Thoughts

Swirling Swirling, my thoughts go round.  There is so much to say, so much to write, so much to tell you, but I just can't do it yet.

I am still processing, sleeping, recovering, thinking, and loving on the people who I left at home. 

I am sorting through memories because I took ZERO pictures.  I am reveling on the weird high that people actually knew me and were excited to meet me!

I am praying that I will sell lots of slings and skirts so that I can completely pay for this trip and the next two to come.

I am spending time with my favorite people and remembering why I have this little space at all.

Be patient with me while I decompress and know that I will be back soon, and that I am so grateful for each and every one of you.

Exposed

"Goodbye baby, I will see you after 3 sleeps, be good for Daddy".  I walked out the door and back to my house after dropping off my girls.  Ready to go to Salt Lake for the Casual Blogger Conference, I felt so naked, so exposed, so vulnerable.

I couldn't figure out why I felt this way.  I have left my kids with their friends several times.  Jeremy is going to be with them all day tomorrow and the next and at night.  Why was I feeling so uneasy about this trip?

Then it hit me.  I hide behind my children.  I am their Mom first and foremost.  At the park, at the pool, at my son's school, I am their Mom.  When in a group of strangers, typically I am wearing a baby.  Last year at Blogher, I was wearing Libby the whole time.  It was a conversation starter, it allowed me to talk to people I otherwise wouldn't have.  It gave me some freedom because everyone loves a baby (except when they don't, but we're not getting into that).

Here I am, sitting in a hotel room without my children.  I am going to go to a dinner in a short while and will not have anyone for people to coo and drool over. 

I am exposed just for me.  No one knows that by looking at my soft belly that it held a baby just 20 months ago, it may just look like I have eaten a few too many Oreos instead.  My excuse (ha) isn't right there with me.

So please, if you see me at this, or any conference this summer, come up and talk to me because without my shield I really am just not that sure of myself and may sit in a corner eating chocolate the whole time if you don't.

CBC Here I Come!

The time is finally here and I am headed down south today to attend and speak at, the Causal Blogger's Conference.  I am really excited.  I will get to see a lot of friends (and if I had more time I would link to each of them, but I don't so you'll just have to trust me it is going to be AWESOME!), eat some good food and have a lot of fun.

I am speaking on Saturday about blogging your grief.  I think I know a little about that ;).

Wish me luck!!!!

The Perfect (emotional) Storm

1 Ultra Whiny Toddler

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A Mom who forgot to take her Zoloft 2 days in a row

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That same Mom who is about to start her period

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The Perfect (emotional) Storm

Welcome to my house.

Why My House is a Mess

How can I be inside doing this...

When I could be outside enjoying this???

Depth of Field :: You Capture

Did you know it is kind of difficult to do Depth of Field if you don't have a fancy-schmancy camera?  It's true.  Turns out I can really only do it if I am really close to something and/or have it on Macro setting.  But it didn't stop me.  I am determined to start taking better pictures, so I am jumping in feet first to You Capture.  Here are some photos from my week.

Dead Fish

*Be sure to go check out my Review Blog.  I have 2 really great giveaways going right now!

I have said before how much I love watching my children play together.  Seth came out the other day with Libby and showed me her new trick that he taught her.  Yes, he taught her this.



Seriously, I love these kids. They really do make everything worth it.

Be Fashionable...or at least TRY!

Dear Friends,

It wasn't long ago when I wore tapered jeans, big over-sized t-shirts and sweatshirts and tennis shoes everywhere I went.  When I entered college, I was a Birkenstock wearing, Overalls donning kind of girl.  I still loved my big t-shirts to hide my body.

It really hasn't been until the last two years that I have started to find comfort in my body and become a wee bit more fashionable.

Since money has always been an issue, I have had to do it on the cheap.  I love the blog Cardigan Empire.  She gives great advice on dressing for your body type, and gives less expensive options.

So, here are my top 10 tips on Being Fashionable...on a BUDGET.

1. Never buy a name brand anything.  Seriously, you don't need to, at least not at brand named prices.

2. Shop at discount stores like TJ Maxx, Ross or Marshalls. See #1.

3. Reinforce the knees and butts of your jeans.  Say you do pay a lot for a pair of jeans (this is one area where I will spend a little bit to get a good pair of jeans), you probably can't afford to get more than one pair and if you do, you absolutely can't get 2.  So, get some denim patches and iron them onto the inside of your jeans at the butt and knees.  This will make it so your jeans will last longer. (you can do this with your kids jeans too, I highly recommend it)

4. Take care of your shoes.  Rotate out your summer shoes in winter so that they stay in good shape through the winter.  Some people keep the boxes and keep their shoes in the boxes.  But, my closet isn't nearly big enough, so I just put them in a box and put them in storage.

5. Look in magazines for styles you like, then try to copy them.  It is highly likely you can find items very similar to what you see in fashion magazines but at really great prices in discount stores.

6. Accessorize.  I can not emphasize this enough.  You can get earrings, necklaces, bracelets and bags for pretty inexpensive.  These items can really make your outfit, however plain, pop.

7.  Have a clothing swap with your friends.  When you are sick of your wardrobe, invite some friends (of similar size) to do a clothing swap.  Everyone brings things they don't wear anymore and put them in a pile then everyone can choose new items of clothing.  Way fun and free!

8. Don't be afraid of thrift stores.  You can find some amazing things at Thrift Stores.  Don't be afraid of them.

9.  Learn to sew.  I have saved a lot of money and have been able to be pretty fashionable just by knowing how to sew.

10. Don't be afraid.  Be bold, have fun and don't be afraid to try something new with your style!

So, those are my 10 tips.  What are yours?  How do you dress fashionably and not break the budget??



I wrote this blog post while participating in the TwitterMoms and Gap Outlet blogging program to be eligible to win a $20 gift card. For more information on how you can participate, click here.

Best Friends

*Be sure to go over here and enter to win a great giveaway!!

We went to help with Seth's class field trip to the Zoo.  We ate lunch in his classroom with him and his friends.  They got on the bus, we drove in the car.  As soon as we got out he yelled for Amelia to join him and his friends.  He grabbed her hand and kept her next to him, protecting her, being her best friend.

I love their relationship.  I love what a fabulous big brother he is to his sisters.  I love how much she loves him and looks up to him.  These kids just make everything worthwhile.

You Capture :: Yellow

I am not a regular participant in You Capture, but I really should be.  It forces me to really focus on something and try to take better pictures.  This week's challenge was yellow.  I love the juxtaposition of these two pictures, one taken on Monday and the other taken on Sunday.  I love the snow on the yellow flowers, the way they are not shrinking from their trial, but staying strong.

I love my girl in Yellow.  It just fits her personality, bright, happy and sunny.

Don't Mess With Grieving Parents (cause we stick together)

As Mother's Day drew to a close, I sat down at my computer to unwind a bit.  I logged into Twitter and saw this post from my friend, Loralee...

I was shocked, but only for a minute.  Because in the last 7 years I have learned a lot of things, one of them is that people who have no idea what they are talking about will usually spout off and make their complete ignorance known.

I have had several people say things to my face about my grief, how I am grieving, with their opinions on what happened, what I should have done, what I should have said, how I should have acted or should act...I've heard just about everything.  I have had a few horrific experiences where people said things and I had to stand there and try to keep my composure as my heart was being ripped to shreds.

Sadly, I am used to this.  It is my life.  It is what I deal with every day, as does every other parent who has lost a child.

So, when I saw this tweet from Loralee, I wasn't too surprised.  I had barely responded to her tweet when my phone rang, I knew that number, it was her.

Since we live in the same town and have been walking this walk for the same amount of time, we often will chat and vent to one another.  I knew this call was coming.

I immediately asked what happened, and she summed it up saying that a woman had sent her a very concerned email.  This woman had seen that she was speaking at a conference this summer and was really worried about how she was going to be able to handle speaking about grief when she seems to be so fixated on hers.  She implied that she didn't think it was healthy and helping anyone to be so focused on the child that was gone and that by posting about him twice in a row was, excessive.

This is where I dropped the phone because I could not believe that someone had the audacity to tell her how to grieve and what was and wasn't okay.  Seriously.  The woman then went on to say that what she really had a problem with was this picture.

My first thought was, why? Because her son was leaning on the headstone?  But no, because it is morbid and inappropriate to post a picture of her family around the headstone of her dead son.  The only family picture you can get with all of your children in it.

Does she mean like this???  Like the SEVERAL pictures I have of my kids playing with their sister the only way they can?  The pictures that I have of my family with one of the only tangible things I have left of Emma?  Is this what she was talking about?  Maybe I am a bit excessive too and maybe I am a bit fixated on my child.

Click to make it bigger...that is if you don't think it's too morbid.

Now, I rarely get into anything like this online.  If someone hurts a friend, I console my friend in private, but will rarely say a word online because I am a peacemaker and like everyone to be happy.

But this crossed a line for me.  Let me just say this, if you have not lost a child do not tell a grieving parent what they should and shouldn't do and what seems excessive to you.  You have no idea.  You don't know what it is like to have Mother's Day come and to know that you have only part of your family here with you.  You don't know what it is like to have birthday's come only to go celebrate them in a cemetery.  You don't know what it is like to watch other children your child's age grow and know that you will not get to see that.  You just don't know.

Heck, I have lost a child and I still wouldn't do that.  Why?  Because everyone grieves so differently.  Grief is a strange animal and it manifests in so many different ways.

I have chosen writing to help me on my path to healing.  It isn't for everyone.  In fact a few months after Emma died, I convinced Jeremy that he should get a journal and start writing.  I mean, it was helping me, surely it would help him, right?  Wrong.  He wrote in it once.  What helps one person may not help another. 

If you go into my archives and read around August and December (yep, including July, September, November and January) of every year you will find many posts about Emma.  You will see that I am sad, I am focusing on her, I am maybe even writing about her excessively.  But guess what?  That is my prerogative.  This is how I have chosen to cope, to heal, to live my life.  If you don't like it I have 4 words for you.  Shut the H*** Up Don't Read My Blog. (you know I am riled up when I have a pseudo-swear word in here).

One more thing that was mentioned, either in that email or another one Loralee received that night.  She was told to stop focusing so much on the child that is gone and start focusing more on the children that are here.

I really have a hard time with this.  I have been told this several times by many well intentioned people.  But here is the thing.  I focus almost all of my time and energy on my living children.  I am with them day in and day out.  I feed them, clothe them, play with them, shuttle them to and fro, do all the things a Mother does and I am dang good at it.  I am there for them, I listen to them, I rock them, I dry their tears and I cry with them.   And just because I do all of that with them doesn't make me love and miss Emma any less.

So, why would it make me be less present and love my living children less if I still miss Emma?  If I cry about her, if I long for her, if I wish with all my heart I could do all the things I am doing with my other kids with her?  Why is that not okay?  Why is that so taboo?  Why can't I do both?  Why can't we all do both?

I love all of my children.  They each make my heart ache in their own way.  I swell with pride when thinking about each of them.  And at times I fixate on each of them individually.  And if when I am hurting because I miss the one who is not here, I write about her a bit more than usual, that's okay.  It's how I am healing.

And I am healing.

Because of a Shirt at TJ Maxx

Come check out my review and giveaway for an awesome new kids book!

I went to TJ Maxx the other day.  I don't typically go shopping for myself, but I had $25 that I had just gotten from my in-laws for Mother's Day and it was burning a hole in my pocket.  Oh, and I had just sold a sling too, so I decided to splurge a little.

So, off to TJ Maxx I went and found a few shirts that I thought were cute.  Then I found some Born Sandals for only $40!!!  SQUEE!  Running short on time (darn that school pick up) I hurried and tried on the shirts.  I settled on one that I thought would look cute with jeans and took off like a crazy woman to get Seth from school.

I got home and remembered some fabric I had bought to make myself a dress.  Excited that the stars had aligned and I would actually have something that MATCHED, a ran downstairs with my new shirt in hand and put it by the fabric, oh my gosh it was meant to be.

I whipped up a slightly modified gathered skirt from this pattern.  It took all of about 30 minutes and I am thrilled with the results.  At Church, my friends said they would never guess it was homemade, except that it was mine and that typically means that I made it.

I finished it and talked the man into a little photo shoot so I could see how it looked on.  I don't have a full length mirror in my house, so this is what I do. We got one good shot before shoot turned a little silly....

But that's okay because I can be as silly as I want to when I am wearing the most comfortable outfit that I now own and when it is so super cute!

Mother's Day Recap

Sunshine, babies, good food, afternoon nap, chocolate...what a fabulous day.  How was your Mother's Day?

Happy Mother's Day

Today I am so grateful for my Mother, my Mother-in-law, Sisters, Grandmothers and the many friends that I have that have shaped the kind of Mother I am.  But mostly, I am grateful for these 5 people who made me a Mother and love me despite everything.

Happy Mother's Day.  I hope your day is filled with smiles, laughter and lots of chocolate!!! 

I hope you enjoy this video as much as I do.  This woman is such an example to me, and I couldn't think of a better video to show you on Mother's Day.

Someone Take Away the Scissors

I've gotten a little cutting happy this weekend.  It started with Libby on Sunday.  I was sick of her hair always being in her face.

When I did put it up in a Whale Spout, as I did most days, it just naturally wanted to go forward, so it looked like a horn or something like that.  So...I did it.  I made my baby look like a Toddler with one cut of the scissors.

That was on Sunday.  As you all know, I got Amelia's hair cut about a month ago.  I was tired of the constant fight of doing her hair, so I took her to get it cut short.

But guess what? We were still fighting.  She wouldn't keep her clips in her hair and now it is too short to put in a pony tail.  Note to self: Do NOT cut your daughter's hair short again, do not do this.  Listen to your husband.  Instead, give her bangs.

Totally cute and her hair is out of her face now.  She also might look a little like Ramona Quimby when you do this.  Awesome!

P.S.  Just because I know how much you all LOVE Amelia's fashion sense...here you go.  You're welcome.

And yes, I absolutely let her out in public like this.  What other time in your life can you dress like this and have it be okay?

Our Grand Getaway

It all started on Friday night when Libby was up all night screaming.  She told me her ear hurt.  "Of course", I thought, "Jeremy and I are going away on Thursday night, so of course her ear hurts!"  The next morning I took her to Urgent Care and got some antibiotics to treat her double ear infection.

We were going.

Tuesday night, my period hadn't arrived.  I had taken a test and found out I was not pregnant (whew!), but wondered where my period was.  It was 4 days late, and while I hadn't had a period since I got pregnant with Emma before January, since then I was very regular, every 28 days.  It showed up that night.  With a vengeance.  Awesome.  My Man and I are to go on a romantic night away and I will be on day 2 of my period.  Sweet.

But, we were still going.

Thursday morning I woke up to Amelia in my bed saying, "Mom, I don't feel good.  I think I'm going to throw up".  She ran to the bathroom and proceeded to vomit.  Fantastic.

She laid around all morning and just didn't feel good.  She didn't have a fever, but I couldn't leave her with my Mom if she was sick.

Jeremy and I wracked our brains as to why she was sick.  Then we remembered...she had a grilled cheese sandwich the night before.  She and high quantities of milk don't get along.  I get lax and don't think about it, but when it comes to straight milk or cheese, she will get sick.  Every single time.

My Mom got her some crackers, jell-o and soup and she was feeling better.

We were going.  And we did.  Despite the Universe working against us, we went to Salt Lake City for 1 night and had the best time ever.

About a month ago, I won a contest on Super Mom Central's blog for a night's stay at The Grand America Hotel and Afternoon Tea for Two. 

We arrived at the hotel and checked in.  We went to our room, on the 20th floor!!!, and couldn't believe our eyes.  This room was AMAZING.  First of all, the VIEW.  HELLO!

Upon check-in there was a plate of 6 chocolate covered strawberries and a note from the Hotel Manager for us. 

We checked out our surroundings, and then went down to tea.  I wish I had pictures to share with you, but I took them all on my phone and they didn't turn out very great.  So, you will just have to believe me and go check out the website to see for yourself.

I had Raspberry Tea and Jeremy had Mint Hot Chocolate.  We were then treated to English Scones (I believe they were currant, so yummy!) with Lemon Curd, Strawberry Jam and English Cream.  We also were given a plate of finger sandwiches and had our first taste of Caviar.  We felt SO fancy.  Just when we were feeling very full and happy, the sweet hostess brought out the dessert cart.  There was Carrot Cake, Chocolate Chip Cheesecake and 6 varieties of French Pastries.  We both chose the cheesecake and she also gave us fresh strawberries with whipped cream and a pastry to try.  AMAZING.

When we were finished, we went back to our room to relax and unwind.

Later that evening we went to dinner downtown and then back to the hotel.  For $10/day you can visit the Spa and use the indoor pool, hot tub, sauna and steam room.  Best $10 we spent the whole time we were there.  The entire place just made you want to relax.  I felt so mellow and happy, it was such a nice change from my everyday life.

We slept fabulously and awoke ready for the next day.  We decided on having breakfast at the Garden Cafe restaurant in the hotel.  I was really wanting Eggs Benedict, but when the waitress informed us that we could do the buffet for $15 a person, we were all over that.  This was no normal buffet by the way.  If I was in Salt Lake for breakfast again, I would go there.  While I didn't get my Eggs Benedict, we did have fabulous pastries, fresh fruit, omelets, crepes, bacon, sausage, oatmeal...the list goes on.  We left stuffed and happy.

We really had such a wonderful time (except for the part where a stranger asked me when I was due and I about smacked her but we were at the Temple and that just wouldn't be appropriate so I smiled and said I wasn't pregnant and she felt really dumb.) and can't wait to go back.  As a matter of fact, we are already planning our next trip to The Grand America.  If you live in the area, you should too.  They have a special right now, when you book a night you will get $100 to use in the hotel.  That would be a fabulous $100, you could use it in the Spa for a massage, or for Tea and Room Service, in the Sweet Shoppe (oh yeah, FABULOUS!!!!) or in any of the Restaurants or Shops.



Enjoy the video.  I couldn't finish it completely because the battery died on my camera.  This just gives you an idea of what the rooms look like.  Looking back I wish I had made the bed before taking the video, but hey, we've all seen a bed after it's been slept in, right? ;)

Really, everything was perfect.  The only complaint we had was that we couldn't stay longer.  Oh and that Jeremy got shocked everytime he touched anything in the Hotel.  Maybe a little static guard on his shoes next time? 

We can't wait to return.  See you again soon Grand America.

*The Grand America hotel in no way sponsored this post or even knows I am writing it.  I just wanted to pass along to all of you bits of our great stay and hope you can go stay too!