Baby Knits

Dear Knitting Friends,

As Knitters, you know as well as I do that hand knit items gifted to us are few and far between.  I mean seriously, why go to all that time and energy to knit something for someone who could make it themselves and might see any minute mistakes you may have made?  Because of these reasons, I know I have never really thought much about knitting for my knitting friends.

But, I have a plea request for you, my darling knitting friends.  When the time comes that I am with child again, would you please knit some sweet baby things for this babe?

I see Mamas who knit for their babies throughout their pregnancies, and then after the baby is born they are wrapped up in hand knit goodness.  I so want to do that, but it just won't happen this time.

Why, you ask?  Well for starters, I have these 3 kids who demand a lot of my time and attention.  And really, I don't mind that because if I did then I wouldn't be excitedly contemplating adding to that dilemma.  But that isn't the only reason.

I am also a slow knitter.  It's true.  Remember that it took me a year and a half to finish a pair of socks for Jeremy!??!  Or how about the sweater that took me a year for that guy?  I'm not the speediest around.

And finally, I am planning on starting this sweater for myself.  See here is what is going to happen.  I am going to get knocked up and then be super hot all winter long.  I will not want to wear my bulky wool coat because I will already feel bulky enough as it is.  So, I need the February Lady sweater knit for me.

So, that is why I am asking you, my darling friends who are so talented in the fiber arts, please knit some things for this next baby so that s/he isn't without something darling and warm and knit with love.

Thanks so much.  I promise if you find yourself in the same predicament, I will return the favor.  Your baby might be 18 when you get your knit item, but I will pay it back.

Yours Truly,
Me.

P.S.  Wondering what I want to have knit for this babe?  Oh boy....LONGIES, Diaper Covers, Round Baby Blanket, Toys, and maybe a cute kimono jacket or sweater.  I don't want much really, just a few things to show this baby that I was thinking of him/her.

P.P.S If you don't knit (as many of my readers don't) don't fear, I am sure you have a friend or an aunt or a Grandma that does, just put them on the job!

P.P.P.S. Just kidding.  Kind of.  Well, you know, if they would want to do it and wouldn't mind that would be awesome, but I don't want you begging or anything.

P.P.P.P.S. Save the begging for me.

P.P.P.P.P.S. Oh, and I can pay you in chocolate.

And Sometimes They Live

Today I am talking to those of you who have lost a babe.  There is something so scary about having another one after you know what can happen.  Your heart races when you think about loving this new little person and giving so much of yourself again, just to have it possibly destroyed, again.

You might wake up in the night sweating and have to rush to check on your baby.  You may not feel your babe moving in your womb and immediately start calculating when the last time you felt them was and rush to get a glass of orange juice to wake them up.  You might think about their impending birth and have a full on panic attack.

This is all normal.  Seriously, it is.  You see, when you know what it is to lose something someone so perfect, precious, and YOURS, you are forever changed.  You will never look at the world the way you once did.  The naive part of you is gone.  You will assume the worst.  You may just assume your next child will not be born, will not live, will not live past the age that your sweet angel left you.

But I want to tell you something.  I want to give you hope.  It has been almost 7 years since Emma left us.  In that time she has gained 3 siblings.  And guess what?  Sometimes THEY LIVE.

Usually they live.  We are the exception, not the rule.  Enjoy those flutters, kicks, birthing pains, late nights, sore nipples, first teeth, first words, first steps and more.  Because they are going to continue. 

My baby boy, the one who came to heal our hearts and fill our arms just a month after Emma died, that boy who I was SURE wouldn't live past a year, that same boy just turned 6 and is starting 1st Grade this fall.

Sometimes they live.  Hang on my friends.  It won't always be as hard as it is right now.  Hang on to my promise and know that when you need reassurance, I am always here.

Sarah McLachlan: Laws of Illusion

In 1995 I was a Freshman in College.  I was living an hour away from home and loved my independence.  That year I was introduced to a lot of things, but the one that has stuck with me to this day is Sarah McLachlan.


My best friend was up visiting for a weekend and put in her very used tape of  Fumbling Toward Ecstasy and I was hooked.  I have been a fan ever since.


When I heard that Sarah had a new album coming out I was thrilled.  Laws of Illusion is her first studio album of new material in 7 years.


I was given the opportunity to get a copy of this CD before it was released and let me tell you, I was am not disappointed!  My children and I listen to this CD while making dinner and they love dancing to her.


In typical Sarah fashion, there are haunting melodies, beautiful harmonies and each song tells a story.


Sarah is co-founder of Lilith Fair and is touring this summer with this amazing group of women.  They will be in my area in July and I am doing what I can to score tickets, because really, I don't want to miss such an amazing opportunity to hear fabulous musicians.  From 1997-1999, Lilith Fair was one of the highest grossing touring festivals in the world, with over 2 million fans in attendance and raising over $10 million dollars for national and local women's charities.  I love getting behind something that supports women, and this does just that.

So, you want to get the album?  Well you should.  Don't take my word for it though, go check out previews of the songs.  You won't be disappointed.

**Thanks to One2One Network for sending me this CD and giving me this opportunity.  They gave me the CD and I have a chance of winning a gift card, but the words are all mine, blah blah blah :)

A Little Math

How to Train Your Dragon Pajamas

+

Cowboy hat and bandit mask

+

Poncho, holster and pop gun

+

huge slice of watermelon

=

ALL MINE.

(dang I love this kid)

4 years...When Did That Happen??

Missy Mae Mae,

Today you are 4.  In the last 4 years I have had more joy than you will ever know.  Your birth was so amazing and I think of it often.  The power and energy I felt coming from you as you were born and the ease with which you slid into this world were both indicative of your personality.  Of course the fact that I was in labor just to have everything stop and you not to come for another 8 days should have told me something about your personality also!!!  You were a pokey little puppy even then!

You are funny, caring, sensitive, thoughtful, creative, tender, fierce, strong-willed, happy and just my sweet sweet girl.  I love listening to you when you are making up songs or stories, or both.  Your creative mind never ceases to amaze me and I love it.  Your fashion sense can not be beat and I hope you teach your sister all about it!

I am so grateful for you.  You are such a great big sister to Libby.  You are teaching her so much everyday and I love watching the two of you play together.

You are such a great sister to Seth.  He loves you and loves playing with you.  I love watching your relationship grow and develop.

You are my sweet girl and I love you so very much.  Today on your 4th birthday, I want you to know how utterly grateful I am to have had the last 4 years with you and look forward to MANY more.

I love you baby girl.

Love,
Mama

Decisionally Challenged

 **Today's post comes from my dearest darling friend, Heather.  She is so fun and genuine and makes me just so happy to be around.  She was my roomie at Blogher last year, and I look forward to any opportunity I have to talk to her on the phone or see her in person. Read this and you will see why!

Thanks again Heather!!!


**

If you feel that you have a problem making decisions, I want you to know there is someone out there struggling with you. A kindred spirit of indecision.

He's my husband.

(I'm not talking about him behind his back. I'm talking about him behind my back. He's behind me as I type this, doing dishes. And I told him I would be doing this post. So it's all good, I'm allowed to talk about his indecisiveness.)

Ryan's inability to make decisions is no secret. Just ask anyone who has ever gone out to eat with him. They will tell you they waited an extra ten to twenty minutes to order because Ryan kept changing his mind.

Yes, I'm a patient woman. Sometimes.

Ryan confesses that he spends far too long even in candy aisles, stressing and struggling over which candy bar to get. (Yes, it's that bad.)

I try to encourage him, begging for him to leave the gas station and get back in the car. I remind him that a decision between a Snickers and a Reese's is not life changing. He still stands there with his hands in his pockets, pacing back and forth. So then I tell him that I'm going to leave him there if he doesn't hurry up and decide. That usually works. But then once we're back in the car (finally), he always has buyer's remorse, longing for the other candy bar.

You should hear our conversations when trying to decide what movie to see. Yow.

Ryan and I are both in good humor about this. (Most of the time.) But I often wonder how my dear husband ever asked me to marry him, and furthermore, how in the world did he make it through our wedding ceremony? I wonder what might have happened if he was hit with a candy bar kind of indecision at the moment he was to say "I do." Might he have screamed, "No wait! I don't!" Or would he have stopped short in the midst of his vows, pointing randomly into the crowd yelling, "NO wait, I'll take that one!" Leaving his cousin Jenny baffled and humiliated while everyone turned to stare. That would have been interesting.

That's not how it happened though. He said "I do." I'm sure sometimes he has buyer's remorse, but I'm not returnable. Sure, maybe some day he'll want to trade me in for something new and fresh, but by then I'll have increased in value so much it won't be worth it. I'll be like the 100 Grand of wives. And he'll be my Nut Roll.

What It Is To Me.

**Special thanks to Allison from O My Family for today's guest post.  Allison and I also met at CBC, but we had been tweeting and reading each other's blogs for a while before.  We hit it off immediately and really bonded in a Karoke Bar while having a deep theological discussion.  She is a gem as I am sure you will find for yourself.
**

The mom-blogosphere is a lot of things to a lot of people. For some it is an outlet, others it's a way of connecting socially, or a record of your family's life, to some it's all a popularity contest, or perhaps it makes them money as their small business... I've even seen it described as "dull daily diaries of the uninspired". (In case you were concerned, yes, I resisted the urge to hurt the person who called it that. But it was close.)

For me, this blogging culture has helped me become a better person and mother because it has connected me with women who inspire me to do so.

It's interesting, this phenomenon of sharing our lives on the interwebs, because really we are more apt to blog about the awesome trip to the children's bookstore than the feud we had with our husbands last night over the price of professional family portraits (I mean, hypothetically speaking). Even on my blog, where I am very open about how difficult it has been to be a brand new mom struggling with postpartum depression, it's hard not to paint our lives in a skewed way. There will be 4 or 5 happy posts filled with pictures of my smiling son, and then one here and there about my battles. Many blogs are the same way. Some could look at that and say that we're all just putting on airs and pretending like we burp butterflies, and maybe that's true. But I see great benefit in sharing the good stuff:

It encourages me to foster good stuff in my own life.

Seeing another blogger share how she makes her own homemade cleaning agents and soap inspired me to clean up my own cleaning act (although admittedly I do not have the kind of time or domesticocity that is required to make my own; I just buy better stuff now. Baby steps, y'all).

Baby wearing is a huge one for me because I frankly wouldn't have even known of it's existence if it weren't for some wonderful bloggers out there, including Kim, Mrs. Prairie Mama herself. Her video tutorials and frequent discussion of the ins and outs of babywearing on her blog made someone who lives over 1,000 miles away feel more comfortable strapping her first-born baby on in a ring sling and going against the stroller trend. I am so immensely thankful. Knowing that I could wear my baby and how to do so easily has made me a happier mother; I can't imagine raising my baby any other way.

Another way that my blogging experience has improved our lifestyle is the bottomless amount of information available on cloth diapering. If you cloth diaper you have undoubtedly faced at least one nay-sayer along the way. One person who thinks you're nuts-O for throwing out all the "progress" available to us in disposable diapers. (This is the part where I restrain myself from going on an all-out lecture about what's really nuts-O about diapering these days. ::ahem::) Similar to babywearing, when our family decided to go against the grain and do cloth diapering, we did so because we felt comfortable with the amount of support and information available to us on the internet, much of it in blogs. Just last week I used twitter to talk to Kim about good laundry soap to use now that we are in the solid-foods stage (ifyouknowwhatImean).

Blogging and reading others' blogs has opened my eyes to supporting handmade items with my purchases. While I am still learning to do this affordably and more thoroughly, I have begun to be intentional about buying handmade when it is appropriate for our family. Seeing the beautiful and useful items that many bloggers make themselves (like these ring-sling beauties) has helped me along that path. I believe that where I decide to spend my money matters and the culture of the blogosphere has helped me make more informed decisions.

While I am still completely open to my son weaning when he would like, the sheer amount of support for breastfeeding and extended breastfeeding in the mom-blogosphere has spurred me on to want to nurse longer than I otherwise would have. Seeing beautiful, intentional mothers so passionate about the good that comes from nursing well past the first birthday makes me want that good for our little family.

Are you starting to see a trend here? I have learned that "lead by example" does not only apply to face-to-face examples. Our family has quite directly been impacted for the better because women took the time to share what works for their families on their blogs. Isn't that amazing? Because I can see first-hand the positive results of sharing the good stuff of our lives on blogs, I make it a point to do so on my own. While you won't find me frolicking barefoot through the forest being serenaded by robins (I live in a city of over 300,000 people without a forest in sight), you can find me talking about my positive birth experiences, taking my son on 8 flights in 10 months, and having a natural view of baby-led weaning.

I do not share those things on my blog because, Hello! Look at how awesome I am!, but I share them because perhaps just one person will stumble upon a post about what has made life better for our family, and it will do the same for theirs.

different strokes

**today's guest post comes from Alexis Lesa of Depressions and Confessions.  I met her for the first time at Casual Blogger Conference and I fell in love.  First of all, she is stunningly gorgeous.  When you get past that, you find a real, honest, hilarious woman.  She was kind enough to humor me and post today for all of you.  When you're done reading her here, head on over to her blog to get some more!!!

Thanks again Alexis!!!

 

kim and i met for the first time at the casual blogger conference, where i was sitting next to her at a discussion on blogging through depression. i made a reference to “crunchy granola” people as i was commenting on something during the session, and kim proudly shouted, “i’m crunchy!” 

after i had stopped laughing, i realized that 1) i have a big mouth and no word sphincter, and 2) i had found a friend.

but then when i got home from the conference, i went and looked at kim’s blog, and i was all, damn. i’m not sure if this kim person and i can be friends. she likes to have babies at home and breastfeed nine year-olds and doesn’t believe in huggies. that sounds like my. worst. nightmare.

i started reading anyway, really reading. and it wasn’t long before i realized that this “kim person” was kinda a lil’ bit just like me in the ways that really mattered. yes, she likes to wear her babies like a kangaroo and i like to push mine in a stroller that preferably costs at least one million dollars. and yes, she breastfeeds until her children are ready to stop and i wean mine when my nipples are ready to fall off. and yes, she prefers to cosleep and i force my children to sleep on a mattress made of thumbtacks in a bedroom all by themselves. 

but still, i get kim.

she loves her children fiercely, just like me. she turns to god in times of need, just like me. she leans on her husband when there’s no way she can stand alone, just like me. she doesn’t attempt to hide the pain, just like me. and she is a woman, just like me.

i have lived my life based on assumptions that i now realize hold no water; for example, i stupidly assumed that women who chose homebirth must be masochists. it’s mostly arrogance that leads me to make these assumptions, but i think it may also be a dash of insecurity. meeting kim and seeing that she and i are not so different, despite outward appearances, made me realize that i have a lot to learn. 

i’m not saying that i am going to magically become a proponent of home birth, or that i will be any less freaked out by the thought of nursing a two year-old: i just don’t see either of those things ever being in the cards for me. 

but that’s not the point. the point is, i can get kim without being or doing any of the things that she is and does. and i do.

Camping

This week I am taking the girls from my Church to camp for 4 days. 
It will be fun. 
Really. 
I am serious. 
Stop laughing! 
Who wouldn't want to take a couple car loads of teenage girls camping?  And tell them they can't bring their iPods, cell phones (not that we would have reception anyway) or any other electronic device?

Seriously, I love this time of year.  I love camping anyway, and taking these girls out of their usual element and letting them just be, is such an amazing opportunity.  Watching the older girls and the younger girls hang out together, mentor and be mentored, is something I never want to miss.  Having the opportunity to get to know the girls without all the distractions of home is also one of my favorite parts.

Of course Libby has a fever, Jeremy had to go to Georgia last minute, and one of my sitters won't be able to take my kids tomorrow (see the part about Libby).  But, the other ladies who are going with me are going to help out so I can go back and forth and be there as much as I can.

And I can't wait.

***Watch this week for some FABULOUS guest posts by some of my favorite bloggers!***

And Then He Was 6

He woke up before the Sun, ready to start his special day.  He helped me clean, didn't complain about the rain and waited anxiously for his friends to arrive.

We feasted on BBQ Chicken, french fries and cantaloupe.  I was informed that is what Vikings eat.  Who am I to argue?

We played Dragon Catching, Viking Says (trying to train their dragons!) and Dodge Ball.

Then, we ate a dragon. It was delicious.

After a How to Train Your Dragon party with his buddies, some down time with his sisters, and a homemade "dinner store" dinner, he told me it was the best birthday EVER.

Not too bad.  Not too bad at all.

Sunshine with Dinner

Sunshine with Dinner, originally uploaded by naturalmom26.

My sweet Amelia is an artist. Everyday at some point I will lose her only to find her sitting at her desk coloring, drawing, creating.

She is always creating; art, music, stories...it is endless. Most of the time she really doesn't even realize she is doing it.

The other night she had carrots and hummus with dinner. When she got up from the table, this is what I found.

I think she was just as thrilled with the sun finally shining as I was, don't you?

My Little Man

Dear Bubs,

Happy Birthday little man!  I can't believe it has been 6 years since you came into our lives and began to heal our broken hearts.

I don't think you will ever fully understand all you mean to me.  As you sleep in the room next to where I am right now, I want to go in there and snuggle up to you.  I want to whisper promises and wishes into your ear.  I want to smell your sweet little boy smell and snuggle you to bits because I know it won't last for long.

You are already getting ready to go into 1st Grade.  You love to be independent and get "lost" in the grocery store.  You adore being the oldest (although you always say you are the oldest on earth) and are so good at it.  You are such a good big brother and your sisters adore you.

I love watching you grow.  Watching your brain work as you figure out new things.  I love how you absorb everything you read and learn, you are a little sponge and fill yourself with goodness.

You are so kind to other kids.  I have really enjoyed watching you come out of your shell this last year and start to embrace other children as your friends.  I appreciate so much that you always include Amelia in your games when your friends come over. 

You have so much to offer this world, so much to teach, so much to learn.  I can't wait to be here with you every step of the way.

I love you to the moon and back baby.

Love,
Mama

**Want to read a great birth story?  Go read Seth's.  It was amazing and I am forever changed by this little boy who filled my arms after a long 10 months.

What It's Like

We are out on a walk enjoying the beautiful Spring weather.  The sun is shining, flowers are blooming, we hear the birds chirping and we are all happy.  Right in that moment, we are happy.  The children are singing and laughing and I am enjoying them.

Then I see it.  A little girl, about 9 years old pushing her baby sister in a stroller.  My heart sinks and instantly I am reminded of what I don't have.  I am reminded of what my life could have been like, should have been like, was supposed to be like.  And in that instant, I am hurt to the core and want to sit down and sob.

It comes out of nowhere this grief.  When I least expect it, I will be knocked onto my butt for days to come, all from seeing a girl who is just a wee older than Emma would be.  Seeing a glimpse of what my life was going to be like.

After that I am super sensitive to everything.  I can't focus on the children that are here because in that moment, I am so wrapped up in the one that is gone.  I think back to the several people who came up to me at CBC just to tell me they couldn't come to my panel on Grief.  They just can't handle it, can't sit through it, they can't listen to the stories and imagine themselves in it.  After a while I started to think, "You can't handle listening to it? Try living it".

I will never be done grieving. I will always have an ache, an emptiness that nothing but her will fill.  I heard someone say that grief shouldn't define who you are, but it does.  Only those who have never experienced grief in a very real way can say that it shouldn't define who you are.  It does define who we are because it is something we live with everyday and has changed us to the point where we often don't recognize that person in the mirror.

I will never stop grieving.  I still function everyday.  My children know I love them and that I am here for them at all times.  But sometimes I just need to sit and cry and miss and remember and be a little selfish with my broken heart.

Cloudy

The sky has been cloudy and so has my mood.  Just when I think I am doing good with my depression, it will sneak up from behind and knock me to the ground.

I have been having a hard couple of days.  I haven't wanted to do anything.  I haven't felt anything.  I just want to sleep.  That isn't an option because...well, in case you haven't noticed I have 3 small children running around and they kind of need supervision.

But, I just don't want to.  I just don't want to do anything.  As it is, I am forcing myself to sit down and do one thing I enjoy, writing.

It's not that I don't want to tell you all about my adorable children, Casual Blogger Conference, my sewing projects or anything else that comes to mind...I just can't.

That is what depression does to me.  I can't do anything.  I don't want to do anything.  I do what I have to and nothing more.

So, that is what I am doing today...just what I have to. 


**Comments closed...not because I don't love each of you, but because I just can't read them and feel guilty for not responding today.  I love you anyway.

Who Needs Anthropologie?

When Loralee told me she needed a skirt (or two) because of a dare from some of her friends at  Blogher , I was on a mission.
First, she has some issues with her legs (seriously, I am not being mean, she really does) and it makes her pretty self-conscious showing them.
Second, she needed something comfortable and easy to move in.  She is a busy Mom and can't be slowed down by a pencil skirt or something that needs a lot of care in the washing.
Third, I needed to come up with a pattern that will not take too terribly long and will work with a good cotton fabric.

The first skirt is a basic gathered skirt pattern that I have come up with myself.  It is super comfortable and fun.  I added a thick ribbon at the bottom and it is perfect.

Loralee wore this the first day of the Casual Blogger Conference and it was a HIT!  Seriously, so many compliments and I loved listening to each and every one of them!

The second skirt took a little lot more time but was SO worth it.

If you are going to Blogher this year, you will see this skirt (and the other one too).  We are (and when I say we, I mean me) adding some fabric flowers to the ribbon.

This skirt has pleats and gathers, two kind of fabric, ribbon, a zipper and is SO cute!!!  Many people asked me how much this skirt would cost.  Let's break it down shall we?  I will only make it out of good fabric.  If it is going to be worn a lot, it needs to be durable.  So for fabric, zipper, ribbon and thread $40.  When I sew, I charge $10/hour, sounds reasonable right?  Well, this skirt takes 8 hours to make.  So, this skirt will sell for a grand total of $120.

So, while you could go to Anthropologie and get a skirt for about the same price or go to Kohls, JC Penney, Old Navy or The Gap and get one for half that price, you will not get something custom made for you that no one else owns.  I like that.  I love having something that no one else does and is specifically made for me.

These will be in my Etsy shop soon.  You like??

Tappings on my Soul

Tap, tap, tap. 
The rain beats down on my tin roof. 
Tap, tap, tap. 
It calls to me.
Tap, tap, tap.
I hear it, nourishing all things living.
Tap, tap, tap.
It talks to me.
Tap, tap, tap.
I try to listen through the noises that surround me.
Tap, tap, tap.
I hear it.
It is time, it is time, it is time.
The rain is reminding me of the tappings on my heart
the ones I have felt four times before
the ones that I have never denied and was always so excited for.
This time is different.
I am older, wiser
more tired, more reluctant
I am not ready. I am not where I wanted to be.
I am not ready. I am not sleeping at night.
I am not ready. I want to be selfish for a while.
I am not ready. I want my body back before I give it again.
Tap, tap, tap.
Just like the rain, a Spirit is tapping on my soul.
It is time, it is time, it is time.
Will I listen?