Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Snow.

Today is April 28 (thanks Connie) and it is SNOWING at my house.  I am just beyond upset about this.  I hate snow in the Winter, I LOATHE it in the Spring.  Jeremy has the attitude that it is just white rain, but I can't get on board with that.  Stupid snow.

So, I am editing photos and remembering LAST WEEK when it was in the 60's and 70's and I got some nice tan on my skin.





 My new dress I made for myself.  I LOVE IT!!!
 Dresses I made for the girls.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Sisters

Please come visit my review blog and make a comment.  Easiest $1 you will ever donate to a good cause.

When I was little I envied girls who had a sister close to their age.  The way they would play together, tell secrets, and know things about each other that no one else could....I ached for it. 


I wanted so badly to have a girl, close to my age, that I could play with, who wanted me around and who I could just laugh with.
My sister got married when I was 12.  I wanted a sister that I could tell about my first kiss, and boys that I liked and could share clothes with.  She was great...just so much older that we never shared these moments.

Now, as I watch my two girls, I am so grateful they have each other.  They have jokes, they love to play and laugh together.  Libby wakes up and looks for "Mia" in her bed, she loves her sissy, and her sissy loves her.


I am so glad they have each other.


And so glad they like each other.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Enjoy

We have been out enjoying the sunshine for the last few days, and that has made for no posting.  However, I wanted to post something very important today.  Please go over to my review site and comment to help us raise money for Breast Cancer research.  When you're done doing that, go to this post on Blogher and comment again to help raise even more money!  Every comment is worth $1.  It's the easiest way to donate and help find a cure.

What are you waiting for?  An invitation?  Well, here it is.  GO NOW!

Thanks so much....

Friday, April 16, 2010

The Aftermath

It is 4 am and I am awake with the baby.  She is not a baby anymore, but she is my baby and she is wide awake.  I am frustrated with her, but then I think of her older sister.  I think of my oldest who I would give anything in the world to be up all night with.  My mind starts wandering back to that place, the place where it goes when things are quiet and the world is still.  My mind starts wandering back to that Summer day 6 years ago.

*******

Here I am, 26 years old and am sitting in a cold sterile hospital room holding my baby girl, wiping her face around the tubes that were put in to help her breathe.  Singing to her one last time, cutting a lock of her hair, smelling her, feeling her back where it is still warm, trying to believe she is still alive.  Then it is time.  I know it is time.  I have to leave.  As I choke back a sob, I leave my baby's lifeless body on the hospital bed, open the glass door and walk away. 

*******

Saturday morning started much like every other. I woke up with the sun and with my sweet Emma crawling up and whispering in my face.  Letting Jeremy sleep in, Emma and I got ready and walked to Weight Watchers.  She played with people's water bottles, got super dirty (seriously, those carpets never get cleaned!), and entertained the masses.

We went home and I got online.  I posted a bit in my due date forum, talked with my dear friends, read what others had written and then wrote something really important.  On that day, I wrote on the ICAN board, Today I am going to be happy.  This was really important because for the last 8 months I had really been struggling with the fact that I'd had a c-section.  I had really struggled with the fact that I was going to have to fight to have a vaginal birth when I had another baby.  I was tired of struggling though, I was tired of feeling like a failure.  She was born, that was all that mattered.  So, that day, I decided to be happy.

******

“It's your Mom and Dad's Anniversary, we should go over there.  Plus your sister wants to see us and Emma before she takes off to the football game”.

We got our things ready and headed over to see Jeremy's folks.  30 years they'd been married, we needed to celebrate with them.  Emma had dirt under her nails and dirty knees from our excursion that morning, I wiped off her knees and decided to clip her nails after her bath that night.  I grabbed a few diapers and wipes and we were off.

We arrived at Grandma and Grandpa's house and Emma immediately started crawling around.  She ate Cheerios, the decision to buy outlet guards was made and she did a huge poop.  About an hour or so later, she was exhausted and ready to nurse.  She nursed for an hour.  I remember that hour so well.  I played with her hair, was disgusted at her nails, and just loved on my baby.

When it came time to lay her down, I tried putting her in the playpen, but she just wouldn't have it.  She had always slept on our bed with us, so I put her on the bed upstairs.

******

“Honey, we're going to get some Winter clothes for Em, Children's Orchard just put out their good Winter stuff today.  She's upstairs sleeping, call on your Mom's cell if she wakes up and I'll come right home”.

An hour later I returned with bags of cute clothing that would never be worn.

“Is Emma still asleep?  I need to go check on her” I said.
“I just did 10 minutes ago, she was fine.  But if you want to you can”. My father-in-law replied. 

I didn't want him to think I didn't trust him, so despite the feeling in my heart and the voice in my head that said, “If anything happens to her I'll never forgive myself”, I didn't.  I showed him the clothes we bought and sat down enjoying the silence that comes before my baby woke up.

3 minutes later...

“Kim, there's something wrong with Emma, I found her like this”.

I will never forget what my Mother-in-law said that day.  I screamed for Jeremy when I saw my baby, who didn't look like my baby anymore.  When I looked at her and knew her Spirit was gone.

The Paramedics were called, they worked so hard, we sped to the hospital, “faster, faster, faster” I prayed. 

******

In a room at the hospital, the doctor comes in and tells me she's gone.  I hit him.  I cry.  I make phone calls to tell my family.  The Social Worker asks where we want to bury her.  I don't know.  I don't know. I don't know.  I just want to see her.  I just want to hold my baby.  I just want to wake up from this nightmare.

******

What do I do now?  We went home with Jeremy's sister and her friend.  I asked her to post to my due date forum about Emma.  They needed to know.  They were my family.

When we got home, I walked in the door and just didn't know what to do.  Her smell was everywhere, permeating every bit of where we lived.  Her highchair ready for her to sit in, diapers in the pail waiting to be washed, the books and toys she's played with that morning, her clothes, our bed...everywhere I looked I saw Emma.  But it was so silent.  My breasts were full with milk and had no one to feed.  The silence overwhelmed me.  Where was she?

Jeremy's best friends parents came over.  They had a baby die also.  I asked her, what do I do now?  I am so lost.  I just don't know what to do now.

A friend called, one who was in my due date forum with me.  She had a baby die in utero at 19 weeks.  I sobbed to her, what do I do now?

I talked to the organ and tissue donation people.  So surreal.  I couldn't believe this was my life now.  I couldn't believe that just 5 hours ago my life was normal and now it was changed forever.

We couldn't sleep, we couldn't eat.  We just held each other and cried.  We talked, we cried.  Finally we both fell into a fitful sleep only to wake up and realize our nightmare was real.


******

“Your Mom and Stephanie will be there today.  They are renting a car and will come right over”.

The immediate aftermath is frenzied.  Making arrangements, where to bury her, buying a plot, designing a headstone, flying to Utah, what to bury her in, who to call, what to do, what to do, what to do.

Jeremy's Parents dealt with the funeral home for me.  My Mom, Jeremy's Mom, my Sister-in-law and someone else (but I don't remember who) dressed her.  A friend of my Mom's came and did hand and foot molds of her for us.  I just existed.  As much as I didn't want to, I kept going.

I remember so vividly the pain.  First there was the physical.  The obvious pain.  My breasts were so swollen and rock hard.  They were hot and huge and hurt at all times, especially when someone would hug me...which happened a lot. 

Then there was the pain that was not so obvious.  The searing pain of loss.  The feeling of being completely empty inside and filled with darkness.  The knowing in my head that she was gone, but waking every morning frantically looking for her. 

I can see myself sitting on the floor of the living room, the warm sunshine streaming in through the window.   My sister Stephanie is trying to get me to eat and suddenly the tears come.  They start silently going down my face.  I am thinking of trying to feed Emma solids and know that it will never happen again.  Then my body starts to shake with sobs.  I cry, I scream, I beg, I plead, I bargain with God, just anything to get her back.  It doesn't help, she is gone.  I scream so hard to try to erase the emptiness I feel inside.  I wander around my small apartment searching for her.  Expecting her to be in another room, sleeping or hiding or just waiting for me.  She is not though.  The reality is too much to bear.  The reality that she is at the mortuary, cold and lifeless, I just can't take it.  I scream again and again and again.

Slowly the tears stop and I can breathe again.  I imagine this is what contractions feel like.  They come, build up slowly, peak and you think you can't do it anymore, and then subside.  I am finally laboring, laboring my grief.


******

It has been 6 years 8 months since Emma died.  I would be lying if I said that I didn't miss her anymore or that it is easier.  It is not easier, it is just different.  I have learned to live with a hole in my heart.  I have learned to laugh without feeling guilty, I have learned to love without fear of my children dying.  I have learned to treasure moments and to not take my babies for granted.  But it still hurts.  I still cry, I still long, I still miss her.

In the days, weeks, months and years that have followed Emma's death, I have played the worst time in my life over and over in my mind.  That truly was the worst time of my life.  The most painful, the most trying, the absolute hardest thing I have ever had to endure.

And what I find is that I am not done enduring it.  I will be enduring this for as long as I live.  This is part of me, part of my life, part of who I am.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Brothers

Everyday I hear the same thing, "Mom, I really just want a brother".  I know he does, and I want him to have a brother.  But I am not ready yet.  I am trying so hard to get my body back, 4 babies in 5 1/2 years has really done a number on me...and my abs.


But, I can't stop thinking about that brother.  The one he wants to play Star Wars with, the one he wants to ride bikes with.  He sees his friends who have brothers close in age and he wants that.  I can't explain to him that even if he does get a brother he will be much younger, it doesn't matter to him.  He just wants a brother, now.

He will have to wait.  It will be a lesson in patience. He will be just fine waiting for a brother. But I think even if he never gets that brother...he will be just fine. 


Please visit me over here today also as I have written about Breast Cancer and how we can help find a cure.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

What Happens on Tatoonie...

Please come over and read what I wrote about Breast Cancer. It's really important ok?  Thanks!!! 

Stays on Tatooine.

Courtesy of our resident Sith Lord, Seth.

Monday, April 12, 2010

Breast Cancer and Me.

Today I have written about something near and dear to my heart, Breast Cancer.  Please come read my story and share it with your friends and families.  Together we can make a difference, come read how.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Random Bits

It may be cold and snowy outside, but that isn't stopping Spring from coming to my house.



********************

Thank you ALL for your fabulous comments about my inches lost.  I am really happy about it too.  So, here is my secret, are you ready?  Exercise.  Regular exercise.  I know, I wish it was easier too.  I found something I really enjoy can tolerate doing at the gym several times a week and I do it.  I have been cycling 2-3 times a week for the last month and a half and have recently added in a weight lifting and body shaping class.  That's it.  I am trying to eat better and I am sure that if I actually did, the weight would come off a lot faster.  But I have this sweet tooth and so little self control when it comes to chocolate.

Anyway, that's it.  I just have been exercising and that is it.  I will do pictures again in July, that will be every 3 months.  It will be fun to see what has happened by then.

*************************

It is day 3 of Spring Break around these parts and we have had snow, snow, and more snow.  Lovely huh?  It is actually supposed to warm up today and hopefully melt the snow.  Even though it will kill the snowman the children and I made yesterday, we will all be okay with that.

We are all ready for sunshine, bike rides, park days, and digging in the dirt.  But until then, they are happy to play with each other (most of the time) and I am content taking their pictures.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Maddie

One year ago I had no idea who Madeline Spohr was.  I didn't know her Mom or her Dad.  I had no idea the impact she would make on my life and the lives of so many others.

One year ago today, Madeline Alice Spohr became and Angel.  Today is her Angel day.  She was the first born of her Mama and Daddy and is so loved.  She had big blue eyes and a smile that is sure to melt your heart.

I first wrote about Maddie on April 10 of last year.  Three days after she had been gone.  Three days into her family's nightmare.

I immediately emailed Heather, as I do any Mom when I find out they have lost a baby.  You can feel so alone and it is nice to know you're not.

Heather and I didn't really start corresponding until after Blogher this year though.  You see, Heather became pregnant 1 month after Maddie died.  This was something that I could understand completely.  Lose your first baby and get pregnant right away?  I got it.  The grief compiled with pregnancy hormones is just indescribable.  I only wish I lived closer so I could have gone and actually helped her face to face.

Today is Maddie's Day.  Today is the day her folks will cry and laugh when they think of her.  Today they will hold onto Maddie's little sister, Annie, extra tight and say an extra prayer for her.

Today millions around the globe will remember Maddie and send prayers, thoughts, and good energy to help uplift those who miss and love Madeline oh so much.

I didn't know Maddie in this life, I am so glad I have had the chance to get to know her through Heather though.

Today I pray Maddie's spirit can be with her Mama and Daddy and they can feel her close.  I pray that other babies who are born so early and have damaged lungs will receive the care they need so no more parents have to do the unthinkable, say goodbye to their babies.

Today I hold Heather, Mike and Annie close in my heart.

And today, in honor of Maddie, everything sale in my Etsy shop will be donated to March of Dimes.

Monday, April 5, 2010

January to April...



Do you see it?

How about now?

Me too.  This is just the beginning folks. 
I am so excited.
I haven't lost any weight, but I've lost 1 1/2 inches off my waist and hips and butt.  
Religious working out is paying off.  Not only am I looking better, I am feeling so much better. YAY!

Sunday, April 4, 2010

Happy Easter

Happy Easter to all of my friends. I hope you have a beautiful day filled with family and love. Celebrate the life and mission of our Savior, Jesus Christ and know that He lives.

Friday, April 2, 2010

The Force...

is strong with this one, don't you think?



Have a lovely weekend my friends. Enjoy your family and celebrating Easter together.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

God has a Funny Sense of Humor


This is no April Fool's Joke.  I wish it were.  Instead it is what it looked like out my front window this morning.  Yes, I am crying.