I don't know about you, but sometimes life gets so busy, I am so tuned in with everything going on, that what is really important looks a little like this.

So, I am taking a day or two and unplugging completely.  No internet, no TV.  Just me and my kiddos.

I can't wait.

Something Good for the Weekend

I didn't want to leave the picture of my injured leg up all weekend.  So, I am giving you something good for the weekend...

Summer fun. Dirt digging, mud making, and children running in the hose water.

I love it.

Tell me something good for the weekend?  What are your plans?

Also...I have a new gig - I am working for Where Women Cook as their blogger now!  So, be sure to check me out over there every week!

Beware Of Piano Benches

It was an average morning in my household.  We were getting the children ready for school.  Packing up bags, fixing hair, and filling stomachs to ensure a great day of learning.

When out of nowhere, the Piano bench my daughter was sitting on shoved a piece of it's self into my leg.

Exhibit A:

A 1/2 inch piece of Piano Bench freshly torn off

Exhibit B:

Half of the Splinter that was extracted from my leg

 Exhibit C:

My leg after the splinter was removed using needles and a coring device.

 Exhibit D:

Injury to scale

So, I tell you this as your friend.  Beware of old piano benches.  You never know when they are going to get an attitude and want to hitch a ride in your leg.

This Public Service Announcement was brought to you by the hole in my leg and the limp in my walk.

Small Style :: First Day of School

The kids both picked out exactly what they wanted to wear on the first day of school.  There was no swaying them, or changing their minds.  They both have a definite sense of fashion!

 

The Kindergartener's and 1st Graders had an assembly the first day of school.  Amelia sat down with her class and a few minutes later another little girl joined her class wearing the same thing.  Instead of being mortified that she was wearing something someone else was wearing (thank Heavens we have a few years before that happens) she was so excited!!!  They had a couple of kids sitting between them, and by the time they got to me in the parade, they were standing next to each other.  Love how easily that girl makes friends.


Seth: 
Sommer Stallion Shirt - PTA Fundraiser
Carter's Shorts from Zulily
Shoes - New Balance from last year.  Waiting on the next paycheck for his new ones!
Backpack - Walmart from 2 years ago. Rock Chalk Jayhawk!


Amelia: 
Dress - Target
Shoes - Target
Backpack -Stephen Joseph from Baby Earth


And of course, Libby can not be forgotten.  She took as much time picking out her duds for the first day of school as the other two did.  She was just sad when she didn't get to stay.  We went to get a donut after and she told me, "Mama, donuts make my feelings feel better."  Oh baby, I know it ;)

Libby -
Shirt from Children's Place
Shorts - Kohls
Shoes - Target flip flops that she wears all the time!


I am linking up with Mama Loves Papa Small Style today.  Won't you play along?

First Day

I always loved the first day of school.  The smell of glue and markers and fresh crayons in the morning.  Finding out who was in my class, making new friends, doing new things.

It is no different for these two.

Best Friends

With 10 Kindergarten classes and 9 First Grade classes, this was about 1/3 of all the students in the Cafeteria for the K/1st morning assembly.  This school is HUGE!

 

They both went in without so much as a goodbye to their Mama and sister.  Libby asked, "Where is Melia? We need to go get her! She will be too sad and will miss us too much!"

Oh no baby girl, it is not she who will miss us, it is US who will miss her and your brother.

When we went to pick up the kids, Amelia was so tired, but had a fabulous day.  She didn't play with anyone at recess, still trying to figure out friends and where she fits - I know this because she is so much like me.  She loves her Teacher and even picked her flowers on the way home.

Seth, well, Seth had a Seth day at school.  This boy thrives on structure and routine.  Anyone who has ever had a first week of school knows that structure and routine are not what happen right away.  He is feeling pretty lousy right now, but he has a FABULOUS Teacher this year, she even called him tonight to chat with him after I shared some of my concerns with her in an email.

It is Teachers like this that will make this year so great for my kids.

How about you guys?  Have your kids started school?  What was the first day like for them?  I want to hear from everyone; public and homeschool Mamas, tell me your experiences!

August 23.

We were up at 6:30 this morning.  A buzz of excitement ran through the house like electricity.  Amelia got up easier than she ever has, as she is my girl who loves to sleep.  She was dressed and in my room to do her hair before I even had to ask.

They both looked so good...dressed in their favorite duds, ready for a new year for Seth and a first year for Amelia of school.

As we braved the traffic, the hoards of students (and parents) and made our way to the school, I couldn't help wondering how different my life could have, should have, would have been.

Today I should have been taking my 3 big kids to school.  I should have had to get up just a little bit earlier because I'd have 2 girls who needed their hair done. I should have had to stop at the stairs in the school to kiss Emma goodbye and wish her a great first day of 3rd grade.  Then I should have kissed Seth and Amelia and told them to watch for their big sister after school.

Instead, I kissed Seth goodbye, watched Amelia's Kindergarten parade, kissed her goodbye and wiped tears from Libby's eyes as she realized Amelia wasn't coming home with us.

Instead of waiting to hear about the first day of school from my 3 big kids, I will only hear about it from 2.

Instead of having an 8 year 8 month 8day old who is in 3rd grade, I have this.

I have a baby who stopped growing.  I have a daughter who I remember with all my heart and soul, but whose voice I have forgotten.

I have a piece of my soul that left me 8 years ago today.  I have a hole in my heart that will never be filled.  I have an ache in my arms that can not be cured.  My body feels a thirst for her that can not be quenched.

Emma has 4 siblings who don't get to play with her.  She has 2 brothers and 2 sisters who don't know what it is like to have an older sister here on this Earth.  She has 2 sisters who want nothing more than to play dolls, barbies, family and dressups with her.  She has a brother who wants to play Legos, Ninjas and Pirates with her.  She has a baby brother who wants her to hold him, make him giggle, and play with him.

She has a Mama and a Daddy who lost a part of themselves the day she died.  She has 2 Parents who would give the world to have her back in their arms again.

Today should have been much different than it was.  My picture files of her shouldn't have stopped on August 22, 2003.  My world should have kept going on August 23, 2003.  I should know what it's like to have her here.

I should know what she would look like.  I should know how dark and long her hair would be.  Would it be unruly like mine and Amelia's?  Would it be curly like her Aunt's?  Would she look as much like Jeremy's sister now as she did then?  Would she want to do dance or karate or swim?  Would she tan easily in the summer like her siblings?  Would she have Bieber Fever?  Would I be okay with it?  What kind of music would she like?  What would her taste in fashion be?  Who would be her best friend?  What kinds of secrets would they tell?  What games would she like?

I have these and a million other questions.  I think of these questions and then push them back down into the dark recesses of my heart.  It hurts too much to think about it.  It hurts too much to remember what is gone.  It hurts too much.  It hurts too much.  It hurts too much.

My daughter should have started 3rd grade today.  Instead, I am remembering the 8th anniversary of her death.

And I hate every moment of it.

Torn

It is amazing to me how so much of my heart can be stuck in one place

August 22, 2003...our last picture

And still be so present in another.

 

 

 Oh my heart. I love these people so much and they make tomorrow just a little bit easier.

4 More Days.

Mom? How many more days until school starts?
I don't know sweetie.
Can you count?
Nope.
PLEASE MOM! I can't wait for school to start, PLEASE count the days! PLEASE!

This dialogue has been on repeat all Summer.  My answer has been the same everyday until August 1. I wouldn't count the days.  It's not because I am morally opposed to counting down the days to school.  It is not because I don't want my kids to start school.  It is not because I am lazy, or mean, or anything else.

It is because school starts on August 23 and I don't want to know how many more days until August 23.

I don't want to know how many more days until the day I dread more than any other has come and smacked me in the face.  I don't want to know how many more days until another year has gone by since my daughter died.

And yet, here it is.

Tuesday is August 23.  The day my kids can't wait for, and the day I dread.  Three of my five children will be gone from me on that day.  The one day I want all my family close to me and I can't have them.  The day that my heart breaks into a million pieces all over again.  And it will just be me, Libby and Elliott. 

I will put on a smile for my children as they go to school.  I will encourage their excitement of the day, and pray that they have a wonderful first day of school.

And then I will come home, eat brownies for breakfast and cry.

Small Style :: Let's PLAY!

The weather has started to cool down a bit, it was only about 98F last night, so we have been taking advantage of the nice weather and playing outside again!

This one loves playing basketball with Daddy.  And by playing basketball, I mean bouncing the ball back and forth.  Look how patiently she is waiting for that ball!

This is my monkey.  We have a huge tree in our front yard, and he loves to climb it.  Once he's climbed it, he just jumps down, about 5 feet or so, to the ground.  No fear.

And this sweet girl is just so happy that she climbed the tree all by herself!!! But, when it came time to get down....she looked a little more like this:

And all that excitement of climbing the tree was gone :)  She made it down with Mama's help, and will try again, I am sure!

Now for the fashion part. I have to laugh when I write that because I am no fashionista, and really neither are my kids.  They just grab what they like and wear it.  It often makes for interesting combinations, especially with Libby.

On Seth:
Shirt - Kohls
Shorts - Grandma Made
Shoes - New Balance

On Libby:
Shirt - Jock's Nitch in Lawrence, KS (gotta have our Jayhawk Gear!)
Pants - Walmart
Shoes - Target

On Amelia:
Shirt - Old Navy
Skirt - Walmart
Attitude - all her!

I am linking up with Mama Loves Papa Small Style today.  You totally should join in the fun, what better excuse to take pictures of your kiddos??

*Also, please go read my newest post on breastfeeding.  I would love to have your thoughts.

If You Don't Breastfeed, I Won't Judge You

When I was pregnant with Emma, I went to childbirth classes, La Leche League meetings, and Attachment Parenting groups.  I knew what kind of a Mom I would be.  I would be a drug-free, intervention-free birther, a child led weaning breastfeeder, and would never yell at my kids.  I was going to be the best Mom ever, no doubt about it.

When Emma was born though, it was a different story.  She was footling breech, so I needed the expertise of a good Doctor to deliver her via C-Section.  She was a sleepy baby, so I came thisclose to using the formula the hospital gave me.  She didn't live long enough for me to lose my temper with her, but I am sure I would have.

In the last 9 years, my parenting has shifted, changed, and adapted to what is best for my children and my family.

I have always been blessed with an abundance of breastmilk.  Actually, I am blessed with an over abundance of breastmilk, which can be a problem in and of its self.

I am going to be brutally honest and tell you something.  When Emma and Seth were babies, I looked down my nose at those who were bottle feeding.  I thought to myself, "They just didn't try hard enough." or  "they are lazy and don't love their baby as much as I love mine, because I am giving my child the best" or "They just didn't have the right education or support because SURELY if they did, they would be breastfeeding".

While I am ashamed to admit it now, that was my attitude until Amelia was a baby.  I was at a La Leche League meeting when a Mom came in and was feeding her baby with a bottle.  I was a bit taken aback and was shocked that she would bring artificial nipples and BOTTLES into LLL.  Then, I looked at her baby.  Her baby had a cleft palate and couldn't nurse.  She pumped all the time to still give her baby breastmilk, it was just in a bottle.

My attitude started to shift.  I began to see Mamas giving their babies bottles a little differently.  I realized that just like no one knows my struggles and my story, I don't know theirs.  A bit of tolerance was born.

In the last 5 years, I have met MANY Mamas who try and try and try to breastfeed and for one reason or another, they just can't.  Either they don't have a great supply, they have to go back to work and can't afford a good pump, or they have health issues that keep them from breastfeeding.

When I got pregnant with Seth, I hated when people assumed that he was my first.  I hated that they assumed I knew nothing about having a baby.  I hated that people thought that Seth was the oldest...I still do actually.  But, that experience taught me to never judge by what I see on the outside.

There are Women who struggle with their decision to breastfeed or not.  But here is the thing, it is their decision, not ours.  It is not anyone's place to judge what someone else chooses for their family.  As long as it is not putting their children and family at risk, who are we to judge?

The breast vs. bottle debate is a big one and it has been going on for decades.  There have been Moms in both camps saying they are right and the other is wrong.  I feel that now, we are starting to actually listen to each other, and that we are learning that what is right for one person, might not be right for someone else.  We are listening and learning and growing together.

While I believe that unequivocally breast is best...I also believe that sometimes it isn't enough.  I know that I am very blessed to be able to nurse my babies and have them be healthy, happy, and thriving.  But, I am also not so naive as to believe that is the case for everyone. I know that there are women who try, and just can't. I know that there are women who don't even want to try and while I *cough* still have a hard time with that, I respect them and their choices they make for their families.  See, I can not agree with something you do, and still respect you and your choices.  Just like I would hope you would do for me.

No one likes to be judged. No one like assumptions to be made about them.  We will not make any headway in educating people about breastfeeding by being militant, close minded, and down right rude. Annie, from PhD in Parenting, just wrote an amazing post about this very issue.  Until we can stop yelling and stop judging, we won't get anywhere.

So, let's stop for a minute and listen.  We may be amazed what we will hear in the quiet.

Sweet Relief

You know when you have triple digit days every day for months on end and no rain for 3 months, and then it rains?

Yeah, it was just like that.

Thank Heavens for the rain, and please send more.

They Will Be Ok...and So Will I.

In just a matter of days I will have half as many children in my house.

While I am excited about the quiet that will bring, I am also nervous for Seth and Amelia and nervous for Libby and Me.

We have a nice groove going on here.  Everyone is used to everyone being in their business.  Libby's best friends are her brother and sister.  She is going to be lonely.  I will need to remember what it is like to have a 2 year old and a baby only again!  Amelia will be in all day Kindergarten, and will have more structure than she ever has.  Seth will be in 2nd grade and have to make all new friends this year.

When Seth started Kindergarten, I called it free preschool.  In Utah Kindergarten is 2 1/2 hours long.  It wasn't any big deal to me to have him gone for a bit of the day.  By the time I dropped him off, I had a little time to do a couple of things, and then it was right back to get him.  He had done preschool the Spring before Kindergarten, so I was accustomed to him being gone for a bit of the day.

Photo by Sarah Long, Joyful Photography

Amelia didn't do preschool.  We couldn't afford it, moved, had babies, etc.  There was always a reason as to why I should keep her out, so, besides dance and Sunday School, this is really her first formal schooling experience.

Photo by Heather Himmer

I worry about her.  I worry about how she will do.  What will she do when she's hungry in the middle of the day?  That girl is ALWAYS hungry.  She is also so sensitive and can (and does) cry at the drop of a hat.  I worry about her going, being with someone who doesn't know and love her like I do.  She has such a sweet spirit, and can get her feelings hurt very easily.  I want her to have a great experience, but I can't guarantee that.  It is hard giving up control over every interaction that she might have.

Photo by Heather Himmer

Seth has such a strong personality.  He is outgoing, strong willed, loud and opinionated.  He is loving, giving, happy, and energetic.  He has always had a difficult time with change and I am sure this year will be no different.  With 1100 students in their school, it is very unlikely that there will be anyone in his class he knows.  When there are 9 classes in his grade, the classes can be different every year.  I worry about how he will do having to make new friends again, and again, and again.

Photo by Sarah Long of Joyful Photography

I worry about these things and then I remember how resilient kids are.  They adapt, they change, they grow, they learn.  They know they always have me to come back to.  They know despite what happens at school, Mama is here to love them, listen, and help them.

As I am anticipating the start of school and the changes it will bring, I am thinking about ways to ease this transition for everyone.

I love walking home from school with the kids.  It gives us a chance to catch up and chat about their days.  I also love putting notes in their lunches.  Since Seth didn't take lunch until 1st grade, when he was already reading, I wrote little notes.  For my pre-reader Miss Amelia, I will draw little pictures for her. Something for her to get in the middle of the day from Mama.

Libby is going to need a little extra TLC with her best buddies gone all day.  So, I am planning on she and I having game time everyday.  It will be special Mama and Libby time where she can choose what we do, games, play-doh, reading books, whatever she wants.

Something else we do is have nightly chats.  I love this time when I can sit with my kids and just talk to them about their days.  I always ask what was your favorite part of the day and what was your least favorite part of the day?  This gives us a chance to really talk about what was going on that day.

I am hoping by having these ideas in place it will not only ease the transition for my kids but also for me.  Because I am going to miss having all my chicks in my nest.  I love my babies and love having them underfoot all day.  It is going to be hard to let go of them again, but I know they can do it and so can I.

But, I want to know, how do you encourage your kids in the not so easy times of life?  How do you encourage yourself when you don't want to let go, but know you have to?


This post is part of the Hallmark Life is a Special Occasion Campaign.  I am lucky enough to be blogging for Hallmark the rest of this year about different topics.  This month's theme is encouragement, and I couldn't think of a better way to talk about encouragement.  
Be sure to head over to Hallmark's site and sign up for their newsletters...you might even see me over there from time to time!
While I am compensated to write this post, as always the words are all mine and can not be bought.