Mom: Seth? Why is your name written on Amelia's apron?
Seth: Oh it's because I used to have a restaurant named "Seth" and that was her worker apron
Dad: Used to have a restaurant?
Seth: Yeah, it ran out of money and people didn't come there anymore so I quit.
Yep, times are so tough that my 5 year old's play restaurant went out of business.
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Friday, January 29, 2010
Positive/Negative/HUH??
I have taken a lot of pregnancy tests...a lot. There is something about peeing on a stick and watching it do something that is just so fun! Every time I have peed on said stick, I have wanted the same thing, to be pregnant.
Only a few times have I gotten a response I didn't want. But it never took long and I got the two lines, or the plus sign, or whatever the almight test deemed a positive answer.
This week, however, I got an answer I didn't really want. Not yet at least. I am tired, I have mentioned this before. And, while I know I am not done having babies, I also know that I just can't handle another right now (or in 9 months).
So, when I took the Equate (Walmart brand) pregnancy test yesterday and it came back positive (faint line, but still positive) I cried. I cried because I just didn't think I could handle this. I told my husband, 3 good friends and my Mom. My folks were ready to move out here to help me, one friend came over with cupcakes and Dr. Pepper. I started to feel ok about it.
This morning I went to the doctor. I had an appointment for my yearly exam and to get an IUD. The irony was not lost on me at all. I told her that I had taken 2 tests yesterday and they both came back positive, so they did another test. This one was negative. HUH? She then had blood drawn to check my hCG levels. The lab was super fast and the results came back within 2 hours. Negative. My hCG levels were at like a 2 and to have a positive pregnancy test they have to be at 100. HUH???
I have always thought that you could get a false negative, but not a false positive. I have taken another test, this time a fancy schmancy digital one that says, "NOT PREGNANT". Ok, starting to believe it...but what if??? To say this has been an emotional roller coaster is an understatement.
So, it looks like I'm not and really I am happy. I want to get in shape, I want to be healthier, I want to get some sleep before having another baby. Iwant need to be in a better place, emotionally/mentally/physically/spiritually, before I get pregnant again. So really, this is a good thing, really.
But there is a part of me, a small part, that is a little disappointed. Because really, who doesn't love a baby?
Only a few times have I gotten a response I didn't want. But it never took long and I got the two lines, or the plus sign, or whatever the almight test deemed a positive answer.
This week, however, I got an answer I didn't really want. Not yet at least. I am tired, I have mentioned this before. And, while I know I am not done having babies, I also know that I just can't handle another right now (or in 9 months).
So, when I took the Equate (Walmart brand) pregnancy test yesterday and it came back positive (faint line, but still positive) I cried. I cried because I just didn't think I could handle this. I told my husband, 3 good friends and my Mom. My folks were ready to move out here to help me, one friend came over with cupcakes and Dr. Pepper. I started to feel ok about it.
This morning I went to the doctor. I had an appointment for my yearly exam and to get an IUD. The irony was not lost on me at all. I told her that I had taken 2 tests yesterday and they both came back positive, so they did another test. This one was negative. HUH? She then had blood drawn to check my hCG levels. The lab was super fast and the results came back within 2 hours. Negative. My hCG levels were at like a 2 and to have a positive pregnancy test they have to be at 100. HUH???
I have always thought that you could get a false negative, but not a false positive. I have taken another test, this time a fancy schmancy digital one that says, "NOT PREGNANT". Ok, starting to believe it...but what if??? To say this has been an emotional roller coaster is an understatement.
So, it looks like I'm not and really I am happy. I want to get in shape, I want to be healthier, I want to get some sleep before having another baby. I
But there is a part of me, a small part, that is a little disappointed. Because really, who doesn't love a baby?
Thursday, January 28, 2010
The Boardin' Boys
Last night my boys went snowboarding. They did this last year and had such a fabulous time. It is great for the girls because we get to have our "girls night" and the boys get to go and have fun with each other.
My "fierce" little man
They are ready man.
Jeremy and Seth went to dinner at Fredrico's, a local pizza place, then up to Beaver for snowboarding. They got home at 10 pm and had a FANTASTIC time!!! Seth was so tired, but just couldn't stop talking about all the fun he had.
Amelia, Libby and I went to Pier 49 Pizza and got a veggie gluten-free pizza. Pretty yummy, but way too small for the cost. Anyway, we then went home and ate brownies and ice cream and watched a Strawberry Shortcake movie. Oh, and we can't forget the painting of Amelia's fingernails and toes. It is the highlight of girls night for Amelia!
It was a great night and I can't wait to do it again. My kids love it and so do Jeremy and I. Next up, Mom and Seth time and Daddy and girls time. Love this parenting gig.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
These Children
I wanted to share this email I got this week. This is from my friend, Shelley, who works with the children in our church.
Kim,
I have to tell you what your 2 cuties said during Sharing Time yesterday. I was talking about Jesus blessing the Nephite children and how he held them on his lap. I said that Jesus had probably given each of the children a hug, then I asked the Primary kids, "If you had been there and Jesus had given you a hug, what would you want to give him?" Some of the kids said they would give Jesus a hug. Amelia said, "I would draw a picture of myself and give it to Jesus." Seth (being Seth) said, "i would give him a light saber!" They crack me up! Thanks for sharing them with me!
Oh man, my kids are just the funniest. I have tears rolling down my cheeks from laughing. I am so very blessed.
Kim,
I have to tell you what your 2 cuties said during Sharing Time yesterday. I was talking about Jesus blessing the Nephite children and how he held them on his lap. I said that Jesus had probably given each of the children a hug, then I asked the Primary kids, "If you had been there and Jesus had given you a hug, what would you want to give him?" Some of the kids said they would give Jesus a hug. Amelia said, "I would draw a picture of myself and give it to Jesus." Seth (being Seth) said, "i would give him a light saber!" They crack me up! Thanks for sharing them with me!
Oh man, my kids are just the funniest. I have tears rolling down my cheeks from laughing. I am so very blessed.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Thyroid Issues
January is National Thyroid Awareness Month
When Seth was 14 months old I thought I was pregnant. I mean, I'd done it two times before and I knew what it felt like to be pregnant. I was BONE tired all the time. Seriously exhausted all the time. I just couldn't wake up. I was also having a really hard time losing weight. I couldn't get it off and I couldn't wake up. It was making me crazy. I took so many pregnancy tests that I should have bought stock in E.P.T!
Finally, I went to my doctor. He ran a lot of tests and found out that my thyroid was was really low. I had no idea what the thyroid was or did. I quickly learned though.
The thyroid is a small gland located in the middle of the lower neck, which produces hormones that regulate many functions including temperature, weight gain, and weight loss. Many Americans experience various problems with the functioning of their thyroid. Some red flags to watch for are:
- sudden weight gain or increase in body fat
- inability to lose weight despite proper diet and exercise
- fatigue, insomnia or restless sleep, anxiety or panic attacks
- gas, bloating, diarrhea, or constipation
- chronic sinusitis or lingering infections
It is important if you notice these warning signs you see your physician to learn more. Cause I'm not a doctor!
There are also many online resources for those seeking more information and support. One online resource is the Fibro 360 Community – Fibromyalgia and Fatigue Center. This online community not only offers a network of support, but also resources to those seeking more information about fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue syndrome, and related disorders including those concerning the thyroid.
This is a community I could have used when I first was diagnosed. And now that I have been on my thyroid medication for 4 1/2 years, I feel that I can help those who are very new in this journey.
If you’d like to learn more or would like to join the Fibro 360 Community, please visit Fibro 360 on Facebook .
Could you use a little pampering? One of you lucky readers will win a $25 gift card to Amazon.com to be used on whatever you need! Let Fibro 360 treat you!
To enter, please visit the Fibro 360 Community on Facebook and become a fan, then let us know in the comments. Would you like a bonus entry? Let me know that you follow @Fibro360 on Twitter!
Contest ends January 31st at 11:59 p.m. EST.
Something Has Got to Change and I Think It's Me.
I have been working on this post for a couple of days now. Starting and stopping, sitting to write when I have a minute then going to wipe noses, tears, bums, fetch small objects out of a mouth, feed another mouth...the life of a Mom.
And that is really what this is about. The life of a Mom and how easy it is to get lost in that life.
I have not slept through the night (unmedicated) since the summer of 2002. For those of you who are math challenged, that is almost 8 years.
Eight years ago this April I found out I was pregnant with Emma. In that time, save 1 month, I have been pregnant, breastfeeding, or both. Think about that for a minute. Yeah, that's a long time.
I have been giving of myself so much. I give and give and give. I do receive, don't get me wrong, but my well is starting to dry up.
Last week I talked about my therapy assignment, and I'm working on that. But another assignment I've been given is to say to myself everyday, "I am important, I am valuable, what do I need?"
In order for me to say this to myself every day, multiple times a day, I think I need to analyze it a bit first.
I am important. Really?
The fourth of five children, I was probably the easiest child for my parents to raise. I had three older siblings who required a lot of mental, emotional and at times, physical energy from my parents. To say they were difficult is a bit of an understatement. My younger brother was always very sweet, but had some medical issues that required a lot of my folks also. I was just me. Overly dramatic me. Maybe it was my way of crying out for some attention. Maybe it's just the way I am wired, or my reaction to my surroundings, but I was dramatic and that was that.
I never felt very important and never felt like I was someone that was worth a lot. I had one brother who constantly berated me and verbally abused me. Those wounds are slow to heal.
I remember being really amazed that Jeremy wanted to spend forever with me. I mean really, who was I to be worthy of that? I kept waiting, and if I am being honest I still am, for him to realize that he could do so much better and be gone.
Fast forward to now; 4 children in 5 1/2 years, very little to no sleep, very demanding children (aren't they all??) and I find that it is easy to let myself get lost in the shuffle. It becomes increasingly easier to say that I can't do things because of my family. To tell myself that they are more important than I am. That what they want is more important than what I want. That their needs are higher than mine. And while this may be true sometimes, I am equally important. I am equally valuable.
I am valuable.
I imagine every Mother out there thinks, "Sure I'm valuable, I am the nurse, chauffeur, cook, housekeeper, laundress, seamstress, referee, tutor, coach, psychiatrist, teacher, nurturer...I have some value".
But, don't I have value outside of being a Wife and a Mother? These are the two best jobs I could ask for, yet I find that I am not satisfied, not content.
As I think about this, it occurs to me that you can not be happy with others until you are happy with yourself. I can not give something that I do not have. I can not be satisfied and content with being a Wife and Mom until I am satisfied and content with being Kim.
This is where realizing my value comes in. Am I valuable enough to take the time to work on me? Am I important enough to save?
I escape a lot and hide at the computer, on the internet, but I don't take the time to go to the gym, get the rest I need, fuel my body with good foods, and have daily meditation. I don't take the time for me.
The last part of my assignment is to ask myself everyday, "What do I need?"
I never thought that would be so hard to answer. I am really very good at listening to my body. When I am pregnant or in labor, I know exactly what my physical body needs. However, when listening to my soul...I am really struggling. I struggle to hear it. In my heart, I know that I need to take time, to slow down, even stop at times. I need to learn to say "I can't" and "No" and "I need help". I need to remember that I am not alone in this journey.
My soul is pleading with me to do these things.
1. I need to exercise. Not just for my physical health, but my mental health as well.
2. I need to read my scriptures daily and pray, really pray every day to get the help that I need.
3. I need to make something for myself. I know this one sounds silly, but I sew for my girls, knit for my kids, sew for other kids, knit for other kids...and rarely make anything for myself. I am going to knit myself a pair of socks this year!
4. I need to remember to take my medicine every day. I usually forget because I am too busy getting ready and taking care of my kids at the same time.
5. I need to sleep. I need to love myself and value myself enough to get to bed at 10 pm every night so that I can wake up early to go to the gym.
6. I need to stop hiding. Whether it be behind my weight, the computer, or the walls I've built, it is time to stop hiding and show the world (and myself) who I can be. I also want to figure out why I am hiding and how to stop.
Now I know this sounds a bit like, oh I don't know, New Year's Resolutions? It's not. I don't like resolutions. I don't do them anymore because I feel too much pressure to do them and then get overwhelmed and just can't accomplish a thing.
So, these are not resolutions, but a new way of thinking for me. Things I want to become second nature to me. Things I need to do, so that I can be the woman that I want to be and I know I can be.
I am important. I am valuable. What do I need?
Say it to yourself and see what happens.
And that is really what this is about. The life of a Mom and how easy it is to get lost in that life.
I have not slept through the night (unmedicated) since the summer of 2002. For those of you who are math challenged, that is almost 8 years.
Eight years ago this April I found out I was pregnant with Emma. In that time, save 1 month, I have been pregnant, breastfeeding, or both. Think about that for a minute. Yeah, that's a long time.
I have been giving of myself so much. I give and give and give. I do receive, don't get me wrong, but my well is starting to dry up.
Last week I talked about my therapy assignment, and I'm working on that. But another assignment I've been given is to say to myself everyday, "I am important, I am valuable, what do I need?"
In order for me to say this to myself every day, multiple times a day, I think I need to analyze it a bit first.
I am important. Really?
The fourth of five children, I was probably the easiest child for my parents to raise. I had three older siblings who required a lot of mental, emotional and at times, physical energy from my parents. To say they were difficult is a bit of an understatement. My younger brother was always very sweet, but had some medical issues that required a lot of my folks also. I was just me. Overly dramatic me. Maybe it was my way of crying out for some attention. Maybe it's just the way I am wired, or my reaction to my surroundings, but I was dramatic and that was that.
I never felt very important and never felt like I was someone that was worth a lot. I had one brother who constantly berated me and verbally abused me. Those wounds are slow to heal.
I remember being really amazed that Jeremy wanted to spend forever with me. I mean really, who was I to be worthy of that? I kept waiting, and if I am being honest I still am, for him to realize that he could do so much better and be gone.
Fast forward to now; 4 children in 5 1/2 years, very little to no sleep, very demanding children (aren't they all??) and I find that it is easy to let myself get lost in the shuffle. It becomes increasingly easier to say that I can't do things because of my family. To tell myself that they are more important than I am. That what they want is more important than what I want. That their needs are higher than mine. And while this may be true sometimes, I am equally important. I am equally valuable.
I am valuable.
I imagine every Mother out there thinks, "Sure I'm valuable, I am the nurse, chauffeur, cook, housekeeper, laundress, seamstress, referee, tutor, coach, psychiatrist, teacher, nurturer...I have some value".
But, don't I have value outside of being a Wife and a Mother? These are the two best jobs I could ask for, yet I find that I am not satisfied, not content.
As I think about this, it occurs to me that you can not be happy with others until you are happy with yourself. I can not give something that I do not have. I can not be satisfied and content with being a Wife and Mom until I am satisfied and content with being Kim.
This is where realizing my value comes in. Am I valuable enough to take the time to work on me? Am I important enough to save?
I escape a lot and hide at the computer, on the internet, but I don't take the time to go to the gym, get the rest I need, fuel my body with good foods, and have daily meditation. I don't take the time for me.
The last part of my assignment is to ask myself everyday, "What do I need?"
I never thought that would be so hard to answer. I am really very good at listening to my body. When I am pregnant or in labor, I know exactly what my physical body needs. However, when listening to my soul...I am really struggling. I struggle to hear it. In my heart, I know that I need to take time, to slow down, even stop at times. I need to learn to say "I can't" and "No" and "I need help". I need to remember that I am not alone in this journey.
My soul is pleading with me to do these things.
1. I need to exercise. Not just for my physical health, but my mental health as well.
2. I need to read my scriptures daily and pray, really pray every day to get the help that I need.
3. I need to make something for myself. I know this one sounds silly, but I sew for my girls, knit for my kids, sew for other kids, knit for other kids...and rarely make anything for myself. I am going to knit myself a pair of socks this year!
4. I need to remember to take my medicine every day. I usually forget because I am too busy getting ready and taking care of my kids at the same time.
5. I need to sleep. I need to love myself and value myself enough to get to bed at 10 pm every night so that I can wake up early to go to the gym.
6. I need to stop hiding. Whether it be behind my weight, the computer, or the walls I've built, it is time to stop hiding and show the world (and myself) who I can be. I also want to figure out why I am hiding and how to stop.
Now I know this sounds a bit like, oh I don't know, New Year's Resolutions? It's not. I don't like resolutions. I don't do them anymore because I feel too much pressure to do them and then get overwhelmed and just can't accomplish a thing.
So, these are not resolutions, but a new way of thinking for me. Things I want to become second nature to me. Things I need to do, so that I can be the woman that I want to be and I know I can be.
I am important. I am valuable. What do I need?
Say it to yourself and see what happens.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
How I Roll
I really have something to say, but I am working on it. So for now, I will leave you with some really cute pictures of my kids. Cause really? Who doesn't love that?
I also let them pick their own clothes,
And, I totally laugh and have to take a picture when they must be Pirates drinking Egg Nog from a "fancy glass".
That's just how I roll.
I have no problem making my kids work. They are just so cute doing it!
That's just how I roll.
Friday, January 22, 2010
Friends
You see this lady? The lovely one that has the best smile and looks a bit like Maggie Gyllenhaal?
This same lady who let me take silly pictures of her while she was packing her purse?
The one who, when I took this picture, she looked at me and laughed and said, "Did you just take a picture of me drinking my Pepsi?"
The one who made Blogher SO much fun last year? Who I stayed up late with, who played with my baby, who introduced me to some amazing new friends...
Yep, that lady. Her name is Heather and she needs some extra love and support right now. So, will you head on over to there to give her a hug today?
Thanks.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Overheard
When the kids were playing Mom and Son I heard this:
Mom? Can you come and play with me?
Not right now son, I am nursing your baby brother.
I love these kids.
Mom? Can you come and play with me?
Not right now son, I am nursing your baby brother.
I love these kids.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Therapy
I had my first therapy session last Thursday. It went really well. I even cried. Something I swore I would not do on the first day of therapy. But, I guess when you have an amazing therapist, you can feel comfortable enough to really let it all out.
I feel really lucky to have found someone right off the bat who has worked with trauma a lot. I never really thought of my life as being overly traumatic, but I guess when you break it down the last eight years have been a rollercoaster at best.
I am starting to realize just how much the death of Emma is impacting all of us in my home. As I was talking with my therapist, I started to wonder if maybe, sub-consciously, her death is the reason that Seth is so angry. Maybe he feels that he is living in her shadow. It was something I never wanted to happen. I never wanted my children to feel that they were less than their older sister. I just wanted them to know about her.
However....she fills a very large space in our family. I swore when she died I would never have a shrine to her. When you walk into my house though, there is a curio cabinet filled with Emma and pictures on the wall of her. I have always justified having more pictures of her up than the other kids because the other kids are here. But I wonder now what that is doing to them even if they don't realize it?
One of my homework assignments for therapy this week is to think about how to change the space that Emma takes in our family. To make room for the other five of us. To make it equal. In the first few years there was no way I could have done this. But now, now that it's been 6 1/2 years, I think I can. I am starting to be able to let go of physical things that were hers. Or, to let the girls wear her bracelets and when they ask whose they are NOT say Emma's. I just tell them that they are theirs.
Creating this new space, this new way of our family's thinking is not going to be easy, and may be painful. But it needs to be done. She is a part of our family now and always. But she is not the most important member of our family, we are all equally important. She is not the only person whose memory is important, the people who are here right now have just as much right to have their memories preserved as she does.
I love Emma so much. But I also love Seth, Amelia, and Libby. She is not my only child. I know that she wouldn't want me to put her up on a pedestal or glorify her. She was a baby and therefore she was so sweet and innocent. Had she had the chance to grow up, I am sure she would have been a stinker, gotten in trouble, caused me tears and grief (not that she hasn't already), and given me the same struggles that the other kids have given me.
So, here I go. I am trying to figure this out. How to make this family of mine work. How to heal and mend this broken family.
This journey of grief is never ending it seems. It just evolves and changes and hopefully I can evolve and change with it.
I feel really lucky to have found someone right off the bat who has worked with trauma a lot. I never really thought of my life as being overly traumatic, but I guess when you break it down the last eight years have been a rollercoaster at best.
I am starting to realize just how much the death of Emma is impacting all of us in my home. As I was talking with my therapist, I started to wonder if maybe, sub-consciously, her death is the reason that Seth is so angry. Maybe he feels that he is living in her shadow. It was something I never wanted to happen. I never wanted my children to feel that they were less than their older sister. I just wanted them to know about her.
However....she fills a very large space in our family. I swore when she died I would never have a shrine to her. When you walk into my house though, there is a curio cabinet filled with Emma and pictures on the wall of her. I have always justified having more pictures of her up than the other kids because the other kids are here. But I wonder now what that is doing to them even if they don't realize it?
One of my homework assignments for therapy this week is to think about how to change the space that Emma takes in our family. To make room for the other five of us. To make it equal. In the first few years there was no way I could have done this. But now, now that it's been 6 1/2 years, I think I can. I am starting to be able to let go of physical things that were hers. Or, to let the girls wear her bracelets and when they ask whose they are NOT say Emma's. I just tell them that they are theirs.
Creating this new space, this new way of our family's thinking is not going to be easy, and may be painful. But it needs to be done. She is a part of our family now and always. But she is not the most important member of our family, we are all equally important. She is not the only person whose memory is important, the people who are here right now have just as much right to have their memories preserved as she does.
I love Emma so much. But I also love Seth, Amelia, and Libby. She is not my only child. I know that she wouldn't want me to put her up on a pedestal or glorify her. She was a baby and therefore she was so sweet and innocent. Had she had the chance to grow up, I am sure she would have been a stinker, gotten in trouble, caused me tears and grief (not that she hasn't already), and given me the same struggles that the other kids have given me.
So, here I go. I am trying to figure this out. How to make this family of mine work. How to heal and mend this broken family.
This journey of grief is never ending it seems. It just evolves and changes and hopefully I can evolve and change with it.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Oh Cutie Pants
My very sweet niece came to visit this weekend. She is almost 16 and is just so much fun. She actually plays with her cousins and is just such a joy to have around.
She kept drooling all over my fabric stash, so I told her to pick some out and we'd make her a little something. When she picked out this yellow I wasn't sure. But these pajama pants turned out SO cute!!! They totally fit her personality, bright and sunny.
She would have modeled these for the picture, but we were getting ready to leave to take Seth to school and then her home. You'll just have to trust me at how cute they are on her!
I used the pajama pant pattern from Weekend Sewing by Heather Ross. I highly recommend this book. It is great.
I just sent off a very cute robe and slipper set for a sweet little girl in California. This is the same pattern I used for my kids robes, oh how I love it.
I am offering these in my shop also, so if you don't want to make one, you can buy one from me!!
And in case you think I have given up the needles after doing Jeremy's sweater, you are wrong. I have knit two hats in the last couple of weeks. Kalli tweeted to me asking if I could do this pattern for her little guy. Oh my YES I can!!!
She kept drooling all over my fabric stash, so I told her to pick some out and we'd make her a little something. When she picked out this yellow I wasn't sure. But these pajama pants turned out SO cute!!! They totally fit her personality, bright and sunny.
She would have modeled these for the picture, but we were getting ready to leave to take Seth to school and then her home. You'll just have to trust me at how cute they are on her!
I used the pajama pant pattern from Weekend Sewing by Heather Ross. I highly recommend this book. It is great.
I just sent off a very cute robe and slipper set for a sweet little girl in California. This is the same pattern I used for my kids robes, oh how I love it.
I am offering these in my shop also, so if you don't want to make one, you can buy one from me!!
And in case you think I have given up the needles after doing Jeremy's sweater, you are wrong. I have knit two hats in the last couple of weeks. Kalli tweeted to me asking if I could do this pattern for her little guy. Oh my YES I can!!!
Yes, I love this hat and I love this pattern. It is super fast, easy to customize (just add or take away a section) and is GREAT for little ones. I used Cascade Ecological Wool for this one and LOVE the feel of it. I have also made one for Libby out of Pure Wool and as soon as she'll let me, I'll get a picture of it on her.
So...that is what I've been up to. What about you? Any great crafting projects I need to know about???
Friday, January 15, 2010
Motherhood
When I found out I was pregnant with Emma, I couldn't believe it. I was totally shocked, floored beyond belief. As my body changed and I started to feel the first flutters of a human life inside of me, it all started to seem completely unreal. This happened to other people, not me.
My sister is 7 years older than I am. When she was pregnant with her first baby, 19 years ago, I remember her staying the night at our house. She was just starting to show and was just starting to feel the baby move. We were laying in bed and she grabbed my hand and put it on her belly. It was the first time I remember feeling a baby move in the womb. For the longest time, I was the “Cool Aunt”. With 14 nieces and nephews, I had a lot of practice. But, I never really thought I'd get to be the Mom. Then, in March 2002, I found out I was pregnant and it was my turn!
Emma's birth was not at all what I'd anticipated. I trained in Bradley Method for a natural childbirth. I had a midwife to use at the hospital. I had a birth plan. It was to be my start at being the perfect Mom. What I didn't plan on was a footling breech baby and a c-section. So, when she was born, it was completely and totally surreal. They gave her to me in recovery and I went to nurse her. It wasn't the natural experience I expected. It was much more technical and awkward than I had anticipated. I remember thinking, “I can't believe I am doing this and she is really mine!” When it was time to go home from the hospital, I still couldn't believe that they were going to let us take this perfect little person home.
She and I got into a groove and I was doing pretty good at Parenting. I knew what her different cries meant and what she needed. It was good.
We have since thrown 3 more children into the mix! The last 3 were all born at home, with a midwife, in the water. I have learned that I am not the perfect Mom and can't be. They are each so different and each need such different things! What works for one, doesn't necessarily work for the others. They are each so individual and there is a learning curve to parenting each of them.It has been 7 years since Emma was born and I still have the “I can't believe this is my life!” feeling often. As I watch my children growing up, learning to read, write, draw beautiful pictures, telling jokes, getting ready to go to school, making friends, being best friends with each other, the list goes on and on. I can't believe that I am really the Mom. I can't believe that I am the one that God has trusted with these beautiful souls. I can't believe that I get to be so lucky.
I am far from the perfect Mother that I dreamed of being when I was a little girl. I yell, I get frustrated, I cry. But, I try. I try everyday to be better. I pray every morning that I can be the Mother that my children need today. I pray everyday that I will see my children as God sees them and know what they need when they need it. And I pray that through doing that, I will be what they need when they need it and always give them a soft place to land.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Time
My baby is 16 months old this month. When my oldest was born, seven years ago, I couldn't wait for her to get bigger. I couldn't wait for her to start waking up more, interacting with me more, smiling, rolling over, crawling, walking...the list was endless. She died at eight months old. So many of those milestones I didn't get to see. I wanted all that time I'd wished away back again. It went too fast.
Shortly after her death, I became pregnant with baby number two. I was determined to enjoy every second of this child. I was determined to love him and not let a second go by that I didn't just revel in his sweetness. I didn't plan on colic though. To say he was fussy is an understatement. He cried, and cried, and cried. When he wasn't crying we were listening to white noise. My darling husband made a cd for me that I would put on repeat; eighty minutes of white noise. Loud, constant, annoying. It was the soundtrack to his first eight months of life. I didn't enjoy him, I didn't enjoy the sweetness of the newborn with him. I was still so wrapped up in grief and pain that I couldn't take the time to really enjoy him before the colic struck. And when it came, he was just no fun. Now he is five-and-a-half, I can't believe how big he has gotten, how much he knows, and how fun he is. He is learning how to read, loving Kindergarten and soon won't want to play marbles and Spiderman Memory with me anymore. Soon he won't want to snuggle in bed with me in the morning and cuddle up for a book. It is going to fast.
My third child came shortly after the boy turned two. Hers was a quick and easy labor, much like her babyhood. She was a dream baby. So happy, so laid back, and so easy. It was a good thing too because with her two year old brother running around, she had to be easy. I was still chasing him constantly and trying to keep up with having two children now. Two diapers to change, two babies to feed, two children to console, bathe, love. I didn't spend the time getting to know her as a newborn like I wanted to. I didn't really revel in her newness, smell her sweet baby head and enjoy her as much I wanted to because I was so consumed with having TWO!
Two years later I did it again. This time though I was wiser, I had done this three times before so I knew what to do differently. I stayed in bed more. I looked at her more. I soaked her in. I let people help me when they wanted to. I was still. I sat more, knit more, read more, and prayed more. I deliberately tried to slow down time. I knew how fast it would go and I didn't want to regret any of it.
Two years later I did it again. This time though I was wiser, I had done this three times before so I knew what to do differently. I stayed in bed more. I looked at her more. I soaked her in. I let people help me when they wanted to. I was still. I sat more, knit more, read more, and prayed more. I deliberately tried to slow down time. I knew how fast it would go and I didn't want to regret any of it.
But now she is 16 months old. Again, I feel like I missed so much. Babies are newborns for just such a short amount of time. It goes so fast. You blink and it's gone.
I've come to realize that even though these phases don't last long, I can enjoy every second of it if I let myself. I also have come to realize that there is so much to enjoy in each phase. Sure, babies don't snuggle and sleep all day long anymore, but you get to watch them grow. You get to watch them interact and build relationships with their siblings. You get to watch them fall in love and start a family of their own.
So during this time, the hard toddler years, the elementary years, teenage angst years and onward, I will try to revel in the time I have with them, because it goes so fast. What it all comes down to is how will I spend this time. Will I spend it wishing it would slow down, or just enjoy the time I have. While I'll always remember them like they are today and wish I could freeze them like this, I think I'll choose to enjoy it.
So during this time, the hard toddler years, the elementary years, teenage angst years and onward, I will try to revel in the time I have with them, because it goes so fast. What it all comes down to is how will I spend this time. Will I spend it wishing it would slow down, or just enjoy the time I have. While I'll always remember them like they are today and wish I could freeze them like this, I think I'll choose to enjoy it.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Take the Good with the Bad
“What are you doing?” I asked my 5 year old. You see, he had tissue stuck up his nose. “I'm putting tissue in my nose like Dad does when he has a bloody nose”. Ah, that makes sense.
We know that our children pick up on the little things we do. If you don't know this, listen really carefully as you talk, you'll hear your parents. I called my Mom the other day and told her to “get out of my mouth”. She laughed and knew exactly what I was talking about. It has happened to her also. It happens to the best of us.
While a lot of the time I don't mind sounding like my Mom, there are times when I hear things she said to me that I didn't love. Things that may have been hurtful. When those things come out of my mouth I immediately want to reach out and grab those words and stuff them back. We can't do that though. So I try harder to not say those things again.
Not only do I not want to hurt my children, I don't want them to say those things to each other or to their children someday. I want the cycle to end with me.
So, I ask you, what are you doing that you see your children doing? Is it sticking tissue in your nose to stop a bloody nose? Is it a phrase you use quite often? Are they copying your mannerisms? It's fun to watch to see how they are unconsciously imitating you.
What I notice most is when they say things that I have been known to come out of my mouth. I hear my children say, “What part of that don't you understand??” or “I don't want to tell you again”. I have even heard them say, “I am getting so tired of this”. Ouch. But, I also hear them say, “I love you so much” or “That was SO great! Good Job!”.
If I am going to take credit for the bad, that means I can also take credit for the good. Thank heavens for that.
So today I make a conscious effort to do and say things that I don't mind my kiddos doing. They have both been known to throw around a curse word here and there, something I am trying to be more aware of. I know that someday they will call and tell me to get out of their mouths. I just hope that when they do, they will be proud to be sounding like me.
We know that our children pick up on the little things we do. If you don't know this, listen really carefully as you talk, you'll hear your parents. I called my Mom the other day and told her to “get out of my mouth”. She laughed and knew exactly what I was talking about. It has happened to her also. It happens to the best of us.
While a lot of the time I don't mind sounding like my Mom, there are times when I hear things she said to me that I didn't love. Things that may have been hurtful. When those things come out of my mouth I immediately want to reach out and grab those words and stuff them back. We can't do that though. So I try harder to not say those things again.
Not only do I not want to hurt my children, I don't want them to say those things to each other or to their children someday. I want the cycle to end with me.
So, I ask you, what are you doing that you see your children doing? Is it sticking tissue in your nose to stop a bloody nose? Is it a phrase you use quite often? Are they copying your mannerisms? It's fun to watch to see how they are unconsciously imitating you.
What I notice most is when they say things that I have been known to come out of my mouth. I hear my children say, “What part of that don't you understand??” or “I don't want to tell you again”. I have even heard them say, “I am getting so tired of this”. Ouch. But, I also hear them say, “I love you so much” or “That was SO great! Good Job!”.
If I am going to take credit for the bad, that means I can also take credit for the good. Thank heavens for that.
So today I make a conscious effort to do and say things that I don't mind my kiddos doing. They have both been known to throw around a curse word here and there, something I am trying to be more aware of. I know that someday they will call and tell me to get out of their mouths. I just hope that when they do, they will be proud to be sounding like me.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Living in the Land of Make Believe
The door opens and he is off. Running at break-neck speed he is in his own world, fighting the bad guys and doing his Jedi Knight duty. In the grocery store, through the mall, down the hall at a hotel, or just down the sidewalk, they are everywhere and need to be stopped. He is the boy to do it. Wearing his brown Jedi cloak with Light Sabers at the ready, he is going to bring justice and peace to this world.
This is the world my 5 year old lives in and has for the last few years. I didn't realize when I said, “Hey buddy, I have a new movie for you to watch”, what that would mean. I set up “The Phantom Menace” for him to watch and went to sew. A little while into the movie, he came bursting into my sewing room saying, “MOM! Obi Wan just killed Darth Maul!”. I replied, “I know honey. Is your movie done yet?” “NO! I just HAD to tell you!”. He then disappeared into the play room to unearth the blue light saber he got for his second birthday. “MOM! Where is my light saber??? I have to be Obi Wan!”. We searched through the mounds of toys and eventually found it. He tore off upstairs to finish watching his movie. A little while later, he returned, light saber in hand and a wee bit starry eyed, looked at me and sighed, “When I grow up I want to be a Jedum Knight”.
This is not the first time my sweet boy has had an alter ego. No, the first time was when he was 2. He decided that he was Roo, I was Kanga, Daddy was Tigger and his baby sister (still in the womb) was to be Pliget (no, I didn't type that wrong, that is how he said it). He would answer to nothing other than Roo and refused to call us anything other than Kanga and Tigger. In fact, on the aforementioned Light Saber, it actually says Roo. We needed to mark it so we knew which one was his when we went to visit his cousins, and he insisted on it saying Roo. I digress...we were the House at Pooh Corner for a long time. Just when I thought I'd never be able to call him by his given name, it stopped.
Through the last two years we have gone through many different names and phases. There was a time when he was Buzz Lightbeer (yep, again with the mispronunciation! )Then his sister got old enough to understand what was going on and she got in on the act. For a while, I could only call them Andy and Molly from Toy Story. Another time they were Annie and Sandy Dog (him Annie, her the dog), Mary Poppins and Burt, Characters from Word World or Super Why (PBS morning shows) or, my personal favorite, their cousins. They will play that they are Andrew and Meredith and I am Aunt Nanny and Daddy is Uncle Chip. They refuse to call us Mama and Daddy, those are not our names. My children live in the land of Make Believe.
Before I had children, I didn't completely understand this. I would see a Mother at the store with her children dressed in costumes in March and think “My children will never do that. They will be dressed nicely, or at least in real clothes, every time I go out.” I would then smile and remember how I loved playing dress-up as a child, and the look of recognition would cross my face. I would remember how I lived in the land of make believe, a Princess stuck in the tower of the castle just waiting for her brave Knight. Or Annie, living with Miss Hannigan (sorry Mom) singing of the time when my real parents would come to get me. Then I realized that I too lived in the land of make believe.
When my now 17 year old nephew was 4, he was Han Solo (or Luke Skywalker, whoever was needed at the moment). He had his trusty Wookie, Chewbacca (his Dad, my brother), Princess Leia as played by Mom and gave names to everyone else in the family. I was an Ewok. That was the first time since my own childhood that I encountered such make believe. I lived across the country from him, but it didn't stop him from including me in his imagination. For that I am grateful. It prepared me for the wonderful adventures I would have and could have as a Mom to my imaginative little ones.
Today, when I am walking behind my little Jedi Knight - light saber out and fighting off the imaginary battle droids - I see that look of recognition on the faces of men everywhere. Whether it be teenage boys trying to act as cool as they don't feel, college students so busy with their lives, young married men anticipating the day when they can play again too, or Dads who get to play it daily with their own little ones. The look of remembrance of a time when they too were young. A time when they too had no cares in the world. A time when they too could live in the land of make believe. When I see that look, I smile and hope that when he is no longer a Jedi Knight, he will still have that imagination and will remember what it felt like to pretend and to live in the land of make believe. I hope he never forgets it because I know I never will.
This is the world my 5 year old lives in and has for the last few years. I didn't realize when I said, “Hey buddy, I have a new movie for you to watch”, what that would mean. I set up “The Phantom Menace” for him to watch and went to sew. A little while into the movie, he came bursting into my sewing room saying, “MOM! Obi Wan just killed Darth Maul!”. I replied, “I know honey. Is your movie done yet?” “NO! I just HAD to tell you!”. He then disappeared into the play room to unearth the blue light saber he got for his second birthday. “MOM! Where is my light saber??? I have to be Obi Wan!”. We searched through the mounds of toys and eventually found it. He tore off upstairs to finish watching his movie. A little while later, he returned, light saber in hand and a wee bit starry eyed, looked at me and sighed, “When I grow up I want to be a Jedum Knight”.
This is not the first time my sweet boy has had an alter ego. No, the first time was when he was 2. He decided that he was Roo, I was Kanga, Daddy was Tigger and his baby sister (still in the womb) was to be Pliget (no, I didn't type that wrong, that is how he said it). He would answer to nothing other than Roo and refused to call us anything other than Kanga and Tigger. In fact, on the aforementioned Light Saber, it actually says Roo. We needed to mark it so we knew which one was his when we went to visit his cousins, and he insisted on it saying Roo. I digress...we were the House at Pooh Corner for a long time. Just when I thought I'd never be able to call him by his given name, it stopped.
Through the last two years we have gone through many different names and phases. There was a time when he was Buzz Lightbeer (yep, again with the mispronunciation! )Then his sister got old enough to understand what was going on and she got in on the act. For a while, I could only call them Andy and Molly from Toy Story. Another time they were Annie and Sandy Dog (him Annie, her the dog), Mary Poppins and Burt, Characters from Word World or Super Why (PBS morning shows) or, my personal favorite, their cousins. They will play that they are Andrew and Meredith and I am Aunt Nanny and Daddy is Uncle Chip. They refuse to call us Mama and Daddy, those are not our names. My children live in the land of Make Believe.
Before I had children, I didn't completely understand this. I would see a Mother at the store with her children dressed in costumes in March and think “My children will never do that. They will be dressed nicely, or at least in real clothes, every time I go out.” I would then smile and remember how I loved playing dress-up as a child, and the look of recognition would cross my face. I would remember how I lived in the land of make believe, a Princess stuck in the tower of the castle just waiting for her brave Knight. Or Annie, living with Miss Hannigan (sorry Mom) singing of the time when my real parents would come to get me. Then I realized that I too lived in the land of make believe.
When my now 17 year old nephew was 4, he was Han Solo (or Luke Skywalker, whoever was needed at the moment). He had his trusty Wookie, Chewbacca (his Dad, my brother), Princess Leia as played by Mom and gave names to everyone else in the family. I was an Ewok. That was the first time since my own childhood that I encountered such make believe. I lived across the country from him, but it didn't stop him from including me in his imagination. For that I am grateful. It prepared me for the wonderful adventures I would have and could have as a Mom to my imaginative little ones.
Today, when I am walking behind my little Jedi Knight - light saber out and fighting off the imaginary battle droids - I see that look of recognition on the faces of men everywhere. Whether it be teenage boys trying to act as cool as they don't feel, college students so busy with their lives, young married men anticipating the day when they can play again too, or Dads who get to play it daily with their own little ones. The look of remembrance of a time when they too were young. A time when they too had no cares in the world. A time when they too could live in the land of make believe. When I see that look, I smile and hope that when he is no longer a Jedi Knight, he will still have that imagination and will remember what it felt like to pretend and to live in the land of make believe. I hope he never forgets it because I know I never will.
Monday, January 11, 2010
Heavy
When life gets so heavy that I just can't breathe, I am so grateful I have these people that fill me with Light.
Friday, January 8, 2010
Jeopardy...And the Answer is...
First of all, I can't believe how many of you guessed some sort of bodily fluids on my rug, kitchen table and windshield!
Only one person got the correct answer, Kate! And since Kate lives by me, I will be bringing her some chocolate very soon...or maybe cookie dough because she LOVES to eat the stuff.
Anyway...they are 3 things that I can't STAND to be dirty! Oh it drives me nuts and Nicole and Jeremy teased me mercilessly about it on New Year's Eve.
So...there you have it. I am a lot bit crazy and that is just another testament of it.
Only one person got the correct answer, Kate! And since Kate lives by me, I will be bringing her some chocolate very soon...or maybe cookie dough because she LOVES to eat the stuff.
Anyway...they are 3 things that I can't STAND to be dirty! Oh it drives me nuts and Nicole and Jeremy teased me mercilessly about it on New Year's Eve.
So...there you have it. I am a lot bit crazy and that is just another testament of it.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Move Over Alton Brown
I was sitting in my chair nursing Libby and the kids wanted a snack. I told Seth he could make the snack and he started his own little cooking show. Of course he was more than happy to do it again for me...he is such a good little show pony.
Move over Alton Brown, Seth is my new favorite blonde cook with glasses!
Move over Alton Brown, Seth is my new favorite blonde cook with glasses!
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
What I'm Not
I'm not famous.
I'm not skinny.
I'm not well known to anyone other than the few of you that come here and my family.
I'm not a big crier.
I'm not patient.
I'm not overly serious.
I'm not blonde (anymore)
I'm not on the social media circuit (you know, speaking at every conference and what have you).
I'm not a great housekeeper.
I'm not always a great cook.
I'm not a lot of things. But that's okay because of what I am.
I am a wife.
I am a Mother to 4 amazing people.
I am a daughter, sister, aunt, granddaughter, niece, friend...
I am strong.
I am a birth warrior.
I am an advocate.
I am a leader.
I am funny...seriously, I am!
I am happy.
I am creative.
I am crafty.
I am a baker...and a dang good one at that.
I am a marshmallow maker (duh).
I am loud.
I am not afraid to speak my mind.
I am a risk taker.
I am educated.
I am passionate.
I am loved.
I am a daughter of God...and really, that is all that matters.
I have been having some pretty self-deprecating thoughts recently. There is a lot going on in my life right now and I have been thinking that I am just not good enough. I have been thinking that because I am not asked to do this or that, that I am not good enough to do those things. When the reality is that there are so many people qualified to do those things I shouldn't be upset or surprised. I was reminded that despite what the world thinks, I am a daughter of God and He loves me. Despite what opportunities I am given both in my actual life and my blog life, I have been given the greatest opportunity of all, to raise my babies. No matter what you might think of me, the only opinion that really matters is His.
And, while the opinion of God ranks very highly and is very important to me...the opinion of my family is just as important. If I am failing them, I know it right away. This song, These Four Walls, by Sara Evans has been going through my head the last few days.
I'm not skinny.
I'm not well known to anyone other than the few of you that come here and my family.
I'm not a big crier.
I'm not patient.
I'm not overly serious.
I'm not blonde (anymore)
I'm not on the social media circuit (you know, speaking at every conference and what have you).
I'm not a great housekeeper.
I'm not always a great cook.
I'm not a lot of things. But that's okay because of what I am.
I am a wife.
I am a Mother to 4 amazing people.
I am a daughter, sister, aunt, granddaughter, niece, friend...
I am strong.
I am a birth warrior.
I am an advocate.
I am a leader.
I am funny...seriously, I am!
I am happy.
I am creative.
I am crafty.
I am a baker...and a dang good one at that.
I am a marshmallow maker (duh).
I am loud.
I am not afraid to speak my mind.
I am a risk taker.
I am educated.
I am passionate.
I am loved.
I am a daughter of God...and really, that is all that matters.
I have been having some pretty self-deprecating thoughts recently. There is a lot going on in my life right now and I have been thinking that I am just not good enough. I have been thinking that because I am not asked to do this or that, that I am not good enough to do those things. When the reality is that there are so many people qualified to do those things I shouldn't be upset or surprised. I was reminded that despite what the world thinks, I am a daughter of God and He loves me. Despite what opportunities I am given both in my actual life and my blog life, I have been given the greatest opportunity of all, to raise my babies. No matter what you might think of me, the only opinion that really matters is His.
And, while the opinion of God ranks very highly and is very important to me...the opinion of my family is just as important. If I am failing them, I know it right away. This song, These Four Walls, by Sara Evans has been going through my head the last few days.
Wasn't That Long Ago
I Was Skipping To School With A Lunchbox
Pigtails In My Hair
Where Did The Time Go
One Minute I'm Playing In The Sandbox
How'd I Get To Hear From There
Making Lunches And Folding Clothes
Is Not The Most Glamorous Life I Know
But I've Got So Much More Than Most
I'm Not Famous But My Kids Think
I'm A Star
I'm Not Rich But I've Made A Million
Memories So Far
I May Not Be A Model
But My Man Thinks I Could Be
I May Not Be From Royalty
But In These Four Walls
I'm The Queen
I Had It All Planned
First I'd Make It Big In Nashville
Then Take Hollywood By Storm
But It Was In God's Hands
There Were Three Little Lives That Would
Need Me
To One Day Be Their Mom
I Wouldn't Trade It For Anything
Those Movie Stars Don't Have
Everything
I Know I'm Right Where I Wanna To Be
I'm Not Famous But My Kids Think
I'm A Star
I'm Not Rich But I've Made A Million
Memories So Far
I May Not Be A Model
But My Man Thinks I Could Be
I May Not Be From Royalty
But In These Four Walls
I'm The Queen
I Had To Let It Go, But I Have No Regrets
I Would Have Never Known This Kind Of
Happiness
I'm Not Famous But My Kids Think
I'm A Star
I'm Not Rich But I've Made A Million
Memories So Far
I May Not Be A Model
But My Man Thinks I Could Be
I May Not Be From Royalty
But In These Four Walls
I'm The Queen
I Was Skipping To School With A Lunchbox
Pigtails In My Hair
Where Did The Time Go
One Minute I'm Playing In The Sandbox
How'd I Get To Hear From There
Making Lunches And Folding Clothes
Is Not The Most Glamorous Life I Know
But I've Got So Much More Than Most
I'm Not Famous But My Kids Think
I'm A Star
I'm Not Rich But I've Made A Million
Memories So Far
I May Not Be A Model
But My Man Thinks I Could Be
I May Not Be From Royalty
But In These Four Walls
I'm The Queen
I Had It All Planned
First I'd Make It Big In Nashville
Then Take Hollywood By Storm
But It Was In God's Hands
There Were Three Little Lives That Would
Need Me
To One Day Be Their Mom
I Wouldn't Trade It For Anything
Those Movie Stars Don't Have
Everything
I Know I'm Right Where I Wanna To Be
I'm Not Famous But My Kids Think
I'm A Star
I'm Not Rich But I've Made A Million
Memories So Far
I May Not Be A Model
But My Man Thinks I Could Be
I May Not Be From Royalty
But In These Four Walls
I'm The Queen
I Had To Let It Go, But I Have No Regrets
I Would Have Never Known This Kind Of
Happiness
I'm Not Famous But My Kids Think
I'm A Star
I'm Not Rich But I've Made A Million
Memories So Far
I May Not Be A Model
But My Man Thinks I Could Be
I May Not Be From Royalty
But In These Four Walls
I'm The Queen
So, here is what I want each of you to take away from this post today. You are each Queens. You are each so very special. You are each needed and you are so much more than you know. Look in the eyes of your children, or someone you love, and you will see it. You will see how much you are needed, how much you are loved and just how wonderful you are.
Monday, January 4, 2010
Jeopardy
Windshield
Kitchen Table
Living Room Rug
What do these 3 things have in common? You must write your answer in question form. The first person to answer correctly will win a prize*. Nicole, you are disqualified since you know the answer and were mocking me about it this weekend.
*This prize may be nothing more than bragging rights, but you never know, it could be chocolate. So, play along with me okay?
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Friday, January 1, 2010
Another Angel
Tuesday evening another Angel earned her wings. Her name is Ella, she is 6 years old, loves princesses and art, has 2 brothers and a baby sister. She is one of the sweetest little girls I have ever had the privilege of knowing.
Her Mom has been one of my dear friends for the last 9 years. We met at church when I moved back to Kansas in 2001. We got married within 6 months of each other and I confessed my new pregnancy to her right before she had her first baby. We lived on the same street as newly weds and new parents. She came and cleaned up my amniotic fluid and lined my car with Chux pads when my water broke with Emma. She brought us dinner, we watched each other's babies when we needed breaks...she cried with me when Emma died. We never would have dreamed that she would be in this terrible club.
One year and 20 days ago, her daughter was diagnosed with a brain tumor. She was told that Ella would not live to see the Spring flowers. Ella lived. She touched so many lives. She is loved by so many. When we were out in Kansas this Summer, we went to visit their family. Ella and I talked about Emma and I promised her that when she was scared and sad that my Emma would come and help her. I know that they are together right now.
My heart is breaking for my dear friend. This time is so hard. The pain is so intense, yet the situation is so surreal.
For her, I snuggled my babies just a bit longer tonight than normal. I held them each, looked at them, and thanked the Heavens that my kids are all healthy right now. For her, I said a prayer and asked that she be lifted up and comforted. For her, my dear friend, I will light a candle and remember her darling Angel.
Her Mom has been one of my dear friends for the last 9 years. We met at church when I moved back to Kansas in 2001. We got married within 6 months of each other and I confessed my new pregnancy to her right before she had her first baby. We lived on the same street as newly weds and new parents. She came and cleaned up my amniotic fluid and lined my car with Chux pads when my water broke with Emma. She brought us dinner, we watched each other's babies when we needed breaks...she cried with me when Emma died. We never would have dreamed that she would be in this terrible club.
One year and 20 days ago, her daughter was diagnosed with a brain tumor. She was told that Ella would not live to see the Spring flowers. Ella lived. She touched so many lives. She is loved by so many. When we were out in Kansas this Summer, we went to visit their family. Ella and I talked about Emma and I promised her that when she was scared and sad that my Emma would come and help her. I know that they are together right now.
My heart is breaking for my dear friend. This time is so hard. The pain is so intense, yet the situation is so surreal.
For her, I snuggled my babies just a bit longer tonight than normal. I held them each, looked at them, and thanked the Heavens that my kids are all healthy right now. For her, I said a prayer and asked that she be lifted up and comforted. For her, my dear friend, I will light a candle and remember her darling Angel.
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