I Am What I Am.

I am tired.  I know, this is a recurring theme here on the blog, my sheer exhaustion.  But this time it is not from lack of sleep.  The babe is starting to sleep better and therefore so am I! yay!

No, I am tired of what I have become in the last year.  It was about a year ago that I realized people can and do make money on their blogs.  I started doing reviews, making contacts and turning my blog into a business.

I became concerned with my stats, how many people were reading my blog, who had more readers than me, why did they have more readers, what could I do to get more readers?  I started to post everyday, just to post, just to say I had a post this day so that people would hopefully come back.

I started stressing out about my blog.  Stressing out about my blog people.  I am not Dooce or Pioneer Woman or Soule Mama or NieNie or any of the other highly successful women who blog for their jobs.  This is not my job, it is my hobby.

I am Kim.
I am Prairie Mama. 
I am a Mom who writes about grief and joy and struggles and triumphs.  I am a Mama that is a little bit crunchy and loves homebirth, cloth diapering, babywearing and gentle parenting.  I am a Woman that is strong in her faith, lives it and is not ashamed of it.  I am a Woman who loves her husband and has a great marriage.  I am a person who lives in a small town and really isn't any different from any of the other thousands of Mommy blogs out there.

I thought about shutting down my blog.  Megan from Velveteen Mind said that might happen.  At Blogher last year, she predicted that hundreds of women would leave the conference last year and shut down their blogs.  I thought about it, I really did.  I had become a little cynical about this whole blogging thing and wasn't enjoying it as much anymore.

For the last 6 months I have been talking myself out of shutting down the blog.  I have added ads, changed my layout, continued to network and try to make a name for myself in the Blogging World.

This is why I am tired.  I am sick of trying so hard.  It is a BLOG people.  It is not like I am curing cancer or doing anything extremely meaningful.  I am writing about my life, and while that is meaningful to me and my family, I am not under the illusion that anyone else really cares.   I am keeping a record of my life for my posterity. 

I write as an outlet for me, and if it happens to help other people, awesome.  If not though, I am not going to stress about it.

So what if no one wants to sponsor  me and send me to multiple (or one) conferences?  So what if no one wants to give me a new kitchen, car, or a house?  So what if I make $20 a month (if I'm lucky) on my blog?  So what if I don't know who all the "big" bloggers are?  They're people like me, I am guessing, and are just lucky to have such success.

What I think I am trying to say is...I am scaling back.  I will still have ads here and will still do reviews of products or services that are relevant to me and my life.  I will still write when I feel the need.

I am content with the fact that I may never be a blogger with hundreds of subscribers and followers.  I may never be a blogger that gets paid a lot of money to blog or gets to do really swanky reviews.  I may never run in the inner circles of the cool kids or sit at the cool table and guess what?  I am okay with that.

I am who I am and I am sick of trying to be something that I am not.

The Love of my Life

I waited all my life for this man.  

This man who gives me everything I need and everything I never knew I needed.  

This man who is so loving and patient with me. 

This man who stands by me, supports me, loves me.  

I never knew I needed him so much until I met him and couldn't imagine my life without him.

Happy Birthday my love.  I am so glad you were born.

Forever yours...

Wow

I don't know why it always surprises me when I hit a chord with you all.  When I write about my struggles and so many of you commiserate.  We are human.  We struggle.  Why do we so often do it alone?

I think a lot of it goes back to what I wrote about yesterday, fear of failure.  We don't need to be afraid anymore.  Together we can do this.

I was pleasantly surprised how many of you wanted the same things I do.  Wanting to be better, wanting to change, and afraid to do it.

No more my dear ones.  Starting now, we will band together.  Mondays are going to be my weigh-in day and the day I will talk about fitness.  Share this journey with me will you? 

Whatever you are doing, mix it up.  If you are already going to the gym, add something new to your routine.  If you need to eat better, do it.  If you haven't been to the gym in a long time (you know who you are!), GO!  Let's work together.

I am also going to be joining in with my sisters at the Sisterhood of the Shrinking Jeans.  I have it on good authority that a new challenge is starting on Wednesday.  So, join me will you?

Who is in????  Come on!!!!!

Looking Fear in the Eye

What are you so afraid of?  Why are you so hesitant to make a commitment and stick with it?  Why do you do this to yourself over and over and over and over?  Why can't you make the change and stick with it?

These are questions I ask myself daily.  Whether it is when I am eating a cookie (or 10), on the bike at the gym, going to get yet another Dr. Pepper from the drive-thru gas station (those should be outlawed, seriously), or when looking at pictures of myself.  These questions plague me.

I have been on this roller coaster for as long as I can remember.  I have never been satisfied with how I look.  I remember being in dance class and feeling like the big girl because my stomach was not flat like the other girls.  Then when I was a cheerleader in Jr. High and I was a base because I was "bigger" (5'6" and 120 lbs).  It never ended.  In College, I would compare myself to my roommates, friends, whoever was around and happened to have a better body, or body image than me, I would compare myself to them.

What is it about me that I find so unlovable that I can't make a commitment to myself to change?  Why do I put the needs of everyone else before mine?  When did I decide that it is okay to look like this?

 

 Jeremy insisted I smile in this picture even though I absolutely did not want to.

It is not okay.  I am tired of it.  I am tired of excuses. I am tired of all the reasons why it is okay for me to look this way and feel this way.  I am not doing it anymore.

On Saturday morning I was up and at the gym at 6:50 for a 7:00 cycling class.  Yes, I was awake at 6:30 on a Saturday.  As I was on the bike, and feeling amazing I might add, I had an epiphany.  I realized that I am so afraid of failure that I am not even willing to try.  Let that sink in for a minute.  This is huge for me.  A huge realization.  I am so afraid of failing that I am not even willing to try to succeed.  

And while I am not trying, I see people all around me excelling and looking and feeling amazing.  My sister is a single Mom to 5 kids, almost 40 and is the smallest she has ever been.  She exercises, is training for a sprint triathalon this summer, and feels amazing. My sister-in-law is the mom to 8 kids, 40 and is training for a triathalon this summer.  She looks amazing and is loving it.  They can do it.  They find the time.  They don't let the excuses bring them down.

I realized that I don't have to sit on the side lines anymore.  I don't have to sit back and watch everyone else get what I want so badly.  I can be healthy.  I can lose this weight.  I can feel better about myself.  I can be happy.

I am going to 2, possibly 3, blogger conferences this summer.  The first in May and the second in New York in August.  I want to not only look good, but feel good.  I want to have the confidence that I am a strong woman and that I am worth it.  I want for my friends who haven't seen me since last year to be amazed at the changes I have made.

Most of all, I want to be proud of myself.  I want to set a good example for my children and help them set good healthy habits in their lives.  I want to be around for them for a long long time.

It seems that this is a constant theme in my life.  I want to change, I know I have to change, I feel it in my bones...but I just don't do it.  I am paralyzed by the fear.

I am ready to look that fear straight in the eye and show it that I am strong.  I am stronger than the fear.  I am strong.

Help Wanted

Help Wanted: I need a responsible individual who is willing to babysit my kids.

Job requirements: you must be ready to get down on the floor and PLAY with my children.  You must be happy to feed them, clean them up and put the dishes in the sink (or dishwasher for extra points) and put the food away.  You must be excited about playing with them and reading them loads of books.  You must have a good attitude, kind of like Mary Poppins, because they are my world and if they think for a minute that you are not wanting to be there it will break their hearts and in turn break my heart too and then I will never ask you to babysit again.  Cell phones are not required for this position and should be left at home. I didn't talk on the phone when I babysat as a youth, you don't need to text.

Pay is negotiable.

Interested?  Inquire within.

Yeah people, the man and I need a night out.  Desperate times call for desperate measures.  Totally taking out an ad, would you want this job?

Who They Are

She is so helpful, always wanting to be involved (like helping me unload the dishwasher).  She is so tender, always giving loves (even when I want to be alone).  She is so sensitive, her feelings get hurt so easily (especially when the doorbell rings).

She is so independent, always wanting to do it herself (getting dressed, putting on her shoes...).  She is so creative, always drawing, making up songs and dances, reading to herself (and cracking me up in the process).  She is so caring, always worried about her brother and sister (especially when her brother is getting in trouble and she yells at me to "BE NICE").

He is so exact, wanting to be sure things are done just so (like his homework, reading, and his shoes being tied).  He is so head-strong, has very strong opinions and isn't afraid to let you know what they are (much to my chagrin multiple times a day).  He is so sweet, often running up to give hugs (even if it does involve jumping on my back and knocking me over).

They are mine and I am theirs forever.

Daily

Diapers

Dishes

Laundry

Sweeping

Mopping

Dishes

Diapers

Laundry

Vacuuming

Sewing

Knitting

Reading

Homework

Volunteering

School

Cooking

Dishes

Cleaning

Reading

Baths

Teeth

Appointments...

It goes on and on and on...and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Homebirth Questions and Answers :: Part 2

Part 2...

- What happens if there are complications that require an actual physician? My friend had a placental abruption, and she was grateful she was in the hospital, but I'm thinking about homebirth or a birth center, and feel nervous because this happened to her.
This is completely understandable and something I hear a lot of.  I actually contacted some of my midwife friends to get an answer to this question for you.  I knew they could answer much more eloquently than I could.  So, I will turn this question over to my dear friend, and Midwife, Vivian.

  Fortunately complications are rare. Most physicians are not at births in order to resolve complications. In the event of an uncomplicated births, physicians use their skills to do other procedures. The majority of women who choose a home birth consider those procedures unnecessary and invasive. The choice to have your baby at home comes down to your individual perception of risk: Do you feel that you are more likely to experience natural, unpredictable complications (such as a spontaneous abruption) or iatrogenic (physician-caused) complications (such a misoprostol-induced abruption)? Birth, like life, has inherent, irreducible risks.

- Have you ever considered delivering in a bed? What is the advantage of delivering in the water? 
I have not considered birthing outside of the water.  My sister had both of her homebirth's on her bed and loved it.  I just love the buoyancy of the water.  I feel so much more comfortable in the water and honestly can't imagine giving birth "on land".  I like having the options and if it seemed that the water wasn't the right place for me, I would get out and give birth where ever was most comfortable.  That is one of the great advantages of being at home.

- Are there any pain medication options when midwives attend to you, or is homebirth automatically a "no pain med" option?
There are no pain medications.  However, your Midwife comes equipped with many tools to help you through the pain.  As I mentioned before, a good childbirth education class is a must and will help you tremendously.

- Do you walk around, do squats, or do other things around your house to get more comfortable or get the baby to come, before you get in the water? 
Yes yes yes!  I don't get in the water until I am at least 5 cm. dilated.  So, when I am in early labor, I am walking, going about life, squatting and mentally preparing for meeting my baby.

- Is there a disadvantage to not knowing if the baby's heart rate is dropping, or if the cord is around their neck, and other things you might be able to know in a hospital? 
When you have a homebirth, you know your baby's heartrate.  My Midwives have all checked heart tones every 20 or so minutes with the doppler.  She will check during a contraction to be sure the baby is handling everything well.  You never know if the cord is wrapped around the neck until the baby is born.  Libby's cord was wrapped around her neck twice, quite tightly.  Because I was so intune with my body and what was happening, I was able to tell the Midwife that when I pushed she needed to get the baby.  She didn't know why, but she trusted me.  She knew that I knew my body and my baby and went with it.  She was able to push on Libby's head as her body came out and untangled her.  She needed a little oxygen and lots of skin-to-skin contact with Mama.
 
- Is it quite necessary to have a midwife? Do you know anyone who just delivers at home on their own? Yes, in my opinion it is necessary to have a Midwife.  When you are giving birth, you are not always in the clearest of thinking.  It is very important to have someone there who can see things objectively, who has the experience necessary of helping Moms and who can help you with whatever you and the baby need.  There are some women who choose to have unassisted or free births, but those make me very uncomfortable.  I don't agree with that way of birthing, even though I have some very good friends who have chosen that path.  That is their choice and their decision and I will not judge them for that.

I have had some sort of complication with each of my homebirths.  I tore quite badly with Seth, had a slow trickle hemorrhage with Amelia and Libby's cord was wrapped around her neck twice and she didn't breathe for about 5 minutes.  If I had tried to go it alone, these situations would have ended very badly.  In the hands of a skilled Midwife however, each of these situations were resolved with no lasting effects.

Now, about the mess...I have not cleaned up one thing in any of my births.  My midwives take care of everything, so really, I don't even know what all goes into it.  It is so nice to be recovering in my bed, snuggling with my baby and knowing that when I get out of bed the next day, there will be no sign of the actual birth itsself.

Missy writes:

I recently learned that there is a good chance that I could have the option of having an hbac legally (ND attending birth) and now I feel really torn as to what I should do. I hate the hospital and all that can potentially come with it, but I have also felt that with the right "birth team" I could have a successful vbac and a better experience (and have hbacs for the rest of my kids). I also have that fear in the back of my mind that "what if I'm that >1% that has a rupture and the baby is harmed or dies before I can get to the hospital." At the same time I understand that a hospital doesn't guarantee a risk-free delivery either. Some have had ruptures that weren't caught in time etc. So I guess my question is did you ever second guess yourself when choosing to have a homebirth? What would you recommend to someone in my situation who is having a hard time deciding and needs some clarity?

One thing I have always said is that one way of birth is not right for every baby.  If I ever didn't feel right about homebirth, I would go to the hospital.  I try really hard to listen to my body, listen to the baby, and listen to the Spirit to know how this baby needs to be born.  With Libby I did second guess myself.  However, after really doing some soul searching and pondering, I knew that she would be fine born at home.


You are right, there are no guarantees to a risk-free birth.  However, you need to do what is right for your family, your baby, your body.  If you feel more comfortable with the birth team you have assembled and really feel that this is the best way for your baby to be born, do it.  Talk to the ND who would attend the birth.  Talk to your doula.  Talk to your husband.  Get their input, share your concerns.  Talk and talk and talk and then sit back and listen.  Listen to your heart, listen to your baby.  You will know how s/he needs to be born.

I am so glad that you all have listened to me ramble on about this.  I love my homebirths.  I love being able to educate other Mothers and potential Mothers about this subject.  There is so much negativity and misconceptions out there about homebirth.  It is something that is not for everyone, but is for a lot more people than I think realize it.


There are so many options for birth out there.  Do research, take your time and make your decision.

This Man

I love you more today than I did 8 years ago.  Happy Valentine's Day baby.  You're my favorite.

Photo by Shelly Geller Photography

And then I was 33.

Be sure to go over to my Review Blog to enter to win my 2 awesome giveaways!!!

Nothing big and ceremonious happened.  Libby isn't feeling well, so she nursed most of the night.  Seth came into bed early with me, and then Amelia.  After mentioning to Jeremy last night, that Dwight's breakfast on The Office episode we watched,looked good, he got up early and bought everything to make me a very yummy breakfast.  He rocks. Pancakes (gluten free made from scratch!), Eggs, Sausage links and orange/peach/mango juice -- my favorite breakfast!


Went to Parent Teacher conference for Seth, came home, went back and got the soup cooking, came home again, went back 2 hours later and set up the dinner for the Teachers, came home...

Like I said, nothing big and ceremonious, but a really great day anyway.  Diet Dr. Pepper in hand, Harry Connick Jr. seranading me, a sock that is almost done and a pending date with my Love.

Steak, mashed potatoes, asparagus, and catching up on Lost, Heroes, The Office, 30 Rock, 24, Modern Family...whatever sounds best at the time.

So, while it was nothing super spectacular, it was my day and I got to celebrate it with 4 of my very favorite people.  What more could a girl ask for?

Homebirth Questions and Answers :: Part 1

Part 1...

I am so glad that you all had so many great questions.  Now, I want to start out with this disclaimer.  Homebirth is not for everyone.  If you are high risk homebirth is not for you.  High risk means different things to different people and midwives, so check with your midwife if you are considering this option and think you might be high risk.
Homebirth is not for everyone even if they are not high risk.  It is the best choice for me and my family.  Homebirth is a choice that is not to be entered into lightly.  You should research all of your options.  My goal of these posts is to educate you about your options and get those who are interested on the right path.  I am not here to push anyone into homebirth or to say that how you gave birth is "wrong".  We all do what is best for our babies and our bodies.

Now, let's get to some questions!

Tawnya asks:
You mentioned it's illegal in Utah. Is it, still? And what do you say when you show up at the doctor's with a newborn that was CLEARLY not delivered in the hospital? Or do you skip newborn wellness checks? I guess I'm just curious how you got around the whole illegal (which is CRAZY) part of it.

It is not illegal in Utah anymore.  In 2009 a bill was passed that made Certified Professional Midwives (CPM) and Licensed Direct Entry Midwives (LDEM) legal.  While this seems like a great thing, it also means that Direct Entry Midwives (DEM) are not legal and there are some hinderences that the CPM's and LDEM's have.  They can not legally accept a client who has had more than 2 C-Sections, is having a breech baby or having twins.  So...while it is legal, it is not legal for all women.  Something that we are constantly working on though.
I do not skip the newborn wellness exams.  My midwife does an exam immediately after birth and then comes back to my home within 24 hours.  She also comes back at 2 weeks and I go to see her at 6 weeks.  At all of those appointments she checks both the baby and me.
I also talk to my Pediatrician about it beforehand and let them know I am having a homebirth.  With each of my homebirths, we have had a different Pediatrician but they have all wanted to see the baby at about 5 days.

And to bjahlstrom, she says:

I have a lot of questions. Thank you in advance for your Wednesday post. I have been thinking a lot lately about this subject.

- Did you purchase the birthing pool yourself? I do, but not in the way that you are probably thinking.  It is part of my birth kit that the midwife gives at my 36 week appointment.  It is a kiddie pool and we put a plastic liner in it.

- Does your insurance cover having a midwife or doula at your home to help? No it really doesn't.  None of my homebirths cost more than $2500 (if even that) so I wasn't too worried about it.  My sister-in-law is a doula, so she attended my first and third homebirths.  She was going to come to my second but had a baby 11 days earlier.  So, I had a good friend, who is also a doula, come.  My midwives do accept credit cards and let me pay a little at a time so it is not a whole ton at once.  That is really helpful.  With my most recent birth our insurance company did end up reimbursing us about $400.  You just need to check with your individual provider to see what they will cover.  Your midwife may know also.

- Is it the midwife who brings things like the placenta boat, scale, and other medical-type supplies to your home? Yes, the Midwife will bring everything that she needs.  She brings oxygen, certain drugs for hemorrhage), IV fluids (for hemorrhage or dehydration), the scale, tape measure and everything else she needs.

- To which agency do your midwives belong? A great way to find a Midwife in your area is to go to MANA - Midwives Alliance of North America.  They can send you a detailed list of Midwives in your area.

- Do you know if all birth centers reject people who have had C-sections in the past? No, not all Birth Centers will reject VBAC clients.  It just depends on the individual Birth Center and what their policies are.


- Do you of other states off the top of your head where it is illegal? You can go to Citizens for Midwifery and see what each State's laws are.

- What happens after the baby is born, with the umbilical cord and stuff? I am wondering who cuts the cord and how, plus other medical-type stuff that happens post-birth.  After the baby was born I sat in the water and held the baby until it was time for the placenta to be born.  When I felt the urge, I pushed the placenta out and then it was put in a dish (or boat as it has been lovingly called here).  When the cord stopped pulsing, my husband cut the cord.  With this last birth, Jeremy and Seth (who was then 4) cut the cord together in our bed.  We wrapped the placenta in chux pads and put it in a grocery sack until I was ready to cut it.

- How do you get through the pain? Honestly? I highly recommend Hypnobirthing, Hypnobabies or The Bradley Method.  Your first step to having a successful natural birth (no drugs) is a good childbirth class. These three methods are fantastic in helping you to understand what your body is doing.  When you know what the contractions, or surges mean, it is much easier to embrace them.  I also found that my most difficult labor was the one where I did nothing to mentally prepare.  Seth and Amelia's were my easiest and Libby's my hardest.  When you know that everything is going well and you really don't want to leave your house, you get through the pain.  Sometimes I would tell myself, "I can do anything for one contraction and then I will have a break".  When I think I can't take it any longer, I realize that I am most likely in transition and I am almost done.  Visualizations, music, my husband, my Midwife, my Doula...these are all things I can't do without when I am in labor.  It hurts, yes, I won't lie.  But it is nothing you can't handle if you have prepared yourself.


To be continued....



In the mean time, you can read about Seth's birth, Amelia's birth and Libby's birth!

My Path to Homebirth :: Part 3

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This could also be titled, Why I Love Homebirth in Photos.

 

 

 

Now, I know that many of you have questions.  So, I want to open up the comments to your homebirth questions.  I know that when my sister had her first homebirth I had TONS of questions.  So, lay it on me.  I'll take questions for 2 days and then will do a big question and answer post on Wednesday.

My Path to Homebirth :: Part 2

I am branded.  Branded for birth.  This is something that I come to realize more and more everyday.  I am learning so much about what I want for the next time I have a baby. I am also learning how easily I could be back on that operating table if I don't have the right circumstances.  I never want that again. I need to change this, I need to do this differently.

*****

These were the thoughts I had after Emma was born.  I dove head first into all the information about birth that I could find.  She and I grew together.  She grew physically and I grew emotionally and mentally.  I was active in the ICAN (International Cesarean Network) Yahoo Group and was learning more and more about how I could avoid a repeat c-section.  As I listened to the stories of these amazing women, I came to realize how many of these c-sections were completely avoidable.  How many of these births happened the way they did because the Mom's either didn't have the knowledge on how to avoid the c-section, or didn't have anyone there to advocate for them.

I read everything I could get my hands on; Ina May's Guide to Childbirth by Ina May Gaskin, The VBAC Companion by Diana Korte, The Thinking Woman's Guide to a Better Birth by Henci Goer,& Spiritual Midwifery by Ina May Gaskin just to name a few.

All of this reading and talking and thinking really got me, well, thinking.  Maybe I could not only change my next birth, but maybe I could help other women to change their births.

I decided I wanted to become a doula and a childbirth educator.  I wanted to help other women.  I wanted to empower and educate women about their bodies and how amazing they are.  I wanted to help women make the decisions that were going to best for their families.

An idea was forming, a new life, a calling, a passion.  Then it happened.  The day that my world stopped, the day Emma died.

****
I am often asked if we were trying to get pregnant with Seth after Emma died.  No, we weren't.  We had decided that we wanted to try to get pregnant that Winter.  I hadn't had a period yet, so I didn't even know if I was fertile.  When she died though, we knew we wanted more children, we knew we couldn't have empty arms and a silent house for long.  We weren't trying, but we weren't preventing.  We were just surviving.

My milk dried up and a couple of weeks later, I became pregnant.

****
We moved to Utah to be closer to Emma and for Jeremy to go to Graduate School.  Because I'd had a C-Section I was finding it was very difficult to find anyone to assist me in delivering this baby.  The Birth Center, which was my first choice, couldn't take me because I was a VBAC (Vaginal Birth After Cesarean).  I thought about hospitals, but I just couldn't take the risk that I would end up with another c-section.

Jeremy researched and I talked to the baby.  We decided on homebirth.  We decided that it would be the best option for us and our baby.

I interviewed Midwives and found one that was perfect for us.  She understood my fears.  She too had lost children.  Yes, you read that right, children, many of them.  She understood the pain I was in and held my  hand every step of the way.

At this time, homebirth was illegal in the state of Utah.  Any Midwives attending a homebirth were breaking the law.  In March, my Midwife called to tell me that she couldn't attend me anymore.  She couldn't, with a clear conscience, break the law anymore.  I understood.  I was disappointed, but I understood.  Her partner was another fantastic Midwife and the switch went seamlessly.

****
In April, we started taking Hypnobirthing classes. I had a lot of junk in my mind.  A lot of issues that I needed to deal with if I was going to have a successful homebirth.  I was terrified of having another breech baby and did a lot of visualizations of this baby head down.  I talked to the baby multiple times a day.  We talked about birth and how we would have to work together.  I told him that I didn't know what I was going to do, I didn't know what to expect, but I promised that I would make it as easy for him as possible.  I promised this everyday.  I was scared that I would have this baby, love this baby, and again lose this baby.  I had so much fear, but learned to deal with it and not let it overtake me.

****
June 8, 2004.  I was 38 weeks 2 days pregnant, more pregnant than I had been with Emma.  I swam all day long.  I lifted up my swimsuit top to let the sun shine on my belly as I was floating in the pool at our Apartment Complex.  I was huge.  At this point I was measuring about 45 cm. from my pubic bone to the top of my uterus.  This was huge.

I talked to the baby more.  I knew that the time was coming soon.  That afternoon I started to have bloody show and some contractions.  My sister and sister-in-law both knew I was in labor, but I didn't want to believe it.  Jeremy and I did a Hypnobirthing script that night and as I kissed him goodnight, I told him to get some sleep because he was going to work the next day.

Midnight. My water breaks in bed.  We called the Midwife and she and her apprentice came within an hour.  My sister-in-law, who was also my doula, was there within 45 minutes.

I labored peacefully in the beginning.  I continued to talk to my baby.  I vocalized, I pictured my baby coming down with each surge, I worked with my body.

At one point, when I was in the birth tub, I was trying so desperately to get comfortable and just couldn't.  I really was struggling.  I said that I wanted to go to the hospital and get a c-section.  This hurt too much and I was tired and I didn't want to do it anymore.  My Midwives apprentice, a woman who has since become a very good friend and was my Midwife when I had Amelia, looked me in the eye and said, "Kim, you are trying to go over this or around this.  You have to go through it.  You can do this."  When she said that, I knew she was right.  I also knew that if I was ready to give up, that meant I was in transition and I was almost done. How little I knew, but it kept me going.

****
Seth's personality is very much one of wanting to do things his own way and in his own time.  This doesn't surprise me at all because that is how he was at birth.

I had heard about this "overwhelming urge to push" but never understood it.  Then, I understood it. I pushed and he fought.  He fought me every push and I paid for it.  But, 55 minutes after that first urge to push, my baby was here.  My arms were filled.  I'd done it.  I had my VBAC.  I had my homebirth.  I was strong, I was empowered, I was a Mother, again.

To be continued...

My Path to Homebirth :: Part 1

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Some people describe me as a "hippie" Mom.  I cloth diaper, I let my kids self-wean from breastfeeding, I co-sleep, I wear my babies, I do delayed vaccinations, I homebirth.

I am often asked why I would choose to have my baby at home.  What reason could I have for being so crazy?  I totally understand those questions.

When I was in college, my sister had a homebirth.  I could not believe she would be so irresponsible.  I couldn't believe that she would put her baby's life at risk just because she didn't like the hospital.  I couldn't believe she would want to do it without drugs.  I was often heard saying, "God gave man the smarts to invent drugs, stick that needle in my back thank you very much".  In fact, just 7 months before my sister had her homebirth, I had witnessed the birth of my best friend's baby.  She had her baby in the hospital and had an epidural.  It was great, no complications, everything went swimmingly.  Why wouldn't I want that?

Jeremy and I had been married 6 months when I found I was pregnant with Emma.  I was 26 and was a bit wiser at this point.  I was learning I had options.  My sister had had 2 homebirths, my sister-in-law had a baby at the Birth Center and those births were great.

I was starting to believe that I wasn't a wuss and that my body could do this.  I started reading about the Bradley Method of childbirth.  Jeremy and I read and researched and decided on having our baby with a Certified Nurse Midwife in the Hospital.  This way I could have my natural birth with a midwife, but still have the comforts of the hospital.

During my pregnancy we took Bradley Method classes.  I completely ignored the part where we learned about C-Sections because there was no way I was going to have one.  I wasn't going to cave and get an epidural, so the snowball effect of epidural=relaxing of uterus=contractions slowing down=increased interventions=possibility baby goes into distress=C-Section.  That wasn't going to happen to me.

When I was 34 weeks pregnant I went to see my midwife.  I was measuring about 3 1/2 weeks ahead, so she sent me back for an ultrasound.  We found out that Emma was footling breech.  I cried.  She assured me that there was plenty of time for her to turn, but in my heart I didn't believe her.  I went home and began researching how to turn a breech baby.  I swam everyday and did handstands in the water, I put ice on her head and heat down low (along with lights and music...trying to make it really inviting for her head down there!), I lay inverted on an ironing board and then on my reclining chair.  I saw a Chiropractor and had the Webster Technique done 3 times a week.  I burned Moxibustion by my little toe (on Thanksgiving in my in-laws garage.  Good times).  I did everything I could think of.  I wasn't a candidate for an external version because my blood pressure shot up and I was swelling up like a balloon.

At my 37 week appointment I had a Non Stress Test done.  When it was done, the midwife came in and asked if I had scheduled my C-Section yet.  I was floored.  I told her that no I hadn't and didn't plan on scheduling it.  I wanted her to turn and was still trying to get her to turn.  She told me that a c-section wasn't that bad and that I would be okay.  I informed her that a few years prior I had my gallbladder out, major abdominal surgery, and this would be similar.  There was no way I wanted to go through that recovery again with a newborn to take care of.

I left the office in tears.  I called my sister-in-law, who gave me the confidence I needed to fire my midwife.  I called the practice and requested a different midwife for my next appointment and to make her my primary midwife.

It didn't matter.  Sunday night my water broke.  It was 8pm and I was sitting down to watch Alias.  I heard a POP and felt a gush and knew that my baby was coming.

We called the midwife on call (someone I didn't know) and were told to go to the hospital to get ready for my c-section.  An hour later we arrived at the hospital and had a really horrific experience.  I was admitted to a room and told to put on this gown.  I did and then I had to pee.  So, I went to the bathroom.  A nurse came in and yelled at me because I was getting amniotic fluid all over the floor.  She made me walk on towels back to the bed.

I was hooked up to monitors and was being asked a million and one questions.  When I would ask for a minute because I was having a contraction they would look at the monitor and tell me that I wasn't.  Yeah, it was great.

Soon enough Jeremy and I were taken to the Operating Room.  A cold, sterile room.  I couldn't believe my baby would be born here.  This was not at all what I had wanted or anticipated.  As she was being born, I got sick and was throwing up.  I remember hearing her cry and they lifted her up over the drape to show her to me.  I went to touch her and immediately they whisked her away.  I had to hear all about her from the anesthesiologist.  It broke my heart.

My first real looks of Emma were from a bed where I was watching her be bathed by a Nurse that I didn't like.  Everyone else got to hold her, touch her, smell her before I did.  She didn't get to be with me until she was about an hour old.  Nothing about this felt right.

I couldn't sit up for 12 hours after she was born.  Because I was flat on my back, it was difficult to nurse and I couldn't get a good look at her.  When I could sit up, the nurses would come in and ask me constantly if she'd pooped, peed, eaten, wanting to check my vitals, her vitals, etc. etc. etc.

After 3 days I was so happy to be released from the prison of the hospital. When we got home, I started digesting her birth.  So many things I wished I could have changed.  So many things I felt so cheated on.  Emma's birth was a catalyst for change in my life.  I knew that I would never give birth like that again.  I knew I would never let someone else tell me what I could and couldn't do with my body and my baby.  It was the beginning of my journey.

To be continued...

Best Laid Plans...

I had such grand plans for this week.  Yoga on Monday, Spinning on Wednesday, Zumba on Thursday, weight training everyday.  Big plans.  With the return of the light to my soul, I am ready to get my body fit and smokin'.

6:00 pm came and I was headed out the door.  Going to the gym to work out on the elliptical for 30 minutes and then to yoga.

I hopped down the porch stairs, happy to be free of the 3 children I love so much.  So excited for this small break to work on me.

Then it happened.  My right foot went down and immediately started slipping.  My first thought was, I am NOT going to fall.  Then BOOM! I fell.  I fell with my left knee at an angle to the side and I fell right on that knee.

I was in my front yard, so I yelled for Jeremy.  Luckily he was in the kitchen and could hear me.  He came out, in his socks, holding a baby, and realized that I was hurt.  Quickly he came down the steps and helped me inside.

I was then confined to the couch for the night.  Pillows propping up my knee, ice making me even colder than I already was, and children wanting to be sure Mama was alright.

For those who don't know, my husband works for a company that develops medical devices.  He is an engineer there, so he knows a bit about orthopaedics.  He drew on his skills and helped to figure out what he thought was wrong, sprained MCL -- his unofficial diagnosis.

Tuesday morning we decided I should go to the doctor.  So off we went to see a knee specialist in town.  The official diagnosis, Sprained MCL with a bone bruise.  What does that mean?  I sprained my knee and am now the proud owner of this new accessory.

Pretty hot right?  Yeah, I get to wear this bad boy for the next 4 weeks.  Plus I get to go to Physical Therapy and let them move my knee a lot and make me cry.  Yay Me!

On the upside, it has given me lots of time to do this

And this

Looking for the bright side.  Hopefully I will have a pair of socks done by the time my knee is healed!!

Return of the Light

 

View from my front window at 5:45 pm

Slowly, oh so slowly I feel the light coming back.  The days are staying light longer and so is my soul.  The heavy darkness that seemed to be swallowing everything in it's path is starting to receed.

February brings hope with it.  This is the month of my birth and the birth of my Love.  There is much celebrating to be done in February.

This month also marks one more month until Spring.

The days are growing lighter, brighter and just the tiniest bit warmer. 

Yes, the light is coming back.  Back into my life and warming my soul.

Escalating

It's funny how quickly it can escalate from this...

to this...

I love how much these two love playing together.  It's times like this where I think this Parenting gig ROCKS.