million times over. You are my special Angel.

Love,
Mama

Just Writing

He is gone this week.  I always hate when he travels. Dishes, laundry, discipline, bedtime, school drop off, dinner, clean up, baths, trash...every thing falls on me.

He does so much.  I know and appreciate it when he is here.  When he is gone it is just so much more.

Bedtime was a battle last night. It always seems to be when I am doing it solo.  The balancing act of getting the baby and the 3 year old to bed at the same time.  I brush her teeth and read her stories while he gnaws at my shoulder and screams in my ear.

I tuck her in and assure her she doesn't have to sleep yet, just read some books in bed and I will come sing to you in a bit.  He is still screaming in my ear.

The big ones know what to do. Read some books, brush your teeth and Mama will tuck you in in a bit.

He fights going to sleep tonight. It is as if he has had just too much and his brain won't stop, he can't settle down. I know that feeling all too well.

We rock and sing. I hear the children playing and laughing. This irritates me because it means they are not settling down for the night and I have so much to do.  Cookies to make, dishes to wash, laundry to fold, and I still haven't showered for the day yet.

He finally succumbs to sleep and with the help of the heating pad warming his bed, I lay him down to slumber.  I pray it is for more than 3 hours.  Please give me 3 hours. Please.

The other 3 children are giggling and laughing and jumping on the bed. I break. I yell. They cry. I feel awful.  But I am so tired. Can't they see that?  Why can't they see how tired I am?  Oh yes, it is because they are 7, 5 and 3. They can't see past the end of their noses. I understand. I remember.

We snuggle, I sing. They snack, and finally sleep.

I go to make the cookies and I am out of sugar.  The baby wakes up.  It has been an hour and a half.  I sigh, pick him up, slip into bed and nurse him back to sleep.  I can make cookies tomorrow.  I can clean the kitchen tomorrow.

It is as if he knows I am in for a long night and need to rest now.  Maybe he knew his sister would be up all night with a tummy ache.  Maybe he knew I would sleep on pins and needles all night just waiting for the vomit to cover my bed.  Maybe he knew that, or maybe he just wanted to nurse.

Linking up with Heather and Just Write.

He's Getting Nothing for Christmas

What do you mean I don't get anything for Christmas????

It's not what you think. I love my baby, I really do.  Sure he doesn't like to sleep unless the boob is in his mouth, but what baby isn't like that?  Also he loves to scream at me, pull my hair and now bite me with his newly acquired tooth.

None of this means I love him any less or that he doesn't deserve presents in his stocking.  Oh wait, he doesn't have a stocking (yet).

When you're the youngest of 5, what toy could you possibly need? Seriously folks. We have had (or still have) just about every toy out there. He loves his Indestructibles Books, so he is getting 2 more of those, but that is it.

I am spending our Christmas money on the children who will appreciate (fingers crossed) the gifts they get and will remember this Christmas.

So, maybe I am a bit of a Scrooge, but my baby isn't getting any gifts this year.  And, I feel okay about that.

Do you buy gifts for your little babes? What are your favorite gifts for babies?

Parenting Advice is Like a Buffet

When I was pregnant with my first baby I really had no idea what I was doing.  By the time she was born, I had been an Aunt for 13 years and had 11 nieces and nephews.  But that second hand knowledge was nothing compared to what I needed to know for my child.

Everyone seemed to have an opinion on how to raise my baby.  Should I vaccinate or not?  Should I have a drug-free and medicinal birth?  Should I breastfeed or formula feed?  When should I start solid foods?  What kinds of baby shampoo should I use?  What is the best carseat/stroller combo? The list went on and on (and on…).

We decided on natural childbirth in a hospital with a midwife.  This was the best choice for us.  However, I heard constantly from those I worked with that it was not a great choice.  That there were drugs, I should use them.  That I wouldn’t be able to handle the pain.  That I shouldn’t try to be a hero.

When my baby was found to be footling breech, again I got advice from everyone about how to turn her, how a c-section wasn’t “that bad”, and whether I should try to turn her or not.

I remember in our childbirth classes the teacher telling us this.  When you are pregnant and a new parent you will get a lot of advice.  You will hear a lot of things that have worked for others and they will be really passionate about what they believe in.  Listen to everything.  Mull it over and like a great buffet table set with lots of different foods, choose the ones that seem best for you.

In my 9 years of parenting, this is what has worked.  As I come upon challenges with my children, I look for advice and I get a lot of unsolicited advice.  I ask other parents, read blogs and websites, take what I want and leave the rest.

There are so many opinions out there about everything.  There is no way I could implement every single thing that every person tells me to do.  I rely on my gut and do what is best for my family. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t and I have to try something different. But that is kind of what parenting is all about isn’t it?