Leaving Them

It is never easy for me to leave my children.

There, I said it.  It is hard for me to leave them.

I have anxiety.  It is particularly bad when I am not in control of a situation.

So, you can imagine what it does to me when I board an airplane and leave my 3 small children for days at a time.

I have no control over what is going to happen to them in my absence.  I have to completely trust someone else to love them, take care of them, and be everything to them that I am while I am gone.

I have always felt this way, but when Emma died, it just became that much worse.  When she died, I realized that I really had no control over anything when it comes to parenting.  It didn't matter what I did because if they are going to die, they are going to die.  The best I can do is give my children all the love, protection and guidance I can while I have them.

This is a really hard concept to learn and grasp.  It is something I struggle with daily and probably will my entire life.

On Tuesday morning I got up and did school with Seth and Amelia.  I also finished packing my bag to go to Blissdom.

I was filled with anxiety.  Even though I knew they would be fine, I was still so very worried and anxious about leaving them.

They are my babies.  I love them more than anything in the world.

My mind filled with what ifs....what if my airplane goes down? What if I get in a terrible car accident?  What if I never come home to them?  What will they remember about me?  Will they remember the day before when we had a terrible morning?  Or will they remember the thousands upon thousands of kisses, hugs, giggles and laughs?

When it was time, I choked back the tears, put on my sunglasses, kissed and hugged them and left.

After I arrived at the airport I called Jeremy.  I was feeling a bit choked up as I told him how much I missed him and Libby.  I told him how I was remembering the last time I was in the Austin airport, Libby was running in front of me dragging her little suitcase.  I started to get teary.  He laughed and said, "you are SO pregnant!"

It's true.  I have the pregnancy hormones.  But on top of that, I just really hate leaving my babies.

I love to be away and be with my friends, have time to recharge my batteries and be me.  But, at the same time, so much of me is wrapped up in being a Mama to my kiddos that sometimes I forget there is someone else in there.

I know this is the last time I will be leaving them for a while.  With the baby coming in a few short months, I won't be attending any more conferences for a while.  So, while it is hard to leave my babies behind, I am going to relish this bit of time for just me.

Redemption

On Monday I completely lost it.  I melted down.  I was a weeping, sobbing, yelling, cursing mess.  It was because I lost my keys.

Ok, not entirely because I lost my keys.

This tends to happen to me every so often.  I get so stressed out and just bottle everything up.  I pretend like everything is fine and then I just explode because there is no place to bottle it up anymore.

Seth has been fighting with me when it's time for school.  My Mom was visiting and, while I know she's not judging me, I felt like I was on display for the terrible homeschool Mom that I feel like I am.

I was stressed about helping him learn about ancient Egypt and subtraction and language and trying to keep the girls occupied and out of the way so he doesn't get distracted, and trying to be everything to everyone.

Finally, we were done with school.  I was exhausted and ready for a break.  We were going to go to the store.  Not a huge outing, but an outing none the less.

I couldn't find my keys.

They were no where to be found.

My frustration over the lost keys was compounded by the fact that we are still living out of boxes and there were boxes everywhere and kids toys scattered and books, and I couldn't walk two feet without my jeans I was wearing giving me a wedgie and tripping over a lego or sword or barbie.

I lost it.

I took away every single toy I could find.

All 3 kids were screaming and crying.

I huffed and puffed up the stairs and dropped it all in my closet to the chorus of, "No Mommy!!  NO!!!"

Then I changed into my yoga pants.

I sat down and started to sob.

I am tired.  I am pregnant (did you know that??) and I am overwhelmed with life.

It was one of the worst parenting moments of my life.  I did not hit anyone (I don't do that), but I was not nice.  I yelled, I screamed, I cried.

Then, I hugged each of them and told them they could earn back their toys if they cleaned their rooms.  We all started to calm down.

They went outside to play.  I sat down to calm myself.

My keys were found.

We went to the store and my Mom bought the kids new books.

I got some new items for homeschool and we all decided that we would try harder tomorrow.

And, lucky for me, I got a tomorrow to try again.

Blissdom '11 and Kleenex...making dreams come true!

I had come to terms with it.  I am not going to Blissdom.  Another year that I really want to go and it just isn't going to happen.  Last year I told myself that I was going to go this year.  I would make it work.  Jeremy would have just gotten his end of year bonus and I would be going.

Well, plans change as we all know.  Lost job, pregnancy, moving, Blissdom being right after we move...I just didn't see how it was going to happen.

I had come to terms with it.  Realized that it just wasn't in the cards and planned to stay home, school my kids, and read everyone elses posts about this amazing conference.

Then...the Conference Fairy showed up in my inbox.

Two Mondays ago, I got an email from Kleenex telling me about their new program, Softness Worth Sharing.  They wanted to send me to Blissdom as one of their Brand Ambassadors.

To say I was shocked is an understatement.  I was floored.  Jeremy and I were able to make it work

Today, I am headed to Nashville for 4 days.  You hear that???  FOUR DAYS with NO CHILDREN!!!!  I am going to Blissdom.  I am going to see so many of my amazing friends, and am going to learn so much.

I am going to get to talk to other Mamas about this thing we call Motherhood and plan on picking their brains about how to be softer in my dealings with my kidlets...especially when homeschooling.

I can't wait and am so grateful to Kleenex for this amazing opportunity!!!

Now, a little nitty gritty about this great new program from Kleenex.  You can go to the Kleenex website and send a box of tissue with a sweet little note to one of your besties. I sent one, but I won't say to who because it is someone I love that reads my blog and I want her to be surprised!!!  It's super easy and fun!

AND, if you're at Blissdom, be sure to stop by the Kleenex booth and send a Share Package to someone you love.


*Thank you so much to Kleenex for sending me to Blissdom and trusting me to represent them well.  While they are sending me, the words and sentiments are all mine!

Shalom!

Shortly before we moved, I knew that I was going to need a good knitting project for the car.

Three days in the car with 3 small people, a husband and a cat was sure to drive me batty and I needed something to keep me sane.

Knitting in the car

So, I went to Blazing Needles (an amazing yarn shop in Salt Lake City) and picked up 2 skeins of Cascade Ecological Yarn.  I love this stuff.  It is soft, durable and BEAUTIFUL.

I knew that we were moving somewhere that never saw the cold temperatures I was used to, so I needed to find a pattern that would work for "Winter" in Texas.

After searching and searching and searching on Ravelry, I decided on Shalom.  I love this pattern.  I am going to make myself another one for next year.  It is that great of a pattern.

I wear is sweater everywhere I go.  I wear it with long sleeve shirts and it is just perfect.

I have enough yarn left over that I think I will either make some longies for the baby for next winter, or a sweater for one of the kids.  I haven't decided yet.  I am still not sure I ever want to knit sweaters for my children again...not after last time.

So, here are the specifics:

Yarn: Cascade Eco+
Colorway: 2453
Needles: Knit Picks US 10
Pattern: Shalom

You can find me on Ravelry too, I am PrairieMama (go figure!)
If you make one for you, please let me know, it is such a fun, quick and easy knit.  Great for beginners!!

Oh and by the way....that's my 25 week belly.  First belly picture.  I am huge, I know. :)

Knowing

I woke up to him shaking my shoulders. 

I was crying, sobbing really. 

Tears soaked my pillow.

It was so real.  And then, relief.

It was a nightmare.

Amelia wasn't dead.  I wasn't sitting down writing her obituary.  I was in my bed sobbing for the daughter I love so much.

The tears then started again.  This time tears of relief.  Then replaced with tears of sorrow again for the nightmare I didn't get to wake up from.

The problem with knowing what a living nightmare feels like is that when the boogie man comes knocking on your door in the middle of the night, you don't know if it is real or not.

The problem with knowing the devastation of what it really feels like to have a dead child, is that those feelings can resurface at any moment, even in your dreams nightmares.

The problem with knowing...is that you know and can't ever forget what those gut wrenching sobs feel like. 

You may wake in the middle of the night sobbing like you did the day your child died, just sure another one has left you.

There are so many problems with knowing...and those are just a few.

PrairieMama Sponsor :: Cranky Pants

When I started cloth diapering 8 years ago, I quickly fell in love with wool and it's beneficial qualities.  I loved the way it absorbed and kept Emma cool and dry.

Emma in our favorite wool cover at the time, made by Stacinator.

There were options, but not very many fun ones.  I could get snap, velcro or pull on wool covers in a variety of colors, but they were all solid colors.  There was nothing that I could find that was fun or funky, or even that looked hand knit.

Shortly after Emma died, I started to knit.  The first thing I learned to knit, besides hats, were wool covers.  I spent many a day and evenings filling my empty hands knitting for the baby growing in my womb.  I knit solid and stripes, but nothing really interesting because my knitting skills were just so limited.

Amelia in one of the MANY diaper covers I knit.

I remember searching online for diaper covers and came across Crankypants in 2005.  This was when Seth was starting to walk, and I thought these would be SO cute on my little monster's bum.  However, our grad school income wouldn't allow me to pay someone what they deserved for well knit longies.  So, I admired them from afar.

Photo from Cranky Pants

Crankypants started in 2004 when being a broke stay at home mama collided with the realization that there were very few options for people who loved the idea of longies but wanted something a bit funkier than what was being offered at the time. With lots of hard work and the amazing power of mama word of mouth, Crankypants has grown and expanded to carry an assortment of gear for kids of all ages.  In 2008 we forged a Fair Trade Federation certified partnership with a knitting cooperative in Peru to keep Crankypants hand made and help foster economic development in that region.

My inspiration is, first and foremost, my own little beastie Henry, who is now 7.  He has a pretty wicked case of colic when he was a baby so I needed every opportunity for a giggle I could get.  When I'm designing a new product I like to think about what makes me crack a smile.  I firmly believe that keeping your sense of humor intact is sometimes the only thing that can save you as a parent and I hope that the goofy things I make can bring a tiny giggle to an otherwise challenging day.

My favorite things to create are one of a kind items that I know are going to be loved half to death by a kiddo or their parent.  I get emails from people who say something I made was "perfect" for a unique individual in their life and that is pretty much my favorite thing ever! 

 
 This fall when I went to the Type A Mom Conference, there was a Mom Market on the last morning.  I am always so excited to support Mama run businesses, because I know what it's like to run a business.  When I saw Crankypants I about peed my pants with excitement!!!!  For the last 5 years I had drooled over and coveted these longies, and there they were right in front of me!!!!

I still didn't have the money to spend on them, but I was thrilled to see that Amy had added lots of other homemade items to her shop!

From homemade undies for the littles, to juggling bags, and even ice packs for those poor men who get Vasectomies - everything Amy makes is just brilliant!

 

But our favorite item from Crankypants is Skinny.  Skinny is a little monster that I bought for my little Monster, Seth.

He is made from a sock and has tatted yarn for his eyes, mouth and on his ears.  Seth doesn't go to sleep without him, and has had to take him to school a few times to hang out in his backpack.

Skinny is the reason that our transition to Texas has been as smooth as it has.  He is something Seth can cling to, and I am so grateful for it.  He is another member of our family and we love him.

Thanks so much for amazing products Amy!  We love Crankypants and know you will too.  Click on the linky to the right, or on any of the links I have provided to purchase from Crankypants.  Not only will you be getting something one of a kind for your one of a kind kid, but you will be supporting another Mama and isn't that what we all love to do???

Caveman Paintings

I like this part of homeschool.

Homeschool, First Two Days

Two days.

Is that all it's been? 

Really?? 

Are you sure it's only Tuesday?

No, surely it is Friday because I am really ready for the week to be done.

Going into homeschooling I thought it was going to be sunshine and roses.  Ok, not really, but  I didn't think it would be this physically taxing.

Maybe it's the growing a human in my uterus part that is taxing also, but MAN ALIVE I am pooped!

I am trying to keep things really structured because I know that is what Seth needs.  Also, that way we are not doing "school" all day.

I am trying to keep Seth on track with his learning because, unlike many other homeschoolers, I was not unhappy with public school.  The only reason I am homeschooling right now is because we will (hopefully) be moving to a new house this summer, and I didn't want for Seth to have to bounce from school to school.   I don't know if he'll go to 2nd grade in a public school, or if we'll do it at home.

I just don't know that I have it in me to be an all the time homeschooler.  I am good at a lot of things, but I also need to know my limits.  While I can teach my children, and do it well, is it what is best for all of us?  I don't know.

I keep telling people we will take homeschooling 1 semester at a time.  Right now my goal is to get through everything before the baby is born.  Right now, I want for Seth to improve his math skills, reading, writing and comprehension.  So that is what I am focusing on with him.

Two days. 

People keep telling me it will get easier.

We will get in our groove.

I sure hope so, because I am exhausted.

And, We're Back.

Hello friends!!

I am officially back.

We are moved, slightly unpacked, and kind of adjusting to life in Texas.

We are loving the warm weather, it has been in the 60's and 70's this whole week.  My kids can't get outside enough and I can't stand to be inside either.  It is JANUARY people, and they were outside barefoot today!!!  BAREFOOT!

Despite a few snafus, lost boxes of food and kitchen supplies, a filthy house to move into, no hot water for a couple of days, and terrible water pressure in my bathroom....we have a cute rental house and it will work just fine for us.

We are blessed.  Jeremy has a fabulous job.  We had a safe journey.  We are together.  And, as I keep reminding myself, that is what matters.  Not the negative things that have transpired, but all of the positive.

So, while we are adjusting to this new life, I will keep remembering how lucky I am to have such a blessed and wonderful life.

*Oh, and since I have over 1000 new posts in my Google Reader, if you have something I really should read, please leave me a link.  I have to hit "mark all read" and just start from scratch.  But I do want to know what you all have been up to in my absence!!!