Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Random Bits and Pieces

We are trying to come up for air.  Jeremy and I both feel as if the wind has been knocked out of us and we are trying so hard to catch our breath again.

We really appreciate everyone's supportive comments both here, on twitter and facebook.  We have some of the best friends ever.

Right now the plan is to do everything to our house that we always wanted to do so we can sell it.  We know we'll be moving as there are no jobs in this area for him.

*le sigh* it is the Lord's will, I just keep reminding myself of that.

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 In other news....

Seth made his first attempt of putting on a prefold with a snappi on Libby.  I think he did a smashing job, don't you?
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I love how my sweepings look after the kids play with play-doh.  It makes me happy.


Yeah, and Play-Doh + Potato Head parts = TOTALLY AWESOME!

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Last Week

Really, I am glad last week is done.  The week started with Emma's Angel Day on Monday.  7 years she'd been gone.  And, if that wasn't enough...


This one started 1st Grade and LOOOOVED it.  But it was so hard having one of my chicks gone from the nest all day long!

And this one...well, just look at her...


Yes, she started dance.  And lest you think she just stood there looking so cute and doing all the dance moves...this is how I found her a lot of the time.


Yes, she is laying spread eagle on the floor.  She tells me she fell down a lot.  Whatever.

Loralee brought me lunch (so nice!), and Jeremy came home from work early so we could go visit Emma.


We did a ladybug release and it was really nice.

The next day I posted my Vlog and told you not to ask if I am pregnant because I'm just fat.  Well, when I made that video I had no idea what was going on in my uterus.  That day I found out I was pregnant.

We had exactly 2 days to be happy about it though because then Jeremy came home from work letting me know he'd been laid off.

So now we are again searching for a job, facing the uncertainty of unemployment and knowing that we will have to move and leave this place we love so much.

I couldn't tell you right away, but that is what has been so difficult and heavy in our lives.  We are scared, shaken and feeling so helpless that we don't know what the future holds.

We are remembering who is in charge, and on whom we can lean.  We are hopeful that this is part of God's plan and He knows what we need better than we do.  But, when we forget that, I pray that He will catch me.

Saturday, August 28, 2010

New York

I have started this post so many times.  I wanted to tell you all about New York, Blogher and my many adventures.

However, life has taken a turn and while we are all healthy, things are just not right. 

I can't stop thinking about the amazing time I had with my sweetheart and how absolutely grateful I am that we had that time together.  Time to be carefree, enjoy the city and each other.

 Getting ready for our Tutu's for Tanner 5K.  Yes, Jeremy wore a Tutu in Central Park.  He is awesome!

I loved seeing the sights, Radio City Music Hall, 30 Rock, Time's Square, Broadway, Madison Avenue (you know, because I loooove Mad Men!), the Statue of Liberty and Ellis Island...the list goes on.  We rode the subway just about everywhere, so we got to see a lot of the city that way.  We went to Union Square, Chinatown, Washington Heights, Central Park, and the Temple.



 Cool building in Union Square that had smoke coming out of it and a timer on the other side.  

 best donuts ever. seriously. we ate 4. YUM!

We ate great food, saw good friends, had great adventures and just had such a relaxing time.  I am forever grateful to Mabel's Labels for picking my name out of the hat and sending me to New York for a trip that won't soon be forgotten.

Oh, and thank you to my darling for giving me the best souvenir ever...even though I won't get to see it until late April/ early May.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Heavy

This week has been an emotional roller coaster to say the least.  Things are extremely heavy in our lives right now.  There are things happening that I can not share, but if you are the praying type, we sure could use your prayers.

I will be back soon (I hope) with photos of Seth's first day of school, Amelia's first day of dance, and many more adventures they are having.

In the mean time, enjoy this one.  We had a rain storm on Sunday, so the kids made a "tent" in the front yard.  I love their creativity.


Hopefully these sweet smiles and hugs and giggles will help to lift our heavy burden we are carrying right now.

Wisdom of a 6 year old

The other night Seth told me how a baby gets in a Mama's tummy.

"I think that a Mama has a little tiny hole in the top of her head that she doesn't know about and Heavenly Father puts a teeny tiny little egg in the hole and it goes all the way down to the bottom of her belly and it grows into a baby."

I think he can believe this for a while longer, don't you?

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In other bits...thank you all for your kind words on my last post.  It was hard to be that vulnerable, apparently it was too much for some people as I lost some followers and subscribers.  But, it is true and it is me.  But I am working hard to change it and I can't wait for that.

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Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Go Away Mean Girl.

He is sick of hearing it from me.  He is tired of me being so down on myself.  He is tired of the constant barrage of negativity that comes out of my mouth.

He loves me, but I don't.

I wonder how long he will put up with me and my negativity towards myself.

My gut tells me it won't be much longer.

Look at her, she has had 4 kids, her stomach is flat and her boobs are perfect.  What is your excuse?


Look at her, she talks so kindly to her children even when they make her crazy.  Why can't you?


Look there, your neighbor's house is perfectly clean.  She gets things done.  What is wrong with you?


They have classes at 6:30 am at the gym because people GO.  What is your deal?


Why are you so loud?  Why are you so fat?  Why are you so embarrassing to everyone around you?  Why do you keep eating things that will just make you fatter?  Why won't you change?


This is the constant dialogue happening in my head.  I am always comparing myself to others, knowing I am not good enough.

When we were in New York, Jeremy mentioned that he hadn't heard me say a nice thing about myself the entire time we were there.  I told him it was because I was surrounded by beautiful thin people in New York.  He laughed and asked if I was in the same place he was.  He started pointing out all the overweight, not so beautiful people (because there were some very beautiful overweight people too).  I didn't want to see them.  I wanted to know I was right, that I was the big slob who was ugly and fat and so undesirable.

Then this week, it was as if Brittany crawled into my mind.  She voiced what I feel.  She brought my innermost feelings to life and gave me the courage to really look at myself.

Although, truth be told, I still think she is smokin' hot and I am just a fat slob.

I have never had a super great self-esteem.  I always felt too fat, too ugly, my nose was too flat, my breasts were too small, my hips were too big, my thighs were too big, my hair wasn't straight enough, my hair wasn't curly enough, I wasn't pretty enough, I wasn't smart enough, I just wasn't enough.

I had this misconception that I would become an adult and all these insecurities would magically disappear.  I would find a man who loved me and it would be like a movie, I would get swept off my feet and be happy forever.

It didn't happen like that.  I found a man who loved me (he still does by the way), he loves all my curves, stretch marks, crows feet, everything.  But I found that it doesn't matter how much he loves me, if I can't love myself.

He tells me something needs to change NOW.  I have 3 children who watch me and listen to me.  I don't want my girls to grow up with body issues.  I don't want it to hurt my feelings when my children tell me I am fat because it's true.  The truth hurts.

I want to walk down the street confident and know that my body is mine.  I am unique and special and there are so many great things about me.  I don't want to struggle for words when someone asks me what my favorite part of my body is, because I can't think of anything.

I want to know that I am trying to improve and be a better person.  I want to know that just because I am not 100% organized right now, my house isn't clean right now, or my children are making me crazy right now, I am not any less of a woman/wife/mother.  I want to know that I am trying, right along with everyone else.

Today I am embarking on a journey of Self Love.  I have joined the 40 Day Inner Mean Girl Cleanse.  For six weeks I am going to be a Self-Love Ambassador and do exercises to help put a muzzle on the mean girl inside of me.  I picture her as that bratty girl I knew (and we all knew at least one!) in Jr. High and she is finally going away.

Take the Inner Mean Girl 40-Day Cleanse

I am just so.tired.  I am tired of feeling so terrible all the time.  I am tired of putting on a happy face for others when I am dying on the inside.  I am tired of being embarrassed of myself and my children and not being able to just enjoy my life, my family, my home.

Who wants to join me?  Come on this adventure with me.  I am starting to change, love myself, and I know when that happens, I will start to appreciate my body, my family, my life.

Monday, August 23, 2010

Dear Emma

 

Your brother and sisters and I watched this video today. They were full of questions about you. They tell me they miss you, but they really have no idea.

They wanted to know if I took any videos of you when you died. Was that the day you died? Was that before you died? Did I know you were going to die?

No, yes, no. Those were my answers.

Amelia wanted to know what you ate. I told her you nursed a lot. "Where are the videos or pictures of that?", she asked. I don't have any.

The pictures end way too soon.  I look at these videos and pictures and barely recognize myself.   I wonder what kind of a Mama I would have been had you lived.  I wonder a lot about what my life would be like if you were still here.

You should be starting 2nd grade today with your brother.  You two should be walking to school together, being excited to see each other on the playground and in the lunch room.  You should be telling me what you want to eat in your lunch tomorrow and playing with your sisters right now.

There are so many shoulds.  You should be here.  You should be here.  You should be here.

I miss you.  I love you.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

If I had known

That this was going to be our last picture, I would have made sure it was a lot better.


But still, I love it.  It is just so us.  She crawled up on my lap and wanted some of my water.  See the sopt on my shoulder?  That was from her.  The toys on the floor?  From her.  If I had known this was my last picture with her...well, I guess I wouldn't have changed a thing. 

August 22, 2003

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Kroger Giveaway Winner!

Sorry it's late guys.  This week has been the week from..well, you know.  If you read my blog (which I assume you do since you are here!) you know.

So...the winner is...
 #2!!!

Mari!!  Congrats lady.  I will be emailing you to get your info!

As for the rest of you awesome folks, stay close, because I am working on some pretty fun and BIG giveaways!!

Friday, August 20, 2010

Surviving

"How did you get through it?  How did you survive?"

This is something I hear very often, especially from people when they find out my baby died.  My response is always the same;

"I just do."

I say this in present tense because it wasn't something I did, something that happened and now I am done.  Coping with the death of my daughter, my oldest child, is something I deal with every day of my life.

Maybe it's because her Angel Day is on Monday, or maybe it's just because I can finally be introspective enough to answer the question...but I have been pondering this a lot lately.  How do I do it?

Emma died around 4pm on Saturday, August 23, 2003.  It was my in-law's 30th Anniversary, and we were at their house.

Jeremy's sister and her friend brought us back to our apartment that night.  I know if we had to drive ourselves, I wouldn't be writing this right now.

As we stumbled in the back door of our apartment, it was so quiet.  It had been like that many times before.  We would come home from being out and Emma would have fallen asleep.  Usually I would take her into our room and Jeremy would change her diaper while I nursed her so she wouldn't wake up.  That night we didn't have to worry about that.

Her toys and clothes were everywhere, her diapers needed to be washed, there was blood on my shirt and the stink of death on me.  Before we had done anything though, my darling took me by the shoulders and, looking me in the eye said, "Don't you dare leave me here alone.  Promise me.  Please don't leave me here by myself."

I promised him.  That is how I made it through the early days.

Most people have funeral arrangements to make, not me.  I couldn't do it.  My fabulous in-laws did everything.  They picked out her casket, bought her plane ticket, and made sure we ate.  My family got us out there, picked out her plot and dressed her for the graveside service.

In the early days I got through as best I could.  I had family around me and they lifted me up and helped me.

If I didn't mention my faith, I would be leaving out a huge part of my story.  I believe that I will not only see Emma again someday, but after the Second Coming of Jesus Christ, there will be a resurrection.  I believe that at that time, Emma will be resurrected as the baby she was and I will have the opportunity to raise her in a world free of temptation and sorrow, in a perfect world.  That promise, that belief,  has carried me through some very dark moments.

If I were to say that is all it has been, my faith, I would be lying. There have been times when my faith isn't enough and I just don't want to do this anymore.  I have always said that religion and beliefs are great, but they won't fill my empty arms or empty my overfull breasts.

One month after Emma died, I became pregnant with Seth.  I knew then that I was here for the long haul.  I knew then that I would do everything I could to make her proud of me and to be a good Mama to her siblings.

In the last 7 years, I have had several different coping mechanisms.  But the ones that stick, the ones that get me through the most difficult times are the ones that live in my house.

It's the late night nursings, kissing fat baby cheeks, tending to a scraped knee, brushing away crocodile tears.  It is the spontaneous hugs, the "I love you's", the late night stories and memories we make.  It's the first day of school, the first bike ride, the first steps and words.  It's my hands in their hair, singing a soft lullabye.  It's hearing, "Hello Mama!" at 3 am and just smiling because they're so happy to see me.

It's all the things I never got to do with Emma.  All those things that I try so hard not to take for granted.

It's the look in his eyes when he tells me he loves me.  It's walking through Time's Square eating cheesecake in the rain, it's snuggling up to my love and having him hold me when I cry.

So when you ask how I do it?  How I survive?  It's on love.  I survive on love.  The day Emma died a huge part of me died too.  I never thought I would love again that way, but I do.  The love I have for her brother, sisters and Dad help to heal my broken heart daily.

That is how I do it.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Trying

I have started 2 separate posts about NYC and Blogher.

I have started organizing my house and then stopped.

I have been thinking about my boy going to school all day starting on Monday.

I have been busy with my Church work, my Etsy shop and my babes.

I am overwhelmed and can't finish anything.

I have been trying to figure out why and then it dawned on me last night.

Seth starts school next Monday.  Monday is August 23.  Anyone catch the connection yet?  No?


How about now.  Yeah, it's Emma's Angel Day.  Suck of all sucks. I won't be able to grieve the way I want and need to.  I am trying to stay excited for my boy as he gets ready to start 1st grade at a new school.  But it is hard.

Amelia starts dance that day.  She is over the moon excited.  I am not.

I am trying to write about the great time I had at Blogher, but I can't.

I am trying to get my house and my life organized because my house and my life is chaos.  But I can't.  My life is more chaos right now than it usually is, and just ask my Mom, that is a lot.

I am trying to hold it all together and because I am trying so hard, I can't do any of it.

If you need me, I will be sitting in my pajama's, no bra on, teeth unbrushed, trying really hard not to break down in front of my littles.  All the while, I am thinking of this sweet girl and missing her like crazy.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Whilrwind

One week ago today I was going to Museums, riding the subway, eating donuts, riding the train and coming home.

The last week has been a whirlwind.  I keep waiting for things to slow down and give me the opportunity to share my trip to New York.

But time is elusive, and there is just no extra.

Seth starts school next week, I start homeschool with Amelia next week, we have dance lessons and gymnastics (for Amelia and Seth), and I am trying desperately to organize my life.

You see, I am terribly unorganized.  I find it hilarious that I am speaking at Type A Mom, because I am more of the Type C for Chaos Mom!!!  But, I am trying.  I will keep you updated with what I am doing so maybe if there are any of you who are like me, I can help you out.

So, I am so sorry there have been no pictures or posts about New York and the fabulous time I had.  I have a lot, and it was fabulous.

But right now, I am stuck in the whirlwind of Mommyhood, beginning of school, and life.  And really, that is just fine with me.  Now if you'll excuse me, I have some books to read to a darling almost 2 year old *gasp*.

Saturday, August 14, 2010

Bargain Shopping :: Kroger Giveaway!

I am a big time bargain shopper.  I love to get a good deal and will check all the ads when they come in the mail before I will go shopping.

One of my favorite places to shop is Smith's Marketplace, a Kroger store.  Right now they are having some great deals with their “Add Up the Savings” Event. You can stock up on your favorite General Mills & Kimberly Clark brands From August 8 through August 21, when you buy 8 participating items from any Kroger store, you’ll receive $4 off of your purchase. Some of the great participating brands include: Cheerios, Yoplait Yogurt, Pillsbury Cookies & Biscuits, Kleenex, Huggies, Betty Crocker Brownies, Cottonelle, and Lucky Charms.

In addition to these great savings, be sure to take advantage of the special Bonus Box Tops Offers and get a jumpstart on helping the participating school of your choice this year.

All you have to do, if you haven’t already, is register at www.RewardYourSchool.com. Once you register, you will automatically receive 5 Bonus Box Tops just for signing up! You will also receive custom offers for Bonus Box Tops for purchasing participating products.

These great offers are:

  • Buy any 4 Box Tops products and get 10 Bonus Box Tops
  • Buy any 8 Box Tops products and get 25 Bonus Box Tops
The offers you select will then load onto your Kroger Shopper Card to be redeemed once you purchase the items. It’s extra easy because there’s no clipping! Just remember to scan your Kroger Shopper Card and the Bonus Box Tops will automatically go straight the participating school of your choice. 

I don't know about you, but this time of year I find I am buying SO much!!!  We have to get clothes and shoes for the kids, and I can use help saving money wherever I can.

Kroger is giving one of my reader's a $25 gift card to use at any of their stores (Kroger, Ralph’s, King Soopers, City Market, Dillons, Smith’s, Fry’s, QFC, Baker’s, Owen’s, Jay C Food Stores, Hilander, Gerbes, Food4Less, Pay Less Super Markets and Scott’s Food & Pharmacy).

This is going to be a quick one, just 3 days so you can take advantage of the savings!!!

All you have to do to enter is leave me a comment telling me what you have to buy to get your kids ready for back to school!! 

For additional entries you can:

1. Tweet about this contest. An example could be: I just entered to win a $25 g.c. from Kroger and @prairiemama http://bit.ly/cfdeFh #myblogspark
2. Write about it on facebook.

Leave a comment for each entry.  Contest ends August 17 at 9pm MDT.

*I was given a $25 gift card from Kroger, through My Blog Spark, as compensation for writing this post.  The words and sentiments are all mine. 

Thursday, August 12, 2010

All Wrapped Up

I walked into the yarn shop with one task at hand.  I needed to find the perfect yarn for my February Lady sweater.  I found the yarn, Cascade 220 (one of my favorites), found the buttons and made my purchase.

I would have gotten out of the store with just that if I was there with just the kids.  But, I had my fellow knitter/partner in crime/bff, Nicole, with me and she spotted the most BEAUTIFUL Clapotis I had ever seen.

The drape was gorgeous, the yarn was like butter, and I knew I had to have it.  We looked at the yarn, made our choices and *gulp* bought it.

This took me about 3 weeks to finish.  I wanted to have it to wear at Blogher, and I got it done...the night before the conference started and blocked it in my hotel room.  If the Yarn Harlot has taught me nothing else, I have learned to block in hotel rooms!


I tried it on and fell in love all over again.  I wore it to two different events during the conference, but since I took virtually NO pictures during the conference, you'll just have to believe me.

After the Conference however, Jeremy and I did some sight seeing.  We went to The Cloisters Museum on Tuesday morning and found it was the perfect place for a photo shoot.





I really do adore this wrap and look forward to many days and nights wearing it.

It seems I am a very bad knitting blogger and neglected to add the specifics of this particular wrap.  So, here you go :)

Pattern: Clapotis
Yarn: Araucania Ruca - 2 hanks (to make the full size, you will need 3)
Needles: US 8

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Tap...Tap...Is this thing on?

We stumbled through the doors at midnight, exhausted and so happy to be home.  I put my things down, went downstairs and kissed my big boy, who looks so big while he sleeps.  I smelled him and walked away happy.  I crept into the girls room and gave Amelia a kiss.  Libby wasn't there, of course.  I gave her snuggles and smelled her sweaty sweet smell and felt like I was really home.

My Mom, the superstar, was asleep in my bed snuggling with Liberty.  I woke her and she gave me a hug and went to join Seth.  Then I snuggled up to my baby girl, something I had been anticipating and looking forward to for days.

I thought she'd know it was me, snuggle up and we'd have a great night sleep.

Instead, she tossed and turned, wanted to be in my bed and then her bed.  Somewhere in the restlessness and the stillness of the night, she realized why she was so uncomfortable.  Around 2 am, she threw up hot dogs all over the two of us.

It's good to be home.

Monday, August 2, 2010

Oh My Heart

Oh my heart...



I am going...


to miss...

these people so much.

I'm off to snuggle with my babies as much as I can before I leave for New York for 6 days!
xo